Why I still stick with my girlfriend

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I premise this is more a quick thought rather than a "proper" myTake, so it won't take long.

Recently it has been a rough period with my girlfriend, a bit because of my work issues and a bit for her jealousy and clingyness.

Many people here rightly suggest to break up, and it's something I admit I considered doing, but I just can't do that. First, she's too content with this, and it wouldn't be right for me to take this away from her. She had an incredibly hard life and I love her, and she deserves to find happiness. Second, I wouldn't be capable of loving and being loved by another woman who's not her.

I have already refused other women for her because while they seemed to be better fits or were more attractive, they weren't her.
I can't see myself with anyone else - a woman can be intelligent, beautiful, a good fit for me and I can be a good fit for her, but if she's not her she's automatically rejected and I can't bring myself to develope romantic feelings for her - it'd be useless so I wouldn't even try, and it'd be dishonest to lead on false hopes. That's what I told them. I take extra work and projects not only for my career, but also to amass money for our future. The future for her. Anyone else is excluded from this equation. If I break up with her, so I'll do with what I'm building. It's for her and no else, if she'll not get it then I'll happily burn the money I amassed, all the work I did and the future projects - they'd have no more value to me.

Because she's the one for me.

When she's not screaming or being jealous, or hitting me, she's genuinely kind and thoughtful.
She takes the time to listen to me and reassure me when I'm worried or stressed.
She's really sweet and can be really caring and it's obvious she really wants to take care of others and be taken care of.
For example, like she's being right now - making coffee, asking about how the night went and idly chatting, while I'm writing this.

Probably the mistake is mine for being too permissive, or sharing too much on here.

Maybe I'll get more assertive, stop sharing so much here, or quit this site entirely, I don't know.

Thank you for reading

[devilman666]

Jesus dude, you really need to get your priorities straightened out, you can't focus you life on other peoples desires.

"Shes too content with this" how do you feel about it though?

"It wouldn't be right for me to take this away from her" bullshit, you are under no obligation to make her happy. By that logic none of my exs should have been allowed to break up with me, yet my last ex cheated on me after she found out I had been sexually abused as a child, abandoned by my father, cheated on multiple times before, and depressed/suicidal through most of my chilhood. Now I realize she was just doing what it took to make herself happy, she was confused and feeling alone. Regardless my point is that you owe this woman nothing, and you certainly dont owe her enough to sacrifice your own happiness. I think a lot of men are taught to put their partner before themselves, this needs to stop, we need to rise up and value ourselves.

"She had an incredinly hard life"I think I already made my past clear enough.

"She deserves to find happiness" true, so do you. Why should you sacrifice your happiness for hers? How is that fair?

"I wouldn't be capable of loving and being loved by another woman who's not her" bullshit. Simply bullshit and you know it.

[devilman666]

"When she's not screaming or yelling or hitting me." Break uo now! She does not love you. She is abusive and using you because she feels like she deserves to hurt other people to make herself happy. The fact that she is sweet when she is not abusive doesn't change anything. Imagine if this was reversed, wouldn't you feel guilty? What would you do if you realized you had just punched your girlfriend out of anger?

[devilman666]

"she takes time to listen to me and reassure me" that is simply something friends are supposed do for each other, you shouldn't need to go to your girlfriend to get reassurance.

[devilman666]

Oh, I remember you, I didn't see the asker at first lol. Yeah, tbh I think you should break up, your relationship always seems abusive to me. I know what it's like to think you deserve abuse or that you should just accept it to try and help someone else, but the truth is, you shouldn't. No one deserves to be abused. You deserve better, regardless of her past she has to change herself and she won't do that if you give her everything.

So I think that maybe you need to learn to love yourself, because from my experience that was what caused me to give in to abusive behaviour. You need to love yourself, because if these is any person we deserve love from its ourselves.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I'm extremely sorry you had to go through that, it sounds like an extremely toxic and abusive situation, and I can see how it took it's toll on you.
The problem here is that I really love her and want to try everything before throwing in the towel.
I recognize she's emotionally unstable, and she has reason to get upset when I'm not with her as much as she wants and we don't have sex as much as she wants.
She says I'm cold and greedy and she doesn't care about money, but we'll see in some years.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I think I do love myself, but if you want to give real value to life it's also to be considered to help others out and improve their lives.

Anyhow this is probably the last time I air my dirty laundry on here and discuss my relationship.
If I don't quit the site, I'll keep the interactions generic and avoid share stuff of my personal life.

[devilman666]

@Jean-marie dont be sorry for it. I wasn't explaining to try to get pity, I was explaining because I thought you would be able to relate and thus maybe it would help you. Sometimes having a similar story to your own to relate to can help give you perspective.

I understand that you love her, but that is not an excuse to throw your life away, and believe me, if you want to try everything then you will throw away your life before your throw in the towel.

She has reason to get upset, not to emotionally or physically abuse, she needs to try to handle her emotions like an adult. If she wasn't with you as much as you wanted, and you didn't have sex as much as you wanted, would you be allowed to yell at her and hit her?

Tell me, when does she say that? Does she say that when you ask her for money? Or when she asks you for money? This is important because if she says that when she asks you for money then she is trying to pressure you through guilt.

I agree about helping others, but you have to care for yourself too, because other people won't. You can't just give and give and give to people who take and take and take without returning it. You need things for yourself too, because you're not superman, you're just human too.

That makes me sad to hear, as much as I want you to get better I rather like talking to you about this, I like helping others when I can. If you dont quit this site but need someone to talk to then feel free to private message me, or feel free to go on your way.

[devilman666]

Also, were you by chance abandoned by someone close to you when you were younger?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

One of the things we have in common is that we both got abandoned by our fathers, and got raised in very harsh ways.
One of the things I see the most in her is her fear of abandonment, and her costant need of validation and care for someone.

For example we have had a discussions concerning my dealing with asbestos and other hazardous materials for work and she's really unhappy about the risks for my health, says the money aren't worth it.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

She almost never asks for money for herself, she uses her own.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Loving someone also means suffering for them or from them.
She does take care of me even if it gets suffocating or obsessive, and despite everything I still find reason and comfort in it.
I mean, parents too do hit their children from time to time or talk harsh to them.

