Why do some people act possessive in relationships? When I asked my boyfriend why he’s been showing mixed behavior, he said it’s 'overthinking mixed with possessive obsession of longing for my presence.' What does that even mean? Is it normal behavior, or should I be concerned?
Long distance relationships effectively show the test of mental vigilance. The ‘ups and downs’ our minds go through/ experience. It really highlights the patterns of human mental behavior.
Simply said: Everyone can’t be 100% great each day of the year, so being far apart naturally will show the doubts of a person (over time/ through a period/ longer course of time) sooner or later.
Meaning for you, and those who try LDR- both will need to have some self confidence for if the relationship doesn’t work out (preparedness for the “worst”), and a real trust in each other.
It’s foundational and can be described like the idea of building blocks, so in order to build trust from a distance, you both will need to reassure each other whenever the other feels some sort of doubt.
This is all that it means.
What’s more important is that you both have to feel a sense of bonding/closeness when you spend time together (virtually), or chatting, and feel like you both are on the same page, in terms of a general plan, for both to work on self and then consider meeting, or meeting.
Without legitimately being able to benefit from these crucial things (I’ll list in a minute; the things that in-person relationships/couples are lucky to have): time in close proximity, have physical contact, and doing things in person, it can be difficult to asses the other’s feelings for the worried partner.
- if someone has been cheated on before or had bad experiences / not many experiences dating (in person), then these kinds of LDR partners will be prone to have more doubts about the success rate of the relationship, and difficulty trusting the relationship will bloom/grow.
Communication will be the most reassuring. It will be one of the most helpful tools/ resources to make use of. And the only way for this to truly comfort the concerned partner, is by ensuring honesty always be consistently available/present. No weird jokes or teasing about flirting with others. Randomly disappearing and then showing up again. Avoiding such behaviors will lower feelings of doubtfulness/ lack of trust. You both *equally* have to communicate so that each will not develop negative patterns of thinking (doubts / worry), and instead, build trust and CONFIDENCE, not really in self, but in the relationship***
the relationship you both have.
All in all, it’s natural for any partner (this means both in a LDR couple), who is attempting long distance dating, to have feelings of doubt and if they’re being good enough for the other, being interesting, having chances of meeting, etc.
It can be harder for some guys as well, if they feel they cannot please the girl they’re dating or be there to ensure other guys don’t try to flirt with her. Etc.
It truly is a test for both. They can only pass it with honesty, communication, trust, and actually enjoying time together. This includes knowing what things should look like when they’re not actively together online, and if they will soon meet or at least do their activities until they meet online again.
I hope this makes sense. I’ve done long distance before and sort of at the final stages before meeting, and this is what we both endured together. Communication really helped us and being able to just take that leap of trust at times in each other helped us not to worry. The communication also helped us not to make great leaps, but small doable steps because of this honest exchange.
Relationships are give and take. Long distance relationships give and take in other ways more so than the traditional ways we see others doing things and what we’re normally used to. It’s majority of the time talking** to each other and some then some doing. Since talking is what’s mostly done and the contact is limited the talking cannot just be taken for granted. It’s foundational. It will either make or break the relationship. It will either break or SAVE the relationship.
Best wishes!
I’m not trying to make this seem like work for you either. I’m just trying to highlight the importance of honesty, and communication. He said he is overthinking and I read that as he is doubting and worried. I don’t know if he is honest or sees something serious with you and vice versa but I take it as if you both are considering long term stuff and being real with each other. You know, 100%. And if that’s the case then you both will genuinely experience what I described in my opinion ^^
If not throughout, at some point in the time you’re both dating long distance. Ideally as well, with the inclusion of honesty and communication, the worry will naturally decrease more and more. Trust will replace the distrust.
Any relationship can't be just “honest talk” either. This is what enhances a relationship where the two have chemistry/bond. You know, get along. If you’re already getting along or have been but started to struggle with overthinking and doubts. Honest communication will be a great addition and should be a constant ingredient into the mix. It will help bring about better results in the long run.
Not only did I share this with you to better understand or try and get an idea what was possibly happening on his end, but to reassure you, so if you ever experience doubt and worry if he has genuine feelings for you as well as good intentions, you can ask him to communicate more to you and give you the reassurance you need to keep trying and moving things along.
At some point both partners will need this. We aren’t 100% positive and certain of things as this stuff progresses.
And what I’m saying may seem simple and bland. Or easy to just overlook but it makes a BIG impact. And any long distance couple who wants to take it serious can benefit from this and should be informed that doubting will be a common thing that could be expected.
