Should I have kids with a guy who isn't financially ready?

[Anonymous]

we aren't married. we aren't in a romantic relationship. we both just wanted to have kids. we are both 30 years old and employed. I am gainfully employed while he isn't. He has a job but barely makes enough to provide for himself. I have spoken to a few people about this and they are all telling me that someone like him won't have anything to contribute. after the baby is born, I will likely be the one working full time financially providing for my baby AND also doing most of the work raising the child. While he will just be a part time parent while working his low paying job full time- contribute little to nothing financially. They all say that men don't want to be parents as their " main" role especially for a man that isn't married to me. Its always the woman who takes on the burden of being the "main" full time parent.

is this true?

[RavVid]

I don't know why I do this but i did a couple weeks ago. Given a 5 minute copulation and a strike on the first go the relative male female contribution to a baby is 1:80,640.

If he was willing to be a daddy than taking care of the kid could be a good deal but I think you should expect some house work too. In view of the ratio of the above.

Does he keep his undertakings is a key issue? Do you want a romantic relationship with some other guy? If you do have ambitions there than not every guy will want kids attached. This deal gives you kids but you should write off a husband in the future.

How many hours does he work? does he have hours for child rearing.

Guys can get highly attached to their children so that side of things isn't a problem but look at his family relationships - are they stable?

I think to a large degree you will be effectively married. Are you in a common law marriage state. Worth looking at the legal side, maybe some sort of prenup even.

good luck!

[Anonymous]

I would say no you shouldn't. You will come to regret the decision once the kid is there. Kids are not only financially expensive but they require a lot of attention that only both a mother and father can provide. You say he will be there but if he can barely keep himself afloat financially, I find it highly unlikely he will be able to support the kid in a way that a father should support their children. Coming from a single parent home, I would not advise anyone to do that because there will be a lot the kid will miss out on. A child needs both parents and needs both parents to be stable in all areas to fully get the fundamental needs that's required to be a good parent.

If you made the decision to have the child, knowing full well that you will be the main provider and have to most likely work a lot to keep up with all the expenses you will find that you will hardly ever have time for the child which only hurts the child's development.

I had to grow up almost on my own because my mother worked a lot and my dad wasn't around. I missed out on a lot because of that and I find it's messed me up somewhat. You don't want that for your child. Trust me.

[Asker]

I'm planning on hiring a nanny or sending my kids to summer camp when I'm not free or when I need a break.

[Opinion Owner]

That's still not the same thing as having you around. It should be a dynamic where parents are present as much as possible.

[Asker]

i didn't grow up with my parents around me all the time. I saw my parents just 4 hours every night. And on the weekends, I only saw my father. I was around my teachers most of the time. I attended afterschool programs and Saturday church. My childhood was fine.

[Opinion Owner]

Well I can't argue with you if you said you had a fine childhood but I just don't think it's feasible, when you're not married or in love with this guy, the guy isn't financially stable, and you don't even know if he would really be around as much as you think. And even if he's not around and you feel you can handle it, you can't be both a mother and a father. Like I said before a child needs stability from both parents and needs to have a lot of nurturing from the mother, not a nanny or summer camp or teachers. What is that going to give them but more love towards the nanny or whoever is providing them with the nurturing that they need? Just because you had a good childhood doesn't mean that they will. And they may come to resent you as they get older. I would just say really think about your choice because once that child is here, there are no backsies.

[Asker]

sweetie, not all kids have nurturing parents. I didn't have nurturing parents and I had a fine childhood. I knew my parents loved me and sacrificed so much for me. But in my culture, parents are not supposed to be nuturing or their children's best friend. I turned out fine.

your mom didn't love you enough. your mom didn't have enough money to raise you.

Every parent works 40 hours a week. Its not something thats shocking or surprising. Vast majority of parents in this country are full time working mothers and fathers , typically 40 hour weeks.

your mother had to work more than that because she couldn't afford to raise you. she was not financially ready and chances are she didn't really love you that much either.

I can work 36 hours a week and can still fully be able to provide well for my child.

[Asker]

i grew up spending 75% of my time around teachers because my parents emphasized on my education. After school ended , I attended after school programs where I did homework and there were tutors who checked my homework and taught me if I needed help. My mom would get off of work and bring me home to eat dinner and watch tv. Then another 4 hours later, we would be in bed. Then on saturdays, my father will wake up really early in the morning to bring us to church where there were classes, recreational activities for kids. We did this for 10 years up until I was 15 years old. My mom worked 7 days a week for 15 years.