[bloodys2]

You'd have some reason if her pussy was that good, but you don't even enjoy it so where's the point?

[devilman666]

@Jean-marie makes sense that you both got abandoned, it explains a lot. Don't feel bad though, it's far from uncommon, myself and many of my close friends fall under that category.

It's not just about money. She could be using you for sex, emotional support, etc.

No, loving someone does not mean they willingly cause you suffering. How would you feel if you realized you were making her suffer? Would you continue doing what you were doing or try to change?

Yes, I know plenty about parents hitting their kids, it's wrong and it caused me to be almost completely split from my parents. I can't trust them enough to open up to them because of it, I struggle with opening up to anyone because of emotional and physical abuse they subjected me to. My question is, did your parents hit you? If so then you could be seeking an abusive relationship that reminds you of the father that left you.

[devilman666]

My intuition tells me there is more going on behind the scenes, I think she might be cheating on you, fear of abandonment/anxiety about being alone means that she will likely do anything to escape her negative feelings, meaning that since you work and she doesn't, it seems likely to me that she has cheated on you, and this most likely plays a part in how she is always agitated around you now. I dont know specifics well enough to say for sure though.

If either of you haven't, then you should go to therapy. It seems like you are both still scarred, and I dont think this relationship can work unless you let those wounds heal. Maybe if she learns to deal with it then she will get better, but you seem like you have issues you have to deal with aswell, though they seem mostly internal not external, you seem like the type to blame yourself and feel guilty and anxious rather than to blame others. I don't know how to deal with things like this alone, I've been trying but it isn't easy, therapy is probably the best answer for you two, probably doing sessions together and separate would be best for a while, since you both seem to have a lot of individual problems that are causing issues in the relationship, if you can't afford both then just do individual therapy, your individual problems are more important since you can figure out the relationship once you've both worked past this. You both seriously need help, or else your personal problems will continue to poison the relationship. Personally, I've been avoiding relationships until I can get my mind sorted out lol, I find they just make more problems.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I did get slapped or beaten by my sister when I was little as punishments.
If I'd realized my behavior was hurting or make her upset like it happened in the past, I would correct it.

I don't think she'd cheating on me since my sister sees her everyday (we live in the same building) and never noticed anything strange.
There's also to say she's asocial and pretty shy/distrustful around other people that aren't a select few, despite my trying to make her socialize more - she very rarely leaves the house alone.
I also went through her phone once to fix an issue it was having and found nothing strange.

My sister is somewhat more worried about some stuff she says to her.
She says she sounds obsessed and really possessive.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

She does work, but in this period is on extended leave.
The only people she consistently sees are her mother and my sister, so either she's cheating with me on her (which I don't find likely due to her homophobia) or she's just that paranoid.

[devilman666]

@Bloodys2 his reason for staying with her is simple, anxiety. The idea of feeling isolated again fills him with stress, guilt, and anxiety due to his unhealthy past relationships. I know what it's like, I dont like to think about it but my last ex was cheating on me for nearly our whole relationships, I had suspicions but I didn't want to accuse her and be an asshole, because I have anxiety about being a burden to others and saying things they dont like, most likely due to my step father who had anger issues and often yelled when I spoke my mind, or would sometimes even hit me. Even after I found out I stayed because I wanted to believe she could change. I kept making excuses and saying I didn't want to hurt her, even though I was constantly hurting her with my lack of communication and trust. Finally when my excuses stopped working I admitted that I would sacrifice myself for her happiness, but really I was just afraid, I loved feeling like someone genuinely cared about me, even if it was only temporary, that feeling was enough to trap me, I'm addicted to that feeling, the feeling of being wanted and respected, because I never got that from my father who abandoned me, my mother who worked all the time so she could ignore her familial problems, and my step father who was condescending and had anger issues, probabaly due to his past of not having a father and needing to be the man of the house, which led him to need to feel in power.

Now that I've explained it all, it seems natural that I am fucked up, especially given that my parents were a fucked up couple who didn't get the counselling they needed until I was an adult. by the way, sorry if I went overboard, just trying to explain it so you can have a bit of an understanding, but it can be hard to explain since things like this literally have an effect on the way your brain works, and I have so much anxiety rn.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I do have friends of both genders, and I had temptations so to say.
But I admit that romantically no one measures up or meets my interest.

[devilman666]

@Jean-marie that likely explains it then. Of course you would change it, so why do you let her get away with it? Why dont you expect her to change herself the way you expect yourself to change? Why do you make excuses for her that you would not make for yourself?

You'd probably be surprised, it is even possible your sister knows and just doesn't want to hurt you with the information. And from my experience, being shy is mostly only a problem when you approach, when being approached, you can be surprised by how easy it can be to let them control the conversation. I have a couple friends that I connected with almost right away because we have a simple connnection and they are confident enough to get past the walls I build up. Regardless, it is definitely possible I am wrong, it's just a bit of a guess, I suppose. All I am saying here is that if she found a way to deal with her emotional issues while you are at work, yet she can't handle her emotions when you are home, then she is probably talking to someone else. If her answer to anxiety is to connect with someone or have sex then if you are not available and she is not having anxiety, then she has probably found someone else.

Yeah, she is really obsessed and possessive, you haven't noticed that? She is possessive of your time and your energy, and demands you spend it all on her. She obsesses whenever you aren't around, to the point that she pesters you.

As for her lack of concern with money (about what you said earlier where she said she wants you to take a vacation too), she probably just doesn't think about it. She just wants you there so she doesn't have to think about her anxiety.

[devilman666]

I would probably lean towards the final answer. People who were abused almost always have paranoia in one way or another, paranoid that other people hate you, that they are coming after you, paranoid that people will judge you, paranoid that people will hate you, and especially paranoid that people will abandon you. So it definitely seems possible she is hiding this due to paranoia, but then again, people in bad emotional places typically make mistakes and leave evidence of things like this, so she would need to be very paranoid about losing for you for it to overcome her seemingly never ending emotional needs. Does she ever show signs of being paranoid that you will leave her? Does she mention strange feelings of anxiety or guilt that she can't explain? People who were abused sometimes try to ignore their guilt and push it into the subconscious, so while they experience it, they don't understand why they experience it. This is to protect them, as most of the problems with their mind were.

