A popular misconception about life is that love conquers all and that you can get through anything together.
I'm here to tell you that is not true. At all.
Can't decide where to live? One person wants kids but the other does not? One of you doesn't get along with the other's family? Both of you want to lead or both of you want to follow? Hate your partner's personality?
Well I'm sorry, but it's not going to work. None of that is ever going to change. It either is - or it isn't.
yea. this comes down to hard vs soft boundaries. people DO change, but it can be a lot of work and effort. You are dealing with an emotinoal programmed emotionally programmable being that is solidified jelly. Changing requires them to recognize why they are rigid, considering changing, then doing the work to change. It's very hard.
So yes, find the important values and direction in life to alighn. Things will turn up when you are married or as you change in life and your life or brain or health change, and you'll then need to roll with it to and grow together. so remain flexible somewhat.
No, people don’t change.
They can have bouts of change, but it’s fleeting.
Who you are at your core is who you’re always going to be.
A 15 year old who says she doesn’t want kids but then changes her mind at 25 doesn’t count.
I changed. But to change, you have to find the underlying emotional programming that controls, decide you want to change it, and change it.
That is hard, but possible. Most people... probably won't do it without confrontation or pain that challenges them.
So I agree, and I disagree.
"Who you are at your core is who you’re always going to be."
^ This.
@TheSpaceGnome If I can say, I don't know if people truly have a "CORE". People experience different things and go through different things to shape who they can be. If change wasn't possible, seasons wouldn't be here. Heck TIME wouldn't be here. Also, if you really love your partner, you are ABLE to make sacrifices and changes for their happiness. It's part of being matured. Unfortunately a lot of people aren't willing or they don't really LOVE (heck even like) their partners. In order to be a good one, they have to not always be selfish, but sadly, at lot of people are and only consider THEIR needs over their partners. My ex is a perfect example.
@Sweetsurprize You are right in a lot of ways. And yes, a lot of people don't want to change at all and it's hard work to get the change. Their "love" is being loved, not learning how to love the other. Some extremes are difficult to deal with and just have to accept... when it's personality attributes.
We need something like Dave Ramsey for relationships... better training and coaching.
@TheSpaceGnome I think you are talking about "personality" attributes and to a large extent... I agree, that's not going to change. the emotional programming (oftentimes trauma, abuse, oppression), learning to communicate and respond differently and even feel differently is possible. If it's emotional, it can be healed. Maybe even possible to resolve stuff passed on generationally.
It helps to have a partner who is understanding and willing to work together to make the changes that need for the good of the relationship.
No relationship is perfect. There will always be disagreements, personality differences, likes and dislikes. Just because a couple has some differences does not mean you should break up and leave. However, if those differences are key to a relationship, then maybe it's time to go.
That's about right. Can't argue about those particular issues. But if the disagreements are smaller, and you can come to a compromise. Who does the dishes, housework, takes the car in, mows the lawn, drives the kids to after school events.
Then it's likely you're talking about annoyances that have to be done, not serious unmalleable differences.
Correct. There’s a difference between compromise and not on the same page. I mentioned in another reply on this post and I’m going to update it in my original post.
You don’t have any time to waste, at a tender age of 40. Half of your life is over. Your sperm is decreasing quality everyday.
Have children while you still can! The clock is ticking.
That’s….. not the “gotcha” you think it is. You’re telling me something I’m already aware of and not debating because it’s reality. Congrats.
You see my point now? You don’t go around telling strangers what they already know well enough.
You don’t go around telling women, 10 years later they’ll be older. That’s a common sense.
Opinion
18Opinion
He is 100% correct.
If you disagree Read his whole post...
You NEVER compromise on the non-negotiables! (there are always but a few anyway)
However, compromising on the mundane things of life is wise. But if compromising was the big secret everybody would be lasting.
Careful to not make mundane things non negotiables...
I have a whole philosophy on fulfilling and lasting relationships and I am telling you he is 100% correct.
If you undermine the fulfillment or non negotiables you will impact the ability to last. This is basic.
