Why Living Together Before Marriage is Important

[Anonymous]

The length of time in which one starts feeling truly comfortable with their significant other varies. As well as the time it takes persons to decide that they are ready for marriage. However, how do we know if we are truly informed about our partner's whole self?

I believe a person is capable of pretending for a really long time. My father once told me that a man will pretend for as long as it takes to get the woman he wants.

Text messages, Phone calls, numerous dates and random sleepovers cannot be enough for you to know a person inside out.

Living together for a long period helps you to see the parts of your partner you may not have seen otherwise. It will be so difficult for your partner to pretend (at home) where he would normally let loose and relax. Eventually his real character will rear it's head.

It also helps couples to fit into each other's routines and get used to quirks and the differences in personalities and just the general way of living.

Ofcourse, some Religions/Denominations condemn this. But I believe the rule of 'not living together until marriage' has become a bit outdated. Things and times have changed along with society.

In conclusion, I believe after months to years of getting to know each other by message and having casual meetups as a couple; one should live with their partner for 8 months minimum before going the marriage route. Preferably during the engagement stage. To prevent one from getting to relaxed with current arrangements and not following through with marriage.

Think of how terrible it would be to find out after your wedding that you absolutely can't manage living with your partner.

It's better to break off an engagement than to be living unhappily for the rest of your life or even spending thousands on Divorce.

#marriage #relationship

[BCRanger10]

I can see why people might think this, but here is why I disagree.

While compatibility is certainly important, I think too many people treat it more as a rule than a guideline. I think that there's a tendency towards trying to fit another person into a box or a mold of some sort with this kind of mentality, which really isn't workable, since, when you think about it, each person is a universe of their own. When that happens, it not only places restrictions on the beloved, but also the lover. I say this because it takes away their freedom to grow in love for the other person. I'd go as far as to say that it's unjust to both the man and the woman.

Another reason why I don't agree with this is that it reduces love to a process or a flow rather than a free and conscious decision. I'd even say that it takes away a certain level of responsibility from each person. It also, I would say, reduces the will to work through challenges, difficulties, and yes, incompatibilities. My parents have been married for 36 years. They dated for five years before getting married. They did not live together during that time. In fact, they did long distance for some portion of it. I've seen the different seasons they've gone through, how they've handled struggles, how they've disagreed with each other, and how they've called each other out, but above all, how they choose to stand by and to love each other and continuously make each other better people.

If a man and a woman want to get married, they need to be making those decisions and preparations while they are single. They each need to decide what kind of person they want to be, what kind of person they want to attract, date, and marry, and what kind of husband or wife and then father and mother they each want to be. This way of thinking, while understandable given the current cultural climate, almost allows for fence-sitting. I'd say it allows for them to move in together and one of them to say "you know what? We're basically married. Let's just meet in the middle". Marriage doesn't work that way. It's not 50/50. It's 100/100.

And lastly, I'm not sure how not living together is outdated. 2018 doesn't have the final say just because it's 2018. The nature of a thing does not change with the times.

So again, I can see what you're getting at, but I cannot agree.

[VIVANT]

Good point about if you want to get married you have to think seriously while single , about the kind of person you want to be in a marriage- or rhationship or whatever. I think many people like to think that the’ right person’ just makes them ready. That’s nit fair to the other person Bc even if you feel ready, doesn’t mean you dud any work preparing to be good and decent and responsible. .

[MsgtDixon]

You make a lot of good points but most have nothing to do with living together before you're married. If you're dating or married you'll have to deal with those struggles to help bind your relationship either way. The point is to fine out if you can live with the person acrossed the kitchen table. We've been taught from other peoples judgements about how we're supposed to be. So people are always so guarded, they just dont opening up. You love someone and you want them to love you, so you want them to except you. Then people dont want to show their true selves. Which makes it hard to except someone for who they are if you dont know. When you do your everyday stuff and you see this person everyday, it gets harder to hide who you truly are. Once you know your S/O better you can make a more a more informed decision. Before you get married, to prevent you and them from going through a divorce. Or staying in a terrible marriage you feel obligated to stay in.

[ManaX]

@MsgtDixon "harder to hide who you truly are" I said it to the OP now I'm saying it to you, this is not one of the main reasons for divorce. So why is it your reasoning for why living together is important to protect you from divorce?

[MsgtDixon]

@ManaX How do you mean? Infidelity, Money, Lack of communication, Constant arguing, Weight gain, Unrealistic expectations, Lack of intimacy, Lack of equality, Not being prepared for marriage, and Abuse. 100% of these can if not be found out, but at least start seeing signs of how your marriage will be. Or your life with this person is going to be, unless you have enough money to have two apartments or houses to separate you. Being that close, sharing the responsibility of the house hold. Its just away to see how the couple will be together behind closed doors. Also if you're considering marriage, you will probably end up living together so why not.

