Abusive, using manipulator or mentally ill person in denial?

[Radiate143]

I've known a guy for about two years. We tried dating but he did some crazy ghosting stuff and I stayed away from him.

From the very first conversations I ever had with him, I noticed his mood was not so stable.

I am pretty much 100% sure he is suffering from bipolar but I'm not a psychologist.

I flat out asked him if he was bipolar and he denied it but he totally acts like someone with untreated bipolar.

He said he cuts off people when he thinks about his dead family members (he lost a bunch of them in an earthquake) but I said I didn't buy it since he goes attention-seeking on social media during these times. Also, he would do this before they died.

He's been trying to see me for the past two weeks but due to the unresolved issues I've held firm.

I took the "empathetic" approach and firmly told him what I will not tolerate but I also advised him to confront his pain and stop trying to fill the void with external validation. I never said I would be with him or anything like that.

Ironically, this firmness doesn't seem to repel him. It makes him want to see me more.

I have said to him that whatever he wants to tell me, I won't judge him and he will open up. I just dont know if it's manipulation or baby steps towards working on himself. He's attractive and handsome and I've even told him go find a girl who will tolerate his bad behaviour. There are many that will for a guy who looks like he does.

He will try to act right but then the switch flips and he wants to come back full of apologies and regrets.

Manipulator or guy struggling really badly?

[Peter_Penetrator]

He is struggling badly. A lot of people either don’t want to accept they need meds, or they don’t want to spend their alcohol, cigarette, or vape money on meds, they might be afraid to lose any guns they may own (red flag) laws, or maybe they have people close to them that talk them out of taking meds because if that person gets better they won’t need to rely on said loved ones and said loved ones fear they could lose that person when that person becomes happier. Like a wife, girlfriend, mother, father or a member of the clergy.


I have been bipolar for over 30 years. As l went from one doctor to the next, trying this med and that med, l had a hard time trying to figure out how to explain how l felt. I found the best description some 10 years ago after hearing the term “brain fog”. Anyway, after feeling like the meds prescribed to me by psychiatrists weren’t working, l finally asked my family doctor for help. He gave me a prescription for a drug a psychiatrists gave me once but at a much higher dose. Man that made a big difference. But l still felt more could be done. So about 10 years after that l hit rock bottom. I started seeing a psychiatrist 2 hours away, and still do. She put me on a drug l had been on before. Then l asked if she could put me on one that l hadn’t been on before in conjunction with this other. So now 4 years later l am on a three drug cocktail. This is the best l have ever felt. It just took a combination of meds to make this different life l am now experiencing happen. I will never be 100%, but l can handle life much, much better now.


I did research on my own about the different brain chemicals responsible for good mental health. Evidently all three meds l am on targeted what l was missing or had too much of.


It will be difficult convincing this person they need help. But try anyway. Good luck.

[Radiate143]

Thanks for answering. I'm happy to hear you have gotten to a manageable place with your diagnosis. 🙂

He doesn't use drugs or anything like that.

He used to smoke. Before we even said we liked each other, I mentioned I didn't like smoking. He quit right then before we even tried to be in a relationship. It's like he made up his mind he was going to date me long ago.

I have my own issues with people getting close to me so I get distrustful and I know I have trouble being vulnerable but I've made great strides.

I asked him if he wants to evolve or just keep going in circles and he said he wants to grow.

I said changes + actions. He wanted to see me but I said no because I have a boundary about showing up unannounced and expecting me to drop everything to meet you. This is with everyone except my mom.

I have been a chronic people pleaser in the past so saying do this do that is hard for me BUT he responds well to direct stuff like this.

I always accuse him of wanting me only for my body and for validation because he doesn't ask me questions about my life.

My gut tells me he's mentally ill, my mind is telling me he is trying to manipulate me (I called him out on everything) and my heart just wants to love him.

Everyone is different but how do I know if he is sincere about me with all of this ghosting fits? He has never played games about being a couple or any of that stuff. Just the erratic behaviour is the issue.