Now lasting isn't just about being in harmony on the 1 or 2 non negotiables you have but also having the right personality traits that cause harmony. Harmony isn't agreeing but instead treating the other person in a way that doesn't antagonize them. The key is to remain on the same team and in harmony with the vision. It's really simple. None of us like mean people. The philosophy probably wouldn't be understood by most but it is very simple once you do understand it. You have to understand change and how to alter your own conditioning. You have to understand what discipline really is and the key to it and I assure most don't. You have to know what you want so you can make the vision.
I am not saying people should become the same person but there are certain traits you need to win. The inability to be kind when it is inconvenient is a risk. The problem for most is they never set up an agreed upon joint vision and stayed in harmony with it. I've never seen any other reason why people breakup. If someone is asking a question about their husband or wife or girlfriend on this site you can bet they don't have a conscious vision. Asking us about what their partner is thinking... Or asking us why they won't do this or that.
If one still believes compromising on non negotiables is wise it is because they have a scarcity mindset. They are forcing shit because they don't think there is anyone else out there and many people do this. They are too scared to take a chance on what they really want. That is a wise mindset for an ignorant person but not for a wise one.
There are people who have gone through trauma or raised to think/live in fear…so they keep that and unable to let go to feel love or feel free. You will wither have to live with them or leave them.
most normal healthy people want love and can give love. Those are the bases of human behaviors…the norm is mental illness is spreading and we have to learn to weed them out of our lives. Most of us are not equipped to handle that.
Love is only one aspect of a romantic relationship…at the end of the day…two people come together to form unity and create a new family.
if family is not important …. Then none above matters.
if family is the goal.. we can all make changes to learn, grow with our partner and our children.
Anything we do, we make scrafices…our jobs, our living environment…
sounds like your last relationship didn’t work out. We leanr a lot about ourselves when it ends.
we reflect, grow and try again.
Be happy stay single for a bit..:once you meet the next person… there will be love and changes.
enjoy the journey. It’s beautiful 🤩
Wisdom!
Yup.
@lightbulb27 thank you ❤️ 😘
Not true , We are all incompatible people , we all come different paths in life , No one is perfect , not even yourself , for love to grow and for a relationship to last , both partners’ have to choose to commit to one another , it won’t always be perfect , you will both have your disagreements on things but as long as you both choose each other and make each other your top priority , that’s where love grows , Relationships don’t fail because of incompatibility , relationships fail because of immaturity , if you can’t sacrifice or remove selfishness for your partner , and understand you can’t always be right and they are wrong you are an immature person that only cares about yourself , your partner will not be able to do the same for you. Because you are a selfish immature person Most relationships fail because most people do not know how to remove selfishness for each other in a relationship, we are all selfish people one way or another , when you enter a relationship only wanting things your way , you will never experience true love , Relationships are a choice , you can choose to love someone or you can choose to walk away , If you choose
To walk away because things aren’t going your way , makes you a selfish person that only cares about yourself. You can keep choosing to be selfish but you will never experience Love , People that cheat , people that lie , people that can’t be honest , will never experience true love , they will only experience selfishness , You can’t expect someone to love you , if you can’t love them back in return
Actually there are lots of compatible people for most people.
@jeffend888 is right, and you're wrong. You can't sacrifice yourself in any way, you can't change people, and partners have to be similar/compatible, or it WILL fail.
Ideally yes, unfortunately a lot of people ignore compatibility, because they are stupid and horny and think relationships are about sacrifice, so they end up breaking up eventually because they picked the wrong person.
👍👍😥😥
@Finchie40 I felt I had a lot of things in common with my ex but he basically broke up with me because he's a daddy's boy. Ugh. Chose his dad over me. I didn't WANT him to have to chose but oh well.. I wasn't the one who started it.
You are 100% right, and the same could be said about friendships too.
In the short time I've been on this Earth I've seen a lot of people ask dumb questions on this portal of "why is my partner doing such a such?" And "what does it mean when someone says such and such?". If these things they are doing/saying point to a lack of respect, or potential cheating then you can't fix that. If there are any outside factors like difficult in-laws, you cannot fix that either.
