I moved to another country to get away from the bullying from my parents and from my "peers". I feel at peace knowing I don't have to wake up and deal with that and I feel more in control than I've ever been. The only thing is, my chronic depression is getting worse.
I find myself isolating away from people and sometimes even feeling like I'm in a fever dream. Things don't feel real, and I just want to die but something inside me is stopping me from taking my own life.
I feel too empty and I even question if all this hard work is even worth it (which I know it will pay off hopefully, but it will take time).
Every day I have to study at least an hour and a half a day to catch up on school, I'm the dumbest person in my class and failure is evident. Even my tutors seem to have lost hope and they've only worked with me for no more than a day lol.
I just wish I never had been born, then all my troubles would have never existed. I just want to die.
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3Opinion
I hear you!
Trust me, you are not going through these because you are weak, you were just strong for too long!
I left home at 20 to join the Army... all the you feel now is normal, everyone goes through this.
But believe me, hard work is always worth it and never goes unpaid.
Once you just have a clear vision of your dream and start grinding day in and day out , the discipline helps you forget everything ... discipline gives you freedom!
Also you won't believe how much talking openly with a trusted person helps... you would feel like you just put down a heavy load after carrying it for too long... it may be a friend or there are a lot of expert counselors who can heal you with their extraordinary support!
Keep punching!
Stop being dramatic.
If you actually wanted to die, you wouldn't be posting that, you would just off yourself.
What you really want is a passion/hobby to hone, and for someone to care about YOU and not what they EXPECT of you.
You need to find those things, you can't fix this with meds or isolation or self pitty, you need to socialize and find your joy in life.
I actually do want to die, and it is true I want someone to care about me but it's impossible. And every time I go out of my way to socialize, it feels like people are forcing themselves to talk to me. I have no passion for living and I don't want a hobby because I feel it is pointless. I've done all of those things before, and it just led me back to where I started but ten times worse.
If you want someone to care about you, then you don't want to die, because if you're dead then you won't exist to experience that. Liklihoods do not matter, success in life requires doing something to circumvent bad odds for most people.
The point of hobbies IS pointless fun, not everything needs to have a purpose to it, and you have no passion because you have the contrary stuck in your head
If you don't pointless fun your priority, then life itself becomes pointless.
if you don't make*
get on meds for depression