I can't say I had a bad childhood at all. Its not that you didn't have a parent, its the fact that you didn't have good experiences such as making good friends, developing good relationships with teachers, you didn't have a good social life, you didn't have any goals or ambitions to chase.

[Anonymous]

Nothing is wrong with coparenting, people do some version of this all the time. People also bring babies into the world while they themselves aren’t in the best situations. But would I advise doing any of this? No. My suggestion is freeze your eggs or just get fertility treatments when you are actually ready to be a parent. I know at age 30 there’s numerous concerns, like being an older parent, being unable to get pregnant, and whatever else. But those fears are no reason to take your currently comfortable life and set your future self up for a hard one.

[Asker]

i am ready to be a parent= financially and emotionally. i'd rather live the hard life as a single mom than die alone living a lonely, sad life.

[Opinion Owner]

Why would you think you’re going to live alone? Don’t get me wrong, I’m 31, 32 in a few months and have definitely had that fear in the past but so many more women are getting pregnant in their 30s as opposed to 20s and it’s not the death sentence you make it sound like. Also, even if you are ready you’ve acknowledged the guy is not, so why sign up for this? Why accept struggle rather than be patient for another couple years? Like personally my boyfriend and I are in ok places financially but want to be more stable, as so many expenses come with childcare and the cost of living. I gave myself until 34–35.

[Asker]

I have honestly lost hope a long time ago when it came to dating and finding love. Thats why i feel such a pressure when it comes to just taking someone to start a family with. I just feel like its so hard to find a man willing to have kids without a romantic relationship. The only guys open to this are old guys in their 40s to 50s. But i really dont want someond that old

[Opinion Owner]

I totally hear you but please don’t settle and stick yourself dealing with a deadbeat guy. Seriously you cannot put faith in his kind words when you see his situation and has made no moves to fix it. Imagine if he ended up being a deadbeat or just a huge headache of a man to deal with for 18 years, your future child deserves more and loneliness aside, you shouldn’t potentially put them in that position. If you just want a speed donor, you could go through a company or something for that. This route could backfire hugely and just not worth the risk at the cost of someone else’s life.

[molonski2]

I think you have answered your own question , this guy is incapable financially , the only way this could work would be if he were the main care giver for the child , but this guy can't even look after himself , how is he going to look after a child? That being said its possible , but he would be a 5%er , and he sure doesn't sound like that.

This circumstance is filled with risk , I would not be proceeding with this plan if I were you , too many doubts , you will end up with a role that is impossible to keep up with.

[Pinay_ako]

Do you plan to be with him long term? To have him father your kids like a family? Do you see yourself with him in the future with kids running around while you pay for most of the bills?

[Avicenna]

What you have been told is accurate. You do not want to have a kid with this guy,

[SnowedIn]

I guess I'm confused. You say you're not in a relationship but you're considering having a child with him? That doesn't make sense to me unless you want him to be a sperm donor (perfectly legit) in which case it doesn't matter what his financial commitment is.

I guess, I disagree with what you see as the options. Getting past the confuingness about why you want to have the baby with him, I think the clearer path is you work and he takes care of the baby rather than work the job.

But, if that's not an option, then you shouldn't have the baby with him -- not because of the financial piece but because I'm not sure what else he's there for.

The financial piece of raising children (I have four; 2 are adults) isn't that both people contribute financially or not -- it's that the child can be raised in a secure environment: shelter, warmth, clothes, food, smiles, love. So, if you can do that for the baby then that's really all that matters.

[Asker]

you really do not need to be in a romantic relationship with a guy in order to raise kids with warmth, clothes, food and smiles. you just need two happy parents who love their child.

[Asker]

i don't want a sperm donor. i want a co-parent. someone to help me raise the child 50/50

[SnowedIn]

I agree with you completely about the relationship part. I'm just puzzled why you picked this guy. But you answered your own question when you wrote this: "you really do not need to be in a romantic relationship with a guy in order to raise kids with warmth, clothes, food and smiles. you just need two happy parents who love their child." If he can help you raise the child -- with his TIME not money -- then go for it.

