A guy friend of mine and I are usually really close and enjoy each others company. We engage in a lot of banter, but he is in a relationship so it never is anything serious.
Because I hadn't seen him in a while, I decided to add him on socials.
He accepted. A few days later an incident between the two of us occurred for which I reached out and apologised. Things seemed to be alright afterwards, so I made a joke and that was it. He deleted me the day after.
I don't expect any of you to know why he would unfriend me, but if this would have been you in this scenario: what would make you delete someone you usually get along with really well?
Hurt by the joke after the incident, so wouldn't want to be in contact again.
girlfriend noticed you texted and she didn't want me to reach out
It would be inappropriate to text with a female and so I delete them
It makes me feel like you added me only to talk privately and I am not interested in that
I want to keep my private life private, even if we get along
There is no real reason I would delete you, because social media isn't that serious. I would have just let it be.
Anything else (see comments)
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My friend accepted my request, then deleted me a few days later. Why?
I'd say it really all depends on what the "incident" was and how bad the situation was in the moment. It also comes down to how territorial and jealous his girlfriend is, and whether or not she's cool with you and his boyfriend staying friends. So maybe before you added him on your socials, you should have clarified that with him if it's cool for you guys to add each other up, because even if his girlfriend isn't like that, it's still important to ask.
But if you're asking if I was your guy friend in this situation, then yes, things would have gone much differently. I'm not the kind of guy to keep a jealous and overprotective girlfriend who has trust issues, because for me, if she can't trust me to keep it in my pants when I'm around the opposite gender, or for the opposite gender to do the same and me having self control, we don't belong together anyways. Besides, I already only have like 2-3 friends irl, and whenever I was dating someone, I'd always try my girlfriend to get along and be friends with my friends, so they can see for themselves how my relationship with my friends is purely platonic and nothing else; sibling-like even.
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That's exactly what I've been thinking and indeed, all my guy friends introduce me to their partners and whenever they don't because their girlfriend gets jealous, the relationship usually ends in a short notice.
I commented the complete scenario on someone else's reply below, but to keep it short, it was for the fact that I was bugging him throughout training and while he would usually laugh about it, he would now make remarks that signalled a sense of annoyance. Thus giving me the impression I had actually been bothering him.
I apologised for what I had said and he commented something about me having to know better. He used a sentence that he usually says in a sarcastic sense so I assumed all was well and he wasn't actually bothered but just made fun of the scene. I replied in a similar sarcastic sense and thought we were fine. A few hours later he had deleted me.
@Valdemort whatever your intentions may have been, that being said, you should have known better. Most of us guys laugh off the things being said to us in whatever context, whether it might've offended us or not, so you should have looked out for some of the cues he may have given off, if the former were true. Did his body language seem discomforted to you? Did his tone take on a more serious tone? Did he look like he was changing the subject? If that were the case and you still persisted, thinking he was cool with it, then I'm sorry to say, but you may have crossed a limit
I think I'll learn about the reality of it whenever I see him again, if I do.
We're part of the same club so I imagine we will bump into one another again at some point and I'll just see whether or not he wishes to interact or not.
It occurred once before where he seemed upset with me and didn't interact for a few weeks until I joked about something minor and he started opening up again, so I guess I'll learn the hard way if I did in fact cross a line and he no longer wants anything to do with me.
@Valdemort exactly, that's the spirit. Misunderstandings happen, so one shouldn't hold grudges for long anyways, especially if the other person never meant it.
Eitherway, if and when you do see him again, start by observing his body language and start by saying hi, and see how he actually reacts to make sure if he wants to talk or not. If he seems like he's ignoring you or doesn't want to talk, that should give you the hint. If he seems normal and reciprocates, try not to bring the subject again, unless he does it himself, in which case, apologize immediately and admit that you didn't read between the lines. Hope it works out well for you
A couple of your choices could honestly be it or a mix of them. Was upset with your message, girlfriend found out, or he isn't interested in chatting because he has a girlfriend so it would be inappropriate for him. I think it's one of these three or a mix of them.
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Is it something I should be concerned about? As in, will it put a strain on our friendship, you imagine?
