myReview 24 d

How I ruined my long distance relationship: 5 things I did!

DiegoO

Before this MyTake, I wrote another one pointing out the flaws of my ex (5 red flags). This one is an insight of how I contributed to the fall of the relation.

⚠️The LDR ended years ago. It lasted 3 years.

It was December 2013 when I met her in a chatroom. I was 23 at the time, she was 22. I instantly felt a deep conection with her, and she with me. It was insane for both.

Two months later after we met, we decided to have a LDR. I was in college (my second year), she was also starting college. We were two college students. Everything was going apparently great, until...

1. I CHEATED ON HER ONLINE

That was among the worst decisions I made in my life.

Why in the world I did that? I failed to express my concerns and be totally honest with how I was feeling with our relation.

*Concerns: "Four months has passed since we met and we haven't made a video call. She doesn't seem to care neither, is this for real or she is playing with me?".

*The laptop I used was failing, my celphone was an old model celphone. I had to go to cyber caffes (popular in those times) and chat with her.

*She never mentioned video call from day 1 of the LDR, neither after my laptop was repared and I had a continous internet conection.

*Much after I cheated and confessed we did video calls.

2. SEXUAL EXPECTATIONS THAT CLASHED WITH REALITY:

I PREASURED HER SOMETIMES

They clashed and my expectations cracked. She confessed (my now ex):

"I am virgin". It surprised me and is not something I cared for.

Virgin, not virgin. I don't give any value to that, but I understood her more, so I decided to take it slow.

Everything was going well, but I couldn't figure out how our relation was gonna last without at least virtual sex. I am still very sexual, back then I was even more, but she wasn't (for reasons I don't fully comprehend up to this day).

My sexual expectations were scrambling. Yes, I preasured her. I didn't want to cheat, but I neither wanted a sexless relation. It was wrong, however it didn't lasted. I felt emotionally empty and stop forcing that aspect of the relation. I gave in to porn, and on ocassions, to cheating on her with different women's, online.

3. I STAYED BLIND TO HOW HER MENTAL STATE WAS DAMAGING ME

From the times we were just getting to know each other, I noticed an unresonable jealousy from her part, also a deep insecurity that was notorious in the sexual sphere. I told myself I wasn't gonna be her therapist, but that I was gonna support her like a boyfriend. I did that, I also encouraged her to seek for therapy.

I did that without realizing how her mental state was detrimental for me.

Her needs were others and my expectations didn't match with hers. She didn't wanted me as a partner, she wanted a partner, any partner. She wanted to feel loved and not alone.

4. I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW I WAS HARMING HER EMOTIONALLY

I had my expectation as a priority to keep up the relationship with her, the problem was that we weren't seeking for the same needs. While I was looking for a romantic relationship: sexual in nature, she was looking for a romantic relation: asexual in nature.

Her romantic needs didn't aligned with mine. In my effort to make the relation sexual in nature, I was affecting her. She was virgin at the time. Accordingly she never had any sexual experience online, neither. Obviously those differences created tension and they made her feel a lot of stress, since she didn't want to step in into something she wasn't sure of.

The relation it self didn't have a sure future, so of course, she felt stressed, insecure with the relation; with her role as my girlfriend, and of what I wanted. Although she also had concerns about us been an interracial couple in Spain. In other words, she wasn't feeling comfortable with the relation itself. I wasn't concious of how my desires were her burdens.

5. I WAS A TOXIC OPTIMIST

The optimism I developed was contagious. My ex thought we were gonna see each other more sooner than later. I also believed it, knowing that I wasn't near to end college, that I wasn't gonna abandone college for her, that I couldn't work part time because my mother health condition was in decay. If it wasn'r for that toxic optimism I wouldn't agree to have a "serious" LDR. Both of us agree it was gonna be serious. I think since then, I refused to believe my life condition and top priorities weren't going in accordance with the present and future of the relation. We had a time difference of 7-8 hours, we also had familly and academical responsabilities.

