Do women want the man to take control of the relationship and of them?

[Anonymous]

Maybe I've just misinterpreted or listened to bad advice but...

I've seen a few posters on here argue that the guy has to take charge and set clear limits as to what the woman can or can't do. For example, if she becomes interested in Feminism, he's supposed to stop her (this isn't a feminism question). These guys are often popular with girls by the way.

Taking control and ordering people isn't natural to me. I'm more of a loner. When I do take charge, I do it by consensus and I convince the people in my group as to the correct way to do things. If they still refuse, I just leave them on their own and do things my way. I'm neither a doormat nor a boss. I'm a 'democratic leader' as opposed to a dictator. I approach relationships the same way.

What I want to know is do women want the guy to be a dictator?

(Note: Dictator doesn't mean violent. It just means he tells her what to do.)

Yes, women want a guy to control them and the relationship.

No, women want an equal partner. One who will always respect their wishes and won't force anything on them.

Other/See Results

[Anonymous]

You might be confusing the idea of "men being dominant in bed" with "men taking control"... No, women do NOT want a guy to control them. There are a bunch of so called "alpha males" on the internet who claim that they "control their women" and claim that "bitches love alpha males" but don't listen to these guys. Women want option B. Sex is a different story, but that totally varies per woman. Some women like the guy to be dominant in bed, but there are also women who want to be the dominant one. So don't assume anything.

I love your description of "democratic leader" - I am very similar to that, so I understand what you mean, and I agree. You have to listen to what people want, and you can guide them and help them and advise them, especially if there is a "right" option. But in the end you can't control people.

Don't change. If you truly are a "loner" I would advise you to try to get out more, so that you could meet a bunch of different women and find one who totally agrees with you, but you have friends so I don't think you really are a "loner" :)

[Asker]

Thanks. :)
That said, I am a bit of a loner. I don't have much friends and I've never had a girlfriend. That's why I'm asking this question as I'm worried I'll have to act this way for a woman to respect me.

[Opinion Owner]

Plenty of women will respect you just the way you! There should be mutual respect in a relationship.

I've never been in a real relationship either. So don't worry! Don't let it stop you from putting yourself out there. I never went on a date until I gained the courage to ask out a guy. And the first one I asked out wasn't interested - I had to learn how to flirt and practice talking to guys. Then I met a guy, we flirted, got to know each other, then I asked him on a date (we didn't continue dating for other reasons). But my point is that it definitely takes practice, so don't get discouraged. And don't think that no one will want to be with just because you've never been in a relationship.

[Asker]

Great advice! Thanks. :)

[harakiri]

Oh god no :( i want a normal relationship, where we can be free with what we are interested in. i could never be with someone who would be so controlling as to stop be from reading about issues i might be interested in. that kind of personality isn't attractive to me at all. i don't respond well to people telling me what to do. it enrages me.

[Asker]

Exactly! If I was with a girl and she told me that she lost respect for me for not trying to control her, I'd be pissed. If a girl expects me to be her Daddy, I'll leave.

I want a woman who can interest and challenge me (therefore must be a little different). Not a maid or someone I just have sex with.

I hope more women think like you. :/

[harakiri]

I would lose respect for someone if they tried to control me :x i know plenty of women like myself so you shouldn't be worried lol. it's worrisome if someone feels the need to be controlled

[Asker]

Can I ask, do you think I have the right approach for a relationship? By building consensus and negotiating; you know, give and take? It's just I don't think I could control a woman. It's just feel weird.

[harakiri]

That sounds perfect to me. Well balanced, fair, psychologically safe lol. I would be scared off by someone who tried to own me or whatever.

[Asker]

Thanks. I'd be the same. It'd be a little weird if someone wanted to control me or vice versa. (Except in the bedroom :P)

[harakiri]

Lmao i agree. The bedroom is a different story :D

[Azara]

Adults don't have the right to control other adults. I have no idea where you got it from that anyone can tell someone what they can think.

Flip it around. Can you envision being in a relationship where someine us controlling you. Does that seem appropriate or even practical?

[Asker]

I never said I thought it was right. Fwiw though, I do think women are different to men when it comes to this. Women seem to value strength far more. And they often talk about hating 'doormats' far more than guys do. Also, most girls talk about being submissive in bed, guys don't. Is the female character in 50 shades dominant? Why do women like it so much?

[Azara]

you think women are different than men and I think all human beings have a basic capacity for respect and dignity. And are endowed with volition and agency. If not used atrophied... and it is not within the human spirit to seek domination. It goes against will to live which is inherent in all of us.

I am not aware that women value strength in men more than they do in themsekves. That just sounds like convenient hype from men who fet off on playing protector.

Obvioysly if someone wants to be protected they should learn how to defend themsekves bc at some point we are all alone.

