Swapping the gender roles and making it work!

Swapping the gender roles and making it work!

My partner and I don’t have what most would define as a “conventional relationship”.

I was raised on a little farm in a very poor 3 woman household where there was always work to be done and we simply didn’t have the money to hire it out. We learned quickly how to fend for ourselves and take care/repair anything that needed attention. My partner was raised in the city where landlords, albeit slowly, maintained every property he had ever lived in.

I was 10 the first time I drove a vehicle (from one end of our property to the other) and took my driver’s test as soon as I was able. The first time my partner drove a car was a year and a half ago and doesn’t currently have his license because anywhere he ever needed to go was always accessible by public transit.

My partner was raised by loving but ill older parents, who fostered 4 of his nieces and nephews and relied on him to maintain the household when they were unable to do so. I was raised in a hostile home and spent as much time as I could outside of it.

In summary, we are opposites.

However, he is the Ying to my Yang, and together we raise 3 young children (2, 4 and 6) which is no easy feat on its own.

Now here is the role reversal...

I have a decent paying job and so I pay the bills. My partner is a stay at home dad. He worked nights until I had an opportunity to advance in my career. Agreeing that we didn’t want strangers watching the kids, he took on the full-time dad position.

He cleans, cooks, does dishes, laundry, baths, homework, and everything that a stay at home parent does. I do yard maintenance, fix plumbing and electrical problems, build tree houses and decks, wash the car and renovate the basement and I even do the BBQing.

He plays hide and seek. I play pass me the pliers.

He teaches them the ABC’s. I teach them how to “measure twice, cut once”.

He doctors' skinned knees. I tar holes in the roof.

He is the nurturer and I am the provider.

We are well aware that the way we live is unorthodox, and we like to joke with each other about it (even so, happens that I have a first name that is more commonly male, where he has one that can be both but is spelled the female way).

No, life isn’t perfect and some days are better than others. I can understand how emasculating it must be for him and how important it is for a man to feel like a man. I also know he feels like he brings nothing to the table which is a crushing blow for any man who is raised in a society that states he must be the provider above all things. On the worst days, we fight and he tells me he feels useless and how he thinks I would be better off without him. But thankfully we always end up talking it through, because I think it is so important for him to understand how, despite what he thinks, I couldn’t do anything without him.

He is the gas in my engine.

The battery to my drill.

But more importantly, he is the heart in our home.

He brings love into our home and that is more important than anything I can do.

So at the end of each day, even though my partner and I may swap the conventional gender roles in our house, there is one way that I always make sure to remind him that he is the man…

and damn if he doesn’t make me feel like a woman when I do.

Swapping the gender roles and making it work!
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Most Helpful Guy

  • Are you expecting the stereotypical extra macho men with 11 inch now days to accept this!
    Am with you, it's balanced and it's nice how things appears. Me and the wife (no kids) do 50-50 things at home , i just explained to someone this, some times i do more than she does, and some time she does more than me. She is a farmer daughter , she is tough and knows her stuff. We are are so different but i do most of the hard work, she does hard work too but am always there so she can relax and i see the hard work as a work out sometimes.
    It's sad there still people with this thought that the woman's place is in the house and the man works and so on. No one is accepting times has changed, both men and women work as hard, sometime like in your case, the man is at home and you are out working. People are never ready to see things go the other way, it's 2020 but their 1400's mentality is still present.
    It's wonderful how you describe your man, not many can say it and not many will even talk about it either.

    Enjoy your midsummer weekend.
    Is this still revelant?
    • McMillanD

      Thank you so much.
      You are very right, I have been getting mostly hateful replys from "mocho men", which I knew I probably would. Doesn't make it hurt any less though.
      Comments from amazing men like you honestly make it all worth it. It is so good to know there are open minded people out there who aren't taking this as some kind of threat.
      You and your wife are lucky to have eachother.

Most Helpful Girl

  • That’s awesome! I know couples who do that and make it work. My husband and I do things pretty equally and sometimes we switch things off, like if I’m at work he’ll cook and clean. He works longer hours but I juggle multiple jobs so our schedule isn’t always the same. I just don’t have time to do it all in a day.
    Is this still revelant?
    • McMillanD

      The biggest thing is just having eachothers backs and making sure that you are giving eachother that respect, it really goes a long way.