I think you're focusing too much on the money part -- unless you couldn't do it financially without him. In which case the answer to your original question is no.

[Asker]

most guys aren't interested in having a baby without marriage or romantic relationship. he was the only few ones i could find that was interested in it. he said he would be a hands on father. but i can't tell if he is being truthful. there are a lot of guys who lie just to have kids, only to do 1/4 of the work of being a parent. if this is the case, i really would be better off as a single mom doing 100% of the work. I don't need a guy like that.

[Asker]

[I think you're focusing too much on the money part -- unless you couldn't do it financially without him. In which case the answer to your original question is no.]

I think you're quite clueless and naive. If I have to work 40 hours a week, I would need to hire a baby sitter. Someone is going to have to pay for one and over many years, it can accumulate to quite a hefty cost. So if HE PAYS me 2000 a month , I might be able to spend less time at work so I can stay home an extra two days a week to care for my kids. OR he can pay for the babysitter.

[Asker]

if he isn't willing to spend his time on the kids, he will need to PAY for a babysitter.

[JustMeL120]

This is such an importsnt decision why you asking opinions about this on this website from complete strengers. There is more to parenting than money. There is also what you gonna teach a kid. And the love you will give.

[Asker]

@JustMeL120

who is gonna take care of the kid while i am working? i can't just leave the kid alone at home. i can't just not pick the kid up from school because i am still working my shift. so im gonna have to hire a babysitter. If the father isn't gonna do it, who is? I can't. I'm not around the kid 24/7

[JustMeL120]

I live in the uk so its not similar to america but isn't there places to keep the kids after school some form of sport club or after school class. Dont you have parents or family to help. Maybe you could think of gettong a different job. Or asking to change shift or maybe you could save up a year or two or get a loan for the first few year until they more independent

[Asker]

@JustMeL120

I dont want my parents taking care of the kid. My parents and i are not on good terms. Other than this i have absolutely nobody.

I am planning on working 12 hour shifts 3 days a week. 36 hours is full time in my profession. Im gonna need someone to cook dinner and out ky kid to bed during these 3 days which i will be working

[JustMeL120]

I think you need to make your decision and not ask random people. If you want kids now and listen to othets you might regret it if take the wrong advice. Honesly women need to have kids we are not fertile forever. Love money and anything material come second. Maybe you coulg give another chance at dating and finiding love but stop asking everyone else about your life its your life.

[Asker]

@JustMeL120

Stop looking at women's limited fertile years as a disadvantage. See it as an advantage. Single women can have kids, Single men can't. As a woman, I can have children any time before my fertile years are over. I'm planning on having children in my early to mid 30s regardless if I can find a husband or not.

And the truth is, 50% of all us marriages end in divorce. This basically results in a situation where the kids typically live with mom while seeing dad once a month. Its really not too far fetched from not having a father.

I have the money. I make almost 100 dollars an hour. But I don't want to lose all my wealth to baby sitters. I also prefer my kids to be taken care by a father than some random stranger

[Asker]

@JustMeL120

Men need wives to make his dream of having kids come true. Women do not need a husband to make her dreams of having kids come true. As a woman, I can pretty much guaranteed children regardless if I am married or not.

I really don't see myself at a disadvantage here. Plenty of single men expect to have kids but never end up having any til the day they die. Just because you have lifelong fertility, it doesn't mean you are going to have any children.

Women have the gift of giving life and it should not be shamed.

[Finchie40]

If he is 30 and he can barely support himself , you are best to keep your legs closed for now because yes you will dig Your own grave on that one , even though money isn’t everything , to settle with someone that can’t really support themselves you are playing with fire , I won’t even get into a relationship with a girl that can’t support herself or have goals to achieving a better income , I want a partner not a mooch , So if you want babies you are best to find someone that has more of their shit together unless you want to live your life scraping by and resenting him for not being much of a provider. Does he have any goals or does he just work a dead end job?

[hinaaaaaa]

Are you looking for someone that would help you 50/50? I can't really say. It seems like he might not be able to help you 50/50 financially. That's up to you if you're fine with it. It sounds like you are financially fit.

This could be something yo talk to him abo. Write out what you each are expecting from eachother if you both decide on having a baby. See if you guys are both able to come to terms with meeting both your needs and wants.

