To marry or break up: A decision I can't decide! Part 2

Listening to someone's heart literally and figuratively can mean a lot!
Listening to someone's heart literally and figuratively can mean a lot!

If you haven't read Part 1 of this story, you can view it in the link below. If you already have, feel free to skip on ahead:

To marry or break up: A decision I can't decide!

The "Talk"

I have taken the advice of many on this site from before, including the trust of my own intuition to have the "Talk" about marriage with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, she as of a couple days ago already had plans in mind by pushing my away emotionally regarding that subject. The following arguments we had for two days prior to yesterday, while uncomfortable and very emotional were quite insightful because we both spoke up about what we felt was missing from the relationship and what we could do to improve on it. To think I consider myself a relationship expert, yet my girlfriend felt very much neglected, in a romantic sense.

Girlfriend's Point of View:

The majority of you were correct; she still unconditionally loves me, despite all the mistakes I've made in the past with her. What she told me, did help clear my mind of what was going wrong in the relationship in her eyes. She told me that she felt like I was her robot; merely a best friend and nothing more. Sure, I've given her affection through hugging, kissing and sometimes sex throughout the week to show how much I mean to her but outside of that, I have done nothing romantic outside of an occasion like Valentine's Day and our anniversary, which made her feel like she was taken for granted. Anyone can do chores, anyone can hug you, anyone can spend quality time with you but to really show how much you appreciate your significant other, that can mean the whole world to them and I failed to show her that, getting too comfortable and letting the intimacy slowly die out. It did feel like a friendship and not the relationship we once felt so I took to heart what she said. The other thing is, I figured out why she waited so long to tell me about this.

I'm known to be an emotionally unstable person during an anxiety attack or if I'm feeling very stressed out. The last couple of times she wanted to have a serious talk with me, I completely blocked her out and played the victim card pinning all the blame to myself, every time I made her angry or upset which started the arguments in the first place. Because of this, she thought I couldn't take such a serious discussion so she put it on hold for months, years even, until she exploded a few nights ago which spilled the truth out of her. I felt really bad about it, not being able to see outside myself in this relationship we worked so hard to keep together. She felt unappreciated and unloved, not congratulating her on her first year as a teacher, avoiding the topic of marriage, degrading her passions of singing and drawing because of my poor choice of words to criticize her and not being the supportive man I was. She wasn't wrong about these things and I've thought back on everything she told me and they were true; I had pushed her away to the point where depression hit her hard and she couldn't bare it anymore.

And yet, even after everything I did to her, she didn't want to let me go...

My point of View:

Remember when I mentioned how I was afraid of marriage because of a lack of finances and being too immature for it? I had allowed that fear to control me and put our relationship on hold for far too long. After being exposed to living a poor home life for so long, witnessing my divorced parents and seeing the unrealistic moments of happiness from wealthy people, I couldn't bare the thought of what would happen if we lost everything we worked hard for financially, because I wasn't making enough money to help out? I was terrified of us, losing the home she worked hard to pay off and us, becoming homeless and her hating me for the rest of our days because I made the poor choice to marry her, not being financially stable. I had always thought that the happiest marriages are ones with people who loved their significant other unconditionally AND had plenty of money for comfort in terms of being able to pay for all their bills, health expenses and such, but...I was wrong this whole time...

Everything was already set in stone for marriage; I was just too blind by fear to make a move these past 9 years, afraid of losing my girlfriend when in fact, I already was...

The aftermath of the "Talk"

It wasn't a pleasant sight by any means, me shoving stuff off the counter, slamming the guest room door and crying uncontrollably, next to the bed as my girlfriend did the same out in the kitchen. I couldn't control myself; I felt like a monster for not seeing this sooner and being so emotionally destructive. After that I thought, "This is it. She's never going to forgive me and I should break up and run for it while I can because I'm not worthy to be her boyfriend, after all these years of emotionally torturing her...

To marry or break up: A decision I can't decide! Part 2

But even then, she didn't want to see me go...

