How is it unfair to ask for a decent ring when a woman is asked to give up her maiden name?

Question

If you don’t want to spend much or anything on an engagement ring; are you also fine with her and your kids not taking your last name?

Investigator · Accepted Answer

Is this a committed relationship or a business partnership? What you're asking for is "quid pro quo", i. e. "you give me a ring and I'll take your last name." Both arrangements are perfectly acceptable, but they're also very distinct.

How is that? Well, in a committed relationship, the terms of engagement are verbally agreed upon but subject to change and/or immediate termination, while business partnerships are expressly transactional, concisely agreed upon (usually in writing, to maintain a paper trail) and legally binding with harsh penalties for failure to comply, and necessarily beneficial--which does mean keeping score of who gets what. It sounds like you want the idea of the former but desire the function of the latter.

Also, "decent ring", you mean "3 months' salary?" Are you aware that this "tradition" is/was manufactured by the De Beers Group, in order to artificially increase the value of diamond rings (which are naturally abundant), who campaigned to make them some sort of "rite of passage" for marriage ceremonies. Yeah, it's not a time-honored tradition going back Millenia, it's marketing from the 1900s that people have since taken as gospel and now demand as demonstration of commitment, even though it is rather perfunctory act.

If you intend to marry, keeping a checklist of all the things other people got is the best way to signal the worst kind of intent. It's supposed to be a nice gesture from the partner among many to come, not an opportunity to figure out just how much you're getting screwed.

BullShark · Accepted Answer

I don't really see there being an apt comparison between a last name and a ring. That's like saying something like it's unfair that you have to eat the same boring home cooked food your mom makes when you also have to accept your boring dad's last name too. You get what I mean?

Personally, I'm the sort of person who doesn't really care if his wife keeps her maiden last name, as long as my kids keep mine. Call it a cultural thing. And as for rings, I don't know if you said this to shit on men or something, implying that men purposely buy a cheap ring to save up, which really isn't the case if that's what you think.

Out of all the married guys I've known personally, there hasn't been ONE man who bought his fiance a cheap ring on purpose, because as us men, we too want our future wives to be wearing good looking rings which make them stand out from the other girls and they can show it off to their friends (because they WILL and they SHOULD). So just bear in mind that if you see a guy getting his fiance a slightly smaller ring that isn't as big as her overinflated ego, chances are he's probably broke and he tried his best to get whatever he could afford for her.

Brainsbeforebeauty · Accepted Answer

What does one have to do with the other… you take your husbands last name and give your children his name as you are now a family unit… and by decent, do you mean expensive? A ring was only ever meant to be a symbol, not for the cost to be a determination of how much someone loves you…

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

The thing about engagement rings is that you want a good one but you've also got to consider that say a 20 thousand dollar engagement ring is the price of a car, deposit on a house and so on. You got to think of your future. No use having an expensive ring if the repo man takes it.

Summeroflove · Answer

If all you measure love in is a material object you have problems. Because you’re not entitled and men don’t like entitled women the same as women don’t like entitled men.

As far as last names go. This is a serious conversation that two people getting married need to talk about and find what’s best for them. She doesn’t have to give her last name up if she doesn’t want to. It’s just a tradition.

Some people also don’t have the budget to buy some fancy ring. All you want is material objects. This isn’t love. If you want something so bad you’re free to go out and buy it your own self.

Guy13 · Answer

RUN!!, who would get engaged to a disrespectful guy like this?

Clouding "taking his name" Marriage values with proper engagement ring purchase is counterproductive. Clearly this guy's priorities are skewed if he is willing to do this to his potential wife. How can a spouse expect such an individual to maintain wife, children, and /or household itself?

coachTanthony · Answer

You either believe in that one aspect of traditional marriage or you don't. You wanting a decent ring should have nothing to do with your name. You tell him hey I am going to be wearing this the rest of my life so I want it to be a good one.

jennifer_bloom · Answer

I do not know a single woman who changed her last name that did it because she felt pressure to do so. They wanted to change the last name cause it made them feel more united in marriage to the husband.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Why are the cost of the ring and the last name matter tied together? Sounds like you are trying to bargain to get the best financial deal out of this, instead of just marrying for love.

