Relationships

"I Found the One Whom My Soul Loves"- A Biblical Perspective on Romantic Relationships

Prologue

I have been a GaG user for quite some time. It was interesting see every sort of question pop up from people all over the world. As much as I was fascinated by the concern and empathy filled opinions being filled in by wonderful people, I was also distressed by certain opinions that made mockery of the situation, answers that didn't help the asker but even made him/her feel more helpless. If the questions contained some elements of spirituality also, then the response were not given in the same perspective but they were mostly flooded with ignorant ones. This was particularly evident in the case questions that sought for advises regarding troubles in dating, relationships, marriages and family life.

Hence, I was inspired to write a myTake on Romantic Relationship within a Biblical Perspective and help those who wish to have an insight in this way. Everyone is free to agree or disagree but a disclaimer is issued that this is purely based on Grounds of Morality and Spirituality and derives much content from a Biblical View.

Relationships

The Bible does say about relationship at different levels and gives characteristics of each one of them. There's Parent-child relationship, Sibling relationship, Friendship etc.

One kind of relationship the Bible describes is friendship.

Proverbs gives several characteristics of friends and friendships. Prov.17: 17 says, “A friend loves at all times.” Prov.18: 24 says, “There is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.” Prov.27: 6 says, “When a friend rebukes you, that rebuke can be trusted.” Prov.27: 9 says, “The pleasantness of having a friend springs from his earnest counsel.” Prov.27: 10 says, “Do not forsake your friend.” These verses bring out the fact that the Lord blesses friendship and encourages us to develop them. Friendship involves three fundamental elements, commitment to fulfill the responsibility of a friend, care and concern for the welfare of your friend, and affection. The word "friend" means someone you like who also likes you. The extent of love in a real friendship and for that sake in any relationship is sacrifice. Not taking others life but giving own life for others. As Jesus said,"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." (John 15:13)

A second kind of relationship is “brother-sister in Christ.”

If we have accepted Christ as our Savior we have become children of God. God is our Father and other Christians are our brothers and sisters in Christ. We should treat other Christians as such. Our Father deeply loves and desires that we show love to each other, that is seek each other's highest spiritual good. 1 John 3: 1 says, "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" Gal.5: 13 says, “Rather serve one another in love.” Heb.10: 24 says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” God desires that we serve one another in love by giving of ourselves to help each other grow in Christ as fellow-believers. This love is based on our relationship with Christ. We are commanded in the Scriptures to show love to all believers. Christian brothers and sisters are necessary part of our lives. The fellowship and communion gives us courage and strength in times of peril.

A third relationship God describes in the Bible is marriage.

Marriage is a relationship between a man and a woman that binds them together for life. Gen.2:24 says, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." This verse tells us that marriage involves the husband and wife severing ties of intimate relationships with parents to cleave to each other. It involves coming together into a permanent bond of unity. It means becoming physically intimate with each other as one flesh. Marriage involves three elements, commitment, care and concern, and emotion. When a Christian marries he or she is making a commitment to fulfill the responsibility God ordains for the husband or wife to fulfill. He or she is making a commitment to have care and concern for the spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental welfare of his or her marriage partner. It also involves the joy of romantic desire/attraction and intimacy and sexual desire/attraction and intimacy.

Each of these three relationships have two common characteristics, a commitment to the responsibilities of that particular kind of relationship and a genuine care and concern for the other person in a particular kind of relationship. Friendship and marriage have a third characteristic - affection and attraction, although the nature of the affection and attraction is different.

Dating In Today's World

"Dating" is not a relationship, it is a method people employ in our culture to get to know others of the opposite sex that was not employed in Biblical times. The Bible does not talk about "dating," but it does talk about relationships and what are its characteristics as we have seen above. That doesn’t rule out dating from the concern of a Christian while pursuing a relationship. As of 2018, dating has gone from being Classical Dinner Date to Blind Dates backed by digital platforms and apps, majority of which are for casual hook-up. There are instances where married people commit ‘Infidelity’ by means of these apps. In this age, do people who stick to ‘Old World’ Principles, have any hope to pursue a good relationship through means of dating? Yes, indeed.