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • Apple1996
    That's cool y'all make it work. Personally I think men aren't designed for raising small children. But that's just my opinion, if you make it work then good for you
  • Well yes it seems you guys have a good relationship together and if he isn't fully comfortable all the time - reassure him that when the children are more mature and not in need of 24 hour care, that he can go back to work if he would like - even if it is a part time job or side gig such as morning bus driver or part time crossing guard etc... A friend of mine's married to a man who makes millions and she's made a very low salary as a data entry clerk at a bank for 3 decades. She is happy to work - even if she isn't making that much and her husband has never assumed any inequality with her even though he earns more than her.
  • Oram52
    Its 21st century so I don't understand why their is still stigma attached or why it is seen as negative if men become househusbands or or role reversal as you called it. Same way women can still be feminine if they work men are also still masculine if they stay at home. Career women are miserable trying to juggle everything, even willing to give up their careers to raise kids why not explore other option. 51% of millennials are fine with staying at home but the problem is still women, they see it as feminine, and don't exactly find men wanting to stay at home desirable.

    It takes time though of course for societal norms to change. Few decades ago it was frowned upon women working, who's going to raise the kids? But today its normal. So slowly men staying at home will also become normal.

    I'm curious though how did you reach the decision to swap gender roles, your partner staying at home full time for example. Did it just happen or was it a conscious decision, something you desired to do. Why do you think you didn't explore this option right from the start? What sort of thinking lead to this or was it just random and it just happened?
    • McMillanD

      I admire your point of view and could not agree more. The mindset has to change.

      As far as the abilities I have to do the maintenence and what not, I developed them over time growing up the way I did. I did not consciously set out to "swap rolls" in any way, it came out of necessity, and when I met my partner and discovered he didn't know how to do these things, it wasn't a big deal because I did, and if need be I could teach him what to do to help.
      On the flip side he was way more of a caregiver than I ever had to be, and already had all of the experience one could get in maintaining a household.
      That may not be how most people do it, but together we make a great team.

      As far as career wise, when we met he was a Judo instructor, but broke his collarbone and stepped away from that to heal (he does intend to go back at some point, but isn't sure if he can do it on a competitive level anymore). So for a while he was doing factory work at nights and myself working during the day, one of us was always home with the kids. It worked for a while but it was a strain for many reasons, including how we never got to see eachother. I liked my job and when I started making more money but working longer hours, it just made sense for him to have a much deserved break, and now everyone is much happier.

  • NYCQuestions1976
    If it works and keeps everyone happy and healthy, then that's all that matters.

    Out of curiosity, what is your career and was his career before you got your raise?

    If you guys decide to have more kids, would you stay home on leave for a short time while he resumes employment briefly? Or would you guys continue your normal routine immediately after childbirth?
    • McMillanD

      I work for onroute I started as just a timmies girl but have been lucky enough to work my way up slowly.
      And as for more kids and stuff, honestly we haven't talked about it. I suppose I would take the time off, especially if I was going to breastfeed. But I guess that depends on where we were financially. Ideally it would be nice if we could both have the time off with a newborn, they are exhausting haha.

    • McMillanD

      Oh and he was a martial arts (Judo) instructor.
      He also does Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai.
      He has plans to open his own dojo someday when all of his training and requirements are met.

    • Sounds like you guys have everything under control and set up nicely. Good luck with everything! 👍

  • FakeName123
    Give it a few more years of this kind of arrangement. It's not exactly a secret in therapy that these arrangements will backfire after some time.

    If it then still works, you can call yourself and your partner the odd ones out. Chances are it will not.
  • ThisIsMyOpinion
    My wife makes more money than me. I also have a good job, we both bring money home and I only make slightly less than her, but it's still less and I don't feel at all emasculated by that.
    Men who think that they only have value as long as they are the main provider have no idea what their actual value as men is.
    • Unit1

      "Men who think that they only have value as long as they are the main provider have no idea what their actual value as men is."

      Care to explain that one?

    • @Unit1 Let me start by asking what do you think your value as a man is?

    • Unit1

      Inevitably it's the money, the job prospective, what I have (speaking of physical materials) and what my own status and mindset is.

      If I can entertain her or make her smile or make her giggle, it's good.
      If I can give good sex, it's good.
      If I can give/receive good massages, it's good.
      If I can travel or go out doing fun things, it's good.
      If I can support her (physically, emotionally, aspiring her etc...), it's good.
      If I can cook good, it's good.
      And if she wants huggles 24/7, i'm (almost) always there with open arms.
      I also have some personal interests but I highly doubt, that this will spark interest in women - namely in technologies, computer science, computer security (encrypting my stuff, avoiding google, avoiding social media etc...), maintaining servers and backups and so on.