[devilman666]

@Jean-marie was that responding to @bloodys2?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

She actually had a way to deal with her anxiety when I wasn't there, but it's not something I really want to write out here.
Let's just say it didn't involve cheating but was definitely unhealthy.
That's why my sister spends large part of her free time with her.
If she did cheat on me and my sister covered it, I still I haven't found it and they'd know it's something that'd cut them out my life permantly.
Same if they did do stuff to each other, which is something I admit I suspected but shrugged off for how homophobic my girlfriend is and both of them being straight.
Still, it's something they know would make me disappear from their lives.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

No to you @DEVILMAN

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

She is paranoid about me finding other people, having too many friends, leave her behind.
She also sleeps very little and has nightmares as of lately.

[devilman666]

@Jean-marie And there it is. The other side of these emotional issues. I know you too well because we are similar. It's like two sides of the same coin, on one side you have a willingness to let yourself get abused, but on the other side of the coin you will abandon you girlfriend and sister at a moments notice if you find out they dont actually care about you. We just want someone to love us, but we both need to see a therapist, it is something I have been avoiding, so I assume you already know you need to start seeing one. I'm not even entirely sure why I'm so afraid of it, but I guess admitting I am fucked in the head gives me more fear than I even want to admit to myself, but I start freezing up when I genuinely consider it. I've been trying to council myself a little, but it can be difficult to focus on my emotions since I am used to ignoring them and trying to dissociate from them.

As for her being homophobic, it is possible she is actually lesbian and in the closet. It is even possible that she acts homophobic because she is afraid you will see her attraction to your sister. I think it's unlikely, but possible.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I think I have limits too. Cheating is one of them.
I can take physical and verbal violence and other kinds of abuse, but not cheating.
I don't really believe she could be a lesbian since as I already said she wants sex with me very aggressively.
I could try forgiving if the second case was true, but it would still be a huge break of trust and distance them both from me.

[devilman666]

@Jean-marie also, about her homophobia, do you know if her mother is homophobic? If so then it is more likely that she is in the closet and afraid her mother will abandon her if she doesn't date men. It isn't confirmed, but much, much more likely

I think she is most likely cheating then, though it still seems unlikely with your sister, just seems like things would have gone wrong with that already, I feel like you would find more signs if it was with your sister. From my experience, things like this are typically caused by feelings of guilt that we push subconcious, they lead to paranoia and stress/anxiety related problems, like unexplainable vomiting, nausea, bowel problems, and nightmares.

Concerning her nightmares, did she have them before? Or is this entirely new? If her nightmares are just becoming more frequent them it is possible it is due to something else, if they just popped up then I think she is almost definitely cheating. Does she ever mention anything about them? If not then I would say it increases the chance of cheating, and if she says they are of you leaving her, then I think it is almost certain she is cheating. My ex felt guilt like this, it had traumatic effects on her, I think I realize now that this was because she felt like her cheating meant I deserved to find someone better, and that gave her anxiety that I would find someone better.

I still suggest therapy no matter what.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Insomnia and nightmares it's a problem she always had.
I held water on the second suspicion because they did get closer and affectionate, and often put me in the corner.
I also think that if she was cheating she wouldn't be so insistent about sex every evening.
Her mother is not homophobic that I know.
I want to get her therapy because she's prone to harm herself as she harms me, and although she stopped I'm afraid she could do it again.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

By the way another user helped write this just two days ago.
A pseudo psychological analysis of my home life ↗

[devilman666]

@Jean-marie I know, everyone has limits. I just wanted to point out that the whole "I'll sacrifice myself for you" "I could never stop loving her" stuff is nonsense. You will sacrifice yourself for the feeling that someone loves you, if you dont get that feeling from them then you won't sacrifice yourself. To put it simply, if she doesn't give you the love you desire, then you will not be able to continue loving her. I've been there, it's not healthy, evaluate yourself and you will find you are acting purely on your own desires, you just want to seem admirable (and thus more likeable) for it.

That doesn't necessarily mean much. Abuse and guilt can really screw people up, from my example, my ex was cheating on me because her mother would never have approved of me, due to my religion. From what she said, they had sex more than we did, because she wanted him to believe it so that her mother would believe it too, because she desperately wanted her mother to be proud of her, yet she also wanted to be happy and find out what she wanted, which is why she was with me at the time. Sex can be emotionless, I'm not saying it is for her, but sex alone isn't evidence of her not being lesbian. Regardless, it is also possible that she is a bisexual sex addict who only feels secure that people will stay with her when she is having sex with them.

[devilman666]

Uhm. Sex every evening? Well that sounds a lityle suspicious to me. Was she sexuall abused or emotionally? Id guess that it was sexual, but I might be wrong. I suspect that if she was sexually abused, she may actually use sex as a method to keep people from leaving her, even if it is not what you want.

Get yourself into therapy too. You both need it.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I understand what you mean, so let's just say I'm just more tolerant of certain things.
Right now my first concern is getting her to see a therapist.
Her agitation is concerning my sister too, who generally downplays everything.
We were talking just now and we have agreed to corner her and convince her to go see someone this week.
She had unsavory and self harming habits and although she hasn't been picking back on them already, she'll do if we don't intervene.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

She has always been very high drive and sexually aggressive with me, right from the start.
She took the fact I was a virgin as blood for a shark frenzy I think.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

And she can be violent during sex too if she's stimulated enough, on me and herself.
Generally it's enjoyable if kept under limit, but somtimes it's not very good when it's too much.

[devilman666]

Yeah, that analysis sounds pretty much spot on to me. I have a tendency to read too much into things sometimes, because I am also afraid of the unknown. So sometimes I say things without evidence, for example this cheating thing is probably something I am reading too much into because I personally am used to being cheated on, so I always watch for it.

