I’m having an affair and have fell in love, I don’t think he loves me back?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I’m not looking for all the judgmental comments there isn’t enough hours in one day to write the full story here… but I’m in the middle of a 10 year affair. We work together, it was platonic for years, we was forced to work very closely, and built up a unique bond. Then Covid hit, we were told to work from home and I think that’s the point we relised we missed each other. Again it was just as friends, so we began to meet up here and there, and slowly, very slowly attraction and feelings began to creep in. Last year (2023) the game changed massively. We began cuddleing, holding hands and showing affection. Kissing became normal, and we would kiss each other goodbye as if we were a couple. We had sex twice last year, which given the opportunities we had for it to happen more this was minimal. Fast forward today, and I feel completely in love. I have opened up and told him everyday, I said I love him, and that I love my husband but I’m at a loss of what to do; how to go on. I said I have thought of leaving him as it’s not right for me to keep him in a relationship where I’m unsure of my own feelings. But he shuts down, and point blank refuses to tell me how he feels. I have asked if he loves me, but he refuses to say he does and refuses to say he doesn’t. He won’t say he feels anything but then doesn’t say he doesn’t. Now I’m confused: what does it all mean, I know he loves his wife he’s always told me that, and he’s a brilliant father. I’m not asking to run away; but I just needed to know what all this meant. I have cried to him, and begged him to tell me how he feels but he just won’t. I have said even if it’s not what I want to hear please just say it, so I can register it. My mind is in turmoil and I can’t understand why he won’t admit anything to me.

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

Your giving him non committal sex. Why would he screw that up by telling you your nothing but a convenient booth call?

This scenario is repeated time and again in affairs. The man doesn't love you. You developed feelings. He is just dropping his load and going to the gym.

He is playing the same lame script all affair partners do. Even if you enter a relationship, he will never trust you and will likely just cheat on you.

If they are willing to cheat WITH you, they will eventually cheat ON you.

[Asker]

Hardly, we have had sec twice, at the beginning of last year and I haven’t let it happen again, he has imitated sex a fair few times I will only allowing kissing. We have no plans to be together, I don’t want to be with him, I just want to know how he feels that it all.

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

That just proves the point. He got no sex but has tried more than a few times and rejected?

Now he shuts down. Those dots connecting yet?

[Asker]

No that’s not what happened, the sex ended the beginning of last year and he’s still been around, just won’t admit how he feels but thanks for the input.

[OlderAndWiser]

Of course you don't want to hear any judgments. Who does? But what you have done is horrible and you should be ashamed of yourself. If you don't feel shame, then your character flaw is even worse.

You don't love two people at the same time, because love isn't just what your partner does for you and how they make you feel. Love is wanting to be with our partner exclusively for the rest of your life. "I love you so much I want to offer ou half of me" just doesn't make the grade.

[Asker]

I appreciate that, and I would have had the same view before all this. I can honestly say, if you haven’t been in my position u truly can’t u understand. I love my husband, I love him enough to be honest and let him go. Yet the affair partner is so sure he loves his wife; yet continues with me behind her back. Do I love him more for setting him free or does he, for holding on to what they have.

[OlderAndWiser]

Everyone who has an affair has an explanation, reason, justification, excuse, etc. The fact that you feel your situation is different means you are like every other person who has had an affair. You need to let go of this guy because your future with him consists of having more sex until his wife discovers the affair, or he becomes afraid that she is close to discovering the affair. . . then it will end abruptly.

Do you want to continue your marriage? Are you willing to tell your husband? To you, won't he always feel like second-best, what you settled for because you couldn't have what you wanted?

[Asker]

I have tried to end it several times in the past, but it’s hard working together. On one hand I wonder if it’s even an affair if we have only had sex twice, affairs in my mind are regular, this is not: we are close friends, who show affection and have been caught out twice. I don’t know how he’s happy continuing as we are, my head is a mess, I don’t feel I belong anywhere. I don’t feel I fit at home, and I don’t feel I fit with him becus I know we have people we are committed to at home.

I love my husband, but I don’t feel in love. My affair partner says I’d feel the say about him before long, and that 6 months into us I’d be bored of him and the sex. I feel numb other than feeling love for him. I just want to be with him all the time, sex is only good if it’s with him, or I’m imagining it’s him.

[OlderAndWiser]

You don't want what you have and you can't have what you want.

Do you have children at home?

[Asker]

Yes I do

[OlderAndWiser]

Are you willing to end the affair and stay with your husband, at least until the youngest is out of the house and living independently?

[Asker]

Yes. I’m hoping in time I can learn to love my husband again

[OlderAndWiser]

Hopefully, lesson learned. The best way to deal with temptation is to avoid it.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

You’re having an affair what do you expect? Whine more and beg more and you’ll create a karma for your actions with your own mouth.

[Asker]

How’s that

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

The reason he started sleeping with you was that he thought as you were already having a partner, you wouldn’t ask for anything more. :P

He likes sleeping with you, but he has a family. He’s a cheater too, but he’s not interested to get out of the comfort and leave his family for you.

Most smart men, would not…

Why would he do that, if he sleeps with you anytime he wants and also have his family?

Plus he already told you he loves his wife and a child…

Keep asking for love and soon he will stop having sex too… Because he is obviously not interested in starting a relationship with you.

I know a 35 yo man who asked who told a 50yo woman

“Your one word and I am filing for divorce papers… Just tell me you’ll accept me to you and I need no one else.”

That is love.

And a woman answered “I don’t want you to ruin your family for me. Stay with them.”

That is love too…

As immoral as it is.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

What you are describing here is the lust and he seems to know it.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am sorry but He’s lying to two women… Why do you need a man like that?