The Issue Of Dating

The issue of dating involves "romantic attraction and desire." Therefore "dating" must be approached by what the Scripture says regarding romantic desire and marriage, the only relationship in which romantic desire is to be fully expressed. who are engaged should also go out on dates with their betrothed partners and get to know more about each other in a healthy way. Bigger packages can be better reserved for times after a proper Wedding in the presence of GOD and his people.

What about a romantic relationship without moving toward marriage?

Isn't there another kind of relationship described in Scripture where a man and woman can share romantic intimacy with some physical intimacy without moving toward marriage? No. This kind of relationship does not exist in the Scriptures. What is the difference between romantic desire and romantic intimacy? Romantic desire and attraction is the feeling and desire one has when he or she is attracted to someone of the opposite sex. Romantic intimacy is when those desires are expressed and shared with someone else with the same desires through dating experiences that develop a romantic closeness usually with some physical intimacy expressed. Where does romantic intimacy fit into these relationships God has described? The purpose for romantic intimacy and romantic expression is for marriage and that is where it is to come into full bloom. Why? Romantic intimacy involves the most fragile part of our being - our hearts. Once our feelings are expressed and shared, the deepest part of us becomes vulnerable to another.

What is a "date"?

I have chosen to use the term "dating" and redefine it rather than not using the term and using a phrase such as "spending time together" because the term "dating" is such a powerful one in our culture which needs to be dealt with. I define dating in two ways depending on the purpose and focus of the time together. The first is “relationship dating” where two people of the opposite sex who are attracted to each other (romantic desire) get together with the focus on getting to know each other to build a solid relationship without involvement in romantic intimacy. The second is romantic dating where two people of the opposite sex who are attracted to each other (romantic desire) get together with the focus on building romantic intimacy with each other and also getting to know each other.

Which of these two fits within the Biblical Guidelines? The kind of relationship where you focus on getting to know each other as you would in a friendship, which I call “Relationship Dating.” Two people who are attracted to each other should develop and maintain a friendship-type relationship and be careful at first not to focus on their attraction and romantic desire and allow it to drive their relationship. They should focus on getting to know each other and relating together in a healthy way, giving their relationship time to develop and themselves time to grow in their care and concern for each other. They should spend time together in activities that promote them getting to know each other and enjoying each other as friends rather than activities that fuel their romantic desires and/or express them. They drive their relationship by their mutual care and concern for each other rather than their romantic feelings for each other.

The Primus Rule in Dating

The first rule in dating is the first rule in all of life:

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” (Mark 12:30).

You will not truly love anyone else if you do not love God first and most. And no one will truly love you if they do not love God more than they love you.

If our heart is not there — if our soul is not already safe through faith, if our mind is distracted and focused on other, lesser things, if our best strength is being spent on the things of this world — jobs, sports, shopping, entertainment, relationships, and not on God — we simply will not date well.

The Golden Rule in Dating

But after embracing and applying the first and greatest commandment, I have found that the golden rule in dating is this:

Lean hard on the people who know you best, love you most, and will tell you when you’re wrong.

It is a “golden rule” that most often makes the difference between healthy and unhealthy Christian dating relationships. If you’re not a Christian — if you haven’t dealt with God before trying to date — you don’t have a chance of having a truly healthy Christian relationship with someone else. But even if you are a Christian, there are still a thousand more ways to subtly or blatantly reject God’s wisdom and fall into sin.

The key will be to lean on other Christians who know you best, love you most, and have a proven record of telling you when you are making a mistake or wandering away from God’s will for you.

Both these rules should go together to experience Healthy Dating within a Spiritual atmosphere in a GOD honouring way.

“What Is your Opinion?” – A Third Wheel’s Inputs

Today more than ever before, we’re faced with a never-ending buffet of opinions and advice that has something to say about everything and yet lets us choose the answer we want.

1) How far should we go physically before marriage?

2) How soon should I start dating after a breakup?

3) What things should I be looking for in a guy?

3) What are girls looking for in a guy?

4) Should couples live together before getting married?

