Why is my ex so hot and cold with his feelings?

[Anonymous]

Before you ask why I still talk to my ex, we are obligated to sometimes. He goes from saying he isn’t over me yet to then denying that he ever said that to saying he doesn’t still love me, to then saying a week later that he still does deep down, and it just keeps going on and on. I don’t understand why he’s so conflicted for?

[Anonymous]

If you’re obligated to talk to him sometimes then there’s nothing you can do about that part but there’s plenty you can do about the rest.


Your ex enjoys wasting your time, that’s it and that’s all. Someone who truly loves you or even deeply cares for you would neverrr put you through the wringer, and they wouldn’t allow you to do that to them in return. I don’t know what setting it is that you have to see him often but if I were you I would set very platonic boundaries, keep as much distance as a can and stop letting him disappoint and deceive me. There is no good reason on this earth why he’s hot and cold except the fact that you not only allow it, but have actively shown him he can walk in and out of your life like a revolving door.


He has shown you time and time again that he’s inconsistent, indecisive, and disappointing, all of these things are not changing for you. So don’t entertain it.

[Asker]

You’re right. I know he does have mental issues (autism, borderline personality disorder) and everyone around me thinks he loves me but that he’s just too unstable to be in a relationship. I was his longest one and I know he cares about me but he will not admit he has a problem or get any help. I try to help him as much as I can as a friend and he has done the same but he won’t accept any accountability for anything.

[Opinion Owner]

I 100% get that, my ex of 3 years was autistic and my goodness he put me through it. The love bombing was extreme and felt very genuine but then the turnaround was just as serious. I tried so very hard to understand and support him, especially since we shared the same friend group, it’s like he was unavoidable which was a reason why it was hard to not only be done with him but to not feel guilty if we broke up, as if I were giving up on him how everyone else did. The thing is though, as women we have to recognize what we can and cannot do for men, and what we can’t do is love them into changing. You aren’t a bad person if you aren’t trying to navigate his mental issues or “hang in there” for him, it doesn’t award you any favor from him or incite a desire to be a better partner to you. All he will do is glue himself to the woman that he thinks will put up with his shit exactly as it comes, and that’s just not realistic. If you step back, remove the romance/love from this situation for a minute and just look at him as-is, I guarantee you’d say he does not need to be in a relationship with anyone right now. He should be prioritizing his betterment and date in the future when he has a better handle on his mental issues.

[Asker]

Totally agree with you. One minute he hates my guts, denying he ever said that he still loved me, next minute he isn’t over me and still loves me (this is the borderline personality disorder coming out). I don’t think he’s a bad person and that’s why I try to calm down and understand that this is a mentally ill person I’m dealing with but you’re right, if we broke up, it was for a reason. Then he wants to tell me that I misunderstood what he said and that he really meant that he still sees me as a good friend that he values very much but if he really meant that, he’d just say that then. He would go on and on about loving me and not being over it, because that’s a totally different thing.

[Opinion Owner]

Gosh, I had so much of the same situation, because if your ex is like mine then the back and forth was incessant. Some nights we’d go out and he would hover, hanging all around me or on me, in my face trying to kiss me and confess all his love. Many times he’d cry, manipulate, blame his autism and showered me with affection.

Then the switch would be crazy, absolute freaking whiplash. Very next day he could ignore me, then the day after that as well. Steer clear of me with our friends, embarrass me at times with his coldness because all our friends noticed and thought I was being inconsiderate or impatient with him. Unfortunately friends can be enablers to that behavior too. It’s so toxic, and if you have experienced anything like this then you get all of it.

You just have to see him for what he is, which he can be a good person but as a boyfriend he just sucks, he doesn’t know how to be a good partner he can barely take care of himself properly. This realization here is hurtful, but one day he will change for the right person, it just isn’t you, as it wasn’t me. I think it’s for the better as well, since your ex seems to live in denial as well, it is an never ending loop.

I just wouldn’t entertain it anymore if I were you, no more chances to disappoint or hurt you any more than he already has.

[Asker]

I’m sorry you had to go through that. And to be very honest with you I don’t think he will change for anybody. He’s had quite a few girlfriends before me but they lasted for a very short period of time. I was by far the longest. 3 years compared to a few months here and there with the others. He won’t even admit to having Autism or borderline but everyone around him knows he does. His parents also have a very big influence on who he dates and have emotionally abused him all his life. He’s told everyone including me that if his parents don’t like his girlfriend, that they will completely cut him off financially and want nothing to do with him. I am actually 24, I’m not the age that I put here, and do not have a stable career yet which was the reason for our breakup so sometimes I think that the hot and cold could be because his heart feels one way but he also doesn’t want to be disowned by his family? It’s a very screwed up situation.