It’s like being in team games (for couples) and one couple is working together on a project side by side, while the other is some feet meters away and has to shout at each other from that distance, while having a small wall/ divider, so neither can really see what the other is doing on their end.
The communication they practice will assist them to make it to the finish. They don’t have the benefits of being side by side (it’s not in their favor) as with other forms of dating.
BUT long distance also has its benefits. Those who make it through such experiences have also some better chances of staying together long term. Because they built their relationship upon trust and communication. This will help in any issues they encounter onwards.
Practice*
We don’t get it 100% every time.
🥂
Thnk u so much for your thoughtful response, I really appreciate your perspective. You’ve made some really good points about long-distance relationships. However, sometimes I feel like he isn’t as available for deeper conversations. He tends to change the topic or says he’s busy when I try to talk about important things. I know communication is key, but I’m not sure how to navigate that when he isn’t always open to it. I’m trying to figure out if it’s just a phase or if he’s genuinely not as invested...
He’s not reciprocating basic communication with you then he’s not reciprocating to you. That’s also important. How can you both do better and make things work/move on if you have a concern/need that should be addressed but he’s doesn’t care to do that?
He’s asks you to stay and says sorry but doesn’t seem effectively interested in treating you well/making YOU happy and not losing you. Just begging you don’t go- for his sake.
Do take time to consider it and I apologize for that. Seems very unfortunate. But luckily you seem really wise so I’m sure you will make the best decision for your case.
And I’ll say again communication helps but it’s not what makes love take place. If there is no love there to begin with. No mutual respect and feelings, then is there a substance worth saving?
Love/interest is worth saving. Communication helps that. But if he doesn’t care for you or love you then it’s not worth any sweat from your brow, or making it work at your expense only. Both should be happy.
I only wish you find your happiness in all the forms it can be found and enjoyed by you in this lifetime sis. 🥂
Again, apologies for his poor behavior.
I really appreciate your words and the way you’re making me think about this from a different perspective. But the truth is, I love him deeply. He’s my first, and my feelings for him aren’t something I can just switch off. That’s why it’s so hard for me to let go, even when I see the red flags.
I know love isn’t just about words or apologies—it’s about action. And I know that if someone truly values you, they’ll show it, not just say it. That’s the part that hurts the most… because I don’t want to believe that someone I love this much doesn’t truly love me back in the same way.
Maybe I’m holding onto what we used to be, or maybe I’m hoping he’ll become the version of himself that I fell for again. I don’t know. But I just know that my heart isn’t ready to give up on him yet. 🤍
I see what you mean. I feel like when I really loved in my first relationships and it failed on me it hurt to the point I didn’t see what I could do next. I didn’t know how to go on and I almost lost my self respect by just kind of spiraling out of my self control/ self composure.
After reading what you said I would remind you not only are you young but overall there is just no rush. You don’t have to make a definitive decision today. Be fair on yourself.
If you love him you can try asking him directly what he plans to do to help you feel better when he does x, y, z and that causes you to feel worse about things.
I would also kindly suggest while you weigh things out. The costs for YOU in or out of the relationship, that you LOVE yourself. YOU matter. You’re responsible before any committed relationship, to take care of your heart, and mind. To care for your emotions. You have to be logical and do what’s best for you so your inner self doesn’t blindly get hurt.
A way to achieve this better is to prepare for the best outcome and the worst outcome. Have a game plan for yourself so if you link up with him, you both are ready and happy, and if you choose to remain and stand by yourself while he becomes this bystander to you, that you know your next steps, and feel a sense of sureness, instead of a sense of abandonment or lost.
In previous relationships I was in and believed to be real, as I wandered in the weighing options, I made sure to tell myself. If it doesn’t work out with him, I want to find someone who had his good qualities and BETTER. The guy I find will go further than the guy I missed things with. So if my ex lacked affection for me but was super smart in a specific way. I said I have that as my next goal. Find someone similarly smart but with the ADDED affection for me. That way I wouldn’t settle, and I wouldn’t say “no one will be better than him, or replace him or good AS HIM.” If you’re hurting and he doesn’t care, nor care to fix, you will have a plan and a standard for yourself to find a person with the general qualities you get along with and also offer the things you feel you would need to thrive in the relationship.
Thank you so much for this. I really needed to hear it. You’re right—I do need to take care of my heart and mind first. It’s just hard when you love someone so deeply, and the thought of losing them feels unbearable. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose myself either.
