Why don't men ask me out?

[Anonymous]

I'm 21 and I've never had a boyfriend. It seems like I get unwanted attention from men. It's irritating. Some of them just wanted me for sex but I told them no. I asked my brother and he said men aren't serious.

[MrOracle]

To a large degree (which means occasional exceptions exist), the only men asking girls out are the men who KNOW they're likely to get a "yes", plus a few delusional ones who THINK they'll get a yes even though they almost certainly won't. In other words, it's the guys who are in the top 10% - the most popular, most handsome, highest-status, etc. And the ironic thing with those guys is that because they're so popular, they aren't interested in relationships and commitments that come with limitations and responsibilities - they're only asking girls out to get sex. And because they have all the leverage, those guys are GETTING that sex, and they're NOT getting into relationships.

The other 90% of guys have largely checked out - they're not even bothering to try at this point, because whenever they do, they are rejected out-of-hand for not being in the top 10%. Yes, there may be guys right near the top of this group - the guys at the 89-90% level - who ask out girls and sometimes get a positive response, but they're the exception. MOST guys feel completely invisible because THEY ARE - women treat them like furniture and would never even consider them, because they're all chasing the top 10% guys - guys who will NEVER commit to them.

It's not that most of them wouldn't want a girlfriend - it's that they're tired of being rudely humiliated for even having the nerve to ask a girl - OR - they get girls who just use them for free food, free entertainment, free labor, or free "loans" that they have no intention of repaying. That's all surprisingly common too.

The other half of the equation is: men aren't going to approach women for a relationship if those women aren't - in the eyes of men - "relationship material." And a whole lot of them today are NOT the kind of women that men would give a relationship commitment to. I know nothing about you, so don't take this personally, but if you take away one thing, it's this: whatever YOU think is important to a man is probably wrong - men want very different things from women to be in a relationship then what women want from men. When most women are asked what men want in women, their answers are cringe-worthy in their complete lack of correctness.

You have to know what Relationship Men (the men who are actually INTERESTED in a a relationship ALREADY - the opinions of the men who aren't looking for a relationship are irrelevant, because you can't change what they want) want in a woman, and then you have to BE that kind of woman. Men evaluate women VERY quickly, so if you aren't "relationship material" on the day you meet that man, then in his eyes, you are out.

[sawno]

You see that here to, "I have a fantastic career why don't men date me?" is decently common. Assuming that someone who makes enough to sustain a family but needs someone to look after the family is attracted to a career. Meanwhile the girl would expect the man to earn more than her despite now being at an equal playing field. That whole attitude doesn't work on mass, but luckily for the men there are also plenty of girls who would much rather be a caretaker rather than an office worker.

[Juxtapose]

Yeah it is frustrating how women just don't get that the men that are approaching them are typically the top 10% and they're going to be by far the more bold and less accommodating bunch.

[sawno]

@Juxtapose The bigger issue is that of their league men can want them merely for sex and will come across very confident as a result because nobody gives a shit if you know you can get another girl in bed anyway. The somewhat nervous guy who is as pretty as she is who genuinely really likes her she may ignore or reject if she's used to a prettier more confident guy. And then all guys seem like assholes that only want you for sex which she then doubles down on to the little awkward guy since he is probably a creep anyway (But actually the opposite and really caring).

[Juxtapose]

@sawno Women claim to be social geniuses but it seems like us guys have the situation figured out while women are still stumbling around. Probably because as guys we have had to sit down and look at this because of how fucked we are getting.

[sawno]

@Juxtapose I don't think that's giving the girls enough credit. I think the majority of them has this figured out and goes for a guy of substance. The problem for those girls is that the bad ones chased all the good guys away by being so disrespectful and the whole me too stuff makes guys afraid to approach. I don't get the idea that any girl would enjoy a random approach, so I don't. But simultaneously I am not in an environment where I can meet any in real life. Would be way better if our politics and hobbies were not so divided between the sexes. There's a lot of girls who fit me greatly, but I never meet them in my own country. Its always someone from the US or UK.