[Opinion Owner]

You may be right about him not changing, I’ve moved on since my ex but any time since and before me nothing lasted long and it’s as if every ex abused him. Interesting that yours was also 3 years, small world lol. When it comes to his parents even if he weren’t autistic I wouldn’t want to be with him. If his parents have that much influence over his choices then you will always have their hand in your relationship and who wants that? It doesn’t just stop at wanting his partner to have a good job or career, they control much more than that. Then if he relies on them for finances to me it just enables him to avoid responsibility in all areas of his life. He will never step fully into the role of a man/provider/husband when he’s cozy in his safety net. You need someone who is ready to stand on their own two feet, and have a relationship that doesn’t involve a single outside party, not family, friends or anything. My ex was the exact same way I swear, his parents have a lot of money and influence in his life. They paid for a good portion of rent for his apartment, got him a car, but emotionally put him through so much trauma as a kid, I definitely think it contributes to who he has become. He is also avoidant with receiving help for his mental issues and would flip out if I mentioned it when he’s usually an upbeat person, never angry. Thinking about all that I can really say you’ve been emotionally abused. Trying to be patient and understanding is appreciated sometimes and taken for granted much more. It’s a never ending cycle.

[Asker]

Yup!! Wow , looks like our exes have so much in common. Best for us to just move on with our lives, safe to say they will never find women like us who tried to accept their mental illness and show kindness and compassion towards them. There is a reason why their relationships never lasted before we got with them and this pattern will continue. People like this don’t just change and even if they wanted to it would be very hard. I wish you the best of luck with everything and thank you for your advice

[Opinion Owner]

You are 100% right! It’s hard letting go, for me it was tough navigating our friend group as well during that time, I missed a lot of outings, even a wedding lol but it was all for the better just to be done. Like you said, you can do your best to show kindness, compassion, patience, love, but at the end of the day they just are who they are. I was ultimately much better off without my ex, and I feel certain you will get the same outcome! Thank you, wishing you luck as well☺️🤍

[laly520]

he is playing with ur mind
make interactions so limited

[lightbulb27]

there's reasons... isn't there? not always easy to see.

if can sit down and talk to his inner child, you'll get further.

[Asker]

I know he doesn’t have some mental health issues but what would make someone go out of their way to keep telling their ex they have feelings when they can just move on? It’s been months and I know for a fact he has not slept or went out with anybody. Why say all these things to me then deny it, then do the same thing over and over?

[Asker]

*he does have

[lightbulb27]

It’s called double minded he’s internally confused he wants something but is afraid

[lightbulb27]

Or he’s on drugs medication’s or has a brain injury

[Asker]

He literally told me yesterday he does not want to be with me which is fine. So then I asked why is he going through this pattern of telling me he still loves me deep down and isn’t over the relationship just yet. He denies saying it which really makes me think his mental health is even worse than I thought and is obviously going through “splitting” which people with borderline personality disorder are notorious for. Then I’m sure a few days from now it’s going to be a different story once again. How do I get him to open up?

[Asker]

And he tells me that I misunderstood the whole thing and that he meant he loves me as a friend still but then a man would simply just say that. They wouldn’t go on and on about not being over it and still loving somebody. Those are two totally different things

[lightbulb27]

he's confusing, you sure he's not drunk? best way is to sit next to him, give him something to fidget with in his hands (toy), and give space to talk without pressure. observe the emotions come and go. as they do, ask him what he's thinking or feeling.
he probably won't know. tell him as he goes through this, write things down... what he feels, how that relates to childhood.
Generally speaking... connection is familiarity... it's sub conscious mind mapping to the childhood emotionally impactful events. When I hear him say "I love you"... it's "I need you", not "I'm here for you and not gonna run". So question is how you relate to his childhood. Are you like his mother in some aspects or father and how. If he was left before, he may have those wounds. he may be unable to leave because that means... something else in the past is unresolved. He may be unable to commit because that is what he saw modeled or other emotional damage... self worth issues.

It takes some sleuthing, but do you see "what makes relationships tick"? It shouldn't be so hard, but it is because people are emotionally damaged.

[boggboss]

Because he is playing games ir because he has no clue what he wants or maybe he is bipolar

[In_Trance]

Stop interacting with your ex

[Asker]

Clearly you can’t read.

[In_Trance]

I can definitely read an outside of children there's no obligation to interact with an ex.
And even if there was you have complete control over what you actually discuss. That's what you're not doing.
Take control