Unfortunately every guy is different. I think you won't really know if he will step up and be a present father or a sometimes father. I have friends who guys may not seem like a good father at first actually turn out to be great fathers and very active in their child's lives. But I also saw a lot of my friends baby daddy's also make very little effort or none at all. So I don't think we can really generalize that all guys aren't active parents.

[Anonymous]

All wise people say don't let other people do your thinking for you.
Those are their opinions. They are a dime a dozen and most of the time rubbish.
This very same guy could get a new, better paying, job next week and these people would suddenly start saying the complete opposite.
Hell my brother, who as went to prison multiple times, can earn 100k/yr at his job if he so desires.
Stop letting them put horrible ideas into your head.
Life doesn't have to be hard. But if you want you can submit to those ideas and let life be hard.

Either you love this man or you don't.

[Asker]

We are not in a relationship. Reread the question

[Paulalove98]

It’s hard raising a child on one income with how expensive everything is even if you are working full time, bills play a factor as well and without that extra income or support it’s super super hard unless of course you have money saved up for quite some time but it’s like what else can he do beside basically be a donor and not contribute? That would be my initial thought and it’s unfair to the child at the end of the day and you if you aren’t getting that support on the other end.

[Paulalove98]

My friend has 2 kids and can’t even afford her own place, she got divorced and had to move back at home, she can’t do it on her own right now, she gets hardly any help from her ex.

[Asker]

I make almost 100 an hour. I would have no problem raising kids. I don't receive welfare nor am I under poverty. I can afford a nanny but its gonna be a huge amount of money that I don't want to spend.

[Adam1978]

It's not about what he earns, it's what the combined family earn, so if you can makeup for what he lacks, you can make him the caretaker of the kid. While you are away earning the money. That is if you both can accept those reversed traditional roles.

[Asker]

I can't make him the caretaker of the kid. he's not my husband. We are not married. He has no legal obligation to do anything i tell him to do. We are under no contract of any sort

[Adam1978]

If he is the father of the kid he will be. That was the question.

[Asker]

I just have some doubt because I remember a long time ago I told him about my plans of having kids with a co-parent. He automatically said he would be interested.
he said " I can afford to give 50 dollars a month, not 100 a month".
Then I said "Im not looking for an ATM, I"m looking for my kids to have a father"
He stayed silent.
I said " I"m looking for someone to split the work 50/50. Otherwise, i really wouldn't need you".
He didn't say anything after that.

1 year later, now he is saying that he is interested in being an hands on father.

But i just couldn't forget the conversation we had a year ago when we first met.

[Asker]

his first reaction to being a father was : " i can afford to send a certain amount of money a month"

thats not something i wanted to hear

Thats why i am doubting he will truly be there for our future kids

[Berethor]

You not in relationship, why you choose him to be the father of your kids? he has blue eyes or something? he has financial problems and you have biological clock problems? men usually don't like it but if you making more money than him then maybe he would agree to be househusband.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stay-at-home_dad

[Asker]

i don't have biological clock problems. if i did, i wouldn't be able to get pregnant right now.

[Berethor]

By biological clock problems I meant that you running out of time, not total infertility.

https://www.yourfertility.org.au/everyone/age

[Asker]

only single men die alone. single women don't have to because we can have kids.

[Berethor]

Single men can hire surrogate, but yea it's harder than using sperm donor services.

[Asker]

hahah your problem is, vast majority of single men can't afford surrogates

[abc3643]

Are you fucking kidding me?
This is a recipe for disaster and the fact that you are out of your 20s and thinking of something like this is disturbing because it shows a fantastic immaturity about the realities of life and interpersonal relationships and their complexities.
I swear, young people are their own worst enemies.

[Jdjfjcjj]

I don't think a logical answer to your question will help you because it goes against your biological imperative to find the man with the best genes to procreate with which is different qualities than those that make for the best relationship.

I think if you're going to do it it would be best if you were we're coming from the mindset that you weren't expecting anything from him and we're simply just using him as a mating partner

[Jdjfjcjj]

I'd also add though that he would be a dumbass to do so if he had no interest in supporting a child even if you stated you were comfortable with that initially.

Legally he would still be responsible in the second something happens that requires his support he'd have no defense

[TheSpaceGnome]

You shouldn't have kids with someone you're not in a romantic relationship with. Kids need a mother and father. And if he can barely provide for himself, he should wait to have kids unless the person he has kids with is wealthy and doesn't need his help abd doesn't care about 50/50.