      The thing is I can do all of these. But women ignore me. I did see how men like me aren't alone in all that because even the handsome guys, who are working as psychologists or software developers for example get ignored by women.

      Sometimes I think people shift blame towards something else just to make themselves feel better about it (and so they say "i'm too ugly/dumb/useless/a failure/have a tiny dick") while thinking that this addresses their problem.

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  • G3tAClue
    I mean yeah, as long as the man and woman are working together and work is evenly distributed, who gives a shit who does what. Gender roles are stupid, anyways.

    I live with my boyfriend and he’s the handy man given that he owns his own construction business and I clean and cook. We both work so chores are just done whenever either of us can do them. I don’t really pay attention to gender roles in my relationship. Sometimes it just comes down to who has more time.
  • See in 10 years, you guys will be divorced. Women are supposed to be the nurturers and men, the providers. The woman in this relationship is more likely to look elsewhere. Traditional gender roles have been existing for a very long time so this sudden change to gender roles is never going to suffice, good luck.
  • spartan55
    I think you and your husband have figured out what works best for your family, and executed that plan. Traditional roles in society seem to be immovable, so I don't dwell on them too much. It is heartearming to me how, mindful you are of your husband's mindset and contributions. THAT
    MEANS A LOT TO HIM. Take it from someone who never got any in 10 years.
  • Massageman
    I don't even like to USE the term "gender roles". yech!
    There are males, there are females. but I digress- - -
    We do what we need to do to live our lives. Period.

    Suffice it to say that there were several times in our 44 year marriage when I was working and she was home managing, she was working part-time and I was working full-time, and we both home-managing with neither of us working, I wasn't working and she was - - - - you name the combination, we probably experienced it! I would have needed a scorecard to keep track!
    Right now, she is in a position to earn more than I can due to some of my physical limitations, so she brings in the bulk of the income. I do the everyday jazz, almost all the cooking (I enjoy and I'm good at it), laundry, weekly gardening, hot tub cleaning, and fix-up stuff. She will do the "Sunday night housecleaning" and hand wash pots etc that don't fit in the dishwasher (which is my domain), and she will help with "the big weeding jobs" in the garden (she's small and can get into places that I can't).
    So, yes, I'm used to doing "whatever makes it work". It's not a matter of sex, and it's not a matter of (gritting my teeth) "roles". It's just a matter of being a determined duo and developing your own way to - - - - - - - - (hit it, Larry) - - -- - - - https://www.youtube.com/embed/xfbQ81SJn8s
    • Massageman

      And I bet you both REALLLLLLLLY like the end of the day!

  • DocT1977
    My wife and I do things in a 50/50 sort of fashion. We both work. SO there is no reason her and I should not split the household duties. She can keep being the female and I'll keep being the male. We both have roles to fulfill and we are above all other things, a team. We both do our fair share of work around the house and I'm pleased with this arrangement.
  • nelly83
    Never ever marry someone who insists on gender roles. In our society where housewife is becoming increasingly unaffordable and unsustainable , such a life will not be happy. A man who insists on gender roles are usually egotistical men who hate the fact that women can also have the power to make a living
  • nodnol32
    This was beautiful to read. The important thing is that you both love each other. A couple with children pretty much has the same responsibilities that you both do. Its just a swap in the gender roles and there's nothing wrong.
  • blutwolfe
    that sounds great lol, granted stereotypes are a thing so not sure how that plays out, always kinda wanted to be a stay at home dad just cause rough childhood so my kids don't have what I did. Most women I come across want to be the stay at home but I feel it's hard to trust lol
  • Nalix
    In every relationship there are things that need to be done, and it really doesn't matter who does them. Some tasks really are physically suited better to one sex than the other, but most could be done by either. Every couple needs to find and work out their balance. Most gender roles are based on preference and not need. I'm glad it works for you.
  • flamiE
    Well done you two for finding a way that works for both of you.
    Me personally I can never be with a man like that, I would have 0 respect for him. A man’s gotta be masculine for me to look at him in a romantic way. But I’m glad there’re strong women like you out there.
  • HartleyB
    If it works then I say go for it! There is no rational objection to this lifestyle for both parties :) I just don't know how you are paying for a whole family on one income these days, I would like your job what ever it is! 😅

    Good stuff though :) i hope you and your partner and kids live a happy and healthy life
  • Phoenix98
    Well that's great if that works for you two so long as your both content and happy about it.

