I don’t want to have sex with him, what do I do?

[Anonymous]

Me and this guy have been dating for a short while and honestly I’m not sure if he truly loves me or if he wants me for other reasons. I’m supposed to see him in two weeks and I know he intends on having sex with me while I’m there. What should I do?

[MrOracle]

I'm not telling you to have sex with the guy. However, you should never start a relationship with a man that you would not have sex with. Sex is an expectation in an adult relationship, eventually.

The fact that you don't want to have sex with him tells me that you know he isn't right for you, and that suggests that you are only with him for the attention he gives you and that you don't actually have feelings for him. That's the female equivalent of a guy using a girl for sex.

Do both of you a favor and end this farce of a relationship and do a better job of choosing and vetting your future boyfriends. You should be vetting men based on their morals, values, and life goals. If you do what most women do, which is choose men based on their looks, height, income, and status, you will get the same outcome that most women get: to be used by a series of high-status men who don't care about them and never had any intentions of committing to them, until their youth is gone and their partner potential has plummeted.

Morals, values, and life goals are what matter in the long term. Looks fade, money can be lost, and the men who are so attractive that all the girls want him have no reason to commit to anyone - they have unlimited options.

Choose wisely. Your youth will be gone before you know it, and life will get much harder for you if you are alone.

[Asker]

Oh no I do actually. I want to but I will not have sex if I feel like a guy doesn’t love me. That’s the thing.

[MrOracle]

That's smart. But, that also means staying together with him is dumb. It's better to be smart.

[Anonymous]

What exactly does he do or don’t do that makes you think he doesn’t want to actually be w you?

[Asker]

He takes hours to respond or doesn’t respond till I respond sometimes. Everything else is great though.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok does he even like texting? I don’t even really respond to my messages. That’s because I have a life, I’m always doing something if I’m not sleeping. That to me isn’t evidence that he may be cheating. Like I said you’re going to screw up something that is probably perfectly fine because you felt some how. Men, unlike a lot of women don’t sit around all day waiting to hear from women.

[Asker]

Yes he loves texting he literally runs his own text based server lol. He just chooses not to respond sometimes and it leaves me hanging to when he actually will reply. Sometimes when he doesn’t reply the text just completely changes the topic to something about himself. I don’t even really feel like he listens to me sometimes. Sometimes I say something and he just mentions something completely unrelated and when I ask what I just said he can’t really tell me.

[Asker]

When he does reply*

[Opinion Owner]

Well he may be taking you for granted, thinking ok well she’s always there so I can get to her when I want to. Or he doesn’t care about you as much as you care about him. In relationships one person always loves the other more, it’s never equal.

[Asker]

Yeah see thank you. You’re one of the few responders who has actually stopped to consider why things might be. I hate feeling like this. Should I just accept that I’ll be the one who loves more?

[Asker]

Right now he just told me he completed a project and when I asked to see he was like: no I’ll show you tomorrow I’m going to sleep and masturbating before I do

[Opinion Owner]

lol I mean there’s no way around it. It’s always like that. That one person always love the other more. I don’t know how to truly explain that. Like yes he loves you but w a lot of women it’s extreme as far as the love, which makes it sound bad. But that’s usually how it is. Chances are if you met some other dude things would be great in the beginning, but than they’d end up the same way.

[Asker]

That’s true. Alright I’m just going to go back, go ahead and embrace it then

[Opinion Owner]

Let me ask you, ideally what would be perfect for you as far as this relationship? What could he do to not make you feel this way?

[Asker]

For him to show more interest and cleanup those two things. In relationships where I loved the guy more I always felt insecure about it because things typically didn’t work out and were much more painful. Also, I work at a top company. Ever since I started working at this company people throw themselves at me all the time, gold diggers. Also he’s in another country looking to come to the US so he needs me for a green card. Which is why I’m trying to play all my cards right and make sure I’m not being used. He’s into submissive women so I don’t know where the line is at.
That response felt completely dismissive.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh damn. Ok so why not meet someone who is here in the states? I feel like this is just going to be a big problem. For some reason it raises red flags in my mind.

[Asker]

States has been harder since I’m a minority. Maybe meeting someone in the states could happen but I think he just came around before I could.

[Asker]

What raises red flags? The relationship being long distance?

[Opinion Owner]

Not so much long distance if it was in the states, but long distance as in he needs someone to get him into the country. That’s what raises a red flag to me. Do ou know much about his dating history?

[Asker]

Yeah that makes sense. It’s kind of scary. Also, on his dating history, all he really says is that he tried to find someone where he’s at but it never worked out and thus has been looking elsewhere because finding something there is difficult as he’s a minority too

[Opinion Owner]

What’s be your experience w men in the US?

[Asker]

Maybe it’s because I’m still kind of young but a lot of them are not looking for anything serious are just aren’t into me for some reason.

[Opinion Owner]

Do you mind if I ask what you look like? You work in a high end position? Would you date an older man?

[Asker]

Yeah here you go, this is an image of me: https://ibb.co/LrqBfJc
Also yeah software engineering. I would date an older guy!

[Opinion Owner]

Pretty. I like your smile. So let me ask you a the type of job you have would you say you’re masculine?

[Asker]

Thank you! 😊 Yeah it does feel a little masculine to have this job which is why I try extra hard to be feminine without coming off as super girly.

[Opinion Owner]

Well men do want the girly type in most cases. They don’t want a girl who has masculine energy. Let me ask you this? Would you date a man who makes less than you?