DaveJord · Answer

I would say that she should expect whatever is within reason, and she can keep her name, but the kids will take mine.  Absolulety now hyphened or double last names for the kids.

Anonymous · Answer

How is it unfair to ask you to change your last name when you are asking him to enter into marriage with you knowing that there is a 40% chance you will divorce him and take his children?

Half of marriages end in divorce and women initiate 80% of divorces. A little basic math shows that 4 out of 10 men who get married today will be divorced by their wives (50% x 80% = 40%). And when women divorce their husbands, men get screwed in divorce court and child custody arrangements.

You women need to stop focusing on petty, selfish things like a ring and your last name and start trying to mend the damage you have caused to the institution of marriage. Men are already saying no to marriage at the highest rate in history, by far, and that trend shows no sign of reversing. Making an issue of your last name and a ring seems very petty in the context of the bigger picture, doesn't it?

If you women start keeping your last names, you're taking away one of the few remaining benefits of marriage to men, and that may be the final nail in the coffin for western marriage.

lightbulb27 · Answer

I got her what she wanted, within reason and thankfully, she is very reasonable!

picking an unreasonable mate is a yellow flag. you get to decide what is reasonable.

It does seem unfair women have to change their name, but that is deeply embedded in cultures. Maybe we should have merged names instead of disposing of one.

Jimmy Joe Doolittle marries Mary Snoodles.

The become Mr and Mrs Jimmy Joe Snoodles Doolittle

Eventually, they have to truncate names into acronyms.

RavVid · Answer

I think women are entirely happy to give up their maiden name and there is no trade for a ring as implied.

Whilst we might think it is universal for women to use Ms, it is entirely untrue. I know this because I have checked it in commercial cutomer databases. In fact only about 15% of women chose Ms as their salutation title, another 15% choose Miss, and 60% chose good old fashioned Mrs. A few Drs and other titles round out the rest plus there are always some variations to those number.

I was curious enough to ask around about this. It seems that the Mrs and name changed are taken as part of the Big Day and happily done as much of a part of it as much as the wedding gown and wedding breakfast.

In fact I think, if you didn't want your wife to take on your surname, you would fight a losing battle. A girlfriend made a strong unwanted push to take mine.

It depends on what you regard as a decent ring. It should be affordable not stupidly expensive needing a ten year bank loan.

It is unfair, unreasonable and over demanding if that is what you are asking for.

Tracker1958 · Answer

Okay your not going to like this. If she has any problems with any part of any of this, dump her. If she has problems with changing her last name, she only cares about the wedding and doesn't care at all about the man she claims to love. If she truly loves him, she would marry him with no question ask or requirement. She wound care about the ring, changing her last name or any thing else. My wife's ring cost 300 dollars when we was married. Our wedding cost 25 dollars. She didn't care at all. We been married for 45 years now. Guys, if she puts a bunch of requirements on you before she will marry you, dump her on the spot, it's the wedding she in love with and you have absolutely nothing to do with it. After we was married for several years, I got her a real nice ring. She was 17 and I was 18, I didn't have a great job, I was making 3.50 an hour. If she not willing to help you build a good life from the bottom, don't take her in after you put in all the hard work to get to the top. Requirements means she she just after the money, love is no where in this.

Genie23 · Answer

To be honest, you make it sound like you guys are making some kind of deal. You buy me an expensive ring and I'll give up my surname. That's not what you're supposed to do. See, you should be happy with whatever gifts and the kind of ring he got for you. He did the best he could. If you don't want to change your surname, you just let him know that. Maybe he'll understand. Marriage is about making many good memories, growing old together. Being there for each other through thick and thin. Appreciating each other. Doing things for your partner to make him/her happy and they should do the same. Don't think of it as a deal.