    But I am a traditional man with a traditional mindset so that whole thing doesn't work for me. Plus I like my job and I like being outside and working with my hands, I could never sit in a house all day taking care of kids. I have a hard enough time dealing with the kids I deal with when I'm out in the fields for two weeks. I have to either be working with my hands, moving around and or being outside. Sitting inside all day taking care of the house and kids just ain't for me. I'd be downright miserable lol even after doing manual labor for 8-10+ hours I still take about a 1-2 hour walk when I get home after dark.

    That being said I'm all for sharing or taking turns with the house, kids, responsibility and all that as it should be. I just can't and won't be the wife and mother of the house if you get what I mean.

    But it's good that kind of dynamic works for you guys ^_^.
    • McMillanD

      That's good. Everyone should do what makes them happy and you know where yours is.
      I am a very outdoorsy person too and our family goes on a lot of "adventures" (hiking, camping and etc) I think it is incredibly important for the soul that people spend time in the outdoors.

    • Phoenix98

      For sure.

  • AD240pCharlie
    That's great. I don't think I could do it personally, but if that's what people like, then all power to them. I can understand how he feels about it at times like you mentioned, and it isn't really that easy since things like that can often be pretty uncomfortable to talk about. I mean, who wants to hear that they're making their partner feel "undervalued" or "emasculated" without meaning to?
  • bamesjond0069
    I'm glad it works for y'all. But in my head i just could never respect a man who got himself into that kind of a mess. Just seems super humiliating. I would be super worried you would cheat too because irl most couples who are more like this the women have cheated with very masculine men.
  • Ronnie_45
    Women want alimony, women want easy jobs and women want men to work at home and help women's house works. This shows feminism is an ilness that sees men as slaves. Alimony should be removed and women should start to work all kind of jobs that men do. And women should go to military as men. Then you have a right to say men should help us at work.

    Now you women are just hypocrites. And nothing more!
  • ThisAndThat
    Some traits interchange, some won't. But swapping gender roles isn't natural and will never work properly. To think so is an illusion.
    • McMillanD

      Works for us. Maybe we are just the exception. But I think as long as you can respect your partner and their abilities, even if it's not what you were raised to believe than you can make it work if you want or need it to.

  • Unit1
    If it works for you, then who are the readers to tell you otherwise?
    there will be shaming, stigma, judgments and meanness and whatnot but none of that matters as long as you both are happy. And Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
  • David_Kek
    Question; how many of those 3 children are actually his?
    • McMillanD

      Not 1. But that doesn't make him any less their father.

    • David_Kek

      I like how some woman disliked my comment, when it turned out being more true than i assumed.

    • McMillanD

      To clarify, I was in a long term previous relationship. The kids father and I split shortly after the youngest was born, and he still keeps in contact with the kids but not on a regular basis because he is starting a family with someone else.
      We had our own reasons for splitting. I admit I am way too much for some men to handle and the way I see and do things is definitely not for everyone. But there IS someone out there for everyone, despite your flaws, shortcomings, baggage or personality. Someone who can love you for just how you are. You just gotta find them.
      And the biggest thing is having respect and an open mind and accepting them for who they are as well.

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  • imthatsteve
    That actually sounds like a dream. I would love to be a stay at home dad and raise my kids full time. He is a lucky man.
    Poor guy
    A man needs to work
    I would go crazy being a stay at home dad
    He made it worse for himself allowing you to do the handy work too
    Hopefully he can resume work when those kids get a little older
  • DeltaCharlieEcho
    Yeah yeah yeah... You're special and not like other girls. You like trucks, hate shopping, and can't stand drama.

    Just like every other playing molded, bargain bin Barbie...
  • ariadneR
    I absolutely love this.
    There is so much more to the conventional roles that society demands of us, and you and your partner execute it effortlessly
  • Freddy78361
    Glad it works for you. Life is too short to beclijited by other people's rules. Unless they are felonies. You should follow those rules.

    How long has this worked for your family?
  • John_Doesnt
    There's no such thing as gender roles. Just current society trends.
  • ask4any
    If it works for you guys, fuck what other's say or think. You guys have a great situation, kids with both loving parents and a home where any kid ( or adult) would love to have. Will you adopt me?
    • ask4any

      Hey Mac, can you change my oil for me!!

  • PonyCarGirl98
    This made my night. I'm so glad y'all are happy together <3 What a beautiful relationship
  • Rapidash
    This is such a cute my take! I love it and so happy for you guys <3
  • MountAverage
    The only thing that matters is that you and your husband are happy with how things are. Good for you! :)
  • The difference exists in the mind of people, it's not 'gender roles' (for the most parts).
  • Jacked_Jones
    Your Parther is a Brainwashed Indoctrinated beta Cuck, only weak Man fall for it, your guy has no Eyes to see, Eyes wide Shut.
    • If the dude is happy what's the big deal?