It could ruin your friendship depending on the reason he blocked, I would have to know a lot more to give you a more clear answer. I don't know about worrying about it unless you really value his friendship. I get you don't want to lose a friend, but he is in a relationship.
For what it's worth. I did once ask him to hang out casually, but because he was seeing someone (I didn't know that at the time) he declined.
I took a step back, because I know myself and can quite easily get a little too attached to people I feel comfortable with.
We share the same sense of humor so we often make fun of one another and it's all fine. People think we're complete idiots by the way we talk and act around one another, which makes it more fun for us.
However, some days he would approach me, other days he would be cold and just ignore me wholeheartedly. He would stand on the other side of the room to, what I assumed, not have to stand close to me or interact.
Since December I had a feeling something was going on as he was getting a little more close. Reached out more often (offline, we met through our sports club) and would sometimes say things like not wanting to switch partners whenever we were training together; ask if I would be around next training; and at times even make more inappropriate jokes that implied a sense of interest (asking if I would want to have intercourse or just bluntly talked about "his size"). I once told him I wasn't active in any of that so I assumed it wasn't too serious and just laughed about the matter. He would too.
Right after New Year's he was first to greet me, kiss my cheeks, then wanted to work out together. Afterwards as we drove of he'd blow kisses in my direction. I'd reciprocate and do the same.
At some point he joked about loving me a few times, and because I didn't know how to react to those remarks I would say "I can see that," but was confused to say the least.
Eventually he didn't show up for some weeks, which was when I ended up adding him on social media.
The incident I mentioned was about the fact that he seemed bothered by my behaviour, which was new for me. He would usually laugh about remarks I made but not he seemed genuinely annoyed by the things I said. +
He replied with a remark he would usually use in a sarcastic sense, to make fun of me. So I assumed he was being sarcastic on his reply as well.
(He said something along the lines of: I should know better because I was high educated and just because someone else wasn't, I should have been more aware of the consequences of my remarks)
The high educated thing is something he says all the time, which is why I assumed it was more of a joking, casual reply. Which made me reply in a sarcastic sense as well and kinda told him he was right and that I should know better and take his feelings more in account etc.
He didn't reply to that text as I guessed he wouldn't, because there would be no reason to. However, halfway through the day I noticed he was no longer part of my friends.
Which is why I am confused.
Like, did I really read the situation completely wrong and absolutely misjudge his feelings, actually making him feel bad about himself... or was it the fact that I reached out in the first place that caused him to be bothered?
I mean, I can understand if he wants to respect his relationship and doesn't want anyone to reach out, out of nowhere, but since we're generally on good terms, I am left with the impression that I did actually do something wrong. I'm just not sure what.
(I'm so sorry for this enormous message omg. I won't blame you if you didn't read it all!)
Honestly, in my personal opinion this sounds like it's borderline inappropriate considering he's with someone. I'm not accusing you of doing it on purpose, but you are indirectly tempting him to cheat with you. I think he's honestly into you That's why he may be upset with you saying you can see that when he jokes about loving you. I could be wrong about this, but if he's making sexual jokes to you when he's in a relationship there's probably something there and I don't think that's appropriate.
Thank you for your honesty. I can see why my behaviour isn't that appropriate either.
I've been told more often that people consider my way of conversing as a sense of flirting, even when I'm not trying to mislead anyone.
At the same time, I do sense that I feel different about this guy than I feel about others, which is why I generally tend to be more open and make remarks that are probably considered inappropriate.
Thing is, since I never date, I am often considered as 'one of the guys,' and generally don't get any male attention that is anything other than friendliness and casually flirting in a harmless sense.
(My three best mates are guys I've known for years and it's generally the way we talk to one another, even though two are in a relationship. They are very open about it with their partners, so it's never really anything that crosses a line).
I've talked about this with that guy in particular as well, told him I don't want to date anyone - especially not if they're taken! Omg. - and whenever he makes sexual remarks, I would say something like "is that what you tell your partner" or stuff like that. Because I knów he is with someone and I don't want to give the impression that I'm trying to get them to separate.