Screenwriter · Answer

The idea of selling off your name for a ring is rather abhorrent if you ask me. A couple can decide whose name or hyphenate or whatever with the kids. That's not even an issue. They aren't born yet. Talk about it after the wedding or before even...

The point is, no one should have to spend several thousand dollars to "collar" or "brand" a woman as theirs! What century are we living in? Maybe ask him to give the girl's family some horses or blankets? Cows? How about a dowry?

It's a tradition that can be done or dispensed with. The man deserves as much of a gift from the woman as the woman deserves from the man. Why not have each give the other something lovely like a ring, a bracelet that's engraved in gold or silver with precious or semi-precious stones. A pearl necklace for the lady. There are so many alternatives to a diamond ring that don't cost a fortune and are lovely engagement presents that both parties should give to each other.

Ghostykill3r · Answer

There is no real purpose in having a stupid expensive ring except to show it off. Getting one that you like, and one that is quality is a good idea, but people shouldn't be spending 10s of thousands of dollars on a bit of gold and a small rock. There's absolutely no correlation between the ring and the last name, except that they are typically associated with marriage. The last names being the same is helpful when it comes to registering kids for school, activities, doctors. Many people would see it as a red flag if a dad comes to pick up his kids and they have different last names. However that's just a conversation to have with your partner about what you both want and would like to do.

Haha456 · Answer

i would have to agree that there is no excuse to be cheap with a ring. i also think it must also be within the affordable bounds of the financial means of the man you're trying to marry. if you're marrying a broke asshole who can't afford a stay at home wife, i wouldn't expect a extroadinary ring.

HighValue · Answer

Completely different things. The price of a ring is just greed and materialism. If you don't have his last name, maybe he doesn't really see you as part of his family so if a violent intruder even breaks in the house, he only needs to protect himself and his kids, but not you since you aren't part of his family without his last name.

Greed and materialism is one of the MAIN ways you will lose a good quality man. Just FYI.

SteveSmith1985 · Answer

These two things are unrelated.

It's not a situation of trade-offs.

Keep your maiden name if that's something important to you. But it's got nothing whatever to do with the cost of a ring.

Something you might be overlooking: Marriage is not an economic marketplace exchange. It's a ceremony to affirm your love and commitment in a public and officially recognized way.

If the cost of the ring is an issue, you're getting married for the wrong reasons.

Anonymous · Answer

I don't like the idea of valuing love based on the ring, but I totally see your point.

They don't understand how women lose their self taking the name and becoming Mrs whatever, his wife, etc and never again called her first name. They lose their individuality.

Yes, you become a unit but the husband doesn't lose himself in that sense.

This ring is worn forever, no one wants one that's ugly.. over 2k is extreme but she is the one wearing it.. forever.

integrale77 · Answer

It's not about physical possessions it's about love sure he can work on the best he can get but the decision over who takes what name is a separate issue.

My girlfriend has already said she wants to keep her own but add mine mainly because she has a son already and wants to it to be recognised that she is his mother. I see the logic and I'm fine with it. I'm also fine with this because my surname begins with T and it puts me to the bottom of lists where as J gets me closer to the top👍

ShellyB · Answer

I think the reason the answers are not what you were expecting or wanting is that I do not think most people see these two things as being tied together, although I think it's OK if a couple does see it that way and decides to negotiate them that way. For most people it's two totally separate decisions that have nothing to do w each other. JMO!

Astarlessnightsky · Answer

If this is how you see marriages thats fine and good luck finding a partner who thinks alike, however there are plenty of other opinions and ways to handle things like that.

Eg my girlfriend will gladly give up her maiden name as it teminds her of her toxic father, or a friend of mine will be taking his wifes maiden name, or you can take on a double name or each partner can simply keep their maiden name...

As for the price for a ring there are also countless opinions, some will they the thought and symbol is what matters so any ring will do, even if its just a piece of tinfoil, others will demand a ring that will put a lot of debt on the couple...