[chrisbigman]

I disagree that living together before marriage is important. While I do agree that (bad) people will (attempt) to pretend with their love interest, I don't agree that they can make it last forever. That's why people should push the boundaries and limits of that "pretendness". Force him/her to let loose. "... get used to quirks and the differences in personalities..." I'm sorry, but isn't that supposed to happen while you date? That's why it's recommended to date a while before you get married.

"Of course, some Religions/Denominations condemn this." And for good reason. "But I believe the rule of 'not living together until marriage' has become a bit outdated." What - because society says so? "Things and times have changed along with society." That doesn't mean it's a good thing. Just because society changes, doesn't mean it's for the better.
I do agree to break off an engagement than to live unhappily for the rest of your life or getting divorced. Not many people do that, though. They feel embarrassed because they're expected to be happy and to get married. In other words, they put too much expectations on themselves.

[chrisbigman]

Thanks very much for one of the MHGO.

[Awsomedudever]

You do have some good views and points bro but now a days woman want the dude with the cash if the guy don't got the cash they don't want marriage. Plus when divorce come boy them girls empty the ex-husband pockets. That's why now a days man are scare of females. It was different back in the 90s but today's young woman generation are feminist gold digger just out of control bro.

[chrisbigman]

@Awsomedudever I do agree with you that some women are gold diggers. However, there are those few women that are not. You just need to do your due diligence and find out. Some men don't want to waste their time to do that, which is their decision (not to). I've said it before and I'll say it again - marriage (and children) isn't for everyone. In fact, it's best for most people to NOT get married and have children because not everyone is built for it. Too many people think they were and before they know it, it's too late because the person they married wasn't who they thought they were - whether it's a cheating bastard or a gold digging bitch.

[ManaX]

This website loves takes casual observation then propose it as facts/best practice. Before you come here to either narcissistically inform us of your beliefs or try to sway people into your way of thinking, back up what you are trying to say with research.

Something tells me you've not bothered to look (given your reasoning, which has no real depth). For example, the main reasons couples divorce have nothing to do with "fitting into each other's routines, getting used to quirks, differences in personality or just the general way of living". You want to know why people actually divorce, look it up online and go read some study. It seems like you're trying to protect yourself from a divorce but you don't even know how.

Just to save you the time, whether or not living together before marriage impacts divorce rates is debatable. In the past, it actually increased the likelihood of divorce after marriage. These days scientific study has mixed findings, and if you just go and do some research into it, you will find out why.

I'm not here to say you are right or wrong, just here to say your reasoning has no ground to stand on.

[EnglishArtsteacher]

Really, the users on this website uses more factual evidence than most other websites I can think of.

If you want to go to a website that uses casual observation over logic, facts, and best practice, try Tumblr. com, 4Chan. org, or my personal favorite: TheOdysseyonline. com.

[myTake Owner]

Thank you for your comment. I will ensure I include references in my future posts. I didn't mean to come across as forcing my thoughts on others. I apologise if I come across as such.

[ManaX]

@EnglishArtsteacher I've been here since 2010, I'm qualified in psychology, no they don't. 4chan I'm disinterested in because of what festers there. I'll stick to the science pages of reddit.

@mytake owner, no worries, divorce I an awful thing.

[EnglishArtsteacher]

@ManaX I'm not disagreeing that GAG often ignores factual evidence, but I was just saying compared to many other websites (including Reddit. com as a matter of fact), it has more logically thinking users in my opinion.

Reddit. com is a testosterone fueled man-baby website. It depends on the subreddit of course, but the website in general is full of nonsensical men who never use factual evidence for anything. Even the subreddits geared for women on that website are mostly composed modern day "Feminists" who try to play the victim-card, and use emotion over logic.

Granted, I've never been to any of the science-based subreddits on Reddit.

[CubsterShura]

Sorry but humans aren't some kinda sample product that I have to have a trial session of living with someone before deciding to commit to them. It is possible to bring out someone's true character in various other ways.

[Guy13]

Living together does more to prevent marriage success than help it according to the statistics as there is no drive to work it out without contract and full commitment.

[Awsomedudever]

I don't know it was different back in the 90s when lady tough it was cute to get flowers, teddy bear and favorite candy. Now a days people from our generation are completely out of control. Just to see how my buddy ended up boy that Bitch empty his pockets always wanted more money she didn't had to work my buddy provided everything in the house but it was never good enough for her. She wanted the latest BMW design fashion. Do dudes look like bank account to you? Do we really look like bank account, I don't think so!

