With the rise of online dating as an extremely (and surprising) form of meeting potential partners, it follows that long distance relationships are, as well, becoming more popular. For anyone who’s been in one or a few, it can seem amazing and frustrating all at once. On the one hand, you’ve met someone you match with better than you ever thought you could, but on the other you will likely never meet them in person and, if you do, it will probably be years before you’re living in the same city and, if you are, would it even work the same? Still going on that trip after months of talking on the phone and video chatting can be very exciting, but the question inevitably comes—is this worth it? And what about physical needs? Well, instead of weighing pros and cons, let’s consider what makes long distance relationships appealing to some and how knowing this can inform our dating life with people in our own area code.
No sexual pressure
For women, this is obvious. They don’t feel the fear that you are playing the game to get them into bed because if you were you’d be a damn fool or just insanely patient. This causes a girl not to judge a guy as harsh and to take his words in with more trust that he’s sincere. For men, there is much of a less of a pressure to “perform.” A girl that you live a town over from can give him a great Friday night at the end of the week. This gives him an agenda whether he wants one or not. He knows what’s at stake if he succeeds. He knows what he’ll lose if he fails.
“Exotic” State of Mind
When you meet someone who lives far from you there’s a bias to ascribe exotic features to their personality. They exist “in a different world” it feels. Even learning about a boring state is suddenly exciting if the girl you’ve been talking to months lives there. What’s not noticed, however, is that you probably wouldn’t think of them “living in a different world” if they didn’t come from someplace far away, which suggests that it’s not really about their personalities at all, but a fantasy you’ve come up with in your head. Personalities and life experiences that differ from your own come from all around you, but you likely tend to ignore these and on some unconscious level assume they’re mostly the same.
We Need an Obstacle
We tend not to value things that don’t come with hard work. Things don’t usually require hard work if there’s no obstacle set in the path be it resources, competition, or a mere matter of not enough time. We put a long distance connection on a pedestal because of the incredibly obstacle standing between us. It allows a mind to fantasize and it allows a heart to feel like it’s “earned it” by overcoming something like distance and finding love despite it.
So what does this mean? It means that the joy of a long distance relationship is more a creation of the mind than far away people really being that much better than people around you. It means that if you become less outcome dependent on getting the girl and be as relaxed as you are as if she lived thousands of miles a way you’d have a much easier time being that self you are with the long distance relationship that “feels so much easier.” And girls, if you gave a good guy that benefit you’d give him if he were thousands of miles away maybe you wouldn’t scare him off or get him feeling like you’re rejecting him when really you’re just cautious. If you learn to value others around you more and if you realize that not all love requires obstacles you might have that same powerful connection you have with that guy across the country.
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