And just bc you may hear eomen talk about strength in men more than you hear men talk about strength in women, that diesnt mean women want to be dominated by men... It can just mean men dont respect strength in wimen whereas wimen respect their own strength.

I dudnt read 50 shades. I heard from the grapevine Christian grey is a rapist or both.

[Azara]

As for differences. There are more differences found between members of the same sex than are found between members of different sex. The propaganda that women are this way and men are this way and the ways they all are just happens to conveniently put men in control, results from men trying to usurp power not from a deep seeded psychological need from women , for women to be controlled by men.

During slavery in America the conventional disinformation was that persons of dark skin had an inherent need to be guided and controlled and dominated and that they were happiest when enslaved. That they would be very unhappy free and anyone who ran away other than of course being violently punished if nit completely destroyed was diagnosed with " runners disease." Not the desire for freedom and willingness to risk life to be free that a healthy psyche would possess. But an adult human being fighting fir freedom had a disease that was simply causing them to physically run.

[Azara]

"Slaves" ( people forced into slavery) were considered childlike and innocent naive and needing of discipline and complete control. they supposedly could not fully think fir themselves and without a white master their soul would be in peril.

Point being were talking about perfectly healthy sane adults with absolutely no personal sovereignty as if that was their natural disposition.

Anyone can say women want to fe controlled and anyone can have a vested interest in saying that. Just bc you hear something some place doesn't mean there's any reading to shut your brain off.

[Azara]

Human dignity doesn't vary much from one person to the other. Anyone who chooses to live like a slave is doing so beneath a basic level of human consciousness.

At the very heart of things when you break it down no one really wants to be " controlled". Anytime someone says that's what they want there are so many stipulations that in the end it's just a fancy word for something abstract and nondescript that they are hoping makes them feel good.

Your mistake is you are thinking of women as s different species. That becomes an excuse to think of them as less than human. And ask questions like do women really want to be treated like chattel. People saying yes only have the luxury to say that bc someone else Fought and or died for their freedom to be able to speak for themselves without someone telling them what to do on pain of punishment or burning... Or other alienating torturous firms if exercising control.

[Azara]

A lot of orople caught long and hard fir everyone to have the right to have their own personal rights attributable to their personal bidy by virtue if being a human being. It's oretty dusreaiectful and spoiled to sit there on a firm of mass communication you wouldn't even be allowed to use if someine ekse was really controlling yiu, and say I like being controlled I dint feel like thinking fir myself.

Or I like people who will submit to me I find it attractuve it makes me feel strong. needed. Competent. In control.

If you need a blow up doll to do whatever you want in order to feel accomplished you should go back to school and get a different degree or go go volunteer somewhere... Turning one person into your slave or home project is just a huge waste of resources not to mention completely degrading.

I hear these things about love and control and it's all bs. If you love someine you respect them. If you respect yourself, you tight for yourself.

[Azara]

I seriously think people who say they want to be controlled haven't seriously thought about what that means ir they dont understand it. Which ultimately is a good thing.

People who say they want to control likely mean it but those people should be in there okay not in relationships.

We are here for a limited amount if time... Still discovering what it means to be humsn and his to coexist without destroying each ither in the process.

A lot hasn't been sorted out but I'm quite sure cutting off a large portion if the populations brain power ( decision making power) is cutting off a massive amount of potential. It should not be encouraged.

Being in control of yourself is the right snd responsBility of an adult. The witkd wint change with a bunch if children running around playing house.

[Azara]

Anyhiw I do not think wanting to be controlled is inherently something belonging to women. It's a big joke someine pulled a millennia ago and a lot of peopke fell for it and some won't let it go. Like Santa ir the Easter bunny ir tooth fairy.

On a oractical level the workd doesn't reach its potential if adults don't act like adults. That's just a massively pathetic waste of brain power conviction determination drive and spiritual force.

[Azara]

in my opinion.

after all what is being human if not the inviolable right to your humanity... Which can not coexist with domination. Domination is the absence of freedom. Absence of freedom is the complete degradation of the human spirit. A human being can not " want" that any more than you want to not exist. People may feel that way when they are in a dark place. But it's just a place. one you can't get out if if you relinquish self control.

People say it's their choice some people like to be cintrolled... You can not choose to not have control. That's just resigning yourself to extreme neurosis. It's a pathologically categiry not an ife style " choice".

[Asker]

I agree with everything you've said and I wasn't defending the belief I explained in my question.

I have little (to no) experience with girls. This question came from my worry that, to be attractive, I have to comform to the ridiculous masculine stereotype. I don't want to control anyone. I'd love a relationship where we're both equals. I was just looking for the right way to approach relationships and plenty of guys advocate that way.

[GutterGarbage]

I'm a wild animal sometimes when im off my leash. So yes it helps to be controlled but most are not up to the challenge!