[Surely]

There is always an exception to any case. I would imagine that you need to expect to be a single mother. Ideally, if he would be the stay at home dad. While you are the wage earner and providing the health insurance for yourself and child. Things might work out!

[Asker]

he says he will be a hands on dad but i don't trust him. I'm not interested in having kids with someone who can't contribute anything

[Surely]

You have just answered your question..
If that is the way you feel about him. Then why give him the chance to impregnate you. Find someone you love and a responsible guy with a good job!
Don’t have a child and then look for someone to help raise it!

[Asker]

just because you are in a relationship or married to a guy, it really does not mean that he will be there for you and the kids. 50% of marriages in the us end in divorce. most of these divorce dads only see their kids once a month while living with mom full time. plenty of married fathers even walk out on their kids.

[Surely]

Agreed. But why do something that you are expecting to fail from the get go?
I have seen guys boasting about how many children they have but not involved with. Why help them reproduce?

[Surely]

Does he even have health insurance or is he on some sort of social program?

[Asker]

i don't know 100% for sure if he is going to be like one of those deadbeat dads. There is a chance he won't be. thats why i am still considering him. i don't really have many other guys interested this

[Asker]

he has health insurance. no social programs.

I just have some doubt because I remember a long time ago I told him about my plans of having kids with a co-parent. He automatically said he would be interested.
he said " I can afford to give 50 dollars a month, not 100 a month".
Then I said "Im not looking for an ATM, I"m looking for my kids to have a father"
He stayed silent.
I said " I"m looking for someone to split the work 50/50. Otherwise, i really wouldn't need you".
He didn't say anything after that.

1 year later, now he is saying that he is interested in being an hands on father.

But i just couldn't forget the conversation we had a year ago when we first met.

[Asker]

his first reaction to being a father was : " i can afford to send a certain amount of money a month"

thats not something i wanted to hear

[Surely]

Ultimately it is your decision whether to have one of your eggs fertilized by this guy. Hopefully whatever you decide is best for your child. Since they will have no choice in this matter.

[Asker]

Often times nobody has a say in what goes in this type of matter. Things happen: break ups, divorces, dad decides to abandon his family. Nobody can predict anything.

[Boromir]

You are not looking for a partner, you’re just looking for sperm to impregnate your egg. Get a sperm donor in stead, also more honest towards this guy. And once you let him go he can focus on getting a better job.

[Asker]

how is he just a sperm donor? he wants to be a father too

[Boromir]

Exactly, he isn’t.

[Asker]

He says he wants to be a father. But you know how men are... you can't ever trust them

[Boromir]

You know, from reading your story, and your explanations, I'm not sure that _he_ is the problem in this situation.

[Asker]

so what is the problem?

[Boromir]

You say man can’t be trusted in general, you have an issue with him gaining less than you… You seem to look down on him for this, or at least it feels like that, do you want a child yourself? Find someone else then with whom it might work out better potentially.

[Asker]

obviously your reading comprehension is lacking.

the problem is not only that he is financially lacking. I can't trust the fact that he will be there for his children as much as he says.

[Asker]

men don't care about their children. it is always the mother that takes care of the children. now he he's nothing to offer financially and then he's not gonna care for his kids?
then he will have nothing to contribute.

[Boromir]

That’s nonsense, there are many single fathers that take good care of their young kids. Your own experience might taint your view. I see otherwise around me, that maybe taints my view but invalidates your generalization about men. Go, find a rich man, have kids with him and he’ll leave you for the babysitter once you’re 10y onward.

[Asker]

I just have some doubt because I remember a long time ago I told him about my plans of having kids with a co-parent. He automatically said he would be interested.
he said " I can afford to give 50 dollars a month, not 100 a month".
Then I said "Im not looking for an ATM, I"m looking for my kids to have a father"
He stayed silent.
I said " I"m looking for someone to split the work 50/50. Otherwise, i really wouldn't need you".
He didn't say anything after that.

1 year later, now he is saying that he is interested in being an hands on father.

But i just couldn't forget the conversation we had a year ago when we first met.