[MrOracle]

@sawno "I don't think that's giving the girls enough credit. I think the majority of them has this figured out and goes for a guy of substance"

No, they don't - unless you equate money with substance. To me, substance is good morals and values - and women are NOT chasing men with good morals and values - they're chasing men who are super handsome and/or super financially successful. I. e, the top 5-10% of men. And those men don't need good morals and values because women DON'T CARE what their morals and values are if they are handsome and/or very successful. And that's why women always get played and used - they only chase players and users, because they're outwardly attractive. That's SHALLOW, it's not SUBSTANCE. Most women don't give a crap about substance until they're in a relationship with a Chad, and then she wants to change Chad to make him have substance - but you'll never change Chad, or any man. But women can't give up the Chad, no matter how much they say they want substance.

[Asker]

How do you know what women want? Women are not monoliths. Generalizations won't get you anywhere.

[MrOracle]

No generalization has ever applied to everyone in a population. If they did, we would simply call it absolute fact. A generalization means it applies to the majority, but that of course there will be some exceptions.

90% of the conversations on this website use generalizations, because it's impossible not to unless you interview 8 billion individual people, and if THAT was the requirement for having a discussion, this site might as well shut down now.

Like almost everyone else here, I make generalizations all the time here. But I've talked with thousands of people about their wants and problems over the last 40 years, in real life and online. I'm going on 14 years here. I know how this works. You might also note that I have a very high follower count and a very high MHO percentage. Those didn't just happen for no reason.

[Berethor]

You virgin? there is men who value that, being anonymous don't helps, you can wait until marriage if you are so worried about being used, at least you not ugly if they want sex.

https://allthetropes.org/wiki/Nature_Adores_a_Virgin

[Asker]

I'm not worried about sex. I don't waste my time with men who aren't serious.

[Asker]

That's a very outdated trope. That was very unnecessary of you to mention any of that.

[Berethor]

Traditional men still want to marry a virgin, they don't care about being progressive.

[Wolfsreign]

Some men are serious. But it also depends on what vibes you're giving off too. How and where you meet. What you're wearing. Among a few other things really.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they are trying to ask you out but you find it "irritating" and reject them.

[Asker]

No, you're missing the point. They ask me for sex and waste my time. I'm talking about real, actual dates.

[ProbablyClueless]

It's mostly because the kind of men who think it's worth the effort to approach these days will approach everyone. They aren't the type who would approach because the woman was someone particularly special.

Also, you might not give off the vibe of someone who even wants to be approached.

[Asker]

Maybe so? That sounds like a partial generalization.

[ProbablyClueless]

All I can do is offer my observations and thoughts!

[thearchjoker]

"It seems like I get unwanted attention from men." that's why. If you don't want men's attention they won't give you for good or bad and thus none will date you unless you make the first move or change your ways.

[Asker]

Um okay? I'm literally doing nothing but minding my own business.

[sawno]

5 Reasons You Do Not Have A Boyfriend Yet! (From A Geek's Perspective)

[DextroShade]

You just contradicted yourself. You have been asked out many times already but you are holding out for guys who are out of your league.

[Asker]

I meant being asked for a real date. Hooking up and dating are two different things.

[Asker]

You also don't know me so don't jump to conclusions.

[ChicoFromThe305]

There's a lot of sleeping around nowadays so many people go around looking for just that, just keep searching at some point you'll find someone.

[Juxtapose]

Because most men are checked out and stopped playing bullshit games which have no reward.

[Asker]

No they still play games lol.

[Juxtapose]

At your age? Perhaps. At my age? No. Not unless you have the worst taste in the world.

[jahaims]

You don't know how to find quality men and you don't attract them

[Asker]

But you don't know that?

[jahaims]

No shit. It's a guess based on 3 sentences of information.

[Iron_Man]

It depends how you carry yourself and how do you look?

[Asker]

I try to dress nice. It depends on the day.

[ICanSmellTheCosmos]

Why don't you ask out any men?

[Asker]

No idea how. Plus they are on their phones. Men aren't used to that.

[ICanSmellTheCosmos]

You'll have to learn just like men do. You'd be surprised by how much more approachable we are than women.

Unwanted attention is just part of life that comes along with desirable noticing. If you want something, then you need to actively try and get it. Don't wait for someone to just fall into your lap.

[Asker]

Hmmm okay then.

[Anonymous]

You give them no reason to.

[Asker]

How?

[Hotboy_booblover]

Fear of rejection I guess

[Asker]

Possibly? I'm not sure.

[Walksbehindtherows]

Nevermind

[Asker]

What?