This is largely a story about recent events in my life. It includes several of my decisions that have lead to serious regrets. Hopefully it will help some people learn from my mistakes and avoid falling into them as well.
(I will not be giving any real names)
My Story
This started several months ago. I got back in touch with an old friend from my fencing class. She was a sweet girl and at one point I'd had a crush on her. I didn't realize this then, but even while she was in a relationship with another guy (who for the record was generally manipulative, had lying/stalking tendencies) she had a crush on me. I ended up being the one she'd talk to any time she had an anxiety attack from her boyfriend or just... in general. We stayed up for hours at night simply talking and she seemed like the sweetest, kindest, and most poor soul I'd ever met.
I wanted so badly to make all the pain go away and to help her recover. One night she nearly left me and this world behind, but survived thanks to the mercy of God and a dull razor that wouldn't cut. It wasn't long after that she broke off the last of her communication with her old boyfriend and we started hanging out in person, having intimate conversations and just being there for each other in our struggles. She was beautiful, and I loved her. We weren't in a relationship initially, but eventually that's what it became. 
We spent as much time talking to each other as possible to the point where I neglected much of my school, and all but completely gave up my free time. Even so... I was happy. She was happy. She wasn't having anxiety attacks and she radiated with hope.
Now, my parents have always been fairly conservative... they've also always been much wiser than me. They've never wanted me to have a girlfriend until I'm truly mature enough to be married and raise a family (a sentiment in which I've since joined them). Knowing that they wouldn't approve of the relationship, I never told them. I was afraid of what they'd say, and that they'd try to pull us apart. If they did I'd intended to stay by her side even if it meant estranging myself from my parents. This is the first of my regrets.
We began meeting for short periods of time after my classes at the college I duel enrolled in. We spent a lot of time talking, making out, and just generally enjoying each other. Then one week, my parents were leaving town to visit my sister and her husband. Through many mixed motives, starting with a desire for security, and craving peace of mind, I proposed to my girlfriend that we get married. I'm under age to be getting an official marriage license so it was nothing more than writing and saying vows to each other in the park. Tuesday, October 3rd, I picked her up, we went to the park and said our vows. And... in our eyes... we were married.
From there we went back to my place and had sex. This happened several more times that week until my parents got back. Even after that we still met at the campus, and would have sex in the back of her car before I had to go home. Everything seemed great with the exception of our desire to be together more often, whilst still keeping the secret of our marriage from my parents.
As the weeks went by, I wanted to spend more and more time with her that I couldn't spend, and likewise she wanted more time from me than I was able to give her. Eventually we decided I had to tell my parents, and we thought they'd be willing to honor our "marriage." They weren't.
My parents and I debated the issue for days. My girlfriend kept telling me to stay strong and that it would all be worth it. And I whole heartedly believed her. She said no matter what she'd never change her mind that what we had was legitimate. I had run out of ways to hold my own in the argument, and one day my girlfriend messaged me to say her parents agreed with mine... and yet the way she said it sounded as though she agreed too. With that we released each other from our vows and in my mind we were no longer married.
It didn't take long for me to realize she only did it because she saw that I was being torn apart by it all. She still saw us as married and she still wanted me to be there for her in ways that I couldn't. We tried to maintain the relationship without calling it marriage for several more weeks. We talked whenever we could but... it got harder and harder each time. When I heard my phone go off it began to be a source of anxiety. What was I going to say wrong that would hurt/upset her? What was going to happen that would cause conflict? Of course we always managed to resolve it by the end of the conversation but... we kept picking at each other.
Every time we'd just have so much conflict that neither of us could seem to control. It wasn't that we didn't love each other but... in the past we'd been too much in love. Eventually I broke off the relationship. Only recently has she forgiven me for everything that happened and the friendship is slowly beginning to heal. But there are several things I came to realize over the course of that relationship.
What I took from this.
When I first began hanging out with my girlfriend I thought she was awesome. No matter how hard the topic of debate was we could discuss it civilly and we each seemed willing to be wrong. She never seemed offended about anything and she felt like a person I could talk to freely about all the things I'd always felt I could never say out loud/near my family. It was awesome.
We fell in love so quickly as time went on. It didn't take long to become blind to her faults. I thought she was perfect the way she was. In one sense I wasn't wrong in that, and yet she wasn't good for me. The way we interacted were great for a while, but once we started to idealize each other... things fell apart. We fell in love so quickly that we weren't even capable of taking a couple steps back to look at the relationship.
I was the best boyfriend she'd ever had. Not saying much as most of her boyfriends used her as a sex slave and as a status symbol without ever showing her a sincere love/care for her. Because I was so different from all the other guys she thought I had to be the one, the only one for her. That I was that once in a lifetime fairy tale prince for her. And I entertained those ideas. I thought she was the one as well. And yet I didn't take a step back to understand why we might NOT have been compatible.
In terms of her as a person, I still must say she was great. She was beautiful, kindhearted, forgiving, and just... awesome. And yet even now I don't think we would have worked well. We didn't do a lot to compliment each other, besides the fact that we were willing to debate and build each other up in that way. There were some ways we improved each other but neither of us were truly ready for the commitment. Not for fear of it, but for lack of readiness. 
I've since learned this as a simple truth... that "falling in love" and infatuation are the same thing. They almost never feel the exact same twice in a row... but they almost always happen to any intimate couple. The thing about falling in love is that it turns off the logic centers in your brain. It makes you see the best and only the best in a person. You see their imperfections as ways in which they are perfect for you. You see their character flaws as insignificant or forgivable, in fact you are quick to forgive no matter what happens. And you fall deeper and deeper in love until it stops. As a psychological condition, being "in love" is something that can last up to 12-18 months. The thing is... once it wears off you see the flaws. Once it wears off you see all the things you wish were different in a person.
To sum it up... these are my regrets:
- That I was too afraid to talk to my parents about everything going on at first. Had I done so I might have spared the two of us so much heartache.
- That I lied so many times about what I was doing and felt the need to sneak around in the relationship.
- That I had sex with her. The human body creates bonding hormones during sex and causes emotional bonds between people. I can only imagine how much harder the break up was because of it.
- That I let everything happen so quickly without ever guarding my heart from what might have happened. I didn't love her enough to spare her a relationship that was so likely to end. Neither of us were mature enough for it, and I knew I was at a stage in my life where I couldn't make her my priority, and yet I promised to make her just that.
- I regret telling her I'd never leave her until the day I die... for making promises I couldn't keep... for breaking her trust and lying to her.
- I regret falling in love.
To anyone considering a relationship... please please please... guard your heart against falling in love. If you can't take the person and accept them without being infatuated, without being overcome by a feeling of romance... they aren't the person for you. Being in love is temporary, and it ends all too soon. Please love the person you're interested in enough that you will wait to fall in love with them. Please learn from my mistakes and please don't fall into them yourself. Let this be a warning sign to anyone interested in a relationship. It's such a dangerous thing falling in love at the wrong time. If you're whole heartedly in a committed relationship and intend for it to be that way for the rest of your lives... by all means fall in love, and enjoy every aspect of your parter for as long as you can. Have an amazing spectacular and wondrous life. And for those who aren't there yet. Enjoy life... take your time, be watchful, and observant. Don't let your brain turn off, and learn about who the person really is without your rose tinted glasses. To everyone reading this, Merry Christmas. I hope you all have an amazing life.
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