BJP21 · Answer

You be surprised how many people call it off over it.  "Whats in a name? That in which we call a rose by any other name name would smell as sweet" -Romeo and Juliet.

Datboi65 · Answer

Then don't get married. You don't deserve a decent ring, not with that entitlement.

The whole concept of marriage is honoring your vows, not a stupid shiny ring. It's about commitment and duty, something that you don't seem to understand.

No, you don't have to give up your maiden name either, you have the option to merge yours with his. Wow, shocking right? Women like yourself are exactly why most marriages end in divorce.

jamesgoldman · Answer

£1,000 is decent these day
Good thing about a recession I suppose

I had that figure set between £5k-£10k, lower rings generally get parted when I get them through

Seen rings worth a million before frankly pointless because they are either the size of candy rings or so clean they look like cubic zirconia

Anemone978 · Answer

I never took my husbands last name perhaps its cuz I knew we would never last LOL And I lost my wedding ring a year into the marriage he never bought a new one, It was only 500 pounds so no big deal xD

HighlyQuestionable · Answer

This question is so wrong.

I have to be blunt, I think some women need to stop thinking of relationships in such a materialistic way.

and... why would any man particularly want to divest a woman of her birth name... I never got that.

John_Doesnt · Answer

"None of those latter men are self aware and fair enough to compromise on giving up both traditions the other values."

A wedding ring a tradition. A very new and very stupid tradition. Women never got anything for a marriage until around the 1930's. They were happy just to get married. You'll get nothing and like it or stay single and buy a bunch of cats.

MCheetah · Answer

Neither one is required for the person to love each other. I voted Option C:
"I’ll get her the best within reason, and we can compromise on the last name." I hate my mother anyway, so I don't care about the last name.

midnightmoon05 · Answer

Talk to your boyfriend. this is based on the two of you. We don’t know your situation. How much money you both have. What are your future goals for both.

Anonymous · Answer

I gave a very nice ring and I STILL had to deal with the name bullshit! lol! Sometimes you just can't win!

Anonymous · Answer

Lol the price of the ring has nothing to do w his last name. Either you willingly take his last name or I’d advise him to find someone else who is willing to have his last name. Same goes for you. If you want a bigger ring find a man who is willing to give that to you not cause his fiancé made him feel bad about the ring he got her. Chances are though your marriage won’t last that long.

Kinkyhubby · Answer

If she is unhappy with the ring size she most be a gold digger. The ring should be about 1/2 his month salary. Maybe that is all he can afford. If she loves him she will except that. If the wife is already In a profession, i. e. like a Dr, then I would be ok with her not changing names, but my kids will bear my last name. Especially if it is a male.

ArtemisSilver · Answer

I think the last name should be of whichever family is most supportive or accomplished with the man's name being default in a tiebreaker.

My family has for the most part been terrible to me so I happily took my wife's last name.

Kiran_Yagami · Answer

A woman isn't getting just the ring. She's also getting access to her man's resources. A ring is not a practical asset. It does not appreciate and it has no real use. Asking for a rock just because is asinine. Marriage is about the damn ring, and if that's your deal breaker then your fiancé needs to run for the hills.

exitseven · Answer

We were saving to buy a house. We had no engagement ring. We did buy gold wedding bands and ten or so years later I bought my wife a gold ring with inlaid diamonds. I heard that kids are not buying engagement rings anymore.

Daniela1982 · Answer

You can keep your name nowadays. For instance, if a woman named Awesome with the last name of Ding marries a guy with a last name of Bat, she would go by the name of Awesome Ding Bat.

DarkCarousel · Answer

Are  you  really okay with not giving your children his name because you wanted an expensive ring? It just doesn’t sound like your priorities for a marriage are in the right order. It shouldn’t be about the ring. It’s about building a life with someone you love and  wanting  to share their name, and becoming a family. (Spoken by someone who would love to have a special ring from the man who wants to share a life with me.)

Phoenix98 · Answer

And what exactly is your definition of decent because that term can vary quite a bit. Also I don't really see why or how the two should be tied together?

