What’s the best way to start a conversation about getting married with your S. O?

[Anonymous]

Also, when do you think is the right time to start bringing up marriage and getting hitched?

For context: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years, official for 2. We’ve talked about our expectations on what a marriage should be like, when to have kids, how many, who does what, etc. But we’ve both always avoided the topic of whether or not we’re ready to take the next step. I don’t want to pressure him and it seems like neither does he want to put pressure on me. So whenever someone asks us about marriage I usually brush it off by saying “we’re not in a rush, we’ll get married eventually one day.”

I’ve made it clear to my boyfriend that I do want to spend the rest of my life with him but I also told him that we can just take it slow (so as not to pressure him). However, he seemed upset when I responded with my usual “we’re not in a rush” when my aunt asked us about marriage. So that got me thinking, is he ready for the next step and is upset that I still seem nonchalant about it? I want to ask him but I don’t want to come across as me trying to pressure him to put a ring on it lol I need some advice please, thank you!!

[Seinna]

Well, I'm pretty straightforward and with some guys you have to be because they 1) want to string you along or 2) are timid. If you've been together for so long it's no longer "putting pressure" on him. Us women, we have a limited time to make those decisions and you dedicated a lot of it to this guy. You can absolutely put pressure on him now if you want to get married. Seriously, we broke the marriage market by treating men like children and doing everything for them without asking for anything (marriage) in return.

So I'd just say "I'm close to 30 years old and I'm ready for the next step in our relationship. I want marriage and children. I'd like to do this with you, what do you think? If you're still waiting for something better then now is the time to let me know."

Put the pressure on him and if he doesn't want to do it after being with you for years it means he's not truly committed and is still waiting, hoping to meet someone better than you. In that case it's better to leave. He's 1st in your heart, you should be 1st in his.

[Asker]

Thanks so much for the pep talk, much appreciated! We’ve actually discussed marriage and kids and we’re on the same page. The thing is I’m so used to brushing everyone off when they ask me and my boyfriend about when we’re settling down (bc I wasn’t in a rush, but I’ll be 30 soon so my perspective have shifted lol). I think that gave my boyfriend the wrong impression, it seem to got him thinking that he can just cruise along and take it real slow with me. I want to kinda nudge him just as a reminder.

I think I will definitely take your advice and bring up the fact that I’m getting close to being 30 lol One of his close friends has been thinking of getting hitched so I might use that opportunity to also hint at my boyfriend about potentially settling down in a year or two

[IslaTheWitch]

maybe start with clarifying the situation with your aunt. Tell him you noticed he was upset with your answer and if he can share what he felt. It could be a good starting point.

openly saying I'm not in rush because I don't push you could also help a lot. He can't read your mind. So he doesn't know if I'm not in rush means I don't want or I want or not now. Try to communicate in more straightforward way... to avoid assumptions from your partner

[Asker]

That’s a great idea! I had a feeling that my boyfriend might have assumed that I don’t really care much about getting married bcs I’ve always been kinda avoidant about the topic. But I’ve made it clear to him that I do want to get married and start a family with him later down the line. I will definitely bring up the aunt situation to get his perspective on it. Thanks a bunch!

[handsomelad70]

I'd ask them their feelings about starting a family.

[Asker]

@handsomelad70 we’ve discussed about starting a family and the expenses that are to be expected that comes with it lol. We just never really set a timeline/deadline for it tho

[bobby_bush_eater]

Id say be straight up. You've already put time in. I assume you live together and regularly sleep with him, you're giving him wife benefits while being a girlfriend. He has 0 risk and literally no reason to rush, meanwhile you don't get a serious legitimate commitment. I think a straight up approach makes the most sense

[Asker]

We don’t live together bcs I wanted to wait until we’re at least engaged before I can move in. I do want to ask him straight up but I don’t want him thinking that I’m rushing him either because I’m also still not ready lol

[bobby_bush_eater]

It's your life and I obviously don't know the context but you're at a minimum 25 and have been dating basically 3 years... What is rushing it at this point? If you continue to potentially waste time, you'll be wasting some of your prime child bearing years (if you want that). To be noncommittal at this point is rushing nothing in my opinion. You've already had a lot of time and I think your love and fear of him not committing prevents you more than a idea of not wanting to rush him

[Asker]

Yeah if only there’s no such thing as a “prime child bearing age”, I’d probably won’t get married and have kids until I’m well over in my 40s lol. I think I’m worried about rushing him all of a sudden bcs I used to be very laidback and marriage was the last thing in my mind, we’ve talked casually about marriage but never anything serious. But I’m approaching my 30s soon and it got me thinking, it might come across as very sudden to my boyfriend tho

[bobby_bush_eater]

If you don't do it you might get burned in the long run. Maybe not I obviously don't know him but I wouldn't waste time, it's very important for a woman especially

[Asker]

Okay I will get on it then, thanks so much!

