If someone gets mad at you and when asked, they won’t tell you why, what do you?

[VIVANT]

I’m not even going to bother with a poll bc the reactions are going to be too unique to capture in my opinion

let’s say we’re not assuming malicious intent but who knows ultimately 🤷🏻‍♀️

all you know is they got mad, they apologized for getting mad but when you ashes why are they angry they did not want to say

what do you do?

I like things to be clear so it’s very difficult for me to understand shy anyone wants to be secretive after making it known they are bitterer but I know it happens.. I just wouldn’t do it. If I feel I’m so upset I’m gonna tell but I do t want to talk about it I’ll control myself, or go away.

I don’t understand people starting drama then acting like they’re nothing wrong. It’s gross.

[Alli39]

They're embarrassed or ashamed of what made them upset to begin with and aren't emotionally mature/responsible enough to admit it.

This is pretty toxic, so if someone does this regularly, does so in a why that harms you (ex. I've had issues like this where it started to because a physical problem thanks to my anxiety disorder), or refuses to acknowledge/apologize for what they've done then you probably need to seriously consider whether or not you want them in your life. If it's one time and a small issue, it may have just been over a personal issue that the individual wasn't ready to speak about and it's ok to let it pass if you don't feel too hurt by it. But if it was really harmful or a repeated behavior then know that this person is not treating you well and putting their emotional immaturity before your relationship and your wellbeing. It's up to you if you want to put up with that any long and how harmful it actually is. (Ex. if it's someone you're close to then it might be very harmful and signal to other issues in your relationship.)

In short, they're being immature and what you do is really a function of how hurt you were by the situation and whether or not you think you can handle it happening again.

(I saw in the comments that some people were saying your behavior might have made them feel uncomfortable sharing but at the end of the day they chose to make an issue of it and if they were making an issue of something they had no intention of resolving then they're basically just emotionally punishing you for the situation. I'm still of the opinion that it's a maturity/empathy issue.)

[VIVANT]

This was very well written thank you. I think if it was a truest issue I would not he confused. I would walk away. But in this situation snd ny knowing I may have hurt them tho not intentionally tho also not knowing if that is why they are angry… it just makes me unsure how to proceed.

[Alli39]

I've been there. I recently lost a friend because he started an argument and would barely even talk to me about what was wrong. Instead of addressing the issue he started blaming me for things that weren't my faulting, gaslighting, giving me the silent treatment, etc. I had spent the entire time wondering what I did to make him hate me so much, but eventually the way he was treating me became such a problem for my anxiety disorder that I had no choice but to end things in order to protect my physical health. He was aware of what I was going through and was more interested in avoiding being upfront with me than my physical wellbeing. The general consensus looking back seems to be that he was probably interested in me to some extent and was too embarrassed to admit it since I'd rejected him outright the year before.

But honestly, it seems like your situation is a little different since they apologized for their actions. If this turns out to be an isolated incident and they didn't drag it out or do anything else to harm you in the process, I'd say let it go this time. Sometimes people just need to not have to deal with something and if they've apologized and are aware that they weren't acting appropriately then chalk it up to human error. No one is perfect. But if you see the behavior repeated, I'd say confront them about it and then evaluate how you want to approach the relationship moving forward.

[VIVANT]

had spent the entire time wondering what I did to make him hate me so much, but eventually the way he was treating me became such a problem for my anxiety disorder that I had no choice but to end things in order to protect my physical health. He was aware of what I was going through and was more interested in avoiding being upfront with me than my physical wellbeing.

This is what I’m worrying about

They’ve never outright yelled till now but there is often hint of secrecy’s bc pushing things under and I have the impression them yelling was stuff building up rather than an isolated frustration

And yeah it goes from I’m trying to sort out how to fix the situation to you know what I don't know why this is happening but it’s beginning to not matter bc it’s toxic

I was shocked that their yelling surprised me but not the overall anger so on sone level I’ve been aware of it but tried to not read into stuff I’m not sure of bc unless I’m prepared to say what’s going on, it’s all conjecture and that creates a complete mess.