[Asker]

his first reaction to being a father was : " i can afford to send a certain amount of money a month"

thats not something i wanted to hear

Thats why i am doubting he will truly be there for our future kids

[Asker]

I am financially stable. I make almost 100 an hour. But i still dont want to be losing all my money to babysitters or doing every single thing everyday for my kids. I want an easier life for myself thats why i am looking for a man to have kids with rather than simply going to the sperm bank.

[LazerBean]

The whole situation sounds absolutely perfect, if pure wanting to screw your kids up and make their success in life difficult for them to achieve.

[Asker]

how?

[Apple1996]

If you want a kid then yes. Don't hold out till your financially ready cuz most likely that day will never come

[Asker]

i am financially ready. why dont you reread the question?

[midnightmoon05]

Hire a full time nanny. Get a donor.
Raising a child is hard.
Raising a man child is an option that will drive you crazy… then he leaves… so what’s the point.

[exitseven]

Yes, do nto have a kid with this guy. It will not ed well. kids take a lot of time and boatloads of cash. When you bring somebody into the world it is a big commitment.

[EmmaMary]

That would quite simply be a monumental disaster... Period.

[BCRanger10]

If you're not married, you shouldn't have kids.

[Anonymous]

I would say you should, biology cannot and will not wait for money.

Also children are not that expensive, if you have a full time job you should be fine.

[clampfan101]

When I’m married I’m going to want children more than my dream job, but both come in steps. You need to be financially ready and stable before having kids.

[007kingifrit]

men statistically get raises after their kids are born so this problem might fix itself , you should get married though

[Asker]

im not romantically interested in him.

[007kingifrit]

but you're talking about having kids with him? face it, there is no difference

[Asker]

Marriage makes men earn more money, not kids.

[007kingifrit]

uh no, men get raises when they tell the boss they are having kids

[Asker]

men get raises because marriage allows them to work overtime since they have a wife washing their underwear and cooking for them at home. this is why married men live longer than single men BUT married women do not live longer than single women

[007kingifrit]

satificion: the act of coming up with a theory and then assuming it is true with no evidence.

no, men get raises when they have children. it is an overwhelming statistical fact

if you disagree with this simple fact in any way it is because you don't like it, not because it isn't true

[Asker]

you have no evidence yourself. just because you claim something is true, doesn't mean it is true.

[007kingifrit]

no i have evidence, but you shouldn't have asked for evidence www.businessinsider.com/men-earn-more-money-after-having-a-kid-2014-9

you should have just looked it up

[strlb]

I would strongly advise against it. While you're financially stable, what happens when you have the baby? Will he get a job? I know what I would do in your position. Best of luck! DM always open

[OddBeMe]

People tend to get financially ready after certain events. Like buying a house you can’t afford. Seriously, it’s psychological phenom that hopefully will save us from global warming.

[DeanFreed]

Everyone's situation is different.

Why are you looking to this guy.. Your options must be limited?

Is that's your best option so be it.

Just cos you have money isn't the be all and end all.

[HippieVeganJewslim]

If You’re able to support kids alone, yes. You can hire nannies if the guy is not ready to take care of the kids.

[NostalgiaSenpi]

You do realize that life changes so often, that when you're ready, you might not be for long, anyway. Just do it.

[John_Doesnt]

Yes, we need a lot more welfare moms in the world.

[msc545]

Since money and finances are your major concerns I think you should probably marry somebody that's wealthy and forget this guy.

[ThomasDavid1989]

I am not financially ready to be with a girl, but, I also NEVER want kids, so, you just need to decide if you even want kids

[SpudSteer]

Ok this bothers me I’m in his situation ok I’m in between jobs and if he is choosing to be that way then talk too him but if he is actively contributing anything then trust him

[Jamie05rhs]

That's a really fucking dumb idea. Why would you even consider doing something like that?

[Bklynbadboy12]

Hell no that's gonna be a major problem. Unfortunately kids are expensive

[welcomemen]

I would say no

[Sasha0426]

Do whatever you want 🤷‍♀️

[GoingDownSouth]

Having kids with a loser never works out well.

[Anonymous]

Women do it all anyhow.

[fonduegirl]

Oh hell naw

[chicken_nugget24]

Nope 🚩

[KostasKouvalis]

Please don't

[EaterPeter]

Definetly not

[_Ashley__]

No u shouldn't

[Anonymous]

yeah it's true