I promise it won't be long.
I premise that the experience I'm sharing here is not universal nor is meant to have any psychological/medical value whatsoever, they are just a couple of thoughts about my own experience in dealing with anxiety in a relationship.
Those are issues I'm already working out with a therapist, and although the results are more or less successful, I know the only way forward is to keep working on them and put even more effort into it.
So, in my experience the issues anxiety can make you face in a relationship are as follows.
- Constant comparison between our achievements
That's my primary issue and unhealthy to the max.
I could go on for hours about all her achievements and stuff she did while I achieved next to nothing - she's an accomplished photographer, drawer, posed, wrote a book, acted in a couple of independent projects, worked in all kinds of works fields, and is a certified nurse to booth.
On the other hand, I have no qualification higher than high school's, my poetry book is self-published, my stint into cultural initiatives and local politics failed and my job as "Security Manager" is little more than a glorified, lowly night guard.
I know those things shouldn't matter and that other, deeper things matter, but it still takes a good amount of effort to overcome those feelings.
- Costant callbacks to our relationship in High School
We went to High School together, and she was my senior and tutor (I'm 22, she's 25).
This often means, and that's an issue of both of us to be honest, that sometimes our relationship has shades of the dynamic we had in school. She's the smart, level-headed, accomplished one who has to teach me how to do even the most basic stuff and every proposition I come up with is seen as a bit childish and immature.
There is a fundamental lack of equality that we both recognize as an issue, and the thing we both notice is that the relationship is being handled like a school assignment, and especially her has a timetab on it - first relationship, then living together, then marriage, then...
- The anxiety follows in the bedroom
That's a given.
Thankfully, it doesn't result in problems with ED or in performing, but I do admit that sometimes I have this creeping sense of anxiety and dread when we engage in intimacy.
She reassured me and said everything is excellent for her and her needs, and she is very kind and constructive the rare times she does criticize or asks me to change something I do.
And yet, despite her overwhelmingly positive attitude, I do have this latent feeling something bad might happen or that she might find me useless if I failed to satisfy her even once.
- Constant comparison of our appearances
Another thing I should know better to not fall in.
I keep noticing how beautiful and attractive she is, while I'm not.
It's also one of the factors that brought me to work out even harder to get more fit and muscular and take more and more care of my appearance for her.
This lead to some misgiving as while she appreciates that I'm keeping myself healthy, fit and getting more attractive for her, she also wonders "who I feel the need to get attractive for" since she's already attracted to me.
It also lead to her pointing out how she stopped working out due to her new professional schedule, while I always squeeze in an hour or two even while working the night; how I stopped smoking while she's smoking even more, etc.
She laughs about it, but in the embarassed, upset way.
- Naturally, I am working on all of this and she's helping a lot
It's not something we are letting in the way of our relationship.
I know I owe her a lot for all she did for me, in those almost eight years we have known each other and in those months we have been together. I know she does see a future with me and fully knows what I can give her, an intelligent and talented woman like her is not the one to waste time with lost causes and such.
What about you?
Have you ever experienced any of those anxiety problems in your relationship, or experienced others? Share your experience.