Why is my ex saying he doesn’t want to have sex with other girls because he doesn’t want to hurt me?

[strawberrybaby3]

We broke up recently, we were together for 3 years and work together (I know, I know). And no I am not blocking him. I care about him but I am confused about his behaviour.

We have managed to stay cordial so that we don’t affect the workplace and there’s a girl that likes him, and I said he should tell her he’s single and he says no, & that he doesn’t want to hook up with anybody.

I asked why and he said because he doesn’t want to hurt me and that it just isn’t right. I said he is single, he can do what he wants and he said he doesn’t want to.

He’s also very involved in my dating life asking if I’ve slept with anybody yet and I tell him it isn’t his business.

I just don’t feel like the excuse of not wanting to hurt me is the real reason or he’s just not wording it right. What is going on here?

[Finchie40]

He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you because of work? and he can’t move on cuz hie doesn’t want to hurt you? it ummm he is playing you , Because Honestly it sounds like he is talking out his ass , and it sounds like he isn’t telling you everything. , He knows you are dating other people and he is concerned if you screwed any of them , Hate to break it to you but the truth is , he is seeing someone else as well , and he is not telling you about it , because he is trying to keep you as a back up plan if shit doesn’t work out with the girl he is seeing now , that he isn’t telling you about , he is making it seem like he is being sweet and innocent that you will jump back into his arms if the other girl doesn’t work out , so he is clearly playing you and feels you will jump back into his arms by acting like he has always been in love with you and that he has always stayed faithful to you. It sounds like he is a narcissist to be honest with you , you are probably best to tell him you screwed someone else and see his reaction

[strawberrybaby3]

No, we both work in the same place , and we started arguing a lot. Neither of us wanted to get fired so we broke it off. And this is the thing, we already went over the fact that we aren’t getting back together. So he does not get any benefit from hiding anything from me. And from the amount of times he has been messaging me every day, I’m not sure if he’s seeing anybody yet, especially because this relationship is by far the longest one he’s been in.

[strawberrybaby3]

I know from previous relationships he’s been in, although they were shorter, he doesn’t let go easily. And he’s not the type to just go out and sleep around either, and I know this for a fact, however I do not buy it when he says he’s refraining from it so that he doesn’t hurt me

[Finchie40]

It still sounds like he is weighing his options and not sure what he really wants. His comments to you about not wanting to hurt you is a crock of shit it sounds like to me , like it’s something he feels he can hold over you to make you seem like you are the bad one and he is the good one , basically implying that you are the reason things didn’t work out , he is pointing fingers at you basically and not admitting to himself that he was wrong as well, especially since you said you both argued a lot , He is trying to play like he was the good guy all along and that you were the reason the arguing occurred in the first place., Most people in general have a hard time admitting to themselves they were wrong as well , it’s always someone else fault , so again he is acting like he has been the good guy all along. My advice to you is to distance yourself from him as much as possible and don’t talk to him , kind of give him the cold shoulder that you have moved on and that he means nothing to you much anymore , Why you should never really stay in contact with exes period , I know your situation is a little different since you both work together , so that has to be hard. So my advice is to just distance yourself from him as much as possible , you don’t have to be mean to him but just make it clear to him that he is no longer a part of your life and that you moved on, He should eventually get the hint that you are not interested in him what so ever , tell him you met someone amazing , if he asks you again if you slept with him , just say Yes a bunch of times , And I guarantee he will eventually start distancing himself from you , if he gets jealous and upset that’s his problem , not yours. An ex is an ex for a reason Exempt them from your life

[strawberrybaby3]

Thank you for your advice, it really means a lot.

[Finchie40]

No problem , I been down that road before with some ex girlfriends that tried staying in touch with me and tried being a part of my life after we broke up to realize they wouldn’t be my ex period if they truly loved and valued me , so I no longer keep an ex in my life what so ever , i realized I deserve better than that with someone else , If they couldn’t stand by my side and work things out , like I choose to stand by theirs hen they are just a waste of time. The reason an ex tries staying a part of your life is because they feel like they still have a control over you and that they can manipulate you to do what they say. , they keep you as an option, Never be someone’s option , if someone truly loves you and valued you they wouldn’t be your ex to begin with. Why you should exempt all exes out of your life as much as possible and realize you deserve someone that wouldn’t walk away from you period. All that’s happening by you Keeping an ex in the picture is eliminating yourself from being able to fully move on and to find someone that truly wants to stand by you , Most guy’s will not stay committed to a girl that has her ex still in the picture , trust me

[strawberrybaby3]

Last night after your reply I told him that I don’t need him feeling bad for me and not hooking up with girls to avoid “hurting me” and that I really don’t buy that excuse and he said he meant that he has still not recovered from the breakup and is still healing (it’s only been a month since we’ve broken up), and that he wants to focus on having a healthy friendship with me after all the fighting we did.

[strawberrybaby3]

He also told me he still loves me and that’s why he cannot bring himself to see other people yet. I do believe him, if you’re with someone for 3 years I know it can be hard. I just didn’t believe that bullshit excuse he gave me so I clarified what he actually meant after you shared your opinion.

[Finchie40]

3 years is a long time , what did you both argue about if you don’t mind me asking?

[Billlewis]

I think this is absolutely wonderful. He obviously still cares for you and he's willing to sacrifice his own pleasure to focus on making sure that you're happy and comfortable. I hope you'll allow him to continue to be involved in your personal life in some capacity.

[strawberrybaby3]

I’ve told him that he can do what he wants, I do not want my happiness placed over his. I’ve clarified what he means by what he said, and he said he wants to heal, he still loves me.

[236color]

Maybe what he wants is for you not to have sex with other men because it would hurt him. Tough, it's over and you're a human.

[OlderAndWiser]

He is trying to prove his loyalty and affection for you so you will forgive and welcome him back into your arms.

[strawberrybaby3]

Well after he said that we agreed that being in a relationship at work was just too much and we were in each others faces too much which is why we ended it. He even acknowledged that we are just friends now so I don’t understand why he’d deprive himself if we made it clear we aren’t getting back together.

[spartan55]

You can't be friends with your ex because shit like this will keep popping up.

[strawberrybaby3]

Ugh, very true.

[DarkWinterNights]

Sounds complicated and full of drama. You either need to move on and break contact or get back together.

[strawberrybaby3]

I don’t want it to be complicated I just want to be friends, and I didn’t expect this conversation to come up. I am literally encouraging him to see other girls and he doesn’t want to. It’s just strange to me.

[DarkWinterNights]

He clearly still has feelings for you. Guys can’t just “be friends” with someone they were more than friends with.

[strawberrybaby3]

Yeah, true.

[Luckycharms12]

He is hurting clearly doesn't want to be with anyone. And still cares about you not long broken up

[Anonymous]

I assume he was the one that asked you out and hit on you