The analysis was great, she was right about your sister, she wants to protect you but also is afraid you will leave her too. With that said, she needs to realize that your life is not her life, and that she has to trust you to be able to run your own with the lessons she taught you, this is hard because she has a subconcious need to feel superior and in charge, which is toxic and poisons her relationships.

Same with your girlfriend, I feel like everything that was said was correct. You are her ticket to happiness, and she knows it. Your friend argued that your girlfriend isn't selfish, I somewhat disagree, kindness done without kind motives, is selfishness. So regardless of the kindness, I think her motives (even if subconscious or based entirely on feelings) are selfish. I understand what she means and I agree, your girlfriend is a giving person, but she is giving in the way a hunter is giving to a deer, by setting out bait. In other words, she is using her kindness to lure you in so she can keep you with her, while using abuse to keep you acting the correct way. It is all just abusive in my eyes, the kindness is just a part of the abuse, it is bait, and you fall for it everytime. She needs to figure out her priorities and find a way to love herself, because she is being toxic, she is just letting her insecurities and emotions control her life, and it will probably lead to even more loneliness. Although she doesn't want it, I think she needs to be alone, because if she is focused on making you happy enough to stay with her, then she will never find a way to make herself happy.

[devilman666]

I think you both need to give up on this relationship, I think you will both be better off finding someone new, because once you drag problems like this into a relationship, they tend to ruin it. Trust, once damaged, almost never fully heals.

As for what she said about you specifically, I agree, it seems fitting of you. I will say though, I felt like I could relate to it since I have communication issues irl and try to act tough. In my mind I know I should be more myself, but I get really bad anxiety when I try to be honest about myself irl, mostly because I think I am a failure, and I think other people will realize this if they know the real me.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I'd still like to try everything I can before giving in.
I want to take her to a therapist and sort things out because the first year or so it was n't like that - there was a real feeling and it wasn't so one sided in her favor.
I can't abandon her the moment she needs me the most.

[devilman666]

I wrote a bunch more but lost it due to the app crashing. Good, therapy is almost always a good thing.

Perhaps her violent sex is because she was sexually abused? If so then she likely isn't enjoying it and either wants you think she enjoys it or she is a masochist. I'm just throwing it out there since I know sexual abuse can cause some messed up habits like that to form.

"I can't abandon her the moment she needs me the most" I've said this exact line before. This is psycological too, I've read that abuse victims often try to help others in order to try and find answers for their own problems, from my experience it is true. I help others but I use it as a way to dissociate and look at myself in a more neutral light.

Also, it is possible that she thinks the same way, and that she doesn't want to abandon you when you need her. I think you two should probably have an honest talk about your feelings for each other. Though with two insecure abuse victims, that will be hard, probably nearly impossible. Honesty and insecurity do not go together well, insecurity typically leads to a lack of honesty, and honesty (specifically an honesty that is rooted in love) typically leads to a lack of insecurity, because being unable to trust how honest someone is creates insecurity, trusting that someone is being honest with their words and actions, that is the opposite of insecurity.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Her last relationship three years ago was abusive on her boyfriend part and she really hates talking about it.
She told me she likes being rough because she enjoyes it and it lets her assert her dominance over me.
As I said, I like it in the limits of kink, when she goes too far it becomes problematic.

I want to talk with her about it and finally find a way to be more serene as a couple.

[bloodys2]

Guy dropped everything and went away

[devilman666]

@Jean-marie sounds like she took some of his abusive traits, she should really see a therapist about this. I know people who are abused like this sometimes try to become more like the person who abused them so that they don't feel so weak and broken, maybe that is what she is doing?

[devilman666]

@bloodys2 sorry, not sorry. I had a stressful week at work and have been taking extra time to unwind, since when is it my duty to respond within a timely manner?

[bloodys2]

No I didn't mean you I meant jean sorry.
He made a post he's quitting the site to be with his girlfriend that's what I meant

[devilman666]

Oh, I see, sorry then, I had assumed it was because I didn't get back to the post for a while. He said he is taking a break and posting/commenting less, he will likely still be back every now and then.

[bloodys2]

Hope so but unlikely

[EmotionOfFear]

This sounds exactly like my ex-girlfriend. Emotionally unstable, abusive, took her anger out on me. I had to leave her to pursue my own happiness, and avoid the trainwreck that continuing to lead her on when things were really bad with her would be. You should leave before marriage inevitably happens, and you're truly stuck living with a terrible mistake.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Just letting you know I ended it.

[EmotionOfFear]

Proud of you! How'd she take it?

[CubsterShura]

I like how you are the person that isn't influenced by the cancel/dump culture of dumping anyone that doesn't appeal to you 100%, 100% of the time. Many couples go through rough moments but they get through it if they work on it.

I'm a little concerned on how you're trying to imply that you will throw your entire life away if she wasn't there though. I did this in past for an ex and I regret it till this date. It hurts a lot when your loved one is no more a part of your life, let's hope that you never go through this you sound really kind, but don't hurt yourself even more either if something ever happens, god forbid.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words and compliments, I wholeheartedly appreciate them!

I don't want to give up on her.
I want for her to get help and be happy and with peace of mind.
She's costantly agitated about something, her mood swings drain us both.
I'm taking extra shifts and dealing with hazardous substances to make more money and ensure a serene future to both.

[CubsterShura]

Then make sure both of your are really working on getting it better. Maybe try couple counseling?

[OlderAndWiser]

Do not listen to anyone else. Follow your heart!

[englisc]

This is bad man.

"First, she's too content with this, and it wouldn't be right for me to take this away from her. She had an incredibly hard life and I love her, and she deserves to find happiness."

So have you, and so do you. You have a tendency to put others before yourself, even to your own detriment. Having a bad past is never an excuse for shitty behaviour.

"Second, I wouldn't be capable of loving and being loved by another woman who's not her."

You don't know that. You only think this because she's your first ever girlfriend, and before meeting her you had some heavy anxiety issues. This as I suspected it might has made you become co-dependent, and this isn't healthy at all.

"When she's not screaming or being jealous, or hitting me, she's genuinely kind and thoughtful."