But anyway, this doesn't take away that I too make inappropriate remarks and obviously should learn to keep my mouth shut and not reply on the things that he's saying in a sense that could get him to do anything I wouldn't want my partner to do in a relationship either.
I really have to learn a bit more about social cues.
I think most of us struggle with social cues. I can pick up social cues from guys but not from girls. Not one bit. From what you're saying. I believe you. You're not trying to be inappropriate or anything? You're not the only girl that hangs out with only guys, but I will say this. The reason you're not getting attention from guys is they might be assuming your with one of those guys. If I see a girl with a bunch of guys I assume she's dating one of them. Also I kind of assume you're a good looking, girls that mainly hang with guys usually are and the fact that you get guys being friendly and flirty with you even in a casual sense makes me think you're probably attractive. So that might be another reason guys don't approach you. They probably think you're out of their league and have to be dating someone in your guy group
Yeah, I've come to learn that social cues really aren't as socially cueing as they are suspected to be hah.
The only thing I can come up with that actually crossed a line was when at some point I made a remark to which he replied "but you still love me," and I had said "Just a little bit. But only if it's mutual."
I knew very well what I was doing when I said that, and so did he, especially because he would respond "Just a little bit" in return.
But other than that, anything sexual I would either ask about his partner or just joke about it in a way that made clear I wasn't trying to prey on him. I'd assume he was very well aware of it.
As for getting attention and having male friends, it's a grey area for me. Because I do hang out with two women regularly, but I can honestly tell you that men wouldn't care in that moment either. Honestly, I don't mind too much, but I have wondered at times whether I really look as unapproachable as I feel at times lol.
(This has gone completely off topic, but thank you nevertheless for your time and insights :))
I don't mind going off topic lol it was your question be different if I was who asked. But I have more more point on being approached by men. If you're an attractive girl who doesn't show off and dress more modestly I feel that most men don't approach you because they assume you're out of their league or have to be taken. I don't know how you dress, but if it's more modestly that could be part of the reason. Attractive girls that dress immodestly generally get more attention because lots of guys think and assume they are more slutty. Not all but a lot
Hahaha yeah, well, half the time I look like I either ran away from the army, just came back from a funeral or ready to work out. Literally no fashion on my side. Make of that whatever you think suitable 😂
Nowadays unfortunately we live in a twisted online world where people friend us, unfriend us, friend us again, unfriend us again, refriend us & after they refriend us they block us, unblock us, block us again & all kinds of silliness like that.
As for your guy friend clearly you like him & unfortunately an incident between you two occurred & it pleases me to hear that you reached out apologizing. As for your guy friend he’s in a relationship & it’s highly possible his new partner had something to do with him unfriending you.
As for me I want to get to the bottom of this bucket of clams. After your guy friend accepted your friend request you stated an incident occurred so what exactly occurred? Feel free to follow me if you don’t want to say what happened on here.
Are you in love with him?
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We see one another on weekly basis, offline. We're part of the same sports club. But he hadn't been around for a couple of weeks.
The last time I saw him, he joked about loving me and since he has a girlfriend, I didn't know how to react and told him "I can see that," to which he replied "but I do love you". Our way of communicating is often rather sarcastic, so it was hard for me to decipher how serious I should take the remark and since I didn't know how to reply I said "i can see that in the way you look at me". There was a sense of truthfulness in it, because I have at times considered the idea that he might be in to me, but he literally had a child a few years ago with his current girlfriend and I am not looking to be a home wrecker, nor do I wish for him to sacrifice his relationship for me. As someone who has had her feelings in knots quite a few times, I don't wish to be too judgmental on his remarks. There have been times he made sexual jokes and I would refer to his girlfriend to let him know that I was aware of his relationship and so should he be.
Because we are often sarcastic towards one another, I was telling our trainer he was doing the exercises wrong, multiple times. He usually laughs about such things. It had been three weeks since I had seen him and this time I sensed something was going on, as he got more serious. Didn't laugh at my remarks and at some point only said "what are you going on about?" I assumed I had hurt his feelings one way or another, hence I reached out to apologise in case I did actually say something that hurt his feelings.
