Would you date the guy or girl you like if they did not want or could not have kids?

[jennifer_bloom]

I've liked a guy I met at work in 2019 who I lost touch with cause I failed to find him on his last day of work to exchange numbers - I think he returned to his post but I no longer work there and got into a huge argument during my last week of work so I have almost no chance of getting rehired now since the other managers do not know how hard I worked before I got into that fatal confrontation - there were three managers who liked me a lot but they no longer work there in the same capacity since CoVid affected jobs

Anyway - I realized even though I like this guy and he probably likes me - he might not be able to handle being a father because he has health issues - I never thought God would force me to not date a perfectly kind and loving guy but there is the possibility he might not be able to have kids so if I want children I have to choose somebody else

[Floppy2112]

This type of question is really dependant on where you are in life. I looked at your age, you are 36 and you do not yet have children?
Well, the clock is running out on you ma'am. If you really want children and this guy cannot give that to you, you will have to put him out to pasture. You are simply running out of time.

Presumably, if you get pregnant today, you would be giving birth when you are 37 or close to it. That means when the child is 13, you will be 50. If you prefer the more traditional method of raising a family, which is what I believe in, then you have to court. Let's say everything is perfect and courting lasts for 6 months and then you are engaged. 6 more months and you are married. That puts you at 37-38 before you even get pregnant. Which then means you are 39-40 before the child is born. You are already in a high risk category, pregnancy wise. You may have the uterus of the century and that may not mean anything to you, but the odds are against you.

This is where your past comes back to haunt you. What have you been doing for the last 36 years that you are asking this question now? It is of course perfectly reasonable that life has been exceptionally cruel to you and only now do you find yourself in a place to consider this question. But the chances are, you blew several past opportunities to do other things, putting it off and off and off until the bitter end.
This is a really deep dilema and a forum such as this, is not going to answer it for you. I don't know your story and how you came to find yourself in this position. I think counseling or seeking a pastor, or if you have a Dad it's time to use him. He's not as dumb as you think he is.

The short answer is that kids, outside of adoption, is probably pretty close to being completely off your radar, so you can stick with this guy no problem. But if kids are very important to you then you need to make drastic decisions quickly and you are running out of time. That's just the reality. You need to talk this over with an authority figure who has a lot of wisdom and you can openly discuss your situation with them. And you need to do it NOW.

[grierwrange]

How is she out of time? She’s in her mid 30s...

[Hallie4]

Yea, and since when is a guy without declaration of being a gynaecologist or similar, an expert on female reproductive health?

[Shuttlebus78]

@Hallie4 all kinds of men, especially MGTOW like to say stuff like that to completely healthy women. My gma was 50 when she had my mom. My mom wasn’t born with any defects like MGTOW try to say either. Most of these guys have “hit the wall” as they like to claim everyone else has. Ignore them, it’s your choice. I personally don’t want to try for kids after
40 though that’s just me though.

[Shuttlebus78]

You have no idea what their story is.

[Floppy2112]

@grierwrange Which means she is already high risk, pregnancy-wise. She can go ahead and get knocked up, no problem. But if she wants to build a life and environment for a child to grow up in, she's running out of time. She's closer to 40 than 30. She's already an age where her pregnancy would be called a 'geriatric pregnancy'. It's higher risk, it's not doomed.
www.healthline.com/.../geriatric-pregnancy

[Floppy2112]

@Hallie4 Really? So based on my immutable characteristics, it's impossible for me to know basic biological facts? Don't be an '*-ist'.

[Shuttlebus78]

My gma had my mother when she was in her 50s. Just 5 years ago studies were saying it was perfectly ok. I think people need to look at their family history For information instead of nationwide studies.

[Shuttlebus78]

Once a guy hits 40 he poses increased risks of having children with issues too. But we never hear about that because it all a game the media plays.

[NorthShoreCalling]

The odds aren’t against women who are past 37-40- they’re actually just more even from stats we know so far, but that’s ever changing. Many older women have children now and stats also show that children with older parents tend to be more intelligent. Swings and roundabouts.

[WesBrewer]

You can adopt children, I would be fine dating a girl who didn't want or couldn't have kids, It wouldn't affect me or my decisions at all, I would be phased. I would almost not care at all.