[Asker]

Really? I heard from a guy it’s kind of a turn off if a girl is extremely girly. Like pink enthusiast, flowers everywhere, etc. That’s how I was but then I stopped because I thought it was a turnoff and also pink isn’t the most professionally accepted yet. I would definitely date a guy that makes less as long as 1) he doesn’t expect me to pay more than half for things, 2) he has something in life he’s really passionate about

[Opinion Owner]

It may be a turn off to some. But I think what’s more of a turn off is a girl who is girly girly that she expects to be treated like royalty, like she's stuck up, like she’s better than others, etc. I like girls who are girly, but I also like a girl who can throw on a pair of jeans, t shirt and tennis shoes and we’re off to the game. A lot of relationships don’t work well when the girl makes more than a man.

[Asker]

Really? Why? (Asking about why things don’t work out if the girl makes more) Also that is me for sure. Sometimes I throw on a sweater and jeans.

[Opinion Owner]

Because a lot of times when a man makes less women don’t respect men. When there’s an argument a lot of women think we’ll forget you I’ll just replace you. I don’t need you I make enough money to pay my own bills, my own car, my own house. A lot of women like that seem like that have something to prove. So she doesn’t respect him in the way she would if he made more. In her eyes she thinks her making more mo ey makes her more attractive to men when it really doesn’t.

[Asker]

Wow I never thought about that. It gives the vibe that she doesn’t need him at all. Hmm I hope I’m not doing that.

[Opinion Owner]

It does. A lot of women these days have been brainwashed to think we’re equal to men. Which I don’t think is true. But a man is ingrained to be the protector, to be the provider, to take care of his family, to have a purpose. So when women have all that it’s like ok so what’s my part in this relationship than. I mean would you want a man who is equal to you or so what better? Meaning like taller, masculine, makes decisions, plans dates, etc?

[Asker]

Yeah that’s exactly what I want, a guy who will do all of those masculine things but still treat me well.

[Opinion Owner]

So if you had an IG account where you were taking a lot of selfies, half dressed, he said I would like you to take it down, what would you say?

[Asker]

Not only would I not do something like that but I would also definitely take it down

[sheikalana]

Listen, if you don't want to have sex with him then you're not gonna have sex with him. You either tell him or you don't get too close to him. In fact you don't even need to go see him.

[devilish-cutie]

you need to be able to communicate freely and tell him you are not yet on that level, if he is for you he will be respectful and wait

[OlderAndWiser]

"Me and this guy have been dating for a short while and honestly I’m not sure if he truly loves me" Love takes time to develop. Love at first sight is a myth; some people feel lust at first sight.

"or if he wants me for other reasons." Wanting sex doesn't mean that he ONLY wants sex.

"I’m supposed to see him in two weeks and I know he intends on having sex with me while I’m there." How do you know that?

"What should I do?" Depends. Do you feel like you NEVER want to have sex with him, or you just are ready for that at this point in the relationship?

[Asker]

Hey! Thank you for your response and sorry I didn’t see this before MHO was selected. I actually really appreciate this response and thought it was pretty sensible so I have a follow up question. You said love takes time to develop. Given that I do want to have sex with him at some point but I don’t think his love for me has fully developed yet, should I still give him sex or not?

[OlderAndWiser]

I know the different reasons why people want to have sex, but what is YOUR reason for wanting to have sex with him? Are you just horny? Want to learn if he's a good lover? Think having sex will make you get closer? Want to show him how devoted you can be to his needs? Something else?

[Asker]

I feel like I’m obligated to because he will be taking me on dates and I’m his girlfriend. Or at least that’s what some of the other people have said.

[Asker]

I am attracted too but we’re struggling rn so right now I’m not too keen on anything sexual as I usually would be.

[OlderAndWiser]

So this is a long distance relationship and you are travelling to where he is for a visit? What are the arrangements for where you will be staying? In his home?

[Asker]

Yup in his home but in considering staying at a hotel instead

[OlderAndWiser]

If you have sex because you feel obligated, you will probably develop some feelings of resentment, and you shouldn't do anything that significant in a relationship unless you are giving it as a sign of your attraction or connection to him. For most people, sex will immediately change how you feel about a relationship and it may lead to you rushing into this sooner than you should.

Just let him know that you so feel attracted, and you are tempted, but just don't think you are yet at the point of having a physical relationship, so the best way for you to avoid the temptation is for you to stay in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean what do you do? You say "No"! If you think that's going to be a problem you don't even go. It's that simple. I wouldn't want to sleep with a woman that doesn't want to sleep with me. Any decent man would feel the same way.

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

End it. He deserves someone that desires him. You obviously do not. And before you go into a diatribe about it, if you were that attracted to him you would jump him like a one night stand.

[Crankor]

You probably shouldn't even go then if you suspect that to be the situation and barely have (if any) intimate feelings for him. If this is a trip like visit then yah he's most likely going to expect that

[Nik1hil]

Break up, walk away. Don't waste his time..

you can date again, when you are ready to mate.

[Jamie05rhs]

He "intends" on having sex with you?
And does how does he intend on going about that?
Does he think that he owns your body or something?

[OddBeMe]

Tell him you aren’t ready. If he don’t stay he wasn’t worth it. Saved you time.

[TiaNour]

Just tell him no

[Apple1996]

Tell him no

[ChicoFromThe305]

Tell him you aren't ready

[slatyb]

Don't go.

[Luckycharms12]

Don't do it