Keeping me at arms length - is there still hope of being close?

[salsachik]

My boyfriend of 9 months and I had our first serious relationship discussion. I am usually very happy with him. But lately I noticed that he didn't really seem to be considering me or my feelings in any of his plans. He invited me to meet his family over the forth of July, but then didn't tell me I would have to drive myself there. I found out when we were out with his friends that he was going down in the middle of the week on his motorcycle. He recently bought a new climbing harness to on a climbing trip with his guys over his birthday week, but hasn't yet bought a second helmet so that I can ride his motorcycle with him - and he knows that I really want to.

He admitted to keeping me at arms length because he felt burned by his last relationship. He says he cares about me (not loves) and that he has a great time, enjoys my company etc, but that he can't make me any promises.

I am not looking to rush off into marriage so I don't feel like I need to put our relationship on a time clock. However, I am concerned that he may never get close to me.

Should I continue to be patient with him and enjoy going out with him or could this "commitment" issue be another "he's not that into you" excuse. I could really fall in love with him and I don't want to be the one that gets burned.

[onemoreplease]

It's funny, I've been on both sides of this coin: I was the girlfriend of the guy who had "issues" that kept him at a distance, and then I was the girlfriend who couldn't make up her mind to commit to the guy I was seeing. It sounds like your guy is being honest, and I give him props for that. But then again, he's honestly telling you that he may never give you what you want. After 9 months, you should be getting an idea of what your future with him will look like, don't you think?

If you're okay with the way it is and want to wait and see what happens, I'd say you should give him even more space than he's already taking for himself. I think that pressing him to involve you more in his life will probably just make him more distant and uncomfortable. Make your own decisions and plans and don't worry about discussing it with him unless it directly affects him- but don't do it to make him jealous or insecure or to force him to see what he's missing. Do it because you have other things that make you happy besides him. I am in a rather open relationship now that would have driven me crazy when I was younger, but now I see how individual freedom can really make a couple grow stronger.

If there's a possibility of a future for you two, he'll come around when he's ready. If not, at least you know you haven't missed out on your own life because you were waiting for him.

[satish]

You know, for some reasons, as I read your question or post or whatever, I realized that, us, the single 30 somethings are really damaged goods. We went through hardships beyond our fair share. So, my advise is to look at your potential partner as someone who has his own demon to deal with and so you should give him the benefit of the doubt. In other words, don't get too critical. But that's just my opinion.

Best of luck!

[salsachik]

Thanks Satish. I never thought of it that way, but you are probably right.