It is disturbing how people would rather stand their ground on not having to talk about something rather then just be human to another human like I’m not attacking anyone and I’m not trying to hurt him… I don't know why things feel so combative suddenly

Anyhow I feel like I need to give myself a time monitoring otherwise I’ll get stuck trying to understand and fix something that I really have no control over and that’s never good

I think I’m at both points

1 I will talk things out and try to fix the problem

2 I will move on

And you can’t be at both points so I do both half way which is probably contributing to the confusing atmosphere

I didn’t like to leave things hanging but I didn’t want to demand anyone tell me anything and I didn’t any to stay in this limbo so I know I have to make a choice.. I’m having a hard time distinguishing between what the right thing to do and what I want to do is

[VIVANT]

The easiest thing is to walk away but that feels terrible without at least relying to talk once bc I’d want that chance if things were reversed but the idea of trying to talk to someone who’s mad is also terrible so I don't know lol

Thing is I had wanted to talk bc of stuff that happened but and I think I owe an apology but now since they are kind of being terrible I feel like we’re both owed an apology and so that cancels out what I was going to talk about.

I don't know how to apologize to someone who is annoyed already I don't know maybe I’ll sort so instead of talk then they can read or not east and I didn’t need to deal with it? I know talking is better but I’m kind of limited bc of their behavior 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe I can ask them to stop being mad for 20 minutes just so they can hear me out and then they can continue when I’m gone 😂

[Alli39]

If you think there's something to apologize for, regardless of what you think they owe you, always do it. It sucks, it's awkward, and they might not react the way you'd hope, but it's the right thing to do. If they're not talking to you, send them a text/give them a note, and if they are then do it in person.

But lowkey your last statement isn't entirely wrong. Ask for the conversation, let them know that it's a difficult topic/what precisely you want to address (a brief reminder to use "I" statments not, and not "you" statements), and sort out how you're going to speak about it in a way that makes both people comfortable. There's a lot of advice online about setting healthy boundaries in conflict that you could take a look at before you start.

Figure out what you want to do about your friendship/relationship after you speak to them about the problem.

[VIVANT]

Thank you. I think that’s pretty much where I’m at it’s just so awkward so I thought I’d check in with other people. I appreciate these messages 🙏🏼

[Alli39]

No problem. I hope you're able to sort this out, but if you can't then I hope you're able to end things peacefully

[VIVANT]

Me too!! lol that is exactly what I want. Tho honestly I’d settle for peaceful ending. I just hate ugly endings. Thank you

[DarkCarousel]

I don’t always like to talk about things in the moment— I need time to process things and consider my feelings or if there were other stresses or factors involved.

So if it’s someone I care about, I give them the space they need and we can talk later. If someone is just withholding for dramatics or because they feel like I should already know why they’re mad, then I have far less patience for that.

I think sometimes there’s a benefit to having some quiet reflection time before unloading.

[ChiTown33]

I'm going to move on. Plain and simple. It's not that I don't care. But If that person is unwilling to communicate why they're mad then we can't resolve it. We're both adults, and adults communicate. If he or she wants to tell me how I'm wrong we can talk about that (fair warning though it's possible I won't agree, but I will always hear them out). But this person does not get to hold my peace hostage because they feel I need to be punished for a transgression that I don't necessarily even know that I made.

My personal opinion on this subject is this stuff happens because too many people in this world process everything through ONLY thier world view. I used to get mad at people and feel they wrong me through selfish actions. I discovered inner peace when I stopped putting MY expectations on other people. Now I accept the good in people and ignore a majority of the bad. If some is truly a selfish person and I can't abide thier bad points because there are too many I simply reach a point where i cut them out of my life and move on.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "drama". I think most people would do well in life to adopt this philosophy. Because happiness is a choice. I think too many people wear thier insecurities and gripes about life and the people they know like a familiar coat. Why? Life is too short to be unhappy. It's not healthy. Choose happiness! It really is just that simple.

