Why did he accuse me of forcing a relationship after expressing my feelings?

[Candylassi]

Long story short, I had a great connection with this guy after meeting a couple of times. He did expressed that he had recently come out of a 10 year break up. However, he seems to have a lot of issues may be due to that situation.

Like a normal person and I wanted to tell him that I thought we had a strong connection. I didn’t think it was a big deal at all, but apparently it triggered him to freak out. There was a long cuddle session and deep conversation between us prior to that…

He did mention he wasn’t stable for a relationship atm, but again I never mention anything about our relationship. I only said that there was a connection between us, and that I would not hurt him…

So that was met with this crazy response from him “ Look please don't force anything because I don't want a relationship so please don't tell me these things about connections anymore... we can just be friends without forcing anything please”

WTF? I literally made one single comment, and he went off the deep end and falsely accuse me for forcing some thing which is absolutely not the case. I guess he’s so emotionally triggered that he just freaked out. So much for expressing myself. I guess he’s got deep seated issues because that’s the most insane reaction ever.

[Anonymous]

Hey, so, assuming he's not just playing you (which is a possible, but I'll leave that off table as it's less likely than what I'll say next).

So, years ago I fell in love with a girl who I felt was my soul mate. She would always say to me, I don't feel your my soul mate, but we are like "soul twins"; We didn't get together, at least not back then.

So, years later, I'm living on my own in another country. I meet this very pretty girl, whom I connect with very well and easily. We go on a night out with a group of work people and we naturally fall into holding hands and being close. It's easy and relaxed, and we've both had some drinks. She tells me "do you beleive in soul mates" looking deeply into my eyes, "I do!".

So, you probably know what comes next. I am thrown right back into that time I was deeply in love with that girl for her to say "soul twins" instead of what I needed to hear, and suddenly I'm irrationally mad. I feel the whole idea of "soul mates" is immature and soppy and not real (because I was still hurting all those years on) and I suddenly got very cold with the poor girl, and said "No I don't". She tried her best to resume our friendly cuddly position but I was a stone... after a time she got annoyed and even angry, and fair of her to do that, I'd become a jerk. I got over it, and regretted how I'd been, but she wanted nothing more to do with me (and was actually quite concerned about me, given my sudden turn of behaviour).

So, there you go, that's a thing. Maybe you just accidently said something, totally fairly, but unfortunately hit a nerve of his past bad relationship.

One thing though, I still love that girl... years on, so maybe.. maybe its a warning to you. Though, in fairness, if his relationship is ended in an unrecoverable way, like the death of his partner or her being happily married, or having children with another man, then it might just be you need to show him love and patience to get through this.

I wish I could rule out though him playing you. There are some men who just want to make women get to a position to sleep with them and don't care how they get there and are willing to abuse such matters for their self gratification (aka pychopaths). The problem is, there was no way to tell if I was a psycopath or just someone very hurt, especially as she knew nothing about the girl or why I was suddenly a different person.

Hope this helps instruct.

[Candylassi]

Appreciate the detailed reply! In this case, she was actually forthcoming about his past break up. I didn’t even ask about his history, and he openly shared it as an explanation to why he is so reserved… his relationship apparently ended because he “ couldn’t trust her anymore.”

[Candylassi]

I meant to say “he was forthcoming” ***

[Opinion Owner]

I guess if someone has had awful experience with someone who quietly cheated on them in a serious way they would be left with trust issues. So I suspose it depended on what head games he's had played on him, your best bet (assuming your ready to deal with someone whos like this) is just to be relaxed and maybe give him the "oh really?" owl eyes whenever he goes a bit nuts over something simple like you examples. That is rise above it, and if he calms down and realises your not this past girl in any way, all good and if he doesn't maybe extract yourself from someone whos either never going to change, isn't ready to change, or is using his past as an excuse for poor behaviour.

Best of luck :)

[TommyMountainFigure]

He mentioned he was unstable, and in no way ready for a relationship. he clearly thought you saying 'great connection' meant more than you meant it to mean.
I would advise you to put it down to a simple miscommunication, and if you're up to it? let it go!

[Candylassi]

True that! Unfortunately, he hasn’t been in touch for awhile because I confronted him on some lies he said to “push me away.” Hopefully this will be reconciled soon.

[TommyMountainFigure]

That's a shame. my first advice for people is nearly always something like, think of the consequences before you act or say something, because thinking it is one thing but saying or doing? It's never easy to come back from. I'm taking from that last statement up there.. you can't stand lies because it leaves you never being able to trust?

[Candylassi]

I do agree to an extent, but a person should not feel like they can express themselves. In this case, there was no way of knowing for sure the type of reaction, but definitely didn’t expect it to go so poorly. It just makes the person not even want to be the first to initiate any emotional expression. I always felt like a person should know how you feel but now after this experience has gone so negatively, I don’t think I’m going to be the first one to ever say anything again…

[Candylassi]

“ like they can’t express themselves” ** People should be allowed to be vulnerable but in this instance, it just makes the person want to shut down even more. As in my case, being on the receiving end of all this nonsense.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Being vulnerable only works with someone you can trust. Otherwise it is possible they will use that vulnerability against you! I'm really sorry the way things turned out.

[Candylassi]

That’s a one in a million case! Ha. Guess I’m just a risk taker! thanks for your input!

[TommyMountainFigure]

You're welcome, and I hope you have better luck in future!

[Somoneelse]

I have a feeling he got out of a (very) toxic/abusive relationship and you mentioning "connection" made him panicking in his mind. Which might explain the reaction as he is scared to get into another one?

[Candylassi]

Seems to be the case! It was definitely exaggerated in his mind and I didn’t even mention the word “relationship.”🙄

[Billlewis]

Yes, ma'am, it sounds like he's going to need some time to convalesce from his previous relationship.

[strateguy632]

sounds like more to the story, but he rejected you, not want, so find someone else.

[Staximus]

Nevermind that mental case bitch boy