[Anonymous]

There's confusion with the semantics. When women say they want a dominant guy it means they want a guy who takes care of them, but that's what men call submissive. In a man's mentality dominant means exploitative, in a woma'n mentality dominant means caring. So women want a submissive guy, but they call him dominant.

[Opinion Owner]

Or maybe the women's term is the correct one. Since women are the dominant sex, for women dominance=care. Since men are submissive by nature, men tend to abuse power and exploit others when they are in a dominant/non-submissive position.

[Opinion Owner]

By dominance women mean loving and caring. But men by dominance understand abusive and exploitative. Unfortunately, when a woman says she wants a dominant guy, a guy interprets it as her wanting to be used, abused and contolled.

[epiman94]

How come "the woman wants to be in charge" is not an option?

[Asker]

That wasn't really what I was asking about. I did have an option for 'Other'.

[Rixie1986]

Hell no, I am in relationship and if I'm told what to do well i do the oppisite. I don't mind him thinking he's in charge but if he tries to enforce that oh he's got another thing coming, now in my opinion you got really bad advice. If a woman likes that all the power to you but for me no one tells me what to do. Kind of a touchy subject

[Asker]

Nice to hear. That'd be my opinion too.

[Rixie1986]

Glad to hear as well, I think I blew up a bit there I've been in the situation not doing its again

[Azara]

Why do you want him thinking he's in control? If he needs to think he's in control he's obviously got control issues and you'll have problems when he's deciding to enforce his control... You can't control how controlling someone is. Best to leave them on the shelf where you found them.

[Rixie1986]

He is in control of certain things but he knows when he not cause i tell him it's all about comprise

[linkywinky]

The minute a man thinks he can control me, my hobbies, my likes / dislikes, and my habits is the minute his ass is sitting outside on the filthy pavement.

[indian_empress_91]

amen

[Asker]

And that's how it should be.

[WhaChaChaKing]

Hell yes.

[indian_empress_91]

No way. I believe that in a relationship both persons are grown enough to know what they shouldn't be doing if they are in a relationship, but have independence to live life and be happy. To be able to spend time together feeling carefree and in love and secure in that love. The day a guy ever tries to control where I go, my likes/dislikes, who I can hang out with , esp if it's family I will slip away. Obviously I won't go hanging out with male friends who are interested in me and open about it. But I won't fear a man, if i love him all i will fear is losing him. I hate to see when a man or woman is being controlled by their bf/gf, like their bf/gf are their manager , monitoring them, and controlling them like they have the right to.

[Asker]

Do you think most other women deep down want the guy to control things?

[indian_empress_91]

some girls i guess. But I can only speak for me, I don't like anyone controlling me unless i ever go into some downward spiral eg addiction lol. I think women like men who they can depend on. Its nice when both persons have control over certain things, like take turns on where they go out on dates.

[Asker]

That's fine, I don't mind that. If by depend, you mean loyal and reliable, that's fine. It's when control become some mandatory aspect of relationships that I get weirded out.

[indian_empress_91]

Yea I don't want a man I feel like they are easily manipulated or fear me or fear losing me that they allow me to disrespect them. Whether I can or not, I won't control someone or disrespect them. I would feel awful.

[Cloud91218]

I for one don't like being told what to do by my significant other it pisses me off. I'm open to hearing what he has to say because his opinion does matter to me but I'm not going to allow him to dictate my actions nor would I try to dictate his actions. I understand sometimes if I'm really messing up, not just on opinion but something serious, and he steps in but all the time trying to tell me what to do will make me push the guy away because that's an unattractive characteristic.

[tinyclit]

I voted other. For me there's a huge difference between what I want in the bedroom vs. what I want in every other aspect of our life together. I'm submissive and want to be completely sexually dominated and controlled in the bedroom. In every other aspect of our life together I demand to be 100% equal.

[Azara]

You don't want to be completely dominated. If you guys got busy and he raped you or tore your fingers off you wouldn't like it. Submission is meteohoricall the way people use it. It's not real submission there's all sorts if stipulations like up to this point or not when it involves anything I don't actually want.

[tinyclit]

Correct.

[smokahontas]

I believe in the concept "The man is the head of the house, but the woman is the brain of the man's head" I wouldn't mind a man being in charge of the household he just can't control me.

[Azara]

If he's controling the house that you live in then how exactly is he not controlling

. Controlling a heart metaphorically just means he's touched by your orsence. It's got nothing to do with you having self control let alone cintrol over him.

[smokahontas]

Mmmk

[LonerGirlBree3]

The most part I'd like to be equals with my partner. I think when it comes to caring but NOT controlling with certain things it's fine. Like my health, for example. If I get sick or something, I think it would be okay then. But other things, no thank you! I'd like to be my own person! Equal partner all the way!