I love the way you put it—focusing on what I truly need, whether it’s with him or in the future. I guess I just need to step back and see if he’s truly willing to meet me halfway. If not… then maybe I need to start thinking about what’s best for me in the long run. 🤍
So overall. Try to work with him and see if he will make efforts (you can give him your ultimatum that if he doesn’t try, you see no reason to stay with someone who doesn’t try or seem to care for you while you have tried and made efforts).
You can ask him what he has tried before or has he been trying- to assess if he believes he is and it has been overlooked.
And on the side/ or internally you have your plan and standard for yourself. So in best case scenario you move forward and WORST case scenario? YOU MOVE FORWARD.
You deserve to move forward in any season and any situation. Whether any person abandons us we must never abandon ourselves. It only matters if we do or not.
What we focus on is what we gravitate to as well. So if you focus on him after a possible split up, you should readjust the focus on your goals so you move forward and gravitate towards that instead of directionless or reverting backwards.
(Also I typed more but I will end it here, so I don’t overwhelm and I believe you have everything you need to make the best decision). 😆😄
I believe you will truly succeed. If you ever want my further perspective on the situation I’d be happy to offer it. For now, my trust is entirely with you. And my desire is that you both continue this journey :]
🙏 much love from my place in the world, to yours 🗺️ ❤️✨❤️✨
Honestly, I really appreciate everything you said. It gave me a lot to think about. I do want to try and see if he’s willing to make real efforts, not just say sorry and promise to change. I need to know if he truly values me the way I value him.
And you’re right—I need to have my own plan, no matter what happens. Because no matter how much I love him, I can’t keep feeling like I’m the only one fighting for this. If he wants this, he has to show it, not just say it.
Thank you so much for your support and perspective. It really means a lot. Much love back to you 🤍
@unknowngurll1212 yes! And sorry our messages sent in different times. I just want you to succeed no matter what. Him too and ofc without hurting each other.
Thank you for not misinterpreting or taking it with offense. You have a healthy perspective as well. For 18 I wouldn’t mind that perspective when I was 18. It’s healthy and self sufficient. I know you’ll make good decisions in your future. I just have a gut feeling. I just offer my support for now and let you run your race 🏃🏻♀️. Finish your journey ⛰️
You got this sis! 💪 💯
That really means a lot to me... Thank you for your support and for taking the time to share your perspective. It genuinely helped me see things more clearly. I’ll do my best to make the right decisions for myself, no matter what. And I appreciate you believing in me! 🤍 Sending lots of love your way too sisso 🤍🤍🤍
@unknowngurll1212 its normal in long distance relationship
Well I shouldn't answer your question this way but I'm going to.
First of all I think in your conversation with him he was asking or wanting some thing more
And then you question him about it and that why he answered you the way he did
And Basically we were showing you two different sides of him angry because of the place he wanted to take the conversation
But at the same times tell you the things you want to hear because he still wants what he wants he knows being mad is not going to get him anywhere
Most guys are like this. Every 10 seconds of every kin lol
Can you please give some more details?
-What do you mean by possessive?
-What do you mean by him showing 'mixed behavior'?
(or feel free to DM me if you'd prefer)
Sure, I can explain! So, I’m in a long-distance relationship with Shahzad. For the first 6 to 7 months, everything was great—we were really close and things felt balanced. But then, he started acting a bit weird. It felt like I was the one putting all the effort into the relationship, and he was just enjoying the attention. Recently, I decided to give him some space for about 10 days, not messaging or responding to his calls, and when I checked back, I saw 63 missed calls and a lot of messages. I replied asking him why he seemed distant, and he said it’s because of 'overthinking mixed with possessive obsession of longing for my presence.' Honestly, I didn’t fully understand what he meant, so I asked again, but I’m unsure if this behavior is normal or if I should be concerned...
Well, I don't have a clue what he said either. I have no idea what it means. It sounds... weird.
So, in the future, you need to talk to your boyfriend if you feel he's being distant, or is acting like a jack-ass (or whatever it is); you need to talk to him.
Deciding by yourself that he needs space is a horrible idea. Always. (I hope I got this wrong about the situation).
Not telling him for TEN DAYS is... cruel. It's not only not helpful, it's not fair. If you tell him, that's completely different. This is not gonna be ok with anyone.
So, more to the point: should you be concerned? I'm still not sure and need some more info.
1. Is it his use of the word "possessive obsession" that leads you to worry?
It makes sense that he would be freaking-out, (like freeeeeaking out) the whole 10 days. That's what anyone would do. Freak out.
