I have a strong feeling that, besides me being diagnosed with depression and anxiety from that attempt, that i may also have bpd. I have these intense emotions but I just don't act on it as much as a typical BPD person would. I'm way more covert and "silent" about it. But when I do, I always find a way to self-sabotage and get myself into trouble. Thoughts about killing myself had been occurring here and there but now not so much and this is all even after my attempt from last year. I have intense attachment issues with certain people and resonate a lot with the "favorite person" symptom but more along the lines of people that i have never been friends with/know me. There was a different occasion where one of my college best friends was my fp as well and might still be even after we are no longer in communication. I can be manipulative and seek attention for the intense emotions I'm feeling. I split on people and lash out and cross boundaries and get these feelings of regret later but usually the damage is done and when it isn’t i still find some way to make it better but that usually doesn’t last long as i somehow make it way worse than what it initially was. I feel crazy all the time, but everyone has these high expectations of me because they see me as a "normal person." I don't feel normal at all. I feel so different from other people. there’s so much more to the story honestly.
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Do I have BPD or am I just assuming?
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I'm sorry you're going through that, it sounds really difficult. A few thoughts:
- Definitely talk to a therapist - don't try to diagnose yourself, let a professional evaluate you. They can check for BPD but also see if treatment for your depression/anxiety helps your other symptoms.
- BPD often develops from childhood trauma, so seeing a trauma-informed therapist is important too. They can help you work through any past issues influencing your behaviors now.
- Focus on self-care - make sure to take care of your physical/mental health with exercise, healthy coping skills, supportive people around you. This will help stabilize your emotions over time.
- Apps like DBT Skill Coach can help you learn Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills even without a DBT program. The skills really help manage intense emotions typical of BPD.
- Be gentle with yourself - you've been through a lot and are doing the best you can. Keep communicating how you feel with people you trust, and don't be too hard on yourself as you learn new ways of dealing with things.
Talking to someone can bring a lot of clarity. You don't have to feel this way forever - with help many people see big improvements. Just take it one day at a time and be proud of any small steps you take caring for yourself. Hang in there!
It's hard to say I know 2 people with bpd and they can get crazy in the wrong situation but they're very different from each other so it's hard to say just from your post. You should definitely talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist about it. I want to help people with mental health problems in the future but I'm not there yet so I can't give you professional advice :).