[Asker]

I get that, out of all the comments here I connect more with this. It’s 100% why he let things get so far with me, because I too am in a relationship and was a safe bet on exposing him as I’ll expose myself. I guess now he’s afraid I may want more from him and he’s not willing to provide that. I know he loves his wife, he’s told me a thousand times and he’s never told me he loves. I love my husband, but I do also love him, which I’ve told him. Neither of us want to leave our current relationships to be together, we would never work, all I have simply asked is how he feels about me which he point blank refuses divulge. We have only ever had sex twice, and that was the beginning of last year. I have refused every encounter since, so I refuse to believe he is only using me for sex seen as we don’t have any. But thank you for your comments, they have helped a little

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am glad it helped… So, you just need to know he loves you to please you ego? You don’t need that… If You love your partner, then, stop messing around with another guy.

[Asker]

I just want to know if how I feel it mutual, or if it’s just me. That’s all, it’s a simple question which just needs a yes or no answer. I won’t be acting or making any decision off his answer, it’s just so I know where I stand. I do love my husband but it’s complicated in so many ways.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I can’t give you an answer unfortunately…Maybe talk to your husband so you don’t have to compensate for not feeling loved by seeking for it from other men… What is complicated with your husband?

[molonski2]

These situations are never black/ white , nor is love , I believe in summary you have answered all yourself , things just need to carry on as they are , what is the point with regard to who loves who? Everyone , loves in some way , its not simple , same for yourself.

Just lets things continue to enhance , dont put your lover under pressure , just enjoy the best of both worlds , but lets not destroy things with " does he love me back " , he does , and its in his own way. You are both married , no one is at fault , no judgement on either side.

[Asker]

You sound just like him. That is something he would say

[molonski2]

Well , there you go , he is a smart , educated guy.

[Asker]

He came in work today, after my breakdown yesterday (me crying begging him to tell me how he feels.) I thought we wouldn’t speak and he would give me space, he lasted until after lunch and then arrived at my desk, held my hand and asked if I felt better today, smoothed my hair out of my face and just made some silly jokes. I swear I can’t be imagining how he feels for me but why won’t he put it into words.

[molonski2]

Well , seriously what you have described is exactly what I would do ( If I were him ) , he cares for you a lot , thats really obvious , but he wants to stay married too.. but you are also married , so he wants you to feel great , not be crying about it.
Look , I had this exact circumstance at work years ago ( except I was not married - she was ) and she was awesome , incredible , did I love her? - Sure I did , but I didn't want to fck her life up.
She begged me , But I would say , hang on Ms I , think it though ( I was older ) ..
I'm happy to say , I think I made the correct call , she went on to have 2 children to her husband , and its worked out well. But , I think about it often , and a super hot babe , and great lover for me.

So I kinda understand your guy , he's a good honest , caring man , I see why you like him so much.

[Asker]

He says that all the time too, that he’s not here to fuck up my life. The day I had a breakdown and cried to him; I told him that if he didn’t love me then to stop and back off, because I’m obviously heading in the wrong direction. He hasn’t and has continued to be around so I guess he feels the same? Either that or he enjoys playing me. Anyway I wasn’t going to act on what ever answer he gave, I just wanted to know what I was to him. But I guess I’ll never fully know. thanks for answering.

[molonski2]

Okey , its all been said.. Good luck , think you are a little too committed to a fantasy.

[exitseven]

he does not love you. He is afraid his wife will kick him out and he will have to move back with his parents.

[Roudyrebel8]

Maybe he's not sure how he feels about it. All I can say is do the best you can

[boggboss]

So what are u asking for here or looking for

[Asker]

Why he won’t tell me what I am to him, or how he feels.

[boggboss]

Because he doesn't want the drama that comes with telling u and clearly is happy with the current situation and dont want u asking questions

[Asker]

But why would there be drama, I would feel settled once I actually know.

[boggboss]

Because if he told u he didn't love u would u continue to have the affire with him most likely not and if he said he does love u but is not willing to leave his wife u would eat to know why

[Asker]

So how do I determine the truth? How do I know which it is if he won’t say

[boggboss]

What are u talking about its impossible to know

[boggboss]

If he is not willing to tell you then u can't guess what the truth is but that he is reluctant to tell u shows enough that he doesn't care for somthing u want or need

[Asker]

Yes that’s what I said to him. I told him that by him refusing to answer my questions actually answered them. So I guess it all meant next to nothing for him. More like a fantasy get got real on a few occasions. Sad but true

[Asker]

That got *

[boggboss]

Meh did u never find it odd u would leave your husband for him but he wouldn't leaver his wife for u that alone shows how he valued u

[Asker]

I would never leave my husband for him, but I get your point

[boggboss]

I dono the way your speaking seems pretty clear u prefer him over your husband sex is bland without thinking about him r it being him

[Notherndude84]

Probably should end it

[Miah04]

Your poor husband.

[Asker]

People just assume he’s been a saint all these years, there’s a reason people have affairs. Like I said, you don’t know the full story and I’m not looking for judgment

[Miah04]

Don't care. You guys have problems do the right thing and try to fix it. If ya can't, get a divorce, then see other people.

Not cheat on the man you planned a life with.

Don't care if you ain't looking for judgment.
Your husband wasn't looking to be a cuckold, but ya did it anyway.

There is never an excuse to cheat.

Of course he ain't in love with you.
You married and steppin out with him. He knows eventually you would do it to him too, the moment you are bored with him.

[Asker]

We have no plans to ever be together

[Miah04]

Just gets grosser and grosser