He is back. What shall I do ?

[Anonymous]

Well, I have been talking to this guy who I knew since we where young kids, we have been talking on net for 3 years now because everyone is temporary in a country, and we both liked each other a lot. I knew then that he has been in a relationship with a girl who is two years older than him, but he never told me about this. So I faced him and told him that I am not someone to be lied to or even fooled, and we didn't talk afterward in 5 months..

Now he began to contact me, after five months no contact. and after his third try I talked to him and seemed very cool and friendly but not as much as before. He was told me that he misses me a lot and that his life has not been good during this time because of me. But I didn't give a sh*t. Yet I still like him a lot. but the idea that I got hurt makes me act this way. He didn't even open the subject, he just tried to seem as if nothing has happened, and want me to talk to him like before.

Please, I need your help guys. How should I react in this situation? Shall I open the subject again, or stay cool till he opens it! And do you think that he really misses me, if so why after five months no contact!

[Pedantic]

Since you are the aggrieved party, you should re-open it and refuse to be a doormat.

Your guess is as good as mine about the 5 months thing -- he probably finally broke up with her.

I don't know if you two are still talking on the net or now know each other RL now. I assume you just want him to be honest with you, and you don't require that he see no one. The latter would be quite demanding if it was still an internet friendship :)

[Asker]

you are right Pedantic.. Well this guy is from the far family so yes I know about him well, as much as I know him. the problem is that since I was the aggrieved and the one who got hurt and since he didn't even try to do any effort during these 5 months, and even when I faced him, He used silence, I feel like its gonna be hard for me to re open the subject. At the same time, I am sure he will not open it, so How can I begin with it, in a way that doesn't make me look as a fool!

[Pedantic]

This guy is screwed. I predict a miserable life of failed relationships and divorce ahead for him. He better stay single :) Anyway, when dealing with a relational idiot, you'll have to walk him through it, baby steps. You tell him there is something you want him to say (probably sorry, with a promise to be more honest). Then you tell him why you want him to say it (because you're hurt). Then tell him what will happen if he doesn't (you may never talk to him again). Lay it all out clear

[Asker]

hehe, thanks for your help. But don't you think it would be weird if I just asked him to do this and this, and open the subject now, after we have been talking now and me seeming so cool as if nothing has happened!? He is always the one who says hi when I log on, but last time it was me who did, and I didn't say a word after it, so How can I just reopen the subject ! Any tips?

[Pedantic]

Well, perhaps asking him about the girl, how it went, and whether or not they still together and what happened. Take an interest in her as you would about any other subject you would in his life. Then after you've talked about her for awhile, casually mention that when you first found out about her you were hurt... and then spell it all out, idiot-mode style.

[Asker]

hmmmm, well thank you . I will try and see what happens :))

[Asker]

I talked to him. He said hi firsand that he missed me. I told him that I missed him too but that I am pissed of him he asked me why and I told him because he has lied to me. then he said that he didn't. I told him:i asked you many times if you were in a relation because I know it is natural and you said no.he: ok.Me:after a while of silence:how can I blve now if what you say is right or wrong. You werent honest with me from the beginning, whch means you never found honesty something importnt btwn us.

[Pedantic]

Looks like your method was a little more abrupt than the one I proposed, but I guess that is one way to skin a cat. For better or worse, at least its off your back. How did the reply go?

[Asker]

yeah.. he denied that he lied to me at first, and when I continued telling that I can't believe him now he just didn't say a word, and then he went offline. the other day he just wrote to me: I'm horny. without even a hi. I asked and why the hell you telling me. he said I'm horny on you. and he asked for cam I refused in another abrupt way that he got mad and went offline again. the third day he sent me a sad face and asked me to open cam many times but in a better more polite way. I also refused.

[Pedantic]

If he denies lying and you keep insisting, what does that look like? Tug of war? Your interpretation of the situation against his?

That is why I proposed a more circumspect type of dialogue so that you can get all the information before confrontation. You are a young adult now, but over the course of the next decade you'll learn a lot :)

[Asker]

you are right.. :( :)

[Anonymous]

Stay cool and let him come to you.