Why does my husband not want to get married by law?

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone.
Me and my husband have been married (by church) for a little over 2 years now.
we also have a baby girl who is a few months old.
I’d love for all of us to share the same last name as my husband and our baby do. I feel a little outcasted. I have been convincing my husband for the past 2 years to get a marriage license but he has been refusing over and over. No reason is given really.

It makes me feel horrible. He asked me to marry him, we got engaged. Got married in church, but he never wanted a civil wedding.

Can someone please give me advice on what to do and if this is ever normal

Updates

1 y

Anyone else? :(

Updates

1 y

To all the men: imagine you are him, what would your reasoning be? Should I be concerned or am I being dramatic?

[SueShe]

You don't tell us where you are from but in a great number of cases, civil marriage is a constraint for the man because it would force him to have to pay alimony and support in case of a divorce.

Church marriages have no legal obligations. They are merely a show marriage because a great number of people place a great importance on religion and to be in line with the precepts of religion that stipulate that couples need to wed in front of God.

Now, I would make sure that you are protected financially in case of separation, even though you don't have a paper from the state which would give you a certain legal security.

I would seek the conversation with your husband and tell him openly that you will seek legal counseling as to what your rights are in case of separation. This may entice him to reconsider. He may not like the idea but if he is placed in front of the harsh facts, he may change his views. Good luck.

[Asker]

We live in Europe. I think it’s not much different than it is in the United States..
thank you for your comment, I don’t think he will ever change his mind

[SueShe]

You have to let him know that if he does not want to do it for you, then he should do it for the protection and future of your child.

Mainly young children in their early school years may get mobbed because they are different and don't have the traditional parents. It can be traumatizing for the child to have to justify him/-herself even though many couples live in the same situation.

[Asker]

Thank you for your very insightful comment and advice. And your actual MATURE take on this matter. Some other people are assuming the worst things about my marriage now because of my question which really annoys me.

[LazerBean]

This is all stuff you should have addressed and figured out before having kids and getting a civil marriage. You can keep begging, but I don't see the point. I'm assuming that since he doesn't want to say his reasoning, then it's probably because he doesn't want to have to go through the legal repercussions of getting a divorce if it were to happen.

[Asker]

You think so?

[Anonymous]

Because it's the legal aspect of marriage that puts men at such a disadvantage. I can't blame him. Marriage today is a minefield for men.

[Asker]

Okay, thank you for your honesty

[Asker]

Some other people are commenting and assuming that there are problems in my marriage and some say he doesn’t want that extra commitment. What do you think?
This man has really not been wanting this since day 1, even at our BEST times

[Anonymous]

Can't you get the marriage license yourself?

[Asker]

no.. I live in Europe by the way.

[dustybiker]

Tell him how it makes you feel and that you would feel better if he gave you a reason you can understand.

If he gives you one will you be able to let it go? Because don’t ask if you can’t. You’ll be in the same position you are now, but with the knowledge. Make sure you want to know first, whatever that might be.

[Asker]

I have told him how it makes me feel many times. He just does not want me to talk about it, changes te topic or does not even respond.
Which makes me feel even more upset 😔 I think it wouldn’t be such a big deal for me it he had given a very valid reason why whe should not. But he just has no reason. I feel turned down by him

[dustybiker]

Yeah. I think telling him. And asking him to listen and letting him really know are two different things.

[Daniela1982]

He likes the option of dumping you, if he wants, without having to go through a divorce. You would not be entitled to get squat except child support.

[Asker]

You think he likes the option of dumping me?

[Daniela1982]

I can't see why he wouldn't want to legally marry you if he wasn't. Or... Maybe he was married previously but never got a divorce? They he couldn't legally marry you.

[Asker]

What you are saying really made me think about whether he really might be still “married” to someone without my knowledge! Should I ask him if he is withholding information?

[Daniela1982]

Do you think he will really tell you the truth?

[Asker]

I actually think that I would have known at some point, some how. There is no way someone can keep a secret like that I believe.

Some comments on here (not particularly yours) are very upsetting to me. People are assuming the wildest things, that we have problems and all sorts of stuff and that our marriage will come to an end
That is not okay. I might stop reading because it is getting out of hand. I was just wondering why the man I chose to marry has not been wanting something important since the first day I met him (I just always thought he’d change his mind).

[Anonymous]

this is all rather confusing to me...

also, you can change your last name literally any time you want to. with or without marriage.

there are more problems in this marriage that he's not telling you and i don't see it lasting since this is a big issue to you.

[Asker]

“I do not see it lasting since this is a big issue to you”. Tell me anonymous, explain yourself further on how you made this stupid assumption by only reading 2 paragraphs.

[Opinion Owner]

well the obvious reason is how your husband is acting towards being in a civil marriage where you change your last name. he dodges the question, gives no reason, and he doesn't care that it makes you feel horrible. it's shady as fuck and any woman with intelligence sees this as a major red flag. do not blame me, blame your husband.

[Asker]

I think there is a way of saying something to someone or trying to give advice or an imput without actually offending them. You are not capable of doing that, that’s for sure.

So if this were to happen to you, what “shady”ness would you seek behind this?

[Asker]

You wouldn’t know, you’re just an anonymous bully.

[In_Trance]

Why do you need this? Why can things be the way they are currently?

[Asker]

Because I did not got “married” just only to say that we are married. We are a family and there are children involved. I believe in if you do it, then you do it all the way. I want it to be traditional and I would love for us all the share the same surname as ONE family.

[Guy13]

Not normal.

[Guy13]

He probably does not want to risk resources. What do you know about his Past? People like this have often screwed over other people in this area and know what can happen. Sometimes, they get screwed over in the process. Sometimes it is milking the cow free and/or having my cake and eating it too...

[Asker]

I know.. 😔

[Asker]

He has never been married before so I wouldn’t know. He does not have big resources he would be scared of “losing”. Not that I want to go after those, don’t get me wrong. It is also possible to get a marriage license where there are no risks attached as in what will happen if we would ever get a divorce. So knowing all of this.. I really do not know why he is still so much against it. It really hurts my feelings.

[Guy13]

If you offer a pre-nup and insist one a "standard household" for children then there would be no reason for him to refuse. YOu can go online and find one. Get it together neatly and "I'll sign it right now in front of Notary." If the children are his, they will still automatic draft for child support from his accounts.-don't tell him that...

[Daniela1982]

How would you know if he hasn't been married? He may be keeping that mum.