Girls, my sister has a black eye from her boyfriend beating her up. How likely that she will go back to him?

[Anonymous]

i have 3 sisters and none were ever hit or even spanked by our father.

I always suspected that women who go back to abusive boyfriends or husbands likely were abused by their fathers so they put up with it. I hope I'm not wrong.

Obviously I don't want her going back to him. How likely is she to return? This is something totally foreign to our family. Restraining order is in place. She lives in another state. Our father is driving there tonight. Has put her up in a hotel for now.

[NeaQueen]

Listen she needs to get away from him A. S. A. P. a lot of the time families don't want to intervene out of fear of the family member running away or pushing her closer to him but the simple fact is her life is in danger and she is 300% Certainly going to go back. Abuse is not just physical. If a person is physically harming you then more then likely their also abusing you mentally and the mental part is the hardest to get over. I know all of these things because i went through it personally and i continued to go back to him until one day he tried to suffocate me but i was able to break away from him and call the cops. I was lucky because a lot of women are not as lucky. No a woman being abused by her lover is not always because she was abused by her father. My father barely even ever disciplined us physically at all! You guys have to get her away from him and explain to her that it only gets worse the longer you stay and he could potentially kill her! It's sad but it's the truth!

[Asker]

Thank you. She's home now. Claims she's done with him but won't testify against him which worries me. Doesn't want to "put him in jail".

Still worried. Wish you had better news. Was hoping that the fact that physical abuse is foreign to her that she would be done after the first time.

I still don't know his name or where he lives. I know the city-that's it. Probably a good thing for both our sakes. My sister knows my brothers and our father will literally kill him.

[MissMarvelous]

How long has she been with him? It's very likely. Girls who are stuck in domestic abuse feels that it was a mistake and the relationship will get better. Are your parents still together? She could want to stick it out through thick and thin like your parents. And most abusive men act like their remorseful by crying and stuff and if her boyfriend had a bad life, she could go back feeling bad for him and she loves him.
Or she could leave him. The only thing that you can do is be there for her. You could give advice, but at the end of the day, she's grown and she'll do whatever she wants. You can hate the boyfriend, beat him up, or call the police. She'll just get mad at you and it'll put a strain on your relationship with her if she wants him back. Just be there for her and lead her in the right direction.

[Asker]

About a year with him. He's just a fucking loser.

Parents are still together but living in a screaming abusive white trash house is not something she witnessed. So sticking it out through thick and thin while being abused is not her experience. I would think she would leave because she did not grow up watching someone put up with it.

[MissMarvelous]

He is indeed a loser. Sometimes it still happens. Like my mom put up with it even though she lived her childhood with her parents who never even argued in front of her. She put up with it because she just figured that her parents went through thick and thin because they were still together.
He could be using his bad childhood (if he had one) to make her feel bad. Especially since she didn't have a bad one. It could be a lot of different factors.
Just be a good brother like I'm sure you are and see where her head is at. You'll know if she is planning to go back.

[Luv2BRealExotic13]

If none were ever hit or abused by their/you alls father then why does that statistic even matter? Why don't you be her brother and beat the shit outta him. If that's how you handle it fine. It depends on the individual. If she feels weak or subserveant in anyway and he's her only form of purpose or meaning she might go back.

[Asker]

That statistic matters because of the reasons I laid out.

If I knew where he lived and how to find him the deed would have been done already. She won't tell.

[BaileyisDarcy]

If she believes she's in love with him? She will probably go back to him.
If she doesn't have all that much of a connection to him she would likely stay away.
If he's a dick and made threats to someone or something she cares about then she will go back without a doubt.

The human condition, don't just love it? (sarcasm)

I don't know your sister, so I can't properly comment on what I think her psychology might be sorry.

[Asker]

Good points. Well, no kids so he can't threaten them. He's a low level dealer.

Unfortunately what I left out of the story is that she's an addict. Not sure what she's into. Again, that whole world is foreign to us. She was the black sheep of sorts that didn't continue her education after high school and got into drugs.

[BaileyisDarcy]

If he's a dealer and she's an addict, well... I'm assuming he's the one that got her onto the stuff and I'm going to pray it isn't anything stronger than weed.
She will most definitely go back to him if he's the easiest source to feed her addiction.

My advice? She needs to be back among family again, and given help with the addiction. She needs to know that you all love and care for her, and you need to help her battle her addiction. Best way of doing that without sending her someplace or getting her onto medication, is to replace the addiction. If she has cravings for the drug, give her something else. The same thing, every time she has a craving and eventually she will begin to crave that rather than the drug. Like chocolate or something.

[Asker]

She was an addict before she met him. We've tried to bring her home. She just visited two weeks ago. Everything went great.

Douchebag wasn't with her. I've never met him. I'm sure she knows I'll kill him if we meet. Especially now.

[BaileyisDarcy]

I think you just answered your own question there.

She is going to go back to him, especially if she already has before. This sounds like one of those things that you have to keep pushing, but not forcing, and you need to let her work out that she has to leave in her own time. You don't want to strain your relationship with her.

[Asker]

She was just visiting. There was never a plan to stay with us.

Does it do any good to threaten the boyfriend? I have no doubt that my sister told him I'm a former army ranger who did 2.5 years in Afghanistan. I would think a threat from someone who has killed before should scare the shit out of him.

[BaileyisDarcy]

I think it might work?
You said he was a dealer though so there's a chance he might be used to threats.

[Littlett25]

Likely. The guy usually combines the woman that it was her fault that he hit her.

[9mfeo]

In this case, sounds highly unlikely.

[Asker]

Hope you're right!