I was diagnosed with severe ADHD five years ago. I always knew something wasn’t “in concert” upstairs at times.
Occasionally I get absolutely obsessed and fixated on certain issues. It’s actually a gift if I’m fixated on the right thing (e. g. goal, productive task, etc.). I will go to extremes to get it done and do my best. But when it’s the wrong focus it can absolutely wreck me. Makes me unnecessarily act extremely paranoid.
I know that’s a huge turn off to women. I know it’s definitely cost me in relationships and potential relationships. Men are expected to be emotionally stable and I usually am. But when the these episodes happen it can drive women nuts. One girl ghosted me after 9 months of dating after an episode a few years ago. But at least I am aware of it now.
What Girls Said
Talk to your doctor about getting help managing your condition.
Medication can really help. I'm currently in the process of exploring my diagnosis with my doc as well.
Paranoia can be extremely damaging in relationships, especially combined with manic episodes.
You've already seen what happens with unmanaged ADHD for you in relationships. Until you've managed to gain more control, probably hold off on dating.
I am on medication. Helps but doesn’t completely solve the problem.
I actually have very good self control externally. But internally I’m extremely tense and stressed when these episodes happen. Best I avoid people when they do. But they don’t happen all the time. Probably once every 3 months.
But you are right about it being damaging to relationships.
If there's a pattern, then you can work to manage it.
Only medication often isn't enough. Therapy and creating better overall coping mechanisms is necessary.
Your ADHD is not you. If it's causing damage in your life, then you have more work to do.
As a man I feel like I’m held to a higher standard on this tbh.
No, you're not.
When you're so paranoid it drives you to drive people away, that's the issue.
Your pity party isn't going to help you.
Accountability will.
I am not having a “pity party”. I admitted this to be accountable.
But I am not exaggerating about the expectation that as a man I need have more emotional stability than my partner. That really is expected.
No, it isn't.
Women aren't excused from managing their mental health.
I left my exgf because she also couldn't manage her emotions and behaviour.
Don't date women who can't control themselves. You're allowed standards, too, you know.
With all due respect you are in a different dynamic there. There are advantages in that dynamic (you naturally understand women better then vast majority of men) but also disadvantaged too
I actually did break up with my ex girlfriend because she had very real mental disorders. She has been committed to psych facilities (that’s never happened to me). When I broke up I did it as tactfully as possible. Face to face. I had to endure over 2 hours of her screaming, yelling, making a scene and it escalated to her trying to kill herself and the police being called. But I walked away I knowing I did the right thing because I gave her full closure. Let her get it all out of her system no matter how insane it was.
Now I have never had a woman break up with me with that kind of respect nor have I ever reacted the way she did. I am not ALLOWED to show my negative emotions like that because as a man I am considered “threatening”.
I still remember one of my ex gfs arranging for her roommate to be over along with her roommates bfs to “keep an eye on me” when I stopped by to pick up my stuff from her house.
Never did I lose my temper with her. Never did I threaten violence. I remained calm when she broke up with me that day even though my insides were reeling. She set it up so I couldn’t have much time and space to say what I wanted to say.
Case in point I did act weird around her at earlier times because it was paranoia about my own life problems which were exasperated by my own then undiagnosed ADHD. I’m not nor ever been a violent person in relationships though. But as a man I am judged with an aire of suspicion. I’m also a semi-muscular athletic man. Usually a good thing but not when women assume I could be “threatening”.
Whether fair or not I really am held to a higher standard on this. I won’t be judged on what I did or didn’t but rather what I “might” do.
Dude, YOU ARE ALLOWED EMOTION.
If you choose to stay with or date women who are intimidated by naturally occuring human emotions, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A BAD TIME EVEN IF YOUR NEUROTYPICAL.
Stop dating or tolerating people who refuse your humanity.
Yes men are allowed emotions. But still we are held to a different standard on this.
Look at how my one ex brought in other people in the background to “keep an eye” on me. If she started yelling at me most people wouldn’t give it a second thought. But if I did that to her then I might be “a threat”.
That was setup for her to minimize her emotional discomfort vs. her “protecting herself” from a legitimate physical threat (which I wasn’t).
This happens often. And honestly it f*cks guys up and makes them worse. It’s because those negative emotions get internalized and they don’t just go away.
It’s one the reasons you see a lot of guys often sharing negative posts about women on GAG. This is a safe place for us to ventilate. If we did it in public there is a much greater risk of losing face.
Also I am about 99% sure that girl likely cheated on me right before the break up. I believe she had to make me out to be the “bad guy” as much as possible to alleviate her own guilt. Not to say the break up wasn’t the right thing. I took ownership for my earlier bad behavior. I didn’t want to be in a relationship at the time but she actually treated me very well (and said I love you for an entire year) until the end.
Anyway I will quit ranting. I do not think this is a dynamic you will ever fully understand unless you were a hetero man dating women. I do appreciate your feedback though 👍
Bruh, you're fooling yourself with false differences.
You're not as unique as you think, and many men share how you feel.
But you're the only one who can ultimately stand up for yourself.
Best of luck in your future relatonships. I hope you find a woman who will give you the space and safety you need.
I know you are trying to help but again I don’t think you will ever understand this dynamic.
Welp, good luck with your own reality, then. I hope you get better somehow so you can enjoy more peaceful and intimate relationships.
Not interested to date anyone, I’ll get a sperm donor 6/7 years later and that’s it.
Well have fun.
Sounds okay.