I want to ask her to marry me. Too soon?

[Anonymous]

I have been with my girlfriend for about 5 months now. And I want to ask her to marry me. But, I'm afraid it might be too soon. I've heard of people getting married after being together for this amount of time, but at the same time, I don't wanna freak her out by dropping the marriage bomb so soon. I'm afraid that if she does say no, simply because it's too soon, it might have a bad effect on the relationship.

Any opinions? I have had girlfriends in the past, but this relationship is different. I am genuinely in love with her, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. This is the only girl I have ever felt this way about. I don't want to screw this up.

Updates

+1 y

Hmm... what about a promise ring? That's a good start, right? I mean... it seems a little childish to me, but we are both fairly young (college age) so it wouldn't be too odd, would it?

[chrise1004]

Wow, your question is like Dejavu for me, I was in the same position 10 years ago. OK, here is my take on it. First thing is that you shouldn't rush the idea of marriage, I am now at 33 a firm believer in an extended dating relationship. Dating, especially seriously, allows you to figure out all those things that become much more important later on in life. And let me tell you from both my experiences and those that have been relayed to me by all my friends in their young 30's, both male and female friends. You will be a completely different person in the next 5 to 10 year time frame, and so will she. And when two people evolve and grow into themselves, they often times grow right out of love with each other. Marriage is a novel concept at your age, a very Hollywood 'esque cinematic idea with loads of romantic ideas that often do not play out well in reality at your age. And please realize that by referencing your age, I am in no way speaking down to you or trying to marginalize your experiences or maturity. It is almost like I'm looking at the ghost of my past wishing that someone had given me this advice. If you love her, which I have no doubts that you currently do, then please be content to love her outside of the stress and bond of marriage. If that love continues to survive and thrive, any future proposal and marriage will be that much better for it.

One suggestion I have is to sit down with a pen and paper and take stock of your entire relationship. Write down all of your hobbies and all of hers, and see where they match. Ask those tough questions as time passes. Religion, family ties, children, hobbies, separate and shared social lives...these are all very important to a successful and thriving marriage. And speaking from my own hard knocks experience, anything less than years together will do little to answer these types of questions. You are still enjoying the honeymoon phase, the newness of the relationship and the love. At some point, this phase will begin to fade and expose the foundation of the relationship, the core commitment you will have for each other, the mutual respect. Some people, like myself, have the honeymoon fade away to expose little more than a set of memories that are very fond to reflect on but do little to support the long term of the relationship. Any problems that you have, no matter how minor, will be amplified like a loudspeaker over a sports field and echo all around. If she thinks it is cute that you throw your clothes around the room after work, she may fillet you like a fish for doing it down the road. Now, take all of that with a grain of salt as just my experiences and those of my close circle of friends that married under similar circumstances.

No matter what you decide I wish you well, always happy to help if I can down the road :)

[Asker]

Thanks. I'm not trying to contradict your advice, because I really intend to take it to heart, but I gotta say, although it hasn't exactly been a long relationship, I beleive the honeymoon phase has passed already for us. We have gotten to that point, and we still have a good relationship. Honestly, due to the combination of our personalities, that honeymoon phase never really seemed to come in the first place, lol.

But I do understand that we will change as we grow older. Thanks.

[thatssotera]

I've been in relationships where at five months I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person, and then five months after that I realize that I was wrong and I actually didn't know a lot of stuff that this person was keeping from me. I'm not saying that you should wait, though, because it might be totally different in your case. Just personally, I have been through a lot of failed relationships that have lasted a long time, and then we just became very different people, or I found out things that were pretty essential that I hadn't been told previously. I know I have the pessimistic side of things, but this is how my life has gone.

I think a good question to ask is, what would she have to do to get you to break up with her, what could you forgive her for, do you want to live with her the rest of your life? Also, would she do those things, ever, does she understand what those things are? Also, are you going to have to move to another part of the country or the world? Do your life goals mix? Do you agree on children? Do you handle fights well (i.e. reasoning and making changes, as opposed to throwing fits or avoiding arguments)? How quickly do your lives and opinions change?

[Asker]

We have had a fairly short relationship, but in that time, we've had our share of fights and problems. We handle it well, and made up each time. But due to that, we no longer have any real problems or secrets from one another, it's all out in the open. I can't think of any thing that I couldn't forgive her for (if she is sorry for it, of course). And we already know our hobbys and life goals, and both of those coincide well together.

[thatssotera]

Sounds good :) Like somebody else said, you can talk to her about it. You don't have to drop the bomb as far as pulling out a ring goes, just talk to her about it.

[thelittlethings]

Talk to her about it. I think you should wait until at least the year mark to be asking her to marry you. But talk to her about it and see if she feels the same so you know if you're on the same page. If a guy asked me at 5 months I would be running. That's too soon. And I am not saying you don't love her, because I am sure you do, but just give it some time. Everything does better when it's planned out and not rushed. Wouldn't you prefer to wait another year and have the relationship work out better than to do it now and have it all come crashing down? There are steps before marriage and they need to be taken slowly. I have been with my guy for 11 months and I am sure I will spend forever with him. We have already decided we are getting married but we are still taking things slow. I would be ok with being engaged after a year, but I want to be engaged for at least a year before getting married. Marriage is more than just two people being together, you get all the financial, responsibility, job stability, maturity, etc. issues with the marriage. When it's just a relationship it's just the two of you. Adding marriage is adding a lot more than most people realize so give it time.

[Seraphic]

The best solution I think is to not ask for marriage at this moment in time, it may be far too soon for any average commitment, especially after the period of only 5 months.

Perhaps ask her if she would like the idea of getting Engaged first, if she is comfortable with this request, she will explain to you how she feels and what she would like to do.

You feel very strongly about her to want to become a married couple, but it seems as though you are unsure if she feels the same way as you do, from the fear of knowing she has a chance of saying ''No.''

Engagement is a way for both of you to observe how the relationship is over a certain amount of time, before getting married.

If your relationship is perfect and going well so far, then engagement is the next step towards being married and ensuring both of you are comfortable with the relationship.

I'd say try this out first and if she does not want to at this moment in time, keep working on the relationship together and give her more time to decide and think about further commitment.

All the best.

[Asker]

I like that idea of getting Engaged as a way to test the waters. Thanks.

Also, for the record.... I am unsure about EVERYTHING I do, it's just my nature. So me being worried that she might say "no" is just a natural thing for me, it doesn't really show how we feel about each other. Heck, when we were going to have our first kiss, I was afraid she'd say no, even though the day before, she had flat out told me she wanted to kiss me. lol

[Anonymous]

I would say that it is way to soon. Yes fair enough you are in love with her but 5 months is not very long and you are still learning about each other and in a way are still quite new to each other.

If you do it now I think you will scare her away and will also regret it further down the line. Marriage can change a relationship and affects a lot of people/

For now, just show her and tell her how much you love her in other ways, spend lots of time togehter finding out things. Have fun, enjoy it and don't force things to happen. I would say give it another 6 months or use it as a surprise for your one year annaversery.

You are still quite young at the moment so you have plenty of time for marriage.