Am I seeing a narcissist? We’ve been talking for four months and there’s definitely signs that make me think he is help, hard when u have feelings?

[Anonymous]

We’ve been talking for four months and have never gone on an actual date. In the beginning, he would message me every single day all day long, and made me the top priority in his life. I thought eventually we would go and do something and every time we’ve made plans, he has blown me off or has said something came up and we’ve never been able to go out.
The only time we’ve ever spent together is having sex, so I assume that’s what it is between us, a sexual relationship. Yet, he tells me he loves me.
We text, or call about every day, but sometimes he will go a few days without contacting me and of course, it drives me nuts!! So I’ll end up contacting him. One time he went two weeks ignoring my calls, and texts, and then finally contacts me like nothing out of the blue, and said he loves that he was on his my mind. Is he a narcissist? And if so, what do I do? Do narcissists typically stick around or always come back if they ignore you for periods of time? I’ve never dealt with someone like this before.

[Alli39]

Honestly, what does it matter if he's a narcissist? (Which he may very will be, but still.) He's not treating you well regardless of how you label it. (Because, yes, let's take a moment to acknowledge that ignoring someone for days/weeks is not actually ok unless there's a serious emergency happening, and I'm talking like the guy was comatose and no one knew how to get into his phone to tell you he's ok.)

So, if you are so inclined, talk to him about how your expectations and desires seem to be differing, see if he comes to a compromise, and then leave if he refuses or fails to uphold whatever you guys agree on. Or just leave now and don't worry about trying to fix it. Up to you.

[mandyfire98]

Yes he's a narcissist. He's manipulating you. That's what narcissists do. They love bomb you at first and then pull back completely and then try to make you feel crazy. They love manipulating you, that's why he says "he loves he is always on your mind" he loves making you go crazy over him. Its control. He's working you like a puppet. That's what's fun to him and strokes his ego. Just wait until he starts gaslighting you. My advice from personal experience, run and don't look back. It only gets far worse from here. It can also get very dangerous.

[Asker]

And he is definitely on my mind all the time, and like you said, it drives me insane when he ignores me. I always am thinking i did something wrong. I caught him in a lie, and it wasn’t anything major, I didn’t freak out because I don’t consider what we have an actual relationship, I thought well, maybe because I brought this up, he would be done.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your response, I appreciate it. I just feel like there’s nobody I can turn to, and trying to understand why he’s doing this, or what it could possibly be.

[mandyfire98]

He's doing it because he has no empathy or sympathy for you. He enjoys toying with people. It feeds his ego. Get out while you can

[Asker]

I hate it when he does this by either clearing me or has me blocked. And I know he can see the blocked messages, and it’s like he just doesn’t care. From what you’re telling me by the time I were to be over him, he’ll come back around messing with my head again. 😩 I wish I didn’t have feelings, life would be so much easier.

[spartan55]

I don't think you understand what a narcissist truly is, but how does applying a psychology buzzword help you NOW?
He is a narcissist, he isn't, why does it matter? It doesn't. Maybe do some personal reflection on the situation, and how are you arrived at this point. This certainly isn't all on him either.

[Asker]

No, I understand what you’re saying, and I guess it really doesn’t help whether he is or not in the situation. I guess it’s more, so never have I been with somebody that has treated me in this way, and trying to understand why. And yes, I get that. It’s my fault for allowing the behavior to continue and putting up with the way he’s treated me It’s just all new and so insane that I just can’t understand.

[violetlily]

Going through something similar... I think it doesn't have to exactly be a diagnosis of being a "narcissist" but it can definitely be someone that has narcissistic tendencies/behaviors. Either way, it sounds like he sucks and you deserve better.

[Asker]

@violetlily thank you for your reply and I’m sorry you’re going through something similar. It sucks when you have feelings for someone like this, and can’t make sense of their actions.

[violetlily]

Yeah it does ): im focusing on the fact that if someone, especially a man, really loves you and cares about you they won't leave you guessing.

[Asker]

@violetlily that’s very true! And also, there is a saying that if they wanted to spend time with you, they would do whatever to spend time with you and not make up excuses. And even though I know this in my head, it’s still hard for me to let go. Which is why I wondered do you narcissist come back if they do let you go?

[violetlily]

Yes exactly. I know me too its very difficult rn to get over it. I'm not sure. For me, I guess I was love-bombed and I didn't really reciprocate the energy bc i was being cautious, he then didn't talk to me for a month but came back. However, i ignored him. He still contacted me again but this time he said something that gave me the impression he just wanted to string me along so I left him on seen and he blocked me. Yours may come back but they can be pushed to not return if they find they cannot get through to you.

[spartan55]

Another friends with benefits failure. Shocking.

[Asker]

@violetlily I hate it when he ignores me, and from what the above said it’s an ego thing for him. He doesn’t care how crazy it makes me. Since I caught him up, and though I didn’t get mad, maybe he’s done and won’t try. However from what I’m seeing more than likely he will, and it’ll be when I get to a point of being “over it” I’m glad you were strong enough to block. I wish I could, at this point I just can’t.

[violetlily]

He sounds crazy, he just wants attention without giving you anything meaningful in return. He'll keep trying for as long as you let him. I was not lol he was the one that blocked me. But I didn't respond to him which is what I think led him to block me. You will get to the point where you will be able to move on tho. Focus on how YOU are the prize and you won't allow anyone else to treat you like you're not.

[Asker]

@violetlily thank you for your words, and I’m sure you’re right. I know I’ll get to that point where I will not put up with it. And I’m sorry I misunderstood, I thought you had blocked. That’s the thing, these guys take control by blocking you and making you seem crazy, when in fact it’s them not yoi. Then keep coming back like it’s nothing. Thank you again, and I know I will get through this, it’s just going to take time. And though the odds are against me that he won’t contact me ever again but I guess you can say you never know.