She knew I wasn't trying to hurt her on purpose, that I wouldn't intentionally abuse her like that. She knew I was a scared, little kid in my mind, who only wanted the best for her, even if my actions didn't always show it. I was just so consumed by self-hatred and fear that I couldn't see what was really in front of me. To think, even after all that time, my girlfriend still loves me. How could I let someone go who's seen the worst side of me, and still wants to be with me? That's true love right there if I ever saw it and I never wanted to lose her either. If I didn't care, I would have broken up and walked out that door but I didn't because my heart was still with her as hers was to mine.

When we calmed down, we both agreed that boundaries were to be set in place. She didn't quite feel comfortable with me so we slept in different beds and I'm currently trying to recover the relationship by being more romantic and thoughtful to her. I told her that I wanted to marry her and that I wouldn't allow my insecurities of finances and immaturity get in the way of it. Obviously, actions speak louder than words so we're trying to rebuild what we once lost. It's currently Day 3 of this and so far, she's been warming back up to me so we're making progress! Sometimes in life, you need to see the worst in someone to know what they truly want, for things to get better! I plan to marry her sometime within this next year so I don't put it off any longer. We both want each other, we both loved each other for a very long time and it's time to tie the knot <3

To truly love someone, means you'll never leave their side, no matter what!
To truly love someone, means you'll never leave their side, no matter what!

Thank you so much for reading this second part of the MyTake! It's been quite an emotional journey for us both and I'm sure we'll get our romance back up in no time! Results obviously won't be immediate but in due time, everything will be fine. It's time I put aside my fears and selfishness and look deeper into our relationship to make it healthier and brighter for us! I'll continue to update our progress later on but for now, you have a pretty good idea of what's happening. Thank you again and I'll catch up with all of you soon!

_____

To marry or break up: A decision I can't decide! Part 2
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Most Helpful Girls

  • Porcelaine

    ''I'm known to be an emotionally unstable person during an anxiety attack or if I'm feeling very stressed out'' everyone is known to be emotionally unstable during emotionally unstable situations. You are WAY too hard on yourself on all things. You need to allow yourself to be imperfect, you are going through a rough patch, that's it, your problems are very normal and solvable, there is no need to let it ruin your relationship, especially since it's with someone very special.
    ''How could I let someone go who's seen the worst side of me, and still wants to be with me? That's true love right there'' Damn right. Most people are looking for what you already have. And some if they find it's usually once in their life that it's as real as this. So don't let it go. But also don't punish yourself when you make a mistake in a relationship. You neglected her in some way, but now you've learned from it and you will become a better partner for her and she for you. This kind of growth is normal in a relationship and it will continue to happen. You will make mistakes, she will make mistakes, but don't be so overdramatic thinking it's best to push the other person away if you are not perfect, just try to deal and move on. The way you always want what is best for her shows what you feel for her is true love also. She would never find another guy who loves her this unconditionally so don't think that someone richer will make her happier than you. What if she was going through what you are now and she wanted to end it thinking that she is not good enough for you and you need another girl. Would you agree? Or would you tell her she is silly and try to work out her problems? This time she needs to be understanding. You will get over your problems, perhaps two years from now something will be eating her up and you will have to be the patient and supportive one, that's just life. You both made a step forward because you both communicated your feelings, finally. Keep doing that and don't ever bottle things up or there will be another painful burst out. You are both on the same team and in order to work you need to get things off your chest. I am glad you chose to stick together and continue to improve.

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  • AmandaYVR

    The sage continues! Well that's nice the dam has broke and you feel you've made a decision. I'm not sure why this conversation you had with her was the one that changed things or why it happened now, but it's good for you the impasse has passed.
    From everything you've ever said about her she sounds like a great girl. But, I don't think your examples actually prove that you have been treating her badly. You guys have known each other and been together a long time. I'm sure you both know that relationships change over time and one cannot expect 'the honeymoon period', as one user today asked about, to last forever. She also has to accept a certain amount of lack of excitement, etc. Many girls want more romance in their relationships and from their partners, but sometimes I do feel badly for guys that it is more up to them to create this. Guys may not say that want 'romance' but girls should also make kind gestures towards them. It is important, beneficial, shows one cares, so I'm not implying guys/people shouldn't put effort into this. But small things, or grand gestures, they all count. She's unhappy you've been "robotic" and feel like "just friends" but you are doing nice things, making effort to contribute, and having sex weekly, so really, what's the problem? Yet you admit you have been at fault with all that. Only you really know the relationship. We certainly don't. But I'm not sure you need to take the blame for that stuff. She's hurting/unhappy, and you need to respond to that, yes. But she may also need to temper her expectations a bit about that stuff specifically.
    Anyway, I'm happy for you. Maybe now you have a clear path ahead.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • NyfikenSyd