Your job is to inspect carefully before you commit to a person. There's a reason why there's a crew that checks planes meticulously before they take off, because once they take off it becomes very difficult if not impossible to fix any errors. Vetting is the most important part, and is often neglected by many, then you wonder why their relationships are not working. Prevention is better than cure.
The inability to compromise and communicate is centered in self interest. If everyone thought this way, it would yield a society of self serving assholes.
Marriage is NOT happiness and bliss. Its work. Its giving up something for yourself to make another happy, and vice versa. Your advice is to bail? What if kids are involved? God, my marriage has been on the rocks several times. But we plowed through it. Figured it out. My wife is happy. And my kids are happy.
Giving up is for LOSERS. I suppose there's a lot of losers out there.
@KingOfMe1 I didn't say I dont change. Compromising by its very nature requires change, if anything the most important change comes from oneself.
It depends on what your definition of love is. My definition of love isn't fuzzy feelings. It's commitment through thick and thin. My wife and I have many differences and it's a process of negotiation. If my wife and I were identical, we wouldn't grow together. Marriage and long term monogamy depends on how seamlessly the two negotiate. Running away when you clash and don't see eye to eye will lead you being single. Everyone will have their issues, and you have to ask yourself what kind of issues you're willing to deal with and work with. You sound naive.
Reading your post, I agree that with the level of "misalignment" you describe, it would be wasting one's time. On the other hand, there will always be some sort of conflict of some sort. So having to deal with some of it is inevitable over time.
When I was 40, I was dating a lady who was 38 and she wanted to look into having kids. I did not want to father kids at that point. So unfortunately we had to split up. So like you say, it probably wasn't going to work if we stayed together.
Can I ask you a question? What makes a man ready for kids at 25 or 35? Vs. a man that doesn't at that age? Always triggered my curiousity really.
@Sweetsurprize Probably their circumstances and ofc the right girl.
@Sweetsurprize I think some men are just more family and children oriented than others. Since I wasn't really all that interested in raising children, when I got faced with the dilemma, I had to choose to take the route of not getting married and fathering children. I've known of other circumstances where a guy gets married in his 40's (maybe a 2nd marriage), to a younger woman, and continues to father children.
@Sweetsurprize In most cases, people do not change their minds about kids, and if they do, its temporary. I never wanted kids and never will, so I wouldn't base it on age.
Since people do in fact change by nature you can find someone who matches you perfectly in all these areas but if you don't learn to set rules and tolerate someone who doesn't your relationship is doomed regardless.
One of the virtues of arranged barrage was not only was the marriage arranged by people who actually had enough life experience to know what was important. Neither party had any illusions that they didn't need to learn to work together and follow rules.
That is why it worked for 10s of thousands of years whereas 'barrage' for 'love' does is not.
I agree. But of course this person is only going to chose answers that agree with him, prove him right.
Why can't people just really LOVE their partners? One thing I realize is that people these days are way too selfish. They only consider THEIR needs and not their partners. If they differ in one area, they leave.
And who said love or relationships, even life is supposed to EASY!
Because if you're not on the same page, then no amount of love is going to create stability. There's a low ceiling on how far you can go. If she wants kids and he doesn't, or vice versa, no amount of love is going to fix that.
You're talking about incompatibility there. I felt my ex and I had a lot in common but okay, yeah, you have a point. However, there are SOME things you CAN do for your partner... if you truly/really love them. And I still believe love isn't selfish. True real love that is. I'm not talking about doing things that will hurt you physically emotionally. I am talking about doing things to make your partner happy. I guess some people are just THAT unwilling 😞. It's always about THEM and their wants and desires, no body else's, not even that of the person they came to know and hopefully also love!
Like if you have 75 to 80% of things in common, then I think that is already a lot. Especially the big things. wdyt?
Yes I agree. I was in a relationship and he wasted my time.
