I lay on my bed bawling my eyes out all night - my eyes red and dry as I had no more tears left to cry. My heart was physically hurting from the pain, and I just felt completely numb to the point I couldn't even bring myself to move.
Skip back 3 months earlier when it all started. I had just broken up with my first boyfriend (which only lasted a month so I wasn't too upset about it) and I had desperately followed heaps of random guys on instagram in the hopes of getting over him - bad idea I know! But before I knew it, one of the guys I had followed, slid into the dms saying I was cute and asked for my snap. We snapped each other all day for a couple days and he even called me so we could have a proper chat. 2 days later I met up with him.
We went to the beach for a swim and then we talked for hours. We talked about everything - deep chats, joking around with each other as well as finding out that we had so much in common (or so I thought we did). Before I went home he gave me his shirt to wear, and as soon as we got home we texted all night. He told me I was 'perfect' and we complemented each other all night. Sounds romantic right? Well it did to me and this is when the feelings for him started.
We had been hanging out as much as we could - usually about 3/4 times a week. I would usually go to his house and this is when I should have started seeing the red flags. However, every time I saw him, my feelings got stronger so I was blind to all the red flags. But because I liked him that much, he pressured me into doing things I wasn't ready for - only second base, but I still didn't feel ready at the time. I was doing all this and we weren't even dating yet. I think he caught onto this and realised he needed to make me his girlfriend so that I would stay, so we dated before he ended it a week later because 'he wasn't in the right place for a relationship'. Classic fuckboy move.
I wasn't too upset again because I had only known him for about a month so I moved on very quickly. However all it took was the 'I miss you' and 'I made a mistake' and 'I need you' texts a week later that made me willing to give him a second chance. We arranged to meet up the next day to talk about the situation before I could decide whether to take him back, but when it came to the next day he texted me to tell me he realised he 'only wants me for physical stuff'. Yes he said these exact words. I got mad at him and felt so angry that he thought of me like that so I blocked him on snap and stopped talking to him. I was doing good without him and was proud of myself for showing self respect and dropping him. Little did I know I would feel like this many more times.
It all started again in January when I heard he had been disrespectful to one of my friends. I texted him to call him out for it however, somehow it turned into a normal conversation, catching up on life. I unblocked him on snap after texting for a bit and then we started talking again. It felt different this time. It felt like we were more like friends and he wasn't just asking for my body. We had (what seemed like) a genuine connection. So we arranged to go on a date to the cinema.
I walked into the date knowing that I didn't need him and that I wouldn't kiss him or anything - he needed to earn the physical stuff. I walked out of the cinema having been the furthest I'd ever gone with him at the time (it was still only second base). We both went home as he said he had plans with his mates, but an hour later I got the 'come over' messages. I went over to his house and we went even further (third base) even though I did not feel ready to give him head. However, for some reason after some thought it brought out a freaky side I didn't think I had.
It was still the summer holidays at this time so we happened to both go on holiday at the same time. I didn't see him for 2 weeks but we would talk everyday. We did a lot of sending and talking dirty which made us both excited to see each other when we got back. The morning he got back from the airport he asked me to come over. I happily agreed and I knew that this would be the day I would lose my virginity.
I got to his house and we talked for ages - we hadn't talked like this since the day I met him. Then we went to his room. Things escalated and we ended up doing the deed. I had never felt so close to him at this point and my feelings were the strongest they've ever been and I really believe that it was my first love. I couldn't stop thinking about him for the days after and I have never felt like this about anyone. But a few days later the feelings were crushed.
The whole situation was a blur but it ended in him telling me that he 'can't guarantee we will alway be together forever' and him telling me that he doesn't like me in that way but he instead asked for friends with benefits. I was upset and didn't understand how he could have sex with someone who he isn't interested in. I was confused and didn't know what to do because I still loved him and wanted to at least still spend time with him, but I didn't want to lower myself to that level and I knew I deserved better than that.
We stopped talking for a bit but then somehow we started talking again. I know it was a mistake to give him this many chances but I still had feelings so it was so hard to resist it. However this time I told myself that I didn't like him and I was just here for the physical stuff. I went to his house without telling my friends and we ended up having sex again. I really managed to trick myself into not having feelings for him and that I was okay with the friends with benefits situation. But he decided to completely ignore me for about a week after. I tried to start a few convos with him but he was so dry and he would leave me on read so I took the hint and decided not to text him.
I couldn't deal with not talking to him though. If he was lucky enough for me to give my body to him I think I should have deserved to at least get a few texts from him. So I texted him and called him out and stood up for myself and said why I am not okay with what he did. However, him being the fuckboy he is, he managed to reverse the situation and made me feel like I was overreacting. He had done this so many times before and now I realise that this is a huge warning sign of a fuckboy. Because of him making me feel like this, I apologised for 'overreacting' and we started talking again. Bearing in mind this was the 5th chance I was giving him.
He persuaded me to have a small party whilst my parents were out one night. We were both drunk and we ended up doing the deed again. After we did it he acted like not much happened and him and his mates left my house shortly after. No one helped me clear up the house properly so my parents ended up finding out about the party and I was in so much trouble. I told him I got caught and he didn't seem to care. This is when I realised how toxic he is. He persuaded me to have a party when I didn't want to, as well as not caring that I got caught. This also made me realise all the other toxic traits he has and all the times he has manipulated me in the past. So I decided to stop talking to him. I knew I deserved better than some toxic, manipulative fuckboy.
However, it wasn't all over yet. He invited me over to see him and to get physical with him but I said no - I was being strong this time. However the big issue started when there was a party the next weekend that some girls from my school were hosting. I wasn't invited yet he was even though none of them had met him before apart from one of my 'friends' who had met him at my party and decided to invite him so that he could hookup with heaps of girls from my school. I told him that I didn't think it was okay for him to do this. He couldn't understand why I thought this so we got in a really big argument. It ended in him telling me we were completely done.
We had been so up and down for the past months but no time we ended it had ever felt like this. He gave me the whole speech about how it was 'all him' and that he is 'sorry for how many times he 'fucked me over'. I was hurting so much and this was the only time I have ever been able to tell him all my feelings. We ended it on semi-good terms but as soon as I got his last message saying 'see ya izzy' I broke down.
I have never been this upset over anything else before. This confused me because I didn't even think I still had feelings for him anymore. Now I reflect on the last few months I realised that I loved him despite the way he played with me and messed with my feelings. Before I met this guy, I couldn't understand how people could fall in love with a fuckboy. Now I understand because they are a fuckboy because of the way they make you feel like they care about you. They say all the right things just to get what they want, but sadly girls fall for it. I do not regret anything that has happened to me even though it has hurt me and I will still be hurting for a while. But it's okay because I have learnt from the experience and I hope you and I will never make the same mistake again.
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