I’m a recovering addict (14 months clean) and attend weekly anon groups. We each get 5 mins of therapy time during our support groups. It’s a time to be honest about our own struggles and improvements from abstaining from an addiction. After our therapy there is also feedback time from other recovering addicts.
Anyway there is one younger guy in who almost always speaks up after my therapy. He’s the nicest guy in the world. I know all about his own real struggles.
I can tell he looks up to me (I’m one of the group’s leaders). I can also tell he’s the sensitive type and would likely feel hurt if I told him I don’t want to hear his feedback. He wants to be helpful but he isn’t. He actually keeps on irritating me even though he means well. He doesn’t pick up on social queues and body language very well at all.
Truth be told I was bit like him when I was younger. Hearing him talk is a painful reminder of something I had to mature from. He wants to feel important/respected because he likely doesn’t get much respect in other areas in his life. So he will speak up in what he feels are “safe” areas. But his timing sucks and he is speaking out of an insecurity issue. It’s actually painful reminder how I might of come off to people when I was younger.
He admits he was raised in a controlling family where he was never allowed to express his negative emotions because it might not be “polite”. His parents controlled him to put on a certain image to the outside world because they are cared more about what he made them look like vs. what was best for him. Brainwashed him into being a nice guy
I can exactly relate to that. That is NOT an easy dynamic to move on from if it was pounded into you from you childhood. Especially if your parents beat the crap out of you to stay in line to display the “image” they wanted you to be. Also when they were seemingly happiest when other people told them they had “nice, well behaved” children.
Anyway I have no idea what to say to this kid.
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I worked with a guy like this and, ended up being friends with him. Let him talk, help him out when you can. Put yourself in his shoes, annoying as that may be.
Yeah but it takes patience. But I’ve had people judge and ignore me when I was younger for similar reasons.
But he is also displaying characteristics that remind me of something I hated about my old self.
Yeah, I get it. Now the support meeting dynamic is much more tense than what I was in (coworker). That would be tough to deal with. Guess it comes down to how much you like the guy.
@spartan55 he has a good heart. I respect that. He’s got some deep insecurities though which everybody does. However his are just very tangible.
Truth is I feel sorry for him. This behavior he has likely has made him a target for bullying and rejection from women. He wants to improve himself but he doesn’t know how to. It’s not an easy fix.
A big part of it is from controlling parents. His parents were both controlling but also loving at the same time (they are paying for his rehab and it’s steep). So they were “God like” to him growing up and he’s dependent on then. But it has robbed him of his self agency and turned him into a people pleaser.
Just remember it's not your responsibility to 'fix him'
Yep. I don’t think I could anyway. But this guy inadvertently gets deeply on my nerves. I wish there was a polite way to tell him to shut up. But I know that won’t over well at a anon group I happen to run.
Yeah, probably not. Maybe go spar with him at the gym? Work out some frustration. Kidding.
Funny I actually do train at a martial arts gym.
I feel this really sick predatory urge to say/do something nasty to him but I never will. It’s been done to me when I was younger and I know exactly how it feels. Still feel sorry for him though.
Thing is the response time is limited after therapy (1 to 2 minutes). I rather hear from someone else but he usually hogs all the time.
I don't think you have to say anything. Like you said, you grew out if it. He probably will too
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