Our optimism did more harm than good.

How I ruined my long distance relationship: 5 things I did!

✔️Thanks for reading the MyTake. I hope it was insightful for you.

How I ruined my long distance relationship: 5 things I did!
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Most Helpful Girl

  • VIVANT
    I think you both sounded perfectly healthy it felt off bc as you say, you had very difficult needs. But shutter if you had the wrong heeds or the wrong ficus just wrong for each other. Some people are extremely sexual otters barely at all if at all some are heavily romantic some hardly at all, if at all and anything in between. I think you csn gwce some diff like 40/60 if you can find footing in the middle but you guys sounded like 90/10 with no needing ground. It can be difficult to assess it’s not gonna work when you really like each other. For me I never understood you could like or love someone but not get along. Until I experienced it that is. I think you summed things up real well. Your next relationship should be more suited to you both as a result ♥️
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Guy

  • OlderAndWiser
    And now you are older and wiser. These relationships are not "mistakes" as long as you learn your lessons and become a better person as a result. You are doing well.
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Chikky
    I'm so sad it didn't have a happy ending, wish you both the best in your life decisions
  • TruthBringer
    I would like to compliment you for self-reflecting and acknowledging your mistakes. As others have pointed out, LDRs are a complete waste of time. So I hope you will stay away from them and try your luck with a local person. They are actually more beneficial for women than for men. It’s free and constant validation from someone they don’t even have to be intimate with (on a physical level that is). And the fact your ex jumped into another LDR goes to show that it’s more about the attention/validation rather than the person themselves (this was in my case aswel). So she “loves” the other person just as much as she “loved” you.

    As someone who knows how it is to be a in LDR, I can summarize them as the following: LDRs bring more pain than joy. You spend more time longing than enjoying. There is virtually nothing you cannot do in a local relationship that you can do in a long-distance relationship. I've made more memories in 1 month in my local relationship than I did in my 1.5 years of a long-distance relationship. There is a reason why it doesn't last for most people. While people spend time apart and longing for each other, I'm actually spending time with my girlfriend regularly, be able to save money, be there on holidays and important events, do fun stuff spontaneously and do all the other small things (like going to the mall, movies, etc.). Good luck doing those things in a LDR. Especially those who don't have a solid plan to close the distance asap.

    So why am I saying all of this? To give you more validation that the end of that LDR is in your favor and that you should not regret it being over. Because in the end, you deserve to have someone who is there for you and have a real relationship rather than a pseudo one. Because LDRs are more often than not nothing more than pseudo-relationships.
    • DiegoO

      I agree for the most part. I wouldn't call them pseudo-relationships. A relationship exist because of emotional bonds and a sentiment. It can appear in the least expected place, under the least expected situation. Personally, despite not been able to go further with the relation, I still treasure what I had, knowing that the only thing certain is what I felt while it lasted. I believe that applies even in conventional relationships.

      Would I seek for a LDR again? No, not even if I had the facility to take it to the next level. The LDR I experienced helped me affirm the excepticism I had towards serious LDR ( I had non-serious LDR), before steping in one.

      Did I wasted my time with my ex (yes, I consider her my ex)? No, I gain a wisdom I didn't have.

      I can only understand a one time experience with a serious LDR. Honestly, I scratch my head with those who keeps putting their hopes on online dating. My ex, went for it again and yeah, she met the guy in person, and the relation still failed.

      Don't get me wrong, LDR manifest how far our romantic feelings can go. It doesn't mean that they are sustainable or even functional. From day one, serious gaps starts to appear in those relationships. I don't recomend them at all. They can genuinly florish, but not healthy, and not for long. Is like a plant trying to develop and survive in an inert soil.