[Sameone]

3 years of relationship i think it's early

Most of couples they start thinking about marriage after 5 y of relationship.
But if you really want to be with him. Start showing him videos & pic for kids and mariages couple... (Stuff like that)

[Asker]

We’ve been “involved” with each other for 5 years actually, the first 2 years was just casual but we really got to develop a deep friendship during those times. I don’t want to rush things but I just want to know where he’s at with the whole marriage stuff. Would sending him pics of marriages be too forward tho at this stage?

[Sameone]

Yes.
And how old he is

[Asker]

He’s 33 and I’m 29

[Sameone]

Most of man's start thinking about marriage at 30-35

So u have to give him signal
Or have conversation. Whit his.

[Asker]

Okay I’ll give it a go!

[Sameone]

Good luck 🤞🍀

[Asker]

Thank you so much!!

[dustybiker2]

"I made it clear to my boyfriend I do not want to spend the rest of my life with him"


What are you honestly expecting here then?


If you want to be married don't play games. Be clear you do want to spend the rest of your life with this man. And next time someone asks tell them "I'm ready when he is" and smile at him, genuinely.


That might get the ball rolling...

[dustybiker2]

Okay. I read the quote wrong. Literally just woke up. I take that back.

But yes. Do the blunt public replies and don't push him. This is a lot of pressure on a man already.

[Asker]

No worries it happens to the best of us 😆 . Oh wow “I’m ready when he is” would definitely be my go to response now, thanks! I used to always come across as dismissive whenever I get asked about marriage so I will definitely try a different approach. And you’re right, I don’t want to put any more pressure on him but I just want to sort of remind him that I’m not getting any younger lol. Much appreciated!!

[dustybiker2]

lol You are welcome. Good luck.

[midnightmoon05]

Start having pictures of rings and types of weddings around…go to stores and look at rings.
if both are. It taking the initiative…it will never happen.
also talk about finances, how many kids, how to raise kids…

if he is on the same page… he will be excited… if not… well you know.

[Asker]

We’ve talked about finances and kids, we’re already on the same page on that aspect. But neither of us seem to want to take the initiative of “taking the next step” or even talking about taking the next step lol

Do you think sending him pics of rings and stuff would scare him off? I want to be casual about it

[midnightmoon05]

Sending? Why send pictures?
When is the next time you to go on dates? Or hanging out? Or go on a picnic? Bring along a wedding magazine … he will be curious as well and get that topic started and actively go to the store to look and try on your ring/finger size.

[Asker]

I was thinking of sending him pics from insta lol he knows my ring size already bcs he has wanted to buy me a ring as a gift (not an engagement ring). We’ve talked casually about weddings just never talked about “our” future wedding. I don't know if I should even bring up the topic or wait until he brings it up first tho…

[midnightmoon05]

Go shopping …. one of the MOST important thing in a romantic relationship is communication. If either are communicating… bigger issues will occur.
Also be open and honest about what you want in life. Him as well.
Time to take actions… go in person… did you try on rings in front of him?

[Asker]

I’m not ready to get engaged just yet but I just want to give him the heads up that I want us to take the next step in a year or two so I feel like going ring shopping would be too much right now 😆

[midnightmoon05]

Take your time ring shopping.., you’ll be surprised how much you’ll learn about each other.
And learn to communicate.

[midnightmoon05]

What are you waiting fur?

[Asker]

Okey dokey! I have started looking at engagement rings and it got me excited, he’s also asked about my ring size again so I guess I’ll just ask him straight up to go ring shopping lol

[midnightmoon05]

Perfect!! Exactly my point!! ❤️👍😊… enjoy the journey… ring/diamond shopping was so much fun!!
We had lots of fun shopping for diamonds and learned so much…at the end…we ordered our diamond from online… and got the beautiful setting that truly brought out the beauty of the stone…

[Asker]

Aw yay I’m happy that you got such a beautiful ring!! Thanks for dropping by and helping me out, much appreciated!

[poshspice123]

Don’t brush it off…men aren’t mind readers. If you don’t clarify then he would think you aren’t sure. And it takes a lot of courage to propose to someone. Encourage him. Talk to him.

[Asker]

Yeah I realize my mistake 😬 I gotta change up the way I respond to these marriage questions. Thanks for the advice!