This is why it's unhealthy. Most people would leave in these instances, which is why people are always telling you this. But you're co-dependent and you think there's no way you could find anyone else, so you're clinging on to her.

This is what happens in most abusive relationships. I've heard the same story multiple times, from different people. You make excuses for their abusive behaviour by emphasising the good points, and again you cling on because it's your first relationship. However, you should take the advice of people who've been where you're at when they say that you're wrong and your judgement is clouded.

"If I break up with her, so I'll do with what I'm building. It's for her and no else, if she'll not get it then I'll happily burn the money I amassed, all the work I did and the future projects - they'd have no more value to me."

This is also why it's unhealthy. You should want to do those things for yourself, with or without her. You matter. The trouble is you've been taught otherwise, to defer to everyone else. It's the source of most of your problems.

"Maybe I'll get more assertive, stop sharing so much here, or quit this site entirely, I don't know."

Quit? Stop sharing? Think about all the help you've gotten from here already. The only reason you'd want to quit is because you don't like what you're hearing, but it's the truth. So you'd be hiding from the truth. People aren't saying these things to you to be assholes, they say it to help you. Most people here think you're a great guy, and they hate to see you be treated like that and even worse justifying it.

Your girlfriend before mentioned "toxic people" and "vetting who you talk to". That's another abusive tactic. Maybe you're beginning to believe that here. Yet, who is more likely to be toxic? Someone who belittles you and hits you, or someone who tells you that you shouldn't stay with someone who belittles you and hits you? Think about it.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I know, but I'm definitely airing too much dirty laundry on this site - it's not respectful for her.

[devilman666]

Is her hitting you respectful? Why the hell do you jold yourself to a higher standard than you hold her?

[devilman666]

Also, no it is not disrespectful, it is you protecting yourself. It can only be disrespectful if she thinks respect means you putting her needs above your own (that is not what respect means).

[devilman666]

There is a difference between asking for help/advice from a friend or from strangers. If you were gossiping about her with people you both know and trying to make them think badly about her then it would be disrespectful. You are just trying to get advice from people who can't judge her because they dont know her.

For example, if she spoke to your sister about how you are not around enough, would that be disrespectful? Of course not, because it is looking for advice, not trying to spread a negative opinion of the person.

[GraveDoll]

Just my two cents, experiences and nothing more. You seem to have made your decision. I see clearly. And I have never been the type to try to change anyone's mind. I work with people and broken people daily and let me tell you humans are just creatures of habit.

My last relationship was very much like this. It worse 4 years of my life.

At the end of the day, just remember you didn't make her life hard. You were just born. The day I left that relationship was me realizing a battle I knew I will never win. We can't fix people. That a journey that we must do on our own always. Sometimes "hope" can cost heavy. The signs are clear. and yet we ignored or rationalize it to death. Did you know it rationales that is mankind downfall? sometimes when two people stay together it out of a need or should I say hunger of each other self-needs. your relationship exists but that’s all it does or can lead to.

I hate giving up. But there is limited. All humans have them. And all humans have boundaries. Why do people automatically assume you are giving up. If someone constantly walks over your boundaries. What is one to do?

Sometimes we get so stuck on an "idea" that things will get better. soon... rinse repeat. And your right life can get better the problem is that person may not be part of the equations.

I rough my four-year relationship out of that same "not giving up on him". In honest, I now know I shortchanged myself. I caused a lot of damage to my character because I no longer view relationships the same. I have PTSD from that relationship in the worse way lol.

fast forward two years later and I have rebuilt my whole self as a person. It still will be a long time before I give anyone my heart and love ever again. In reality, I dont think I will be as blindly logically every again. This is the aftermath of a toxic relationship because of the never giving up a motto I use to live and would die by. Well, I did die in some sense and it wasn't worth it.

So good luck and I do hope that she does improve or both can. Look no relationship is perfect this much is true and can not be denied. Either way, I know "you" are doing and You seem good with your choices here. So I will and shall focus on that.

[SueShe]

Life is a game of give and take. Sometimes you give more but many other times you take even more than what you give.

I would say that you could see it as a "double entendre", a double meaning.

If everything would be rosy in life, it would be dull. Everyone needs a little challenge here and there. The problem is when the challenge takes over the pleasure, it makes you realize that you have perhaps taken a wrong turn.

I admire the courage of character not to give up, not to "throw the sponge" and think that I deserve better. It shows that even if life throws stones at you, you can still get around them.

You are doing what I preach but personally find so difficult to do in a case like that. And that is to communicate and not to give up. Everyone deserves a second chance. Your girlfriend probably stretched it to her 5th. chance and still you don't give up what you built up for a common future.

Not many people would say "let's give her another chance, maybe I did something wrong this time".

You prove that even though life seems not to be fair with you in your relation, you don't want to give up and that is the spirit that I find is missing, mainly here on GAG where many seem to be so selfish and give up at the slightest obstacle.

You deserve my applause and my hat off for that. I know I would have given up a long time ago.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words and compliments, I wholeheartedly appreciate them!

I don't want to give up on her.
I want for her to get help and be happy and with peace of mind.
She's costantly agitated about something, her mood swings drain us both.
I'm taking extra shifts and dealing with hazardous substances to make more money and ensure a serene future to both.

[SueShe]

To seek for help must come from her and she must also realize and acknowledge that there is an issue and want to be helped. Forcing help on her will only lead to put up a wall around her and talking will just be so much more difficult.

I know that you have another party to consider in this complex problem but I am not aware to what extend this party can or does influence this situation.

I know of a couple that was in a similar (bilateral) situation as yours and the help was practically imposed on the one person. That, in turn, resulted in a situation where one felt accused and the other one taking advantage. The therapy was interrupted because both persons did not go on their free will to seek for help.

I wish for you to find rest and peace with yourself and your fiancée/girlfriend. A situation like yours will only lead to you being totally drained and possibly putting your life at stake because you are dealing with dangerous goods where the slightest mistake can have dramatic consequences.

[lightbulb27]

I hope you work it out and she is lucky to have you. I don't like what I read, I'm sorry. As someone once said... love is a battlefield. How long can you fight. If kids show up, the stress is multiplied. You might readup on borderline personality and see if that is what you are dealing with... or why she is so "triggered". Yo've noted the obvious one... she is clingy so if you are gone, she reacts.