[VIVANT]

Yup I feel the way you do in both points of being held hostage when I’m willing to resolve it and not hold it against them and how I used to be similar I’d get angry and jump to conclusions but I’m more patient now and try to see things from other people perspective and if I can do that so can others… I’m willing so it’s not that I don’t care but if they can’t even budge in their own issue I can’t do anything about it dnd life goes on

[ChiTown33]

👍👍👍

[caring__1]

Generally, when people won't tell us what they are mad about, it's because they either feel you'll get on the defensive and minimize their feelings, escalate conflict or they believe you have no interest in knowing the truth. If we feel safe to share our feelings, we'll generally share them. There are many people who have no interest in conflict.

Use this as a learning experience. Discover what patterns you may have that tend to minimize the feelings of others or escalate conflict. We only have control over ourselves, so, rather than focus on others (who we have no control over) focus on how you can turn this into a growth experience for you. Don't just rationalize your own actions and be critical of others; take time to see things through the eyes of others.

[VIVANT]

I do not disagree with you and I didn’t think anyone has a right to know something just bc they wish to

However, if someone yells at you and won’t say why I out that in a different category than just them avoiding conflict bc they aren’t avoiding conflict and they’ve now involved you.

[caring__1]

I agree. It's inappropriate for one person to make something an issue without clarifying what that issue is. Whether they're being inappropriate or not, the only one you're in control of is still just yourself, so focusing on others will only frustrate you. Determine whether this is a healthy relationship (without expecting the other to change). If not, what are you holding onto other than dreams and fantasies? If you can't accept the other's patterns, then end the relationship. If your patterns are dysfunctional, do your best to change what is within your control.

[VIVANT]

Fair but in the moment you can’t figure all that out, so what do you do in the very moment it happens. Can’t even say we can talk later bc you do not know If it’s something they want to talk about

I agree with your perspective in general it coincides with mine where I get stuck is in the very moment when I do shy have I do I can’t even figure out what the responsible thing to do is even if I’m just focusing on my behavior.

[caring__1]

Whatever you do, don't give people anything to push against. That will only lead to escalation. Blaming them for your discomfort won't lead to a positive result.

Based on your original question, it appears the other person may have impulsively overreacted to a misperception. After apologizing, the other person may feel too embarrassed to rehash their misperception. It could also be a projection on you for something that happened elsewhere and didn't involve you. People can become very embarrassed when they overreact, and they often choose to just sweep it under the rug and hope it goes away. Any pressure from you to address this embarrassing experience can be met with defensiveness.

You can say "I'm here to work with you, so feel free to reach out whenever anything is on your mind and you'd like to talk." Just make sure you never accuse, assume, blame, criticize, demand, deny, rationalize, raise your voice or tell others what they should or shouldn't do. Stick to the behaviors you observe rather than any interpretation of what you see or hear.

[VIVANT]

I agree 💯 just checking with other people against my instincts. Thank you 🙏🏼

[caring__1]

You're welcome.

[RealMarek]

How I respond depends on the circumstances. If it is someone who was just trying to create drama I might say “I don’t like games.” If it is someone who was angry with me, apologized, but won’t say why I would say something like “I don’t know what I did that upset you. If you want to discuss it I’m willing to listen.”

[VIVANT]

And what if you’re not sure which it is, will you at both things? Cover the bases lol 😊

[RealMarek]

If I’m not sure, I tend to give the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes I have regretted that, but I would rather do that than scold someone who is being sincere.

[VIVANT]

Same but I find I regret either way 😂

[WindAtMyBack]

What do I do? I ignore them. If they can't tell me what they are upset over, I won't play that game. The worst line ever is "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you.' Yea, I've had that one thrown at me before.

[VIVANT]

Oh I hate that & absolutely I agree !