[WesBrewer]

"I would'NT* be phased", whoops.

[SnowyOwl]

"
I never thought God would force me to not date a perfectly kind and loving guy but there is the possibility he might not be able to have kids" I think that somethinv to understand, when you believe in God, is that we are guided by him/it in order to follow the path that is right for us. You are not forced to do anything, you have free will. But we do get gut feelings... The way I see it, these guilt feelings are a way that god may communicate with us, call out our attention when we might be going down the wrong path for ourselves.

It's perfectly valid to hesitate dating someone who could not have kids, if having kids is something that is non negotiable for you. You have to trust that gut feeling telling you no... It's there for a reason, so don't ignore it. You have to have faith that the right person is out there for you, because there are so many people out there as well! So don't loose hope. Meanwhile, you can work on becoming your best self and that will help you in your confidence and decision making capacity, as well as help you attract a person who is right for you.

Trust me, you are not alone in having these doubts about whether you can compromise for a specific person.. Especially in these uncertain times when we really could use good company, it's definetely hard. But don't let fear lead you down a road you will regret years later.
Stay positive, stay patient! And surround yourself with friends is my advice, because they make our journeys better and less lonely (:
Good luck!

[SnowyOwl]

Gut feelings* not guilt feelings

[bobalife]

I had the same question last year and I had to realized it’s up to you if you think you’ll be happy and okay with that decision making knowing that you think you found the right person but may not being able to have kids with... It’s not easy, but I was okay with it because I thought he was worth it. Just know you can’t change his mind or you shouldn’t have the intention to because it’s up to him... just don’t start a relationship thinking otherwise if you know that’s where he stands now.

[Miristheiss]

Sure.

My wife and I have recently had our first but my attitude going into it was I'll do whatever she wants.

I never "HAD" to have kids. It isn't like my life would have been incomplete. If I had married a girl who couldn't have or didn't want kids I'd have been fine.

My wife wanted kids to we had kids. No birth control at all... we are all natural. There are no hormones messing up her body. When we have had all we want I'll get a vasectomy.

Having kids or not having kids was never any deal breaker for me.

[Anonymous]

Didn't want any kids? No, because I think I want to have one child. I want someone open to that possibility, especially given that I just turned 31. Same goes for their interest in getting married in the near future (opposed to several years or a decade from now).

Can't have one? Probably not, unless he's everything I could ever want and doesn't have a problem using a sperm donor. It's not ideal, but there are so many technologies out there to either help with fertility or provide donors that I think it would be a bit silly to pass up the best match for me, a notably amazing match for me. Don't need to test my luck that way.

[Gravit1]

I don't script God and do believe in His healing power. I want to marry and have children, but if the woman God brings into my life can't have children I would pray and seek aid in her being able to have children. I believe Jesus can heal all wounds, but ideally this wouldn't be a problem. No one likes being lied to, but if after getting close it becomes clear she cannot, I'd seek resolution. This is a difficult situation I'd preferably not be in, but if I were, I know Christ would see me through it.

[Anonymous]

** Read the answer from Floppy2112 **

Every word he wrote is correct. If you want kids then start looking for a man who wants them too. You have to start NOW!
IVF is not successful after age 42 unless nature favours you. You decide if you would be ok if you never had kids. In any case, meet other guys too. Chances are you will find someone better than your ex-colleague. I wish you well.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

I'm not only childfree, but barren myself by choice (bilateral salpingectomy, whoop!).

The only way I'd date someone is if they don't want or can't have children. Because I'm not having them, period.

[Jamie05rhs]

Why did you do that? (Just curious.)

[Distants]

@Jamie05rhs she doesn’t want children. Doesn’t want to take the risk of possibly getting pregnant

[Smoke-n-Growls]

@Jamie05rhs

As Distants points out, I don't want children and don't want the risk of pregnancy.

In addition, it's a free surgery for me as a Canadian and removes one of the most common areas for uterine region cancers.

Finally, this means I can enjoy condomless sex with clean partners without having to worry about pregnancy or the hormonal swings from IUDs or birth control pills.

It's a no-brainer option considering the effects, benefits, and (lack of) costs. Plus now I can deadpan inappropriate questions about my fertility with "I'm barren" and watch breeders squirm uncomfortably in their shoes.