    • With all due respect, it is ingenuine to not call LDRs pseudo-relationships considering many of them don't have the chance to materialize. It may not be in your case, but for many they have never even met in person or managed to close the distance. It is definitely not to be compared with normal relationships that HAVE materialized. And by "materialize" I'm talking about seeing each other, touching each other. Nothing and I repeat, NOTHING beats face-to-face and physical interaction. Hence why so many businessdeals are formed by going through the hassle of traveling abroad and not done by a simple Skype call. Because Skype calls don't bring crucial factors that face-to-face interactions do.

      So LDRs would become nothing but "penpals" in the digital age convincing each other they "love" each other without even having to touch one another. It truly is no different from friendships other than a 'deeper' bond if you think about it. You and I consider our previous LDR partners as exes, but in my case, it doesn't even come near my current relationship where my girl lives nearby and will soon move in with me as I continue my training abroad.

      Online dating, with all its flaws pushed to the side, is fine as long as both parties are within each other's proximity and are willing to meet up with each other. Much better than online dating that will eventually become a redundant LDR. Like I said, your ex cares more about the attention/validation than she does about the person. Hence why she has no issues jumping from one virtual dick to another.

    • DiegoO

      Different opinions. I am not changing mine. Your view is more conservative, I respect that. For me LDR are complex.

      If people can "love" a god they never have seen, what makes you think we actually can't develop that feeling for someone we only see trough cam? Then, again, it doesn't mean LDR are healthy. I never met in person my ex, but I consider her my ex since what I felt for her was genuine. What she felt for me is irelevant at this point. You can't know for sure what someone else feels for you.

      A pseudo-relationship is a fake relationship.
      A relationship can only be fake if the intention of having it is not real, or honest. That doesn't limit itself to the virtual world. So, by my part, the relationship was real. Evidently for my ex it was pseudo because she taught I had another girl (that's why months after the breakup, she started liking another guy and met him in person).

      *Her jealousy was notorious.

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  • menina
    Thanks for sharing this. I can see that your LDR wasn't easy at all. You guys had too many differences that's why it didn't work out. I'm sorry. But I share one of her concerns.
    I'm sure this take will help other people who are in a LDR.
    Hopefully you'll have better luck in your next relationship. 😉😊
    • DiegoO

      Hmm, it's hard to say how it would work out if at least the time difference wasn't a headache.

    • menina

      As someone who was in a LDR with a huge time difference I can totally get that. It's not easy but some couples make it work. Perhaps you guys weren't meant to be.

    • DiegoO

      I don't believe in the "meant to be"mindset. If it didn' work, it didn't work.

      It could have worked, perhaps under different circumstances, who knows, but I am more than sure there was no chance for the relationshio to develop.

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  • wysiwyg2525
    First off she is no virigin. 2 you need update your thing gs stay current. 3. porn is not cheating or flirting with others. I guarantee you you were not the only guy she was chatting with. Loom long distance relationship never work. It's best that you end things and look for someone in the current place your in. Never regret anything and keep moving on. It's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them. There many women out there. So happy hunting.
    • DiegoO

      I did mention it all ended 4 years ago. The MyTake was only an insight of my mistakes in the relation.

    • DiegoO

      Mistake and wrong choice*

  • MrOracle
    "How I ruined my long distance relationship:"

    You got into one. That was a huge mistake. LDRs are a waste of time. People who are married and deeply committed to each other have about a 10% chance of being successful if they're apart for 120 days or more. People who have less commitment have a considerably worse chance of success.

    DATE LOCALLY. GO OUTSIDE AND MEET PEOPLE IN PERSON IN YOUR AREA. That's the only way you'll even have a chance of success.
    • DiegoO

      Yeah, that's clear for me. The MyTake was only an insight of how I complicated things. It will actually be the last one related to my experience with LDR.

    • MrOracle

      Glad to hear you learned the lesson. Everyone seems to have to give an LDR a shot before they will admit that they don't work - and a few people do it over and over and still never learn. Dating locally is better for everyone.

    • DiegoO

      My ex actually did it again, with a guy she met in person. They lived in near cities. What I knew is that her father almost callef the cops after the guys. She didn't gave me much details. From what she explained, he was a controlling freak.