[slatyb]

There's no need for a "best way". Just ask him -- We've been together three years. How would you feel about getting married?

Or you could just propose yourself.

[Asker]

I don’t want a proposal anytime soon, just wanted to see if he’s feeling ready and if we should start preparing for it. I think the “best way” is probably just to straight up ask him though, you’re right. Thank you!

[slatyb]

If you are afraid to bring up important topics, you are not ready to get married.

[Asker]

I am definitely not ready for marriage just yet so I’m not in a rush, just want to start the discussion with him

[ChiTown33]

"Hey, what are you doing for the next 50 or 60 years"?😂

Sorry, if she truly understands me she knows my sense of humor.

[Asker]

Lol this is actually perfect, I’m stealing that from you 😂

[ChiTown33]

Do it! 😁💪👍💯

[Asker]

Thank you by the way, hope you have an awesome night/day!

[ChiTown33]

You as well.

[DreamLife7]

He hasn't asked you to marry him because you're not the one. Stop begging and trying to force him to like you. He doesn't so either leave or shut up

[Asker]

I’m not begging, I’m not planning on getting married anytime soon either. Just wanted some advice on how to start the convo about this so that I can get his perspective on this whole thing without putting pressure on him (since I’m also not ready for marriage just yet).

[DreamLife7]

Obviously if you're asking about a convo to a man who hasn't proposed to you, you're begging. He hasn't proposed to you because he doesn't like you. There's no such thing as pressure when a man likes you. Hint hint, he does my like u. What aren't you getting?

[DreamLife7]

You just sound stupid and keep contradicting yourself.

[Asker]

Okay, thank you for sharing your opinion!

[OddBeMe]

First bring up 1040ez, then say he’d save so much more filing jointly.

[Asker]

I no longer live in the states so that won’t fly 😆

[OddBeMe]

You can file out of country.
(Clicks pen)
When was your last period?

[Asker]

As a wise meme once said “I don’t care who the IRS sends, I am not paying taxes” lol

[OddBeMe]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwSUJM2EyqE

[Booklover_90]

You guys have been together for three years. How much longer do you guys need?

[Asker]

Probably at least another year tbh. I don’t want to get engaged this year but I’ve been really thinking about it more seriously lately, we’ve joked around about it multiple times but never really had a serious discussion about it…

[BarryLiverstone]

Do you want to be engaged this year? Or do you want to wait?

[BarryLiverstone]

If you are ready, then start the conversation now

[Asker]

I don’t really mind either way, I just know I’m not ready to get married this year but I don’t mind getting engaged at the end of the year and married the next. How should I go about starting the convo tho?

[BarryLiverstone]

He’s 33 years old. You aren’t going to scare him more now than in 2 or 5 years. If you are worried he will go away then thats going to happen no matter when he feels the pressure.

But ironically he Does need to feel some pressure or be scared he will lose you because if he doesn’t he will never ask. The best thing you can do is make it clear what your future goals are but also let him know let him know if he’s not serious about marrying you then it’s best you move on. I know you don’t want to play games but if you stay where you are he may not ask as he’s not worried life will exist without you.

When you discussed marriage did you talk about how long the engagement period is and discuss any fears you both have about getting married?

[BarryLiverstone]

https://youtu.be/cVAQ4roppwo?si=p6qe19LaHWsUM5UM

[Asker]

That makes sense, thanks so much for giving me a new perspective!

We did, we’ve talked about expectations and fears and all that. Just never go to the topic of “when’s the right time”. I have a feeling that he’s been thinking a lot about it lately, it’s causing him a lot of stress. He’s mentioned that he’s worried that he won’t be able to spoil me financially (he wants me to be a housewife), I’ve told him that I don’t mind working but he’s insisting on wanting to be the sole provider. We’re both pretty traditional but also flexible on that aspect though. I want to start casually pressure him to start really thinking about the next step but I don’t know how to go about it…

Should I just ask him straight up? Maybe ask him whether or not he’s feeling ready?

[BarryLiverstone]

If you both want him to be the provider and live that life style then you agree you are not yet ready to marry. However he can still propose this year and you can have a longer engagement.

How does money work now? Do you both work and live together?

[BarryLiverstone]

Regarding him wanting to spoil you. Ask him a practical question: if you are married with kids and he loses his job, would he be ok with you working to help with the finances? I get he’s talking about dreams but at some point he needs to be practical and consider the real world

[Asker]

Money’s not bad. He’s already making enough to support the both of us, plus he owns a small house (already paid off). We don’t live together, I still rent but I also have my own income (not as much as his but enough to support myself).