    • @ThisIsMyOpinion he's not Happy, Its not his Nature.

    • Nature? We are humans we evolved past nature, otherwise we would still be living in caves. We have primal instincts sure, but those don't dictate if you are happy or not as a house husband.

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  • neteliay
    My wife and I both work. We have jobs and shares that we both have to fulfill, and we can overcome everything. I share housework. My wife can still be a man, and I can still be a woman
  • hotfirework
    Whatever turns you on I suppose. You seem to be happy and that's all that matters
  • Ámayas_20
    I'm glad you guys are happy! Whatever works for your family is all that matters.
  • YourGirlGigi
    Hey, maintaining the family is both genders responsibility in my eyes. You get the dishes, while I cook or visa versa. You help with the homework and I get them ready for bed. Clean the house, maintain the lawn together, etc. It's family teamwork. We both work 9 to 5 jobs. By doing so, you won't exhaust a person's energy and time to be intimate with them. You can have fun nights, etc. And, not "Babe, I'm tired." Or, he or she drifts off to a social media, porn or another woman or man for fun and excitement or someone to talk too. We don't live traditionally anymore. I say manage your family as one see fit. Life happens and maybe "he" is home for a moment. If there's kids involved, he would handle the care once she leaves the house. It just makes sense. It's a family, right? You both wanted it, so now you both take care of the family.
  • gabrial97
    I rather commit suicide instead of switching roles.
    • I know the saying usually goes "DON't hit yourself on your way out", but to switch things up a little (lol) let me tell you: do hit yourself on your way out!

  • JDavid25
    "We are well aware that the way we live is unorthodox".. It's more thanunorthodox, it's kina unnatural.. Especially since statistically you guys are an anomaly.. The reason gender roles exist is because there is a natural component to them, and those natural components are passed down as lessons to the next generation and sometimes exaggerated. And of course there is more to it than you tell us because you made it sweet and short to hold a narrative, but it's good that you guys are makin it work..
    • LeoElias

      There are some things to gender roles that I fucking hate and I don't plan on doing. We shouldn't enforce all gender roles because some of them are ridiculous and most people don't even do them anymore.

    • JDavid25

      @LeoElias Nobody actually enforces gender roles.. There is not a book of rules on what men and women should do.. There are social constructions to gender roles, but gender roles are just an extension of natural tendencies between men and women..

    • Kitz95

      I kind of agree with you, but in my opinion I think you have it backwards. Gender roles are a social construct with some nature elements. Which are kind of obsolete in the developed world. Just look at the hunter/gatherer dynamic and survival of the fittest. Many of these things don’t apply at the evolutionary point we are in.

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  • GlitterFairy16
    Me and my boyfriend have quite similar skills. He was also raised on a farm like yourself and has learnt how to fend for himself since a very young age but he is also very well house trained as well. He can cook and clean for himself to.

    Right now im working on the farm with him but before i was the bread winner in the relationship working full time getting regular pay. Meaning he was always at home whilst working and had time to make dinner and clean to when id stay over at his.

    We have a very equal relationship but he definitely does more of the looking after me then i do with him. Simply due to are 3 year age gap to he has more independence than i do.

    But eventually i hope are relationship can be one were we are bouth equal and can take turns in the house hold rolls. We have both be been brought up to take care of are self but it's still nice to be took care of or care for others at times.
  • LeoElias
    I don't even care. Good for you. I just know that not all women want to take care of their men like fucking babies
  • I doubt it would work. We each have our own advantages and disadvantages.
  • eschneider
    I don't women's work, just like women don't do men's work. Like change the oil or the brakes in the car, fix or build anything.
  • Daniel_Dano
    Nice joke , you can dream about this but not many men will accept such a bullshit, maybe if he was a sissy
    • Kitz95

      Or maybe he’s comfortable enough with his sexuality that it doesn’t bother him. I for one think is great that they make it work. I don’t think wanting a traditional household is bad, some men and women still prefer it. I just don’t think it’s ok to shame people that want it differently and viceversa.

  • karangill
    My only question is how would you change the biology?
    • Laraitta

      😂😂 True

    • karangill

      Right? I mean I don't understand what people means when they say anything other than straight or gay.

  • karinefreti
    great, my boyfriend was a macho and manly man, and now i've managed to feminize him. I makeup him, he's wearing heels and he's no longer macho
  • WalkingCorpse
    Im tired of working so why not. Lets switch roles i just want to stay home