  • pink_and_inlove
    You definitely weren’t ready for a relationship. Cheating is not okay I hope that you’ve changed and realized that it’s the worst thing that you could do in a relationship.
    • However, the first step to learning from your mistakes is admitting your mistakes and you did that so that is good.

    • Just don’t do these things again they’re very messed up and horrible you don’t know how much this could damage and hurt a person

    • I also strongly think that you shouldn’t do a long distance relationship again i also wouldn’t want to be in one

    • Show All
  • Miristheiss
    Long Distance Relationship.

    What a waste of time.
    I am flabbergasted so many out there think they can do these.

    If you do not live in the same place and cannot see each other regularly then what is the point? Things will end eventually.

    If 2 people have to live in different places... break up.

    Your long distance relationship was "ruined" because it was a long distance relationship. Just think of all of the girls you could have dated and spent REAL time with during that 3 years of utter waste.
    • DiegoO

      I am not sure if you heard of toxic optimism before. That's exactly what happened to me at that time, and yeah, lol, I believed we were gonna make it trough.

      What surprised me is that she had the guts to start another LDR, after our relation ended (according to what she told me the last time we stayed in contact). The guy lived much, much near to her (in her same country). Although they met in person, the relation didn't last long.

      If I used my common sense I wouldn't even consider having a LDR, but I decided to take the risk.

    • @Miristheiss Long-distance relationships are not always a waste of time. It's better than completely nothing.

      I learned so much about myself by just dating (online/long-distance) 5 guys. Not even being in a relationship with any of them.

      I learned more about my personality, and what I like/dislike about guys. I feel like I'm much better at interacting with guys too.

      I agree that LDRs are not good for real commitments. But, you get to have emotional growth (and maybe virtual physical growth) if you really put into much effort in the LDR.

      And I believe growths of any kind will help with the next real relationships in reality!

    • DiegoO

      @MedAsianGirl I agree. I learned enough from it. 😅

  • Starwitch23
    I loved reading your Mytake. Everything you said are quite accurate.
  • Zygum
    Mostly long distance relationship is not successful, both partners have their either family or financial problems, hardly long distance partners have met and married in practical, mostly their relationships have broken, I myself have very bad experience, I spent money for my long distance girlfriend, but I could not get her with me, I blamed her for betroyal but she continously refused, but I feel that she is liar and cheater. So I advise readers to avoid long distance relationships
    • What did you spend your money on for your long-distance relationship? I was thinking about the financial aspect of a LDR but I haven't had the chance to really make it happen yet haha

    • Zygum

      @MedAsianGirl, The girl was a Christian and was friend of a Muslim girl, the Muslim, took oath on Holy Book about the character and intention of relationship of her Christian friend

    • Zygum

      @MedAsianGirl, that girl took oath to be sincere to her commitment, she sent me certificate of conversation, I do not know, real or fake but she requested money for her mother to help food when she will travel to me, I sent her money for all her immigration requirements including one way air ticket, but on the date of departure, she informed me that she had met accident, and she did not come to me, she could not prove any accident, so I was cheated and bluffed by the girl in spite of her and her Muslim friend 's oaith, I told her, about her cheating and bluffing but she refused, so I forget that girl, so I advise others to avoid such relationships, As for you only you know, I do not suggest you , I have mentioned my bitter experience

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  • litty
    So what are you going to do differently besides those 5 things? Are you still looking for love in chatrooms or are you going to date locally?
    • DiegoO

      *My last MyTake.

      It's only a short final thought were I leave at the end the links of the MyTakes related to what I experienced. You'll have your answer there.

      In total I wrote around 5-6 MyTakes about LDR.

