Boyfriend has a tinder profile and said he uses it to make friends, I got upset and told me I was irrational. Am i?

[Anonymous]

So before we jump the gun and call him a cheater let me explain. I am bisexual and I discussed with my boyfriend after we became committed that I am open to fooling around with another girl. Of course he didn't object, so we started using dating sites to meet women. First we used POF and shared and account. Was successful one time and that's it. Then we started using tinder. Since tinder signs in through facebook, I agreed we can have separate tinder accounts, since I trusted him. Well he matched a girl on there who I didn't find very attractive, he started conversation with her on wed but I didn't know he was talking to her until I saw over his shoulder. I got a little annoyed and asked why he hadn't told me. He said she responds slow and they barely were talking. I always tell him when I get a match and response. Well they continue to talk and he doesn't mention me. I have to pester him to tell her about me and he finally does, reluctantly. She basically tells him it's not really her thing. He replies and says it's not the only thing he's looking for on there, he's open to make friends too. He let me read the convo, and I got aggravated and told him that he is not going to be making friends on tinder without me being involved. Now I have actually made several female friends off there, strictly platonic. We are new to the area and I'm not working as of now, so it's a good way for me to kill 2 birds with one stone. He says it's no different for him, he should be able to do the same. I disagree, because the women matching him are looking to date, not just be friends. I got upset at him the rest of the night and he said I'm mad over nothing and being irrational. I told him I thought he was on tinder for us, not just him. He basically is trying to say I'm being a hypocrite. I feel he is even lucky he has a gf who is open to this, let alone allowing him to have a tinder profile. Most girls would not in the least bit be okay with that, and typically I am not jealous.

[TurtleRace101]

He sounds like he is kind of being disrespectful towards you and doesn't care about how he is making you feel. It sounds really thoughtless of him to not tell you about his account, but you openly tell him everything on yours. Good job making him mention you to the girl, the fact that you even need force him is just completely careless of him. When he knows what makes you upset, he needs to just respect the fact and stop doing it. He seems like he does a lot of things that upset you and is disrespectful of your feelings. I don't blame you for feeling upset. I hope he realizes how far you are getting pushed.

[BertMacklinFBI]

well.. if he says he's doing it to just make friends then why don't you give that a chance? where is the trust in the relationship? sure there are girls who have intentions to date, thats expected, but if you know your boyfriend well you should know if he can stand by his word or not, seems like you can't trust him, which makes sense why he would get aggravated and call you a hypocrite.

[Asker]

I did trust him, until at one point in our relationship he did cross boundaries with a so called "female friend" and almost left me for her. So since then I have myself been trying to rebuild the trust, but at the same time start from where we left off and act as if nothing happened.

[BertMacklinFBI]

now your reaction makes more sense with that tid bit of information.

[Asker]

I just didn't like the fact that he was carrying on conversing with her and mentioning nothing about me. I feel she should at least be aware of my existence.

[BertMacklinFBI]

i see what you mean, but maybe he seriously didn't realize that because his intentions were really in the right place.

[Asker]

Maybe I am expecting too much, I don't know. But, while I was upset, I told him "well you've proven to me already that you cross boundaries with a so called friend." And he responded "you're right." Not sure if he was being sarcastic and facetious or meant it, couldn't tell be his tone of voice.

[BertMacklinFBI]

communication would be best at this point IMHO.

[Asker]

I try to communicate, he either shuts down or gets defensive. I just tell him is the rule I have is that I want my existence known and to be involved, not it be a separate thing.

[BertMacklinFBI]

you most likely need a different approach. something that won't trigger him to elicit that kind of emotional response.

[Asker]

I never yell and blow up at him, I may become condescending as I get irritated, but I always try to express my feelings. His ex wife would have explosive fights with him and he would bend over backwards for her, but I think it conditioned him to just shut down emotionally when there is a problem.

[BertMacklinFBI]

just keep trying, thats all i can really tell you. continuous effort is a strong human trait and a benevolent quality.

[Asker]

I really am. I don't give up on people I love. But at the same time I can't just ignore my feelings too, I've done that before and just been taken advantage of and hurt. I'm the type of person who will put all their effort into somebody, but I expect the same

[BertMacklinFBI]

you will figure out what to do, can't say whether figuring it out means it will work out or the relationship may take a different turn, but either way you'll figure it out.

[snuggle_bunny88]

Sounds like he's looking for more than friends.
In answer to your question, no. You are not being irrational.

[Jackthifter]

It's extremely hypocritical for you to want to find someone to fool around with but not trust him when he says he's just looking for friends. This is a relationship, not something where he'll just find more girls for your interest.
How do you know the girls who speak to you are strictly there for friendship and not looking to date you? It's no different when it's a guy. If you can talk to girls, who you are attracted to, and still be 100% platonic, I'm pretty sure he can too.

[Asker]

Well the idea is we are to "fool around" together, not separately. I mostly got upset because he was not telling her about me, nor does he state in his profile he has a girlfriend. Every girl I talk to I let them know about him almost right away after breaking the ice and I have a picture of me and him in my profile. That's what set me off the most

[DodgersGM]

If you met people on Tinder that you're just friends with, then why can't he do the same?

To be honest, I think that meeting people on Tinder for friendship is a pretty terrible idea, but shouldn't the same rules apply to both of you?

[Asker]

Yea, but he's not meeting any guys on tinder as friends, as neither am i. He has female friends at work, which doesn't bother me at all. I just mostly was upset because he was not mentioning me at all to her

[DodgersGM]

You say he's not meeting guy friends, but does the sex of the friend really matter?

Are you guys doing threesomes with the girls you pick up, or does he just watch you and the girl?

[Asker]

We've had threesomes, he is fully involved. The sex of the friend doesn't always matter. But my trust was shaken at one point when he crossed boundaries with a female friend of his.

[DodgersGM]

Oh, ok. I see.

To be honest I'd probably give shitty advice about semi-open relationships. Not judging you, but it's not my thing.

Of your trust is shaken then that's a big problem. This is true of any relationship, and I'd imagine that's even truer when the lines between infidelity and sexual experimentation might seem blurry.

[DodgersGM]

*if

Fillerrrrrrr

[Asker]

With the friend of his it was purely emotional, she doesn't live in the same state, but he went as far as to break up with me while we were living together and was talking to her about moving her out here. Then he comes to me and says he made a mistake and wants to try again because he loves me. I agree on the condition he earns my trust back.

[DodgersGM]

Yikes.

Are you happy with him? You love him? Because it sounds like a lot of serious problems.

[Asker]

I do love him, and for the most part I'm happy. But that feeling of betrayal is hard to get over. I am barely starting to forgive him, but I'm never going to forget it. This all happened in November.

[windnsea]

well ur crossing a few lines adding people into ur sex life. u need to be honest and open so you both know what's going on. creeping around and make each other feel un comfortable is good.
To be honest you may have opened a door that you may regret. its hard enough for 2 in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, your boyfriend uses Tinder to make buddies... Fuck buddies...