He said he’s okay with me working but we both came from pretty well off families so I guess he has high expectations for himself and he wants to be able to provide that for me as well. We don’t ask for help from our families either. I’ve also stated that I don’t mind living “low key”, I much prefer that honestly but he’s insisting on “spoiling” me and he said he has a goal in mind of how much he should be making to “spoil” me before he feels ready so I don't know

[BarryLiverstone]

Then I’d say there is nothing preventing him from proposing. Once you get engaged you can move into his house and stop paying rent. Keep working and that will help him save up his “spoil” fund.

Ya, go ahead and talk to him in April. Let him know you really want to be in his life and it’s better to live together and be engaged than live apart. That you know he loves you and you don’t need the perfect proposal. And that you are ready to start the next part of life. If he seems resistant then react and be supportive. Remind him that you already are spoiled just being his girlfriend.

[BarryLiverstone]

by the way the reason why he hasn’t asked yet is that both sets of parents are well off. In his mind he’s gotta be able to provide for you as both men currently (both dads) provide for their families. That’s not practical. Ask each set of parents what their life was like before getting married and that’s a better comparison than the “spoiling” he’s talking about

[Asker]

Do you think moving in together before getting engaged would be a good idea or should we wait until after he’s popped the question? I think I might actually bring up the idea of us moving in together and I’ll steer the convo towards getting engaged while I’m at it lol

[Asker]

That’s a good point that you brought up! He has told me that he’s a bit insecure about what my dad would think about how much he’s currently making. I’ve assured him that my dad won’t judge him based on that, my dad has also told me that he knows I’m in good hands with my boyfriend taking care of me. But my boyfriend still feels like he’s not good enough. Both my parents approve of my boyfriend and my boyfriend is loved by everyone in my family, even my extended family. My bf’s mom and siblings also all approved of me and is very welcoming of me (his dad is no longer in the picture tho so I’ve never met the man in person).

[BarryLiverstone]

Yes. I know others argue that it’s better to be married before living together. But many times that’s because the love birds are in their early 20s and are still living at home. You are both adults so you are already living on your own. It’s just better financially to share bills and if you are engaged even better.

Again prepare for pushback as he likely enjoys the freedom he has with his own house. If he does then suggest a 2 week trial run this summer. And in those two weeks give him space when he needs it but tbh lots of sex and cooking/cleaning so he sees how wonderful life could be when married. Your call..

[BarryLiverstone]

If his dad isn’t in the picture that makes more sense as it adds to the pressure he feels. As a guy he wants be the hero and succeed where his dad “failed”.. (even if it’s only by perception his dad failed). That’s def a part of his hesitation.

[Asker]

We’ve discussed about needing personal space when/if we end up living together. We agreed that I’ll take the study room as my escape room and he’ll take the other room so we got that covered. His baby brother is also currently crashing at his place until he graduates college so I’m waiting until he’s settled and moved out to consider moving in. A trial run might be a good idea though! I will definitely bring that up with him

[BarryLiverstone]

Ok good luck. Yup I knew it. he's already taking on that “hero” role by letting his brother crash ( i assume not pay rent). Trial run when the brother is on break and be his pre-wife :)

[Asker]

I can understand that he might be feeling that way. I guess that explains why he has such a high expectation for himself bcs he wants to do better than his dad. He told me he feels responsible for me financially and also for my happiness (when we do get married) maybe bcs he feels that his dad wasn’t able to give him that. He lived a comfortable life but his dad was very conditional with his money.

[BarryLiverstone]

Right. But a gentle reminder that once you move in and can be a housewife; that will only benefit both of you. You will take over cooking and cleaning and taking care of him. Leaves him more time to work and rest and make even more money. Two people are better than one and so many successful CEOs are that way today because their partners work with them at home

[Asker]

Yes I already clean up and take care of household chores whenever I stay over at his place. I’ve asked him to teach me how to cook his eggs and all that bcs he’s very specific with the way he likes food to be cooked. I’m ready to take on that responsibility for sure!

But anyway, thank you so much for all the insight, this gave me so much clarity, you’re awesome and have been super helpful!! Hope you have a wonderful night/day, stay awesome.

[BarryLiverstone]

Ty, God bless. Feel free to follow me and give me updates

[Luckycharms12]

Date then live together if that all goes good tben naturally it will come up

[Asker]

Do you think living together before getting engaged is a good idea tho?

[Luckycharms12]

Yes of course. Get to see the person in real life stress bills highs, lows. Really tell you if you want this person for the rest of your life.

[Asker]

Yeah I agree, I’ll definitely try to have this discussion with him. Thanks so much for the advice!

[Luckycharms12]

No problem