[rjroy3]

I don't have a moralistic view on cohabitation, but I was told when I was young it was a bad idea. There have been statistics that outright show those who moved in together first have higher rates of divorce and of the people I personally know who were married relatively young. Those who didn't move in together are still together today. Those who moved in first sadly are divorced now.

I don't think cohabitation causes divorce, but I do think there is something to it being a bad idea as far as marriage is concerned. I'm not sure what it is, but something is there.

[Reggieray]

Interesting, but I think your missing a key component.

Living together gets you used to figuring out how to manage your money together. It gives you the opportunity to see how the other person priorities expenses, budget, and plan for the future. These are often major points of contention and causes of divorce. It's important to see how responsible and reasonable your betrothed is in matters of financial consequence.

[art84]

My brother and his ex girlfriend lived together and it just didn't work out. They weren't married so it helped as they got to see what it was like being together 24/7 on their own.

My parents never lived together when they dated. They lived together after they got married as my dad lived with his parents and my mom lived with her parents. I guess things are different now compared to back then.

I personally wouldn't live with someone as it just feels weird. Yeah you get to know see the person how they are behind closed doors and how life is living with them. But that's what marriage is for. I think getting to know them for a year would be better.

[passinby]

Yes, I completely agree with living together first because both really need to experience what it will be like after the dust settles. However, a huge hurdle is on the horizon that awaits and that is will you actually get married afterwards. If you do after sufficient time to become two old shoes, then it will be solid and have the best chance of survival.

I preface this as a third person observation.

[GreenGold1992]

I have always felt the same way about this subject. Is it best to live together before marriage to truly find out if it'll work out. If you don't know what's like to live with him/her before marriage, how do you know what its gonna be like once you are married to that person? It might not be anything like you imagined you find yourself disgusted and unbearable to live with the other. And that whole living together in sin thing never really stuck to me, it definitely shouldn't apply in these times.

[Lara_Croft]

False- it's not. There's a higher rate of divorce and break-up amongst live-in b4 marriage couples than there is amongst the opposite. https://liberalarts.du.edu/news-events/all-articles/new-du-study-highlights-risks-living-together-engagement

[JosephineKevin095]

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[9teen]

If you have to live together in order to confirm whether you two can get along, you both aren't exactly in love. Trust in the other is extremely important.
The statistics reveal that couples who marry without living together first have a more successful marriage.

[Elizabeth22ilu]

Living together before marriage is not the greatest idea because it robs you of the happiness that one gets in a marriage. Also because in a marriage you both committed to love each other no matter what where as when you live together and not yet married you are kinda not serious on your commitments.

[Anonymous]

This is so bullshit, I know so many couples who didn't live together before marriage & they've been married for years. My parents, elder cousins, family friends, all married for at least years, some for decades, my grandparents till their death (beyond half a century)

[Anonymous]

Completely agree.
Living with my boyfriend, even though he spent 5 nights a week in mine before, he annoys me 10x as much. And can tell he's comfortable with his 'sleep apnea' he's now showing I didn't know about yet his family did
My dad recently married, they only moved in together 3 months before the wedding so I'm not holding much hope for them

[Anonymous]

I agree with your opinion; Living with each other exposes the smallest details and habits of the other person that you otherwise may not have known about or tolerated. It's basically a peek into your future after marriage, but you can get out of it without filling out the papers.

[Browneye57]

I agree.
And sexual incompatibility is a leading cause of strife for couples.

Choose wisely, treat kindly. __Dr. Laura

[DizzyDesii]

Yourndad wasn't lyin. My boyfriend pretended for 6 months then instuck with him 12 more months facing how indecisive he is. When we move in together after 2 years total then i guess i’ll see “the real him” next summer. Im a little scared

[laurieluvsit]

Comparability is important and sex is a major concern that can lead to a quick separation so why not know that ahead of time.

[meri_manr]

" But I believe the rule of 'not living together until marriage' has become a bit outdated."
So what?
I don't care what MOST people do. To me abstinence is the way and I dln't give a fuck if it's outdated or modern.

[IlyaTheImpaler]

well you can live together, sleep on the same bed and practice abstinence, that's like most old couples 😂

[meri_manr]

@IlyaTheImpaler no cohabitation

[DublinRollerGirl]

So in the meantime you are just a fuck buddy. Wonderful advice.

[myTake Owner]

A good number of persons are already having sex before marriage though.

[myTake Owner]

Also living together doesn't mean the couple has to partake in sex.

[DublinRollerGirl]

While that is true, it is not reality and you know it.

[autoli]

So, you're living with a guy, you're probably cooking for him under the same roof, and constantly hanging out. At what point does he decide to just never get married?