Yesterday, I had a dream about a man who I went through a mutual breakup with two years ago.
I thought I was over what could have been - and then that dream forced me to compare my current partner with this man, who has been out of my life for 2 years, and I realised quite a bunch of things....
#1 He would've understood me more than my current partner ever will
This is simply a fact that I've always known. Since both of us grew up in the mountains, surrounded by snow, speaking a dialect of our mother tongues as opposed to its "pure" form, in abusive families - I have more in common with him (culturally) than with my partner, who's never hiked, skied or understood just how abusive and manipulative his family is. He'll get there - but that man and I both broke up with our families and found solace in winter sports. We both found a way to channel our childhood trauma.
#2 He would've been great for something shortterm
I realise now that I never saw a future with him in which we're both happy, simply because he doesn't have any ambition or drive and never wants to get married, which is important to me for reasons I won't get into in this take.
As much as I loved him, I understand more so now than ever before that he would've made for a horrible longterm partner. He only would've been good at being a friends with benefits, that's it.
#3 I don't think he would've cared about me
When we first started talking, he was amazing - really attentive, interesting, enjoyable to talk to, but as time went on, he became very introverted and started to hate me over the course of more than a year. As that hate grew, his memory of the former love he had felt for me diminished too, and since the only present emotion in his mind is that hate; I don't think he'd ever be able to care about me again.
#4 He's boring
My dream was amazing, we went on this really really nice date that lasted for a magical weekend and we didn't even have sex, despite me being able to sense that he wanted to.
Knowing the kind of guy he is - even in my dreams, I planned the date to be in HIS favourite location, not mine - he would NEVER have taken me on a date like that. EVER. No matter how long we'd have been together, he's just a boring little guy who only cares about himself.
#5 He's not my type, at all
I was expecting a sex dream when it started, and since we were on a date for more than 2 days in my dream and we didn't have sex (despite knowing and courting each other for more than 6 years IRL), I know that I was never attracted to his exterior, I was just drawn to his persona that he had built for me to see and get to know (but that persona never existed either).
#6 I'd love to leave my current life just to be able to live out the fantasy my dream represented
I know that my dream would never work in real life, and that I would be extremely uncomfortable if I had to be around him, but I can't help but feel the urge to drop everything, get on a plane and visit him - only to be abused verbally and potentially physically.
#7 I need to let him go, but I know I probably never will be able to
I've held on to the fantasy that we could be a thing for 2 years, and I know why; when we broke up, I was at a significant turning point in my life and he got up and left to protect himself. I understood and respected his decision, but it hurt me nonetheless. He left me at a very crucial point in time, exactly when I needed him the most.
A week after he was gone, my mom beat me, I recorded a 20min video that I sent him where I was sobbing and begging him to help me understand why she'd be like this with me - but he told me to figure it out myself.
2 years later, I changed, a lot. I decided to leave my family behind, for good, and I know that he hates me because he wasn't the guy I listened to when it came to my family or private matters.
It took me some adulting, a different life and a different man on my side to figure things out, and I won't be able to let that fantasy go because he's the only man I've ever loved apart from my partner. I've talked about this with my partner, my therapist and my friends - and I've decided to accept the fact that I'll occasionally have dreams about him and that I'll sometimes think about what could've been.
#8 I love being with my partner
For more reasons than I can write down, but mostly because he's the polar opposite of that man. I found a lovely person that isn't 10 years older than me, that I find insanely attractive, that I can love with my whole heart, knowing that despite hardships like the fact that he's still so close with his mentally abusive family, he'll love me back and we'll both work on our relationship.
Also, the sex is so amazing that I'd never want to go back to that man to try having sex with him - I just know that my current partner is much better, more respectful and eager to learn in bed and in life than he could ever be :)
Have you ever had a dream that changed your perception of the world?
Why is it so hard to forget the good moments that you shared, while it's so easy to forget all the bad stuff that happened?