Before this MyTake, I wrote another one pointing out the flaws of my ex (5 red flags). This one is an insight of how I contributed to the fall of the relation.
⚠️The LDR ended years ago. It lasted 3 years.
It was December 2013 when I met her in a chatroom. I was 23 at the time, she was 22. I instantly felt a deep conection with her, and she with me. It was insane for both.
Two months later after we met, we decided to have a LDR. I was in college (my second year), she was also starting college. We were two college students. Everything was going apparently great, until...
1. I CHEATED ON HER ONLINE
That was among the worst decisions I made in my life.
Why in the world I did that? I failed to express my concerns and be totally honest with how I was feeling with our relation.
*Concerns: "Four months has passed since we met and we haven't made a video call. She doesn't seem to care neither, is this for real or she is playing with me?".
*The laptop I used was failing, my celphone was an old model celphone. I had to go to cyber caffes (popular in those times) and chat with her.
*She never mentioned video call from day 1 of the LDR, neither after my laptop was repared and I had a continous internet conection.
*Much after I cheated and confessed we did video calls.
2. SEXUAL EXPECTATIONS THAT CLASHED WITH REALITY:
I PREASURED HER SOMETIMES
They clashed and my expectations cracked. She confessed (my now ex):
"I am virgin". It surprised me and is not something I cared for.
Virgin, not virgin. I don't give any value to that, but I understood her more, so I decided to take it slow.
Everything was going well, but I couldn't figure out how our relation was gonna last without at least virtual sex. I am still very sexual, back then I was even more, but she wasn't (for reasons I don't fully comprehend up to this day).
My sexual expectations were scrambling. Yes, I preasured her. I didn't want to cheat, but I neither wanted a sexless relation. It was wrong, however it didn't lasted. I felt emotionally empty and stop forcing that aspect of the relation. I gave in to porn, and on ocassions, to cheating on her with different women's, online.
3. I STAYED BLIND TO HOW HER MENTAL STATE WAS DAMAGING ME
From the times we were just getting to know each other, I noticed an unresonable jealousy from her part, also a deep insecurity that was notorious in the sexual sphere. I told myself I wasn't gonna be her therapist, but that I was gonna support her like a boyfriend. I did that, I also encouraged her to seek for therapy.
I did that without realizing how her mental state was detrimental for me.
Her needs were others and my expectations didn't match with hers. She didn't wanted me as a partner, she wanted a partner, any partner. She wanted to feel loved and not alone.
4. I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW I WAS HARMING HER EMOTIONALLY
I had my expectation as a priority to keep up the relationship with her, the problem was that we weren't seeking for the same needs. While I was looking for a romantic relationship: sexual in nature, she was looking for a romantic relation: asexual in nature.
Her romantic needs didn't aligned with mine. In my effort to make the relation sexual in nature, I was affecting her. She was virgin at the time. Accordingly she never had any sexual experience online, neither. Obviously those differences created tension and they made her feel a lot of stress, since she didn't want to step in into something she wasn't sure of.
The relation it self didn't have a sure future, so of course, she felt stressed, insecure with the relation; with her role as my girlfriend, and of what I wanted. Although she also had concerns about us been an interracial couple in Spain. In other words, she wasn't feeling comfortable with the relation itself. I wasn't concious of how my desires were her burdens.
5. I WAS A TOXIC OPTIMIST
The optimism I developed was contagious. My ex thought we were gonna see each other more sooner than later. I also believed it, knowing that I wasn't near to end college, that I wasn't gonna abandone college for her, that I couldn't work part time because my mother health condition was in decay. If it wasn'r for that toxic optimism I wouldn't agree to have a "serious" LDR. Both of us agree it was gonna be serious. I think since then, I refused to believe my life condition and top priorities weren't going in accordance with the present and future of the relation. We had a time difference of 7-8 hours, we also had familly and academical responsabilities.
Our optimism did more harm than good.
✔️Thanks for reading the MyTake. I hope it was insightful for you.