How would you like it if someone you "loved" poked you with a needle every day, not for good, just because... and maybe it was random. What you can tolerate of a little prick would turn into torture eventually. That's how she feels regarding your leaving, for right or wrong. Her response to that... we don't know, but it won't be good.

Reality is, your girlfriend has some issues and needs to address them. Failure to do that means suffering ahread, I see no way around that unless you are Jesus Christ himself. Thing is, I'll bet a lot of cash she doesn't see it nor does she want to deal with it. Lots of Therapy. I know of a group just launching that helps people to deal with it, it's a group therapy, that might help. Whatever is done, do something... don't just sit hoping. that is not a plan.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I really love her and want to try everything before throwing in the towel.
I recognize she's emotionally unstable.
I'm trying to make her see a counselor or a therapist, but she's really reticent about it.
This is one of the few things my sister is supporting me ony because her mood swings are really drastic and freaked her out too.
We are slowly convincing her, but it's not sure. I'm also concerned she's always at home.
She says she's on vacation from her job but I don't know what to think.
I want for her to get help and be happy and with peace of mind.
She's costantly agitated about something, her mood swings drain us both.

[lightbulb27]

that's good, the right thing to do. You know why she is doing this... on the surface anyways. She's experienced trauma, the turtle is going further into her shell. your leaving is triggering her, but could be other things as well.

One of the hardest of roles... you take on a sick person and want them better, but they have to want it. She has to face the terrors held inside her... who wants to face that all again? So she runs to whatever else she can find to make her feel good. sex, drugs, cling. It's a scared child.

if she resists therapy, then next best is a support group. Something like "Grief share", trauma recovery. I just launched one of these groups that explains and deals with this junk, it's based upon God, Christian. That might help, but limited availability so far as requires a lot of setup.

Inside is a little child that just wanted to be loved by mom and dad. That is what needs healed.

I could probably explain most of what goign on, but ideally she needs counselor in front of her. The reward for her, for facing her fears, is there is a person, a spirit in there that will grow and live once she is free of the fear and shame and guilt and whatever else was heaped upon her.

[Anonymous]

I don't know man, you said "hitting" - that's abuse. I felt exactly this way about one of my exes. I needed therapy after it ended between us because I got so deeply depressed but I have moved on eventually and I have managed to fall in love several times again, so far never as deeply in love as with him but close enough. He was my first love too so I never expect to feel exactly like that again anyway as that was the first time I loved somebody. He was also abusive, not physically but mentally. Manipulative, a liar and even a cheater as it turned out in the end but blamed his issues on a difficult upbringing and refused to take any responsibility. Love is funny because you can love someone above all else regardless of wether they're a good match for you or not, love has nothing to do with common sense unfortunately, therefore sometimes you need to use your head and think rather than to focus on what you feel. Feelings can be wrong and often are. As sweet as this is it is also rather naive to just stick with her because you think she's the one. Start by seeking couples therapy if she's truly abusive and if she refuses to change then leave. Someone who really loved you wouldn't abuse you and if they acted that way due to issues within them caused by a difficult life they'd be open to therapy to work those issues out especially if they knew those issues went out over the person they love.
She could be manipulating you for all you know. Manipulative people are also incredibly sweet and romantic only to turn right around and hit you or abuse you in some other way - that's what they do. That is how they get their partner to stay by messing with their head like that and making them accept the abuse through being sweet inbetween it. So keep that in mind.

[bloodys2]

He already shot down girls sharing stories about their own abusive stories saying they aren't the same thing, just letting ya know

[Opinion Owner]

@bloodys2 Of course... When it comes to yourself you always want to believe it's different. Well he'll get out of denial-phase eventually. Most people in abusive relationships like these don't want to hear the truth. I was the same.

[anaxangeldj]

So there's a lot of people Who answered and I'm gonna bother reading all your replies but I hope you will take into consideration what I'm going to say.

1) What you write or say can sometimes sound more violent/dramatic than what's actually happening. On the net, we won't truly know how bad a situation is unless we read your words.

2) You are an idiot for saying that you will destroy your money if she dont care. GET OVER IT QUICKLY! You two have two separate lives. IF you love each other then learn how to be more mature so you don't become dependent on one another and suck each other energy out cause that my friend will make you two break up. You are a team sure. Be yourself and have some self respect

3) Your past life will make you what you are but you have the possibility to change as well as her. So either go to a couple therapy or see one separately.

4) You are negative and you will only have negative vibration around and with her.

5) It's not by posting your shit online that it will solve your problems. Talk to each other, set boundaries with her and stick to it.

Sure you love one another but once you have kids if it happens and you haven't sorted your shit out then it will just break and make innocent people miserable. I know what I'm talking about.

To love is a beautiful thing but to make shift something that is ill-fated takes Love, Energy, Patience and TIME! Both of you need to work on it at the same length.

Dont just start telling your problems instead of making it work with her. Say your expectations, wish, wants. it's about the both of you.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

This is one of the few posts here with actual advice, and I wholeheartedly appreciate it.
We just had the first encounter with a therapist yesterday.
I had my hand forced in finally pushing us to therapy because there have been some developments that convinced me that we both and especially her needed immediate help - she had picked up again some self destructive habits we had struggled against last year, so I had to act.

[Kakella]

I agree with everything she said.
It's no use for you to complain about everything and when the time comes, you either let her have her way or begrudgingly agree to her terms.
A person, especially a woman, feels that.
She feels that for you it's a weight to do things with her, cuddle her, make love to her
I'm afraid she picked back those "bad habits" also for this reason.

[Kakella]

And do away with that oneitis too.
If you two break up, you will do yourself a disservice in not considering OTHER women, especially to that one woman that's waiting for someone just like YOU.

[Melshmallow046]

"When she's not screaming or being jealous, or hitting me, she's genuinely kind and thoughtful."

It's your decision and other people can't tell you what to do, but I wish you could see this from the viewpoint of people whose judgment isn't affected by emotions. If you treated her the way she treats you, would you want her to stay with you?

