On this Take, I’m putting a lot of myself out here, even pictures of myself, but as I’ll say in this Take, I’m now a much braver, do-what-I-want person. The picture above is just some random reunion pic.
High school was not a fun time for me, it was more like a long prison sentence. It wasn’t the high school itself, or even the other students, it was primarily ME. I had a very jacked-up life growing up, and I was full of anxiety, was ugly and skinny, very socially backward, had very few friends, and was just very withdrawn and depressed. I didn’t do ANYTHING in high school, other than show up, do my homework, take tests, and pass on to the next grade. There were various bullies to deal with or avoid, and girls, who at best, just ignored me, or at worst, made fun of me. I didn’t even talk to girls, because I didn’t really know what to say to them, and I was also simply afraid of them. Of course, since I wasn’t chasing after girls, I was assumed to be gay. Another insult to dump on me. That whole time period was just simply, very dark.
That’s me, in my ’74 yearbook. I was nothing to look at, and behind those eyes was a lot of pain, fear, and depression.
A couple of years after graduation, I got a new job, moved to another part of the state, did a lot of growing up, learned and did things, and became comfortable within myself. It all gave me a feeling of accomplishment and self-confidence. Girls were no longer to be feared, and I talked with them, became friends with some of them, and eventually married one of them and had two daughters with her. It took many years, but I had become a very different person than I was in high school, and a much more positive one.
This is me, around 2014 or 2015. I’m still not much to look at, but I’ve bulked up about 22KG (around 50 pounds), most of it in muscle. Overall, I’m in fairly good shape for my age. The inside is different, too. There’s a lot more confidence, and a lot more calm and peace within myself. A vast improvement on the ’74 model.
Something like 40 years had gone by, and for some reason, I began to feel the desire to reconnect with my old high school classmates. It was kind of odd, since I never did anything with them, and they probably wouldn’t even know who I was if I showed up at a reunion. I started by looking up my old class (1974) online. There was a website where I could register as an alumni. I graduated with a huge class, something like 950, but I found that only a fraction of them actually registered as an alumni. There were various notes about how so-and-so was trying to find whatever information they could find on so-and-so. I felt that I could help, so I put some information out there about myself, and what I had been doing all these years. Maybe somebody will email me back eventually.
The bigger question is, how do I feel about going to a reunion? Would they be assholes? Would they just ignore me? Would they even know or care who I was? I had noticed an old YouTube video out there on our 40th year reunion (2014). It was fascinating to watch, and I felt like some kind of voyeur watching late-50-somethings that I had once known as teenagers. Some of them still looked pretty good. Others, not so good. One woman, who was huge, had a name tag I recognized. I thought, “Wow, look what happened to HER! She was quite a cute honey 40 years ago.” Still, she seemed to be happy, and seemed to be having a fun time with everybody. I also recognized a guy who was an asshole from back in the day, and wondered, “Is he different? Has he changed for the better?” I’ll never know from just watching the video.
At the end of the video, it showed 3 votive candles on a table, and on the wall right behind the candles was a big sheet of paper with a list of names. I assume those names were the deceased?
That was the 40th. I presume there’ll be a 45th? That’ll be in another year or two. Should I go? Do I even WANT to go? I don’t know. Do I really want to open that door, and if I do, will I like what’s on the other side? I might end up being uncomfortable, and having a miserable time. On the other hand, there might be some healing of some old wounds. It might be a chance to know some people that I should have known a long time ago, and maybe even make a new host of friends. I’m not that scared nerd of 45 years ago, and I’m sure they’ve changed, too. It might even be a lot of fun!
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