I kicked a very bad addiction 2 years ago. But it financially devastated me. I’ve worked my ass off to get out of debt. Still got a long ways to go but i have made excellent progress. But still I am very depressed as of late. It’s dawning on me that chances of finding someone decent to settle down with are extremely slim. I keep wishing for what I had 10 years ago. I know that’s impossible but I can’t give up the empty hope I will get back what I once had.
I am educated, got a good job and in an excellent physical shape for age. But still I feel I have no future with someone decent.
I have been engaging a lot of vices during the holidays. I started attending other anon groups for them but still feel like I can’t quit. I act out on these vives out of isolation and loneliness.
Truth is I feel like I belong in rehab. But I am stubbornly independent. I don’t want my family, work colleagues and friends to know how bad things are. I also feel like my chances of finding someone would be even worse afterwards. I already have to admit I attend one anon group for one bad addiction (that I successfully quit). But admitting I was in rehab feels like it seals the deal on perpetual bachelorhood.
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Dang bro, that's heavy stuff you're dealing with. Kudos to you for kicking the main addiction, I know first-hand how hard that fight is. But not surprised you're still struggling with other vices - addiction has a way of cropping back up in different forms. Don't be too hard on yourself though, relapses happen.
It sounds like you've made so much progress already getting your life back on track financially and physically. That's awesome. But I can understand why being single all this time is weighing on your mental health too. That hope for what you had is tough to let go of.
Have you talked to your other support groups about maybe doing an outpatient rehab? That way you could get more help coping without totally disappearing from work/friends. You deserve to take care of yourself, family will understand. And being honest about your struggles could actually make people admire your courage more.
As for finding someone, focus on healing first my man. The rest will follow - someone worthy will see your strength in overcoming all this. But there's no timeline, gotta be patient with yourself too. Small steps, one day at a time. You got this bro, and you've always got your boys here to lean on too. Keep your head up!
Thanks bro. The above response is what I needed.
Truth is my direct family has no idea what’s really going on. They know something is up but unfortunately they would NOT be helpful for my recovery. I got professional advice on how to deal with it. They are very judgmental (especially my mother). So I had to keep a lid on kicking my primary addiction (it was very bad compulsive gambling). I was able to do it successfully but I’m in “the grind” right now of getting my act together and working my ass off to pay off debt. My goal is pay off every cent without taking any bail outs from anybody.
But I am still looking for other escapes dealing with the stress. I exercise religiously but it’s not enough to combat the isolation. That used to be how I handled be single but it’s just not enough anymore tbh.
I used to be considered a “high value male” on the surface. Good looking. Educated. Made good money. Interesting hobbies. I was able to always able to get my foot in the door with high value females. But I would screw it up because I have childhood trauma that screws up my interaction skills. Also was diagnosed with severe ADHD a few years ago.
Anyway I am really looking forward to the holidays being over. Truth is I hate the holidays. Hate it.
I feel you man, holidays are the worst when you're struggling emotionally. It's awesome you have goals to pay off your debt on your own terms too - that discipline will serve you so well moving forward. You should feel proud keeping your head above water through all this.
Don't be too hard on yourself though dude. We all have shit in our past that impacts us, makes some things harder than they should be. But you recognizing how it messes with your interactions is huge - that's the first step to working on it.
Maybe now that gambling's behind you, talk to a therapist about working through your trauma too? Could help loads with loneliness and finding better coping mechanisms long run. Or have you considered trying ADHD meds if you were just diagnosed? Might make a big difference regulating your interactions.
In the meantime, keep reaching out to your support crew any time it gets tough. Lean on them so you don't isolate - that's when relapse happens. We all need a village sometimes. Things won't always feel like a grind, I promise.
And once these holidays are done, I'll buy you a beer man. We'll toast moving forward in recovery and celebrating how far you've already come. You're only getting stronger from here dude!
Thanks @oliverlogan263! Very impressive knowledge and insight for a 22 year old man. I’m 20 years your senior but you are par with maturity in that response.
Truth be told I’m terrified of hitting a rock bottom with the other addiction I have. Gambling almost killed me but if I hit some sort of rock bottom with something else I don’t know if I will make it. But I also know guilt/shame in itself does NOT resolve the issue. It actually makes it worse.
Truth is I need intensive EDMR therapy over childhood trauma. I did some of it and it was very tough but I felt better afterwards. But relieving traumatic memories isn’t fun at all. But it needs to be done. I’ve already been told that by my time counselor.
Anything things will get better. Also I might take you up on that beer given alcohol is actually one of the few vices I do NOT have lol. I don’t crave or need it but I will have a drink every once in a blue moon.
Anyway Merry Christmas! Thanks again for the thoughtful response above. Peace.
Whoa man, thanks for the compliment, but it just means I've been through my own share of struggles too. We've all got growing to do, all that matters is using our experiences to support each other.
I can understand your fear of hitting rock bottom again, that shit is terrifying. But you're smart to recognize seeking help, not shame, is what'll really make a difference this time. The EMDR sounds brutal as hell, but sounds like your therapist really gets what you need. Mad respect for facing those demons head on.
Glad to hear alcohol at least isn't a trigger for you. We all cope how we can, and it sounds like you're tuned into what truly helps vs hinders your well-being. Keep following that inner wisdom my dude.
Just know even on the toughest days, this internet stranger believes in you. You've got so much amazing living still ahead, so don't go giving up on yourself yet! One step at a time, my man. That beer offer's open anytime the going gets rough - we'll toast your strength and brighter days ahead.
Anyway bro, wishing you all the best this holiday season. Keep your chin up, you got this! Peace and love.
I would rather be with someone who went through rehab and got the help that they needed and became sober, over being with someone who returns to addictions when times get tough and is too stubborn to ask for help.
I believe you believe that. But from my life experience women have such a high barrier to entry I am scared this will disqualify me from dating a woman who is on my par. I don’t expect a woman who is better then me obviously. But women usually look to “date up”. It doesn’t help that I lower my viability and ironically I lowered out of depression for not being good enough before I became an addict.