    Reading this is clear to me that you want to give the relationship another chance. And that's great. Do do - but remember that both of you really need to commit to changing how you act about it and how you treat each other. It's easy for a few days but then you risk slipping back to normal - you really need to be ready to make an effort and fight for it.

    The other thing that is obvious if that you are in no way ready to get married!! Marriage is not a magical solution and it will not fix anything or make it easier to try. Quite the opposite. So put marriage out of your minds for the foreseeable future.

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  • What can I say, I'm happy you managed to resolve it even through some screaming, toiling and tears!
    I wish you all the best, I'm rooting for you guys!

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What Girls & Guys Said

103
  • Anybody who thinks LOVE isn't messy can look right here!

    Because IT IS!

  • Hey,
    I'm really glad that the two of you managed to talk it out and understand each other. I've always believed that communication is key in any relationship. I hope the two of you never forget that and take the time to talk about your insecurities in the relationship, what you love, what you don't and everything in between. I wish the two of you the very best and hope for your happiness. Most importantly, I congratulate the two of you on your love for the other

  • GiveitaShance

    She is a keeper. She STAYED WITH YOU throughout evrything. YOU ARE THE ONE SHE WANTS!!! Dont give up on her and don't give up on yourself. Try going to therapy: by yourself and as a couple. Don't give up because of your insecurities. If you don't think you deserve her than work hard to the point where YOU BELIEVE you are deserving of her.

  • Dang. All y’all are intense. Good for you for working so hard on all of this. I wish you the best 🦋🦋🦋

  • flowers70

    If you have to ask this then you need to break up. There's no need of beating a dead horse. Anyone who is in love and happy in their relationship would never ask this question.

    • R_Cakes91

      I agree, if it’s either marry or break up then why are you with them?

    • flowers70

      Exactly

  • midnightmoon05

    Thank you for being so brave to share openly with us and with your girlfriend. She deserves the whole you, the complete you and you to her. Being able to work through struggles and be there for ea. other through high and low will make you two stronger. None of our opinions truly matter. What matters is your heart for ea. other.
    I wish you two nothing but the best. And wish more young people take this as a learning opportunity that there is no perfect relationships, it takes work like you two to make it last.

  • prasanp

    good and always remember only yours and hers opinion matter ; so do your best and when problem and doubt comes solve with her not ask with others.

  • PeacefulRainDrop

    Im soo happy you two are working through it! I was right she did still love you woot woot! You have I hope I find a guy to love me like she loves you! Glad you guys are tieing the knot and this has not destroyed you both!! I wish you all the happiness and success in the world... what id recommend is someday your home when she's at work... get the a bubble bath ready for her! With candles and nice instrumental music.. when she gets home say honey welcome home give her a hug lead her to the bathroom.. go back down stairs grab a couple freshly cooked cookies you made earlier and her favorite drink.. take it up to her.. ask her if you could join her.. get in the tub behind her... caress her body.. offer to wash it and her hair let her lean back into you and relax.. masage her body as you ask her about her day.. if she says something like Friday there's a certain activity going on take note lets say a field trip.. on Friday be sure to ask her how did the field trip go! Good luck!

    • I say instrumental music cause there's no words it allows you to feel freely... like if its the radio a break up song might come on and ruin the moment

  • cirno

    Im super happy for you that it went well ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

  • Jltakk

    A reminder that I wouldn't be able to handle a relationship with anyone.

  • Ally247

    I wish you both the best of luck

  • Harmseygrace

    Aw that's awesome.

  • MotoMoto

    Rad, once again goodluck! 💓

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