It’s cozy like I’m patient if someone gets upset but if you yourself debt own up to it just F off life is short go tell your therapist

[VIVANT]

crazy not cozy

[WindAtMyBack]

Comes from being in a long term relationship with an alcoholic. She played that game all the time when she was drunk. Half the stuff she got upset about was literally her imagination. I learned to not even bother trying to figure out what she was upset over.

[kakaling]

I wish they could communicate too.

I researched a lot about this, this kind of people they think that you are right to do anything you want, but you hurt them badly, they just want you to know they are hurting and not stopping you anyway. Understand this and reached out to them about it. I had not tried this, it happens to me long time ago, I hope you could try and tell me.

[VIVANT]

That’s an entirely diff perspective.. hmm

What bothers me is I’m always turn between should I be understanding bc I don't know someone’s pain or should I walk away bc they are making me uncomfortable and they don’t care so I have to

Drives me crazy 😂

[kakaling]

Yes, that's what I happening to me too.

[midnightmoon05]

Easier to answer if I know who the someone is:

my sister? Brother? Mom? My children?
someone I am dating? Married?
a friend I just met? A friend I have known for 5 years?

[VIVANT]

Fair point. A person you may or may not like I suppose lol

[midnightmoon05]

If I don’t like. I wouldn’t care.
If I like them, and I upset them…I would use a way to get to know why he shut down. I have been able to communicate effectively to resolve issues. So to me…I have to learn his way to communicate with him.
The most important thing in a relationship is to understand the other persons feelings…when we put ourselves in their shoes…it helps a lot to resolve differences.

[Aakash_Hangargi]

Sometimes you can't do anything give them space and let them come back to you that all you can do.

And when they come back yell at them for yelling at you or getting mad

Then forget about it

[VIVANT]

It’s unhealthy I just think I don’t want people in my life who get hot and bothered then pour. If it mattered enough to get angry you can discuss it snd id you don’t that’s your choice but I don’t want the unresolved negativity

[Jamie05rhs]

@VIVANT I agree.

[Aakash_Hangargi]

See emotions can come in any form
If one person is mad you have to do some self reflecting as well why was the person not comfortable to discuss about it or did he discuss and we were unable recognise it.

And first of all if you keep ditching people for one time outburst you will end up

Sometimes you need to take the heat and cool the other person down and both should try understanding each other's perspective

[VIVANT]

I understand this too I do but I think I’m always trying to understand people who can’t even be bothered to understand themselves it’s exhausting. And to have to figure it out when they can just tell me. That’s a bit crazy, no?

[Aakash_Hangargi]

That could be said about anyone u and me both lol 🤣

[VIVANT]

True 😂

[Philyouup]

So Miss Viv, they apologized , so i assume they were in the wrong, to me they are too embarrassed by their mistake and just want to get by it and preserve the friendship. I would let it go, some rocks are better if left unturned.

[VIVANT]

I think as you do only if the bitterness of why they are angry remains, that complicates my life too and remains a problem 🫤

[Philyouup]

when you grant forgiveness, it is for you, not the forgiven. the weight of those feelings are a burden, when you can forgive, it is you letting go. It is the best gift one can give to one’s self. I know, i was there. grant yourself happiness Ms Viv , you deserve it and earned it! 💚

[VIVANT]

Oh I don’t mean my bitterness I mean theirs. I can forgive I agree it is a weight lifted.. but it seems sometimes people get attached to their anger and it comes up periodically,

[Philyouup]

ok yes i miss understood. They own that, you have no control over it, so let it go, worry about what you can control. and yes, that is easier said then done. I wish you the best outcome Ms Viv

[VIVANT]

Thank you 😊

[FatherJack]

I would never associate with those types , one of many reasons why I binned my ex wife 8 years ago. If I was subjected to that childish behaviour. I would walk away.

[VIVANT]

Understandable

[The_Shadow_Dweller]

Leave them alone for some time or just permanently. I really do not have the mental capacity and do not even want to a lot one for such cases.

[The_Shadow_Dweller]

Although this seems like a cool option, I think it is a bit radical as well.