So, we have 6 calls per day over the 10 days. That is for sure a lot. But... you did actually put him through some serious turmoil. It's not crazy BY ITSELF. But it's a little iffy for sure.
2. The most important part: What did he say in his messages! That's super-key.
So he said some weird shit there. But I don't know this guy. Does he usually speak in poems? or what?
3. Is it weird FOR HIM to say something weird and... cryptic?
4. What did he say when you asked him to clarify?
I'm concerned because you're concerned.
If you were to elaborate on your concern (what exactly are you concerned about. Possessiveness? Obsession? His general mental health because he usually speaks normally?)
wait wait i will xplain so.. he was my senior in school, and we eventually started a long-distance relationship after he confessed his feelings for me. In the beginning, everything was really good; we had a lot of fun, and I felt like we were on the same page. However, after about 6-7 months, I started noticing a shift in his behavior. I felt like I was the one putting in all the effort, while it seemed like he was just enjoying the attention. He’d go silent for hours without much explanation and would only talk when he was in the right mood. He’d send affectionate GIFs but rarely engage in deeper conversations.
This confused me a lot because I thought we were in a good place, and suddenly, I felt distant from him. When I confronted him about the mixed signals and why he wasn’t communicating more, he explained that it was due to his overthinking and possessiveness, calling it 'overthinking mixed with possessive obsession of longing for your presence.' To be honest, I didn’t really understand what that meant, and it left me questioning his feelings for me. It’s been hard because I’m still trying to understand his behavior, and it’s made me wonder if he truly cares, or if I’m just the one keeping the relationship alive... this is the situatn
to b honest , I ended up keeping some distance from him for a while. I know it might have been the wrong approach, but I was really confused about his feelings. I wasn’t sure if he actually cared about me or if I was just a temporary distraction for him. His mixed signals left me unsure, and I just needed some time to process everything. I didn’t know what to think, so I kept my distance, hoping it would help me understand his intentions better. I’m still trying to figure out if this is something real or if he’s just passing the time..
Ok then. I can't tell you whether or not he truly cares, but no this isn't normal at all.
If you're going to have a long-distance relationship, then this:
"He’d go silent for hours without much explanation and would only talk when he was in the right mood. He’d send affectionate GIFs but rarely engage in deeper conversations."
Is not usual.
The shift in his behavior does sound like someone not putting in effort he used to put in, to a noticeable degree. That is often what happens when it's time to let a relationship come to an end.
You shouldn't feel like you're the only one who is keeping the relationship alive. That's not acceptable.
What keeps this from being a fairly normal case of one person drifting apart is this "posessive" "obsession" stuff. Neither of those things suggest someone who is losing interest. It's the opposite. Its incongruent with his actions. Completely.
I am good at understanding behavior. This is off. I don't know why exactly. I could be reading too much into those words.
I think though, that the way you're feeling like you're the only one putting in effort is most important here. Whatever confusing stuff he said, still, you're the only one putting in effort.
I think it might be time to think about letting him go.
(this whole thing still sits weird with me. I'm less confident in this answer than I usually am)
I'm saying that because this guy
After our 10-day break, I checked our messages and saw over 60 missed calls and a lot of texts from him saying things like 'I miss you, please don't keep your distance, it hurts, I feel like you’ve lost interest in me.' I’m honestly so confused right now because his words contradict his actions. Sometimes I feel like he really loves me, but other times it feels like he doesn’t. His mixed signals are really leaving me uncertain about what’s real and what’s not.. Whenever I point out his mistakes, he usually responds with a lot of 'I’m sorryyyyyyy' and tells me how he wants to care and love me the way I do for him. He says he’s trying to get better each time and always thanks me for making him understand. While his apologies seem sincere, the pattern keeps repeating, and it leaves me wondering if things will truly change..
Sorry I didn't see this reply about the distance when I wrote the other reply. It doesn't change it (the other reply though).
I wasn't trying to give you shit because of this happening. It's for the future.
It was the wrong approach, but now you know that. It's just talking more.
I can certainly explain why exactly it's a bad idea and not fair and blah blah blah (gladly if you want)... But it's not the main point in what you're trying to figure out with him.
As long as you know that it's wrong (morally), unfair, and will for sure mess up your relationship.