Feeling like she's the only woman you can love is valid. But since you're currently committed to her, you shouldn't be falling for others, that would come some time after a breakup... Look at people who remarried after their first spouce died. During the first marriage, most likely wouldn't have said they couldn't imagine falling for anyone else, yet they're truly in love with the second person they married. It's not so much an issue of you being unable to find anyone else, but that this relationship is detrimental to your own well being and the pain that would come from a breakup would be worth it in the long run. Even if you have to get rid of the money you've saved.

Best of luck, I hope things work out for you.

[Clo917]

'When she's not screaming or being jealous, or hitting me, she's genuinely kind and thoughtful.'

I don't say this to offend (hopefully) but that's how abusers work. They'll abuse, and then be kind to draw you back in. Of course it's your life, but do know that behavior isn't normal or healthy in a relationship. Sure, she's content but your own well-being is important here too.

[Ellie-V]

Aww 🥰 honey, that’s just what being in love is about. Fuck everyone else. They’re probably just mad because their keyboards aren’t practical sex toys no matter how hard they try to make it so 😂 no relationship is perfect. Everyone goes through their rough patches. Life is never easy. In fact, it’s hard as shit. At least you’ve found someone who’s worth the trouble.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I really want to try everything before throwing in the towel.
She's a lovely if misunderstood and troubled woman, I want to do my best to give her happiness.

[Kas19]

Uh, no. She is abusive. I went through my fair share of abusive relationships, which is why I can confidently say, get out.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

@Kas19 Even if it's abusive, I think it's my right to make it work, or it isn't?

[Kas19]

@ Jean, You never mentioned going to therapy with her and you said she was unwilling to change. Anyway, I was mainly referring to the opinion owner for saying "That's what being in love is about" and that people are jealous, or whatever she was implying.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

@Kas19 I'll find a way to get her to see a specialist for those problems

[Ellie-V]

@Kas19 I was saying/implying that love is about going through tough shit because life is never easy.
I don’t know anything about his girl being abusive.
I’ve just started following this guy. If she is abusive, that’s something he’s going to have to make a decision about for himself. Like I said I don’t know. So if the abuse is mild, then there is certainly room for growth. If it’s not mild, then o well 🤷🏾‍♀️

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I do think it's something we can fix together with enough work.

[lightbulb27]

you are a caretaker type person, you thrive off of giving, saving he wounded bird. Do you have infinite powers? It's a proper alignment of God... that is love... you the giver, she needing healing. But realize that love can be sick as well. your job really is to love her, and you identified elsewhere... you are hurting her (e. g. her clingy issue). If you take in a wounded puppy, it will take a lot of care and nurturing and may never thrive. your girlfriend is lucky, but she needs to own her stuff. I wonder though... if she was healthy... if you'd so feel for her? Do you want to see her better?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

@lightbulb27 I want to see her better.
I want her to not be so insecure and clingy, to get back to work and make her own career.
She wasn't always like that.

[lightbulb27]

I wonder what your driver is inside? Have you looked at yourself and is it healthy? I can tell you I used to do this too, I'd love wounded birds, but couldnt' handle them. I'd shun healthy women. This was really a flawed self image based upon childhood abuse. I had to heal. I recognize someone needs help, I'll direct them to help, but won't and know I cannot take on their crap. I'm not saying that is you, nor do I wantto project that onto you. I'm saying it is healthy to look inside for the motive is healthy. a counselor for you... could sift through it... often we cannot see ourselves, see our blind spots.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

@lightbulb27 If I manage to get her to accompany me to a therapist, I'd be really happy.
It's not that I like vulrenable people, it's just right to help them out.
She wasn't like that at first, but when she started to show that side of her I was already in love with her.

I'd skyrocketing happy if she solved her issues and got healthy. The reason I turned down and shut off other women it's not because they are healthy, hell sometimes I recognize we'd have been perfect fits, but I wouldn't be capable of getting over my girlfriend and have romantic feelings for them or love them for who they are.
That'd be wrong for them and make them suffer, so it's better they find someone else and I stick with my girlfriend.

[lightbulb27]

you fell in love with her. what is the love, how does it relate back to your childhood? What is that love? I'm not against what you are doing, but trying to help find the roots of that. most people don't go into relationship showing their junk, they hide it. when close, it pours out... thus why need time to learn.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

@lightbulb27 I just grew on my own, my older sister raised me because parents were unavailable.
She schooled me on how to treat and don't treat a woman and didn't allow me to have too many friends or a girlfriend.
She taught me that when you find someone that's the one and only, even though she has had some exes.

[lightbulb27]

that makes some sense, glad you had a good sister. Where are you at in understanding and acceptance of "God"? You are a good person. Within you are some amazing gifts that you may not be aware of or see matured yet.

[Kas19]

@Ellie-V He literally wrote "When she's not screaming or being jealous, or hitting me" That's abuse. Sure, people go through arguments in relationships, but abuse is different.

[lightbulb27]

@Kas19 and if he tries to leave, it be bad. yes it's abuse, he's willing to take it to help her. If I were him, I'd get a therapist now for him to get help dealing with this, this will require help.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

@lightbulb27 That's what I'm trying to do.
I see that despite her issues and bizarre behaviors, she genuinely loves me.
One of the things I see the most in her is her fear of abandonment, and her costant need of validation and care for someone.
For example we have had a discussions concerning my dealing with asbestos and other hazardous materials for work and she's really unhappy about the risks for my health, says the money aren't

[Kas19]

@lightbulb27 I already talked to him about this. He said she is unwilling to work things out and change. They won't go to therapy.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

@Kas19 Maybe I should find some incentive to convince her. If it has to be so, so be it

[VaIiant]

This is going to be an unpopular opinion, but:
Dude, you seem SO unhappy. Nowhere in this post did you claim otherwise. All you post now is about leaving her, and if she's bad, and even on other peoples questions you diss your own relationship. And if she's hitting you and manipulating you, you have good reason to.