He replied with a message that stated I should have known better and that I should be more considerate, but accepted the apology. However, he used a particular sentence that he usually says to mock me, which is why I thought his reply in general was more of a sarcastic reply and he didn't actually really care about what I had said to him. In return, I messaged in a sarcastic manner to say that +
he was correct and I should indeed have been more considerate and will try to be in future events. Then added a meme.
He didn't write anything back (I didn't expect him to) and a few hours later I was deleted. (I had been online in between and the moment he had read my messages and the moment he had removed my account we're hours apart).
To say I am in love with him would be an overstatement. I try to be realistic and seeing as he has a family, is in a later stage in life and has other responsibilities than I do, it would be rather difficult if I was in love with him.
That doesn't take away that I do feel a kind of love for him. As in, I hope he is doing alright and wish him all the best, I wouldn't want to purposely or accidentally hurt his feelings and generally, genuinely care for him. I would definitely be upset if anything happened to him because I value him as a person and would hate to not have him as a friend.
However, we've flirted at times and I do sense that I get excited whenever he's around, especially when he comes up to me to talk; touched my shoulder/collarbone/hand; or when he drives off and makes sure to wave goodbye before actually leaving (something that's become a habit for us).
I don't want to be the person to go after someone who's in a relationship and I don't want to get my hopes up thinking he would be interested in me. I've seen people cheat and be cheated on and it's a sad occurrence I wouldn't wish upon anyone, so I wouldn't want anyone to cheat for/with me either.
But we have had quite the interactions that did make me question how he genuinely feels. The fact that he deleted me within a few days of adding me, however, makes me feel like he actually dislikes me more than anything and doesn't want anything to do with me.
Maybe he deleted you , because his girlfriend doesn’t like the friendship he has with you , she might be the jealous insecure type that thinks you like him more Than just a friend , this sort of thing happens in a lot of relationships, so if I was you , I would just ask him why he deleted you? If he is your friend he will more than likely tell you the truth as to why
You’re usually really close… he has a girlfriend… big no. Inappropriate. First red flag. You are definitely not a girls girl. His girlfriend is his best friend and who he is really close to, not you. If him or his girlfriend felt any need of cutting you off for reasons of you fucking up, you being to close with him (could’ve been one sided and you didn’t see it for what it was) then so be it. Go find new friends. Next
Could be his girlfriend told him to delete you. Or whatever the incident was, he didn't like it and maybe even though you apologized he didn't forgive you.
Women are not keen on guys having friends that are girls! Lol Once they know of this, I wouldn't be surprised if she not he blocked you. Sorry to say that but it's a huge reality.
He was probably upset about the incident, but it would help if I knew exactly what the incident was and what the joke was
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Because we are often sarcastic towards one another, I was telling our trainer he was doing the exercises wrong, multiple times. He usually laughs about such things. It had been three weeks since I had seen him and this time I sensed something was going on, as he got more serious. Didn't laugh at my remarks and at some point only said "what are you going on about?" I assumed I had hurt his feelings one way or another, hence I reached out to apologise in case I did actually say something that hurt his feelings.
He replied with a message that stated I should have known better and that I should be more considerate, but accepted the apology. However, he used a particular sentence that he usually says to mock me, which is why I thought his reply in general was more of a sarcastic reply and he didn't actually really care about what I had said to him. In return, I messaged in a sarcastic manner to say that he was correct and I should have taken his feelings into account. Be more considerate and learn when to stay quiet. He didn't reply, I didn't expect him to, and that was all. I thought we were fine.
Until hours later, when I noticed he had unfriended me.
Our interactions have a weird dynamic I cannot pinpoint and sometimes he says things I cannot really decide whether they are honest or sarcastic.
So it might be relevant to add that three weeks prior - which was the last time I had seen him - he joked about loving me.
However, he has a girlfriend, and I didn't know how to react so I told him "I can see that," to which he replied "but I do love you".
Since our way of communicating is often rather sarcastic, it was hard for me to decipher how serious I should take the remark and since I didn't know how to reply I said "i can see that in the way you look at me".
We continued our usual banter after that and didn't talk about any of it afterwards, but it had been on my mind.
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