Boyfriend is not ambitious/motivated?

[Anonymous]

I adore my boyfriend and def see a future w/him. One thing that has bothered me though is him not making an effort to better his future. I knew that he didn't know what he wanted to do in life and I was ok w/that because I know he can always discover his niche in life. What really worries me is he isn't making a real effort to find his passion. I just want him to be happy and even encouraged him to find a hobby to do on his days off. He told me that a hobby would distract him from looking for a new job, yet on his days off he doesn't do anything, I feel that it would be good for him to find something to look forward to other then having a lazy day after working (he makes all his days off lazy days other then doing chores around his place). Right now I am looking for a better job and continuing my after college education. I have been kinda slow myself on my goal, but at least I know what I want and I always research and think about how I can acheive that. I don't care about him having a high paying job, just something he can be proud of himself and enough to support a family if we decide to have one. I have tried to give him gentle pushes, encouraging him when he tells me what he wants to do.

[SmartButBroke]

Aside from the "support a family" line of thinking, I can't quite understand people like you who think that it is or might be a deal breaker that someone is not ambitious. You talk about what you want for him and what you feel would be good for him, but this is based on your life philosophies and values. He could very well be happy with philosophies and values that differ from yours, i. e. not caring about a career or a passion.

Personally, I am very intelligent. I graduated from a top 20 college and a top 10 graduate program. I spent a lot of time buying into the "I should be moving up the corporate ladder" and "I should be making a lot of money" type of thinking, and when I tried to do that type of thing I was very unhappy. I have changed careers several times, too, because people always seem to think we all have passions and we'd be happy with our jobs/lives if we were doing what we're passionate about. I still wasn't happy. What I ultimately realized about myself is, although there are a bunch of things I like, I'm not passionate about anything and certainly not enough to make a career. To me, working is about paying bills. Whenever I have tried to make things I like a career, I have ended up nearly ruining those hobbies, basically, as things that are fun. I don't like working, and nothing is going to change that. That might sound lazy, but that's just how I am. So, yeah, when I get off work, I want to do nothing, or what seems like nothing. Some things that seem like nothing to some are hobbies to others, i. e. watching sports, giving advice online, etc.

So, I went back to my first job field, which was also the most chill job I've ever had, has nothing to do with anything I like and it is part time so I can work less and be less stressed out. It also would never be a career path, unless I decided I wanted to be a manager--which I don't. I don't want those responsibilities, those hours or that stress. I am happier than I've been in years, aside from times I was unemployed, and being happy is the point, to me.

I'm just trying to help you see maybe how he might view working, passions, careers and being lazy. If you can't handle this, by all means move on. But I just don't see, again other than being able to support a family, why this is such a big deal. It's just a value difference, but it's up to you how much that difference matters. If he can find a job he can tolerate and it pays enough for you two to have a future, why is it an issue?

[Asker]

its def not only based on my life philosophies, he himself has shown a lot of discontent where he is in life right now.

[PunkLadyOfDeath]

Unmotivated people are just sad to be around, personally... I'd leave. He has to be passionate about his future. It's nice that you want to do that but people who don't care about their wellbeing aren't worthy of my support, thats me personally.

[pbandjam12]

Okay and now you know how NOT to approach this situation thanks to this girl. Leaving now will only reduce the chances of him finding his calling even more because you may be the only motivation he has to taking the steps toward his future. You've done what anyone would do by giving him small nudges here and there, but sometimes some people need a little more than that. Try being a little more realistic with him, as well as taking some extra steps like showing him some ways that he can start working towards any goals that he has. To some like PunkLady it may seem like a waste of time, but if you truly love him and see a future with him then you're the support system he needs to get moving.

[PunkLadyOfDeath]

If I'm the only think motivating my boyfriend, he needs help I can't give him. I'm sorry, but I refuse to be with anyone who depends on me to get through life. I refuse to be with a life sucking little leech I have to emotionally support. The age of the female says 30-35, you're an adult... do you want to be his mommy too? Yeah bye lol, he sounds like a child.

[PunkLadyOfDeath]

This website is about honesty, I've given my opinion, You're not a child, I'm not going to sugar coat it. Sounds like you're dating an 18 year old who's trying to choose their major...

[Ratiocinative]

The Dream Giver and The Traveler's Gift are two books that are a great read for anyone who's unsure or unmotivated to chase their dreams. Sit down and read it together. Maybe take turns reading chapters aloud. They're short books and you can get through them in just a couple hours.

[chadsten]

How can you even definitely see a future with a person who's not interested in bettering their own future? I get that you love the dude, but wouldn't some goals be something every person should have, especially one that you want to be involved with down the road?

[jakeofalltrades]

some people are perfectly happy just costing through life