I have a big question preferably for older guys?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend (18) of three years broke up with me bc he said his mental health is just shit right now. He wants no contact. Says he really loves me but he needs to be able to grow without having to be anything I need him to be. Anyways. I so desperately wanna help him. But I can’t.
And I found out today. That he spends all day everyday at the gym?
He works there from 445-1am. Then he swims til like 4. Then he lifts weights til 9pm.
Is that normal? Is that a normal way for men to help their mental health? And if it is, and if he comes back to me when he’s ready, is he gonna be this guy who just doesn’t show emotion anymore yk? I don't know if that’s insensitive. But is he gonna come back as this shell of what he used to be bc instead of working through things mentally he instead silenced them with overworking his body?

Updates

2 mo

(18)

[Oliverlogan263]

Sounds like a tough situation man. Breakups are never easy, especially after being together that long.

As for the gym thing, that could definitely be his way of coping with mental health issues right now. Sometimes pushing your body really hard can help drown out negative thoughts and feelings for a while. But doing it to that extreme level all the time likely isn't healthy long-term.

It's possible he's using it more as a distraction or avoidance technique instead of actually dealing with whatever's really bothering him. And isolating himself from friends/family probably isn't helping his mental state improve either.

If/when he comes back around, it's hard to say exactly what he'll be like emotionally since everybody processes things differently. He may be more closed off at first since he's been alone for so long. Or maybe working out that much gave him an outlet and he'll feel better.

My advice would be to give him space for now like he asked, but let him know you're there for support if he wants to talk when he's ready. And if you do get back together, take things slow and make sure he's addressing any underlying issues instead of just suppressing them again. Communication will be important.

The gym isn't necessarily an unhealthy coping mechanism, but it sounds like in his case it might be avoidance more than actual healing. I'd worry he could lose himself if that's his only way of dealing with emotions day-to-day. But with time and effort, there's hope he can work through it and regain balance. Just focus on you for now - hope this provides some perspective!

[Dr_CEI]

The issue that men have is that they don't share anything deep and personal with each other in the way that girls do! So him throwing himself into his gym or training work sounds perfectly normal to me. You should try and get him to open up though it won't be easy

[Asker]

He wants to contact though. I don’t wanna drive him away from me by pushing him. I don’t know what to do.

[Dr_CEI]

Well that's encouraging that he wants contact, honestly we really need to get things off our chests but find it so difficult. Tell him you're are safe space and that whatever he has to say you won't judge him for

[Asker]

Sorry. I meant. He wants no contact.

[Asker]

We talked a few days ago about everything :/ said he wants no contact bc he needs to grow without the influence of what I need from him. And he loves me so much. But he can’t be with me right now. I just don’t want him to be struggling alone. His family doesn’t care about him :/

[Dr_CEI]

Oh sorry, well that's a different issue entirely and so typical of men. We'd rather hide away than face our fears. All you can do is try and be there for him and offer that safe space

[Dr_CEI]

I've heard this shit from friends so many times. These days I just come out and say what I'm thinking and try and make them talk. I've seen too many guys take their own lives to do anything differently. It's so sad that we can't open up like you girls do

[Asker]

That wasn’t reassuring in anyway 😂 I’ll try to let him know he can come to me :/ I just hope he doesn’t destroy himself in mean time.

[Dr_CEI]

All you can do is offer to be there for him. You can try to force the issue but you may drive him away

[Huntingnfishin]

Sounds like he wants time to focus on himself and be the person he wants to be? As for what he becomes that's up to him. Waiting for him or moving on is totally up to you. But my opinion is move on. His idea of being healthy mentally is without you

[Asker]

It’s not just me he shut out tho. He shut out everyone. He had a crappy childhood and his parents are crappy. I think he just feels lost :/ but I don't know how to help. I know I can’t anyways bc he doesn’t want me to. But I don’t wanna just move on bc I can’t see myself loving anyone as much as I love him.

[Huntingnfishin]

Personally I say good for him. Like nothing straightens your mind out like sweating and focusing on something you can fix/build yourself. I'd give him space and worry about you in the mean time. Do something that makes you happy without him?

[AngryCarl]

That's far from normal. He's clearly suffering with insecurities caused by unresolved childhood trauma. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do for him since he's decided to distance himself from you. If he's been with you for three years and now he's not, that's his decision. Probably he saw another woman he wants to date but he has to get in shape for her because she's a supermodel type.

[Anonymous]

Seems normal, he'll lose his emotions and that will make him stronger

I realised having emotions was hurting me at work so I trained them out of myself (only one that you can't remove is pain)

[Asker]

That’s incredibly unhealthy. But thanks 👍🏻

[Opinion Owner]

That's what the liberals say but it's made me a professional

[exitseven]

It sounds like h is hiding out at the gym. He will not grow as a person.

[Iron_Man]

I’ve never heard of somebody working out that long it’s over training

[shortster]

That is not normal; it sounds like he has an exercise addiction.