      My thoughts and experience with LDR ↗

  • Browneye57
    Optimist? More like an idiot. LDR's are a complete waste of time. Plus, stats are that within 90 days one or the other will find someone else.
    It's always suspect why someone chooses someone they can't really see or be with. Why not go for someone you can? You would get WAY more out of it - I guarantee it.
  • nella965
    Long distance relationships are not for most people. You would have to be a very rare type to actually be able to maintain a long distance relationship.
  • jillybeanns
    May I also add that the road to personal development doesn’t always start immediately. Sometimes peoples desire for growth will hit later down the road.
    • Sorry this was meant as a reply under anonymous girls post.

  • ManHater
    Don't care for people being stupid and coming on here to tell us how Stupid you are. Good job idiot! Congrats would you like a GaG medal?
    • DiegoO

      Are you ok? Want a hug?

  • MarkusCopeland
    You're utterly transparent here and it's, frankly, hilarious.

    Every point comes back to sex and her being "asexual" while you wanted a "sexual" relationship. In other words, you wanted to fuck and she didn't, but you thought you could convince her.

    This is a tale as old as time. It's not wisdom, it's a cautionary tale about you.
  • Jamie05rhs
    A couple of thoughts:

    1. Did you actually ASK her to do a video call with you? Why were you waiting for her to suggest it?

    2. You said you were interested in sexting while she was not. Do you think that could have been a reason why she was hesitant to video chat with you (if she was in fact hesitant)? Because she expected you to want to be nude during the chat?
    • DiegoO

      Actually, I suggested it from the start. Sometimes I use to put my cam on, while she only had her mic.

      *As for the reason she didn't want to do video calls at first, well, she said she was bullied in highschool. Is why I didn't presure her in the beggining, or even suggested something sexual. Later on, about 4 months later, I went nuts and not even bother to bring up the subject, because she was not considering to open her cam, after agreen that the relation was going to be exclusive.

      Honestly, I almost believed she was a catfish, and even after I saw her on cam, there were some things that I considered strange. I will only chat about it in PM.

    • Jamie05rhs

      Okay.

    • jessicnapa

      FOLLOW BACK

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  • Julious0202

    any long-distance relationship is always terrible, I speak from my own experience
    • DiegoO

      Most who experienced it would agree.

  • legalboxers
    I've been in many LDRs, they cheated on me in everyone. Learned experiences come from everything
  • Djaay
    First of all , contrary to all the antics u may here , u can't adulify a relationship through LDR unless u materialize it quickly in accual person with one another. College... I'll spare my comments on that particular topic. The flame is peaking during u two just discovering each other. Be with each other quickly before the flame simmers downward like a pilot light. Cheaters ; others will NEVER forgive u , u will never forgive urself whether u admit to it or not. Its a revelation of urself u created but can't ever get rid of. Cheating becomes a REGRET that's permanate and life long. In fact it holds u to cheating again and again because ur worthyness towards another can't relesh itself honestly , so in order to find some one u have to resort to more cheating. As that's usually very quick and someone different each time , cheating becomes formalable and justified by yourself to experience another.
  • Asianguy123
    She just want a rich man. It’s not your fault
    • DiegoO

      Not sure what she was looking for.

  • EyesOfGod
    1-5. Had a long distance relationship.
  • Joker_
    lol..
  • Anonymous
    Wow--there's just a TON of unnecessary analysis here. This one is super simple--when you're in your early 20s you should NOT be in a long-distance relationship. You should be in person and having sex.
  • Anonymous
    relationships are fake
  • Anonymous
    You've been going on and on about this for years, move on
    • DiegoO

      What's wrong about doing insight? I never mention I wanna go back with her.

    • This is a good thing. Personal development begins with introspection. We as humans need to do more of this!

    • DiegoO

      @jillybeanns Indeed.

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  • Anonymous
    I’ve never heard of toxic optimism. I like this take. Thanks
    • DiegoO

      Thanks.

      The official term would be toxic positivity. I used optimis, instead.

    • I've dated 2 guys who had toxic optimism during the initial days of conversations. I killed their toxic optimism, and turned them into much more humble and patient people LOL

    • DiegoO

      @MedAsianGirl How you did that?😮

    • Show All
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