What I would do is be more understanding, give them their space, and time so that they can explain themselves when things calm down.

If nothing else approach works, the above mentioned approach is the final one.

[VIVANT]

Yeah for me I’d give them a chance to talk it over but I’d make it clear I don’t wanna hang out until/ unless I am made aware of the problem so I can resolve it.

[bannacookies]

I would just leave them alone, and move on. Someone like that is probably someone with issues and would be hard to keep as a friend or have a relationship anyways because they lack communication.

[VIVANT]

True but I always end up feeling like someone will never be good at communicating if people just walk away. I don’t think you should stuck around endlessly but maybe somewhere between walking away and never leaving 😂

I used to be terrible but I met enough people who gave me a furnace to get better and the world is better the more positive people can be so I don’t like to just jet at the same time, there have to be consequences 🤷🏻‍♀️

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

I usually tell them I'm sorry they are mad at me, I always have a tendency to do this all the time.

[VIVANT]

That seems unfair to you 🥺🥺

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

@VIVANT Yeah, this happens often

[VIVANT]

I’m sorry it can’t always be you thob

[VIVANT]

Tho*

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

@VIVANT Yes, I agree because with me the other person is likely to start heated arguments. Usually this calms things down.

[Jamie05rhs]

To me, in that moment, they have forfeited their right to be mad. So I disregard their madness.

[Jamie05rhs]

(I realize that this reaction isn't healthy for maintaining a relationship. But I don't want to maintain a relationship with someone like that. I would rather that they exit my life.)

[VIVANT]

😂 nice

[VIVANT]

I understand I’m inclined to agree 👍🏼

[Jamie05rhs]

@VIVANT Thanks lol

[Stressyalaire]

"Then don't be mad at me. Deal with it, yourself then if you can't open up about it."

Look, I have no time for behavior like that. That's not the kind of people you want to surround yourself with. If you can't talk and listen, you're not worth my time.

[Sevenpointfive]

in time they'll be ready to blow up about it. just be ready because it's coming

[VIVANT]

Yeah that’s my impression that’s why this ish bothers me 😒

[Sevenpointfive]

good luck with that

[CuriousMufuxka]

Nothing. If they're that pissed and won't tell you why, than give them time. It's most likely going to eat at you, but trying to pry further only causes more damage.

[VIVANT]

Oh no not pry I’d just avoid them

I don’t want to be around someone whose mad but won’t tell me why. It’s so awkward and I’ll never know if they will explode again. Tho to be fair I’ll probably tell them I’m uncomfortable so if they want to talk it out I’d be happy to but otherwise I prefer to have space. So I’m still being a decent person but it’s in their court and I don’t waste my time

[lightbulb27]

They stent comfortable getting into it for whatever reason such as … concern it leads to more arguments.
O probably let it go unless there is some fundamental issue to expose amd address

[KatherineJ]

I figure they will tell me when they are ready.

[VIVANT]

Maybe not tho lol

[KatherineJ]

@VIVANT then it either isn’t a big deal, or they don’t want to solve it.

[VIVANT]

Right, but doesn’t that have an impact on whether you want to keep them in your life?

[KatherineJ]

@VIVANT potentially. But when you can’t speak freely, there is a deeper issue that has to be addressed. So if they don’t want to face that, then perhaps we are better off just moving on.

[Anonymous]

I would assume that they lacked the self awareness to know why or the courage to admit why.

[VIVANT]

I agree. Such people frustrate me bc I end up trying to be their conscience for them which is bad for both. It’s my own weakness I guess.

[Jerre]

If they are a friend, you’ll have to accept their negative response. Only other option is to not associate With them anymore.

[Jerre]

@VIVANT Thank you for the Like

[VIVANT]

😊😊😊

[menina]

I would leave them alone and I wouldn't ask more questions. Wouldn't say anything. If they want to talk to me, they will be back.

[genericname85]

i will just let them be mad, cause obviously they are not interested at working at it. so i just assume they want to be mad, so i let them be mad.