Relationships

I have retroactive jealousy OCD; a jealousy fixated on my boyfriends past!

I have retroactive jealousy OCD; a jealousy fixated on my boyfriends past!

"THE TERM RETROACTIVE JEALOUSY, or what is also referred to as “retrospective jealousy” and “retrograde jealousy,” refers to painful thoughts and curiosity regarding a partner’s past relationships and/or sexual history."

My boyfriend is so perfect and sweet, he makes me feel so loved with everything he says. He constantly tells me I am beautiful, and that he would like to marry me someday. His two exes (that I know of) have cheated on him, so there is a big doubt he would cheat in the future. I am not jealous in the sense that he isn't allowed to have female friends, I even don't mind if he hangs out with them. I trust him, although he is overprotective over me and has expressed he doesn't want me spending one-on-one time with my male friends which I respect.

Anyway, I get this SEETHING anger and jealousy thinking about the fact that my boyfriend has dated other girls before me. I obsess over the fact that he has directed his affection towards anyone else other than me in the past. I constantly try to make myself "the one" for him, the "different" one, the "hottest", the best he's ever had. These thoughts have also motivated me to want to blow him, take his virginity, etc. Don't get me wrong, it's not the running reason, I do truly love him. But I would be lying if I said I don't want to be his first to make my mark on his life as well. He told me it wasn't his first time getting a BJ, and later on all I thought about was if mine better than that girls. I HATE his exes, without knowing them. I checked his tagged pictures in his instagram and saw his prom dates. His senior year date was a very pretty girl and I immediately broke down crying because I know she might be prettier than me. (I also remember seeing her name in the list of people that viewed my insta story, what other person would do that other than a previous flame?) I am afraid he might leave me for her or even cheat and go back to her. It's the concrete proof that he has had a thing with her before that is different than another person coming into the picture. I feel the need to constantly compete with these girls, and for no good reason. I know this is irrational but I can't help it. I even think about scenarios where I would ever see her in person and the real idea of jumping on her and cutting off her hair down to the scalp with scissors crosses my mind. He has NO idea I feel this way, I am very good at hiding this. There was only one occasion where he told me he went on a date with a girl a little after we started "talking". I know we weren't together back then, but I got so angry I pushed his arms off me. He told me he always looked forward to my texts and he was smitten with me, something along those lines, and I snapped that if he was so into me he wouldn't have went on other dates. I played it off like I was kidding and messing with him shortly afterwards, just playful jealousy, but deep inside I feel this angry fire.

Anybody feel the same way or have any thoughts?

I have retroactive jealousy OCD; a jealousy fixated on my boyfriends past!
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