[haddleduddle]

No, no, no. I like equality in a relationship, there's nothing sweeter. And I'm also quite the feminist. Personally I think there are all sorts of gals out there, so there must be some underlying issues that would make someone want a guy who would not let her be free, too

[ObviouslyOriginalMe]

It depends on the girl. Some prefer to have control. Some prefer to have no control. Some prefer equal control. Personally I like I be treated equal in most situations but in intimacy I hate having control. So it just depends.

[Anonymous]

The only time a woman needs a man to take control is in the bedroom ;)

[Asker]

That I can do. ;)

[Asker]

Obviously I don't mind if she takes over occasionally. :P

[Opinion Owner]

Haha well that I can do ;)

[Izzy2102]

As for the title question yes but it's complicated.
Most women like dominant men who take control of the relationship and take care of them, but there are limits to it and it IS a fine line.

I think forbidding her from any interest is a bad sign. As for being democratic in a relationship of course we want him to consider our feelings too

[Azara]

Considering feelings isn't democracy. Consideration does not matter if you have ultimate decison making power.

in that scenario of democracy, is he president and you get a vote that he can veto through government?

Taking care of your partner is standard realtionship behavior and it can successfully be done without controlling them.

It's difficult to care for someone if you're controlling them bc you're caring about your idea of them and your ego not the actual person.

[Anonymous]

Im waiting for marriage, personally for me I want a partner in crime:) I think there should be a mutual respect. Bt I do think a guy should be the head of a household. Bt it depends on the woman some like being controlled bt, to me it shouldn't be about who is controlling who that sounds like an ego kind of thing to me. Bt there are times I wouldn't mind the guy taking control example some guy is harrassing me or in when im in bed with husband.

[Azara]

What's a head of a household? What is he heading? Are you going to be the one taking care if the household? If you take care if the house and he controls it that seems like very poor division of labor

[Opinion Owner]

For me it means he is the main provider and protector. im the support system one can't function without the other. I personally feel like im a women im independent bt i know can't do everything a man does technically lol I can wear the pants bt I don't want too. It shouldn't matter who does. bt I will be working too we both will be taking care of household bc we are in a marriage its not a dictatorship. I don't mind being at home once I have kids for awhile bt I would definitely be going back to work. Like I said before I don't care for ego trips.

[GoldenSunshine]

Some women might want the guy to be in control, as well as there are some men who wants the woman to be in control.
Generally, though, I think that people want an equal partner. At least I know that I do (and have)

[zorro8888]

"Behind every powerful man is an even more powerful woman"

[Azara]

Lol how powerful is someone who is doing all the grunt work while some one else takes the credit.

That's a take off from a slogan used to glorify being anise wife. So Instead of woman working making her own way in the worl she put her e defy I to building her husband up.

[zorro8888]

@Azara I quoted the original text but my own take/change to it would be
"Besides every powerful man is an even more powerful woman"

[WhaChaChaKing]

B! No fucking way am I going to let him try to control me, I'd dump his ass so fast. It's just ridiculous that somes guys actually think this is okay. That being said I don't want to control him either, I want an equal partnership.

[Asker]

I'd agree but I think a lot girls deep down like a guy that can do that.

[WhaChaChaKing]

Ugh, well I don't. This question genuinely upset me. I'd rather die than be in a relationship with a guy like that.

[Asker]

Sorry. I don't agree with this kind of thing but I've seen a few posters on here saying things like keep her in check. The other day, I saw a girl post a video called "How to keep your bitch in check" by the "Manhood Academy". And another one basically saying that guys that are described as nice are weak and women hate them.
I just want girls opinion on the matter. Fwiw, I agree with you.

[Marstalk]

It's a left over cultural concept from the previous generations.

[DumpliingPrincess]

I do not want to be taken control of or told what to do by anyone.

[Anonymous]

All women like different things. Some women like to wear the trousers some like men to be in charge.

[Asker]

What do the majority want?

What do you want?

[Opinion Owner]

I think a lot like what I like from speaking to other girls when we talk about boys. That is that she's the boss out of the bedroom and he's the boss in the bedroom. There is also during arguments, knowing when to argue back and knowing when to just let her rant on and on.

[Anonymous]

Here my opinion their are many women they say he'll no!! I won't let no man control me or the relationship. But they want to know where their boyfriend or husband are going why are they hanging out with their friends. Who controlling who?

[Azara]

Lol in a realtionship you communicate. That's not control. If your gf disappeared for afew said would you not wnat to know whe she went? That's caring. Controlling is telling her or her telling you she can't go. If yirnhf tells you who you can and act not see dump her. If she justs ante to know when you'll be home that's no different than anyone in a relatiosnhip. Bc at some point you not to know if the person is in trouble. If you got in trouble you'd be glad to know someeone knows you're missing.

[Klaatu51]

Submissive girls mostly i guess...