SpokenTruth · Answer

Assuming I would date or marry which I would never do either, only assuming. The last name issue has feminist written all over them, I would avoid.

CateM · Answer

I think they're pretty even there. If I marry a man, I'm keeping my last name. If it's "so important" that we have the same last name, he's free to take mine

call_me_scar · Answer

I'd be fine with letting the women I marry keep her last name as for the ring I found a gold right with a 10k Dimond in it so I'll probably get a guy to refurbish it and give her that

Keishio · Answer

Would you want to be with a man so out of control with his money that he spends huge amounts on jewelry without the forethought to save that money to care for the needs of his family when hard times arrive. Not if they arrive, when they arrive.

Guardian45 · Answer

A "decent ring" is one that has SENTIMENTAL value, NOT monetary value. In some,
countries, married women DON'T wear a ring at all.

In my country, women DON'T give up their maiden name and CAN take a married name as well or NOT!

Ninania · Answer

If you see your relationship as purely transactional, I suppose you could call it fair to ask for a decent ring in return for taking their last name, though neither of you seem to actually care about each other or be a good fit if you have to compromise to make it work.

Mangospacho · Answer

Unless it’s an extremely expensive ring >$10K, it’s not unreasonable to ask for a decent ring that, you know, she gets to wear ‘til death do you part.

zagor · Answer

That is a rather weird comparison. I know a lot of women who kept their name, usually because they have some sort of professional certifications in that name and don't want to bother changing it.

oddwaffle · Answer

Who gives up their name these days? Most people keep their names and family names. The names of the kids depends on the parents' agreement.

front2back · Answer

Why would either party agree to marriage at that point? The price of the ring doesn't actually matter, it's more so the quality of marriage expected. Our ancestors in the Great Depression weren't proposing with equivalent $5000 rings today.

Maiden name are symbolic and the only reason s woman should have to keep one is due to name prominence, such as if she is part of a family business/firm. Otherwise it's not worth keeping especially as far as traiftion is concerned.

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

I'll buy her a nice ring and take her maiden name because I don't like my last name.

Jemini_Crocket · Answer

I don't marry him just to get the "perfect" ring. I marry him for who he is and how he makes me feel.
I see no issue with giving up my maiden name (even though it's special) to have my husband's, whom I'd love wholeheartedly.

JennaWillow · Answer

I don't really understand the big deal about not wanting to take the mans name. Its traditional, and what is the alternative?

Rather than taking your husbands name, you are just keeping your father's name lmao

jshm2 · Answer

The two are not comparable, kiddo.  You need to be worth the ring, your name is worthless if no one is willing to take you.

shanshu · Answer

Wow women really think guys are made of money.

What does it matter what kind of ring you have, you got a ring, you are going to get married, you found a guy that loves you and wants to marry you and all you can think of is you got a crappy ring.

If you don't want to change your name then dont

nawtee_me · Answer

If your last name ids more important than a ring then keep your last name and have someone else’s kids.
If the amount of money being spent on you is what is important to you then gold dig somewhere else.
A ring is important but love is more important.

dustybiker · Answer

It’s a ring. The important side of marriage needs to slip into focus.

altaboy · Answer

Does this mean that if my wife does not take my last name, I don't have to buy a ring?

annabananna · Answer

Sharing a last name is really nice when you have kids together. What people consider a decent ring can really vary in opinion.

Anonymous · Answer

What? The things some people care more about end up being the reason they divorce not years later.

KrakenAttackin · Answer

When it comes to names and marriage, let's just say feminism is not compatible with marriage.

Paul09 · Answer

So basically you just want shiny useless "things" ? And what happened to keeping both your last names? Religious people are so bizzare..

msc545 · Answer

I don't care about the last name, and I'm not going broke for a ring.

How is it unfair to ask for a decent ring when a woman is asked to give up her maiden name?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

How is it unfair to ask for a decent ring when a woman is asked to give up her maiden name?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.