We won’t have trouble finding an answer (or a dozen answers) to any of our questions in relationships. The scary reality is that we can find an answer somewhere to justify what we want to do — right or wrong, safe or unsafe, wise or unwise. The advice we choose might be from a book by a doctor, or a random conversation with someone at church, or a blog post by a teenager, or just something we found on Pinterest. For many of us, if we’re honest, it really doesn’t matter who’s offering the advice as long as it confirms what we thought or wanted in the first place.

Real friendship, with real life-on-life accountability, may not offer the same amount of information or advice, and you will not always like what it has to say, but it will bring one new critical dimension to your dating relationships: it knows you — your strengths and weaknesses, your successes and failures, your unique needs. The truth is that we all need a third wheel — in life and in dating — people who truly know us and love us, and who want what’s best for us, even when it’s not what we want in the moment.

The Accountability Factor

Golden rule in dating is a warm, but unpopular invitation to accountability— to truly and consistently bear each other’s burdens in the pursuit of marriage (Galatians 6:2). Maybe that term — accountability — has dried out and gone stale in your life. But to be accountable is to be authentically, deeply, consistently known by someone who cares enough to keep us from making mistakes or indulging in sin. We all need courageous, persistent, and hopeful friends and counselors in the dangerous and murky waters of dating. Lean hard on the people who know you best, love you most, and will tell you when you’re wrong.

Being In Love – For Real

"Being in love" is a phrase our culture uses for the romantic and sexual attraction that a man can feel for a woman (or a woman for a man) mixed in with care and concern which drives him or her to want to marry the other person. True Biblical love is much more balanced and focused on genuine care and concern and faithful fulfillment of marriage responsibility. A key question for those wondering if they have real "love" (as God defines it) that will last a lifetime in marriage is "Am I ready to commit myself to this person to sacrifice myself for this person, to care for and be concerned about this person, to be exclusive with and united to this person, and fulfill my God-ordained responsibility to this person for life? When both of you can, answer these questions satisfactorily, without leaving room for any doubts, Congratulations. It’s time to Graduate.

Taking The Big Step – “……promise to love you and cherish you all the days of my life………”

Loving one’s spouse according to the Scriptures involves four elements:

1. A genuine care and concern resulting in self-sacrificial attitudes and actions to meet the needs of your spouse

2. A commitment to fulfill your God-ordained marriage responsibility to your wife or husband

3. A romantic and sexual desire and attraction

4. A commitment to separate oneself from others of the opposite sex for exclusive and permanent romantic and physical intimacy.

If a couple is ready to do this, then they are already in love with each other for a lifetime. To come to this commitment, a couple needs to focus their energy on developing this kind of love for each other based of a strong care and concern for each other and a commitment to fulfill their responsibilities in marriage rather than on strong passionate romantic feelings which eventually calm down and change after marriage. Often a couple will make a marriage commitment based on very powerful romantic feelings fueled by romantic intimacy experienced in dating (with or without sex), rather than a strong and healthy loving relationship based upon a solid knowledge of each other. If they have built a foundation of genuine care and concern, they will have a solid foundation on which to build a marriage and drive their changing feelings.

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled. (Hebrews 13:4)

The couple should remind these to themselves and commit to each other in full loyalty and faithfulness, not only in matters of heart but also in everything because they are ‘Co-heirs of grace of life’ as the Scriptures remind us. The family that they raise is to be reflection of GOD’s will for every family.

Song Of Songs, an entire book in Bible is devoted to the love of husband and wife. Some may even think why this book (which has passionate content) even end up in the Bible. Most couple don’t even bother to go through it and see what it means about their life. It’s filled with pure and innocent love of a couple. That is manual of expression for every couple.

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—
for your love is more delightful than wine. (Song of Songs 1:1)

How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! (Song of Songs 4:1)

This poetic book calls out to appreciate, admire and cherish each other. This is what it feels to be in a Love relationship. This is what a Blissful marriage is.

Much of our troubles will be solved if we go by this way. Alas, we chose not to obey GOD. I really believe and hope this will help people who wish to get answers from a Biblical point of view.

As Jesus Said," With GOD everything is possible."

Trust him with the mending working and welding work in your relationships. He's the best Artist I know.

Feel free to leave your opinions below. Keep Being Awesome.

"I Found the One Whom My Soul Loves"- A Biblical Perspective on Romantic Relationships
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