[bloodys2]

Too late he already said he's quitting gag stay with her

[bloodys2]

*to stay

[cherryqueen01]

It's pretty common when people in horrible relationships only ask advice because they're looking for people to tell them to stay in it, rather than the truth and when people give them the truth they ignore it and/or get upset and start arguing against them. He'd probably already made his mind up before orginally asking what to do. The situation is clearly abuse to anyone who can see it from the outside but for some people they just have to learn the hard way to think before just letting their feelings make all their decisions for them.

[gypsydream]

I found his post very sad. I feel like he was trying to romanticize this unhealthy relationship to talk himself into thinking it's for the best.

[ChatterboxShiv]

@gypsydream I've done that many times and in my very first relationship I tried changing myself after the break up to win him back and it made me so depressed when I couldn't rediscover myself. When someone tries to change you, they aren't for you. Love is blind and yes maybe there might not be anyone but her for you, but if she tries to change you then i'm sorry buddy but it isn't the greatest idea. You be perfect and if she sees anything less then be content with yourself. If you do change while being with her and it is subconscious then there is a higher chance you should stay together. On the other hand, if she forces you to change, then that is unhealthy and will overall impact you more. Back when i was in this position i ignored everyone who said this because i thought i would ultimately get him back. I was wrong. Look after yourself man!

[Kakella]

@ChatterboxShiv He stopped replying to everyone so I don't know what he decided do.

[bloodys2]

@Kakella that's what I meant

[cherryqueen01]

@gypsydream Probably. I've done that myself and most likely nearly all people in toxic relationships have. You can't choose whom you love unfortunately but if they're abusive it's not a good relationship and it's not meant to be. Usually it has to get to a point though where it's just gotten so bad that you can't take it anymore for you to accept that and get out of it. It'll probably happen for him eventually

[Soft4u]

I really don't know how to respond to someone who's life with another person is etched in stone, at 21 not having any wiggle room in a relationship that's okay at best to me is being foolish.
You have every right to be happy in a relationship, not some of the time most of the time.
Why anyone with thoughts of possibly ending the relationship, would in the next sentence say there is no way I'd ever end this relationship.

Good luck!

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you

[midnightmoon05]

She is really lucky to have you. That you see her as a real person who has negative/postivie feelings and accepts/loves her.
There are many dynamics to go through life.
Couples who Know, work through changes/challenges together will see good results.

Thank you for sharing with us.

[naijagurl]

I saw multiple red flags as I read this. It’s great that you have such a big heart but you need to take a second to think about yourself. She should NOT be hitting you and that’s more than enough reason for you to leave right away (and I suggest you do). You also shouldn’t be staying with her just because she’s content with the way things are going. If YOU are also not content with the way things are going then you two either need to find a way to solve the problem or end things because your relationship should always be a two way street.

[Anonymous]

I do think you ask a mass group of strangers too many questions about this relationship (not accusing you of anything because I do the same with my own, just anon).

I’ve been reading your stuff from the sidelines for some time now, and have felt it was unnecessary to comment until I just read that she hits you.

That’s abuse, plan and simple. Physically hitting someone does not come from a healthy or loving place and I don’t care who it is; you should not put up with that shit.

Have you read much on Stockholm Syndrome? I feel that you should especially with the obviously controlling situation your sister and girlfriend have created for you.

Again, just my two cents. Take them or leave them.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

You are absolutely right I share too much, it was my way to vent out but I recognize I was airing too much dirty laundry.
I know what it is, but I'm not really sure it applies to this situation.

We just started therapy hopefully to find a better balance and help her find serenity.
As for the hitting, she does it rarely and when she's really furious. It's not that the thing that makes me uneasy.

[Liam_Hayden]

Here are my thoughts:

1. "she deserves to find happiness." Yes, but not at your expense.

2. "Second, I wouldn't be capable of loving and being loved by another woman who's not her." You are suffering from a clear addiction, a case of "One-itis." You have been programmed by society and perhaps family to believe this. There are over 3.5 billion women on the planet. The idea that "only this one will make me happy" is quite frankly nonsensical.

3. If she gets violent with you, it will probably end in your leaving her, your death, or your arrest when you finally respond.

Leave. There are millions of normal, rational, non-violent women out there. Don't settle for an abusive one.

[Wishfire17]

Only you know what is best for you. If you could not be happier or more in love with someone else, who am I to say otherwise? I don't know you and I don't know her. The problem with the other posters is that they don't understand, people dont post when things are good, most only post when things are doing bad, so that they can get advice. Most people only see the bad side when this happens. They don't see the girl who sits up with you at night when you are sick, they don't see the laughter and the silly things you do together. This is why I try not to judge based on peoples posts here, unless something is very wrong.

[LuWe22]

So know I understand. You used this website as a form to vent over your girlfriend. I sincerly hope you also asked her your question and are open to share it with her. Of course you love her and don't want to break up that is perfectly fine. It's just my personal opinion but you should not put your partner in a negative light to the public just because you are angry, disappointed or annoyed. Just a Tip for next time.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

You are perfectly right.
I'm definitely airing too much dirty laundry on this site - it's not respectful for her.
If I don't quit the site, I'll definitely share much less personal stuff.

[LuWe22]

Yes that would be best. Of course you can post questions about your relationship here but don’t drag her. Make sure you don't get in Trouble if she ever reads your questions.

[Samhanks]

It's good to have others opinion on this site ! It is for you to decide whether to accept or reject opinions, Ups and down do come in everyone's life, thats Life :) She too may be a victim of mood swings. Yes, she deserves Happiness. Handle her carefully with love and affection and tell her frankly why you are doing extra work. Make her feel important by telling her you're doing it for US, both of us which will benefit both of you in the time to come, Sensibly thinking for the future and career is good thing !

[RainbowSmile]

Sounds like you are in love with her.

One thing to help when girls seem jealous, is to make them feel extra beautiful and spend quality time with them (not on your phone) rub their back or make small gestures to let her know how much she means to you. If can get yourself in a habit to do this- I bet she will grow out of her jealousy issues in time

With that said- IF you guys break up (not saying you should) it will take time and it will hurt but eventually you will find another special lady you feel comfortable with and want to share your life with.