(because... while you're figuring things out... the other person is extremely hurt, confused and justifiably angry)
"After our 10-day break, I checked our messages and saw over 60 missed calls and a lot of texts from him saying things like 'I miss you, please don't keep your distance, it hurts, I feel like you’ve lost interest in me.' I’m honestly so confused right now because his words contradict his actions. "
You realize that disappearing for the 10 days... is a bit of a mixed signal you're sending yourself.
So the way to clear this up. If you're wanting to try and see if this is salvageable, is to talk.
You need to tell him, exactly how you feel.
You tell him what you're confused about when it comes to his mixed signals.
You ask him point-blank if he really wants to continue this.
Together you talk through the things you don't like. You ask him what he doesn't like about how things are between you two.
You talk about everything. Openly and honestly.
You ask all of the questions you have. You answer all his questions should he have any.
You come away from this conversation either broken up, because you know it's not going to work (after talking that through)
Or you come away with no questions unanswered. You know exactly where things stand, and are confident you're both on the same page moving forward.
Trust me, it works. I literally cannot possibly fail to work. 100% of the time.
People avoid the "open and honest talk." But it's the solution to most relationship situations. This one is a perfect example. Just talk to him.
I get what you’re saying, and honestly, I’ve had open and honest talks with him before. I’ve sent him long messages, explaining exactly how I feel, and when we talk on calls, I pour everything out in detail. He listens, he thanks me, and he apologizes, but nothing really changes.
And about mixed signals—I don’t think I gave him any. This was the first time I distanced myself, and it wasn’t to play games or confuse him. I was just emotionally drained. Overthinking everything, crying, feeling lost… My brain just said, ‘No, take a step back and see what happens.’ That’s all.
The truth is, he’s my first relationship, and I love him so deeply that the thought of losing him feels unbearable. I can’t even imagine it. That’s why this hurts so much. Because I want to believe in him. I want to believe in us. But I don’t know if I’m holding onto something real or just something I wish was real. 🤍
"He listens, he thanks me, and he apologizes, but nothing really changes."
I'm sorry, but this means it's over. It has to be once you get to this point. You did all you can do. You did try.
"The truth is, he’s my first relationship"
I got that sense, with the disappearing for 10 days thing.
I called it a mixed signal because it was. What do you think your disappearing looked like to him (to any boyfriend)? Walk though it.
(not rhetorical. Please do tell me what you think it looked like from his perspective. What would he think? How would he interpret your behavior? What conclusions would he draw?)
"and I love him so deeply that the thought of losing him feels unbearable"
So this is something everybody has to be willing to do. Walk away.
It's the only way you don't end up in an unhealthy relationship. What you wrote there, cannot be true in practice. If you aren't willing to lose someone when they aren't treating you properly, you are saying "I love them so much I'm willing to be mistreated to keep them."
I'm sure you can see the potential problem with any relationship on such footing. This is a critical lesson for relationships. It's the way you maintain your own self-worth. By not accepting any treatment that is less than what you deserve. Recognizing your own value (as a person) requires you to walk away from someone; even though you care about them deeply... if they aren't the partner you deserve (anymore).
I'm sorry. I honestly am. But this is clear. You need to break up with him. 100% for sure. Sorry.
I hear you, and I really appreciate your honesty. But when I went silent for 10 days, it wasn’t me playing games—it was me breaking down emotionally. I was drained from overthinking, from feeling like I was the only one putting in effort. I needed space to see if he would even notice, if I truly mattered to him.
And he did notice. He called, he messaged, he begged me to stay. But at the same time, I know words mean nothing if actions don’t match. That’s why I’m so confused.
I love him deeply, but I also know love alone isn’t enough. I don’t want to feel like I’m the only one fighting for this. I just need to figure out what’s truly best for me. and thanks a lot.. 🤍
You and I will talk about the 10 days thing some other time (if you even want to).
For now, focus on getting your head around ending this. That is the only conclusion that doesn't leave you devaluing yourself and (best case scenario) settling for this relationship where you're the only one making an effort, and you've talked but nothing changes.
There is only one conclusion that will square with your own sense of worth and dignity.
I'm sorry, take whatever time you need to get there if you need to. It is indeed extremely difficult.
Thanks for taking the time to write this. I really appreciate your perspective. I just need some time to process everything... 🤍
Of course! And there's nothing wrong with that. take whatever time you need. Good luck 🙂
Opinion
2Opinion
Sounds weird. Has he done this before? Is this really a LDR relationship. Have u even met him IRL? There is no reason for him to be possessive. How old is he?
ya we met.. and ya he is same old as urs
Long distance relationship is toughest relationship ever.
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