I want baby he don’t want baby
i want meet family he don’t want meet family.
all couples live together have baby meet families etc cuz they are on the same page. I know many people leave boyfriend cuz he don’t want baby. So they are not aligned with their partner.
My dad has always said “ Don’t settle for what you think you like but settle for what fits your life.”
Correct. Mine is similar: Don't marry for love, marry for fit.
The other day I had a friend that had an issue. She was in a perfect relationship, but she wanted to get married and he did not believe in marriage. She also want to children and he didn’t. It’s hard but I said “ at the end of the day you you have to decide if your willing to give up what you want, sure you love him but you might end up resenting for your failure to to walk away acknowledging that both of you love each other, but want to live very different lives. Don’t ever conform to a life that you don’t want even if that causes you a person that you greatly love. That’s when love turns to hate. Take accountability for yourself.”
Same goes for any relationship
Whether it's friends , siblings or even parents... if you feel being with them brings you down and effects you in a bad way... leave them!
Accurate, though I would add that sub/dom dynamics don't work, both have to be equals who have the same hobbies, interests, goals, lifestyle, and personality, or it will fail.
Looks like someone is going to die alone, and refuses to accept that fate. There'a a term for that, it's called INCEL.
If you look for reasons to leave or move on rather than reasons to stay, you're fucking yourself if you want a relationship
There's a difference between sacrifice and not on the same page.
One person wants a beagle and the other wants a bassett hound = sacrifice.
One person wants children and the other doesn't = not on the same page.
One person wants a pool in the backyard = sacrifice
One person wants to live in New York and the other wants to live in Florida = not on the same page.
See the difference?
You clearly didn’t read what I wrote.
The difference between sacrifice/compromise and not being on the same page is night and day.
There is no compromise on having children. There is no compromise with two people who want to live in two separate parts of the country. There is no compromise if one of you doesn’t get along with the others family.
@Subflics I created a whole philosophy about lasting and fulfilling relationships and I can tell you @jeffend888 is very correct. It is dangerous to sacrifice on the non negotiables. It lessens fulfillment and undermines the ability to last. In fact, it undermines the whole philosophy because it undermines some of the bigger motives.
Can it be done? Sure but it makes no sense too. Plenty of people that you can love that will be a better fit.
There are usually but a few non negotiables anyway and they tend to not be unique.
The key is not to bend to the other person but instead to bend to the once agreed upon and mutually desired vision and alter your conditioning. You cannot achieve any worth while goal without altering your conditioning. In doing so you become a fit for the goal and if the goal is the vision then the 2 parties become a fit for each other as well. They may disagree on mundane matters and have to compromise there but never on the big stuff because the vision has been long mutually desired and agreed upon. And if they really know what they are doing they never argue. Arguing is choice and a sign of lack of discipline and wisdom. It points out clearly the couple has not conditioned themselves with the proper traits to last in a fulfilling manner.
I don't think it is wise to mess around with the non negotiables however many people do make the mistake in making things of a lesser nature non negotiable. If your non negotiables are in conflict you two are not a match. Now just because one party doesn't want kids doesn't mean that it is a non negotiable for that party. They may not want kids but they may be willing to have them. But it has to be very clear that is it not a non negotiable. People have to know what they want. That is a big key.
I will say though that you 2 are wiser than most.
@KingOfMe1 of course I’m right.
I’m only wiser than most because I’ve been through so much nonsense.
❤👍 Well said and very matured of you to say.
I learned this the hard way. Major incompatibilities like those mentioned here will almost always not resolve themselves.
1- People will never aligned never you will spend all your life looking for someone 100% like you
2-Marriage and life is about compromise not confrontation
3-If you don't agree live alone
Nope @jeffend888 is correct. You didn't read his whole post.
Agree with normandi. That’s why so many are alone. Self-fulfill prophesy - downfall of modern society.
Absolutely right, especially if there's no compatibility and any reasonable compromise.
wrong learn to compromise and ask a guidance counselor
Yea I agree, similarity with a partner is definitely important
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