I hope that answers your question! If you want more details, feel free to ask. I don't mind talking about it. 😄

[Jamie05rhs]

@Smoke-n-Growls Cool. Thanks.

[KaibeGurl]

Since there are 2 sides of your question, i have 2 answers.
Yes I would date him if he couldn't biologically have kids with me. I'd like to experience pregnancy but if I didn't I dont know what I'm missing out on so 🤷‍♀️
If he didn't want kids at all no because even if I never have a child that shares my DNA, I want to adopt and/or foster one or several of the already existing children out there and love them like my own

[LemiaOfTheCodes]

My pervious girlfriend has a condition called Turners Syndrome that could affect reproduction and she said did i worry about her about not having kids. I said we worry about that when we were actually trying for them.

[SoulSkyFlare]

I'm the the guy who doesn't want kids in this situation.
Don't really see the point of having one, it's not like the world is lacking human anyway and I think society has evolved enough that the main goal of our lives should not be to pass on our genes.
So yeah, i would gladly date a girl who doesn't want kids either

[Madhatter920]

I would, but that's because I don't really want kids either. I have moments where I see friends with their kid and I think "maybe" but most of the time, I'm pretty content never having a kid.

Now if that's something truly important to you, then hold out for it. It really just depends on whether or not you could still be happy without them.

[TheorionMage]

As long as YOUR life goals coincide with his/her's why would you not?
Companionship, 'friends-with-benefits' ... I can think of NO ONE who cares to grow old, ALONE.
Although for the majority... one of the couple will usually die first.
And, self-'euthanasia' is ALWAYS a last resort. :'(

[Psychoanalytical]

I hope I will find that one that doesn't want children. The world is going through instense distress and bringing more people to this world doesn't help. I really value a woman intelligent enough to understand that having children in this time and age is inherently selfish.

[Sofia123sofia]

Oh shit, i have the same problem. I'm dating a guy who doesn't want to have a kids in the future, we have discussed this and he is kid of scared to not be able to give love to his kids. I told him that i wanna kids in the future but at the same time i told him not now probably after 10 years (I am 20 years old now) I just made it clear to him, I told him too if you don't wanna kids just let's break up because i don't wanna fall in love so much in this case.

[sheikalana]

I wouldn't date them if they don't want to have kids because that's something I really want in life however, if they could not have kids due to health conditions I would still date them because that doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to have kids, there are so many other options we could adopt for example.

[boombastik]

I married a lady with 2 kids but couldn't have more. Now that I'm divorced and I've met my twinsoul/soulmate and will end up marrying her before it's over, she has 2 kids and can't have anymore. God works in mysterious ways. I believe it's a choice and God isn't going to judge us if priests and nuns don't have kids. There is always the option of borrowing someone else with healthy life force to help impregnate you if it's that big of an issue. My wife told me I could find a surrogate.

[grierwrange]

I think if it’s a dealbreaker for you then you should choose someone else. But if it’s a negotiable and you think he treats you well and are willing to not have kids just to be with him, then you should choose him since he seems like everything you’re looking for but it all depends on how important you think having kids is!

[TheUniqueOne96]

I don't want kids myself, so I'd rather date someone who doesn't have or want them.

If anything, I wouldn't date anyone who did want them, as I'm the opposite in that aspect and we'd be incompatible in a major aspect.

[Jjpayne]

It's tough because I want to be a father.. I think I'd like to be a father so that might be close to a deal breaker. I would even be open to adopting a child. But I'd like to have at least the opportunity to raise one child

[pantyloverr]

Jennifer its all about you babe what is important to you if kids are what you want then you have to keep that in mind. But if you truly believe this could be the guy God wants you to be with maybe you are put on this earth to adopt a child that needs you. Just need to pray on it and follow what he tells you. Love you friend 🙏🙏🙏💋💋

[courtney06]

Maybe since I don’t want children anyway. Although I am very weary of getting romantically involved with anyone at this point even if they don’t want children.

[Inexpensivefurniture]

I don't want and am not capable of having kids, so my ideal partner eould be someone else who did not want kids. But I can understand how it must be painful to realize the person you really like isn't compatible with what you want