Lusting over someone else while in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. I love him so much and can't imagine my life without him (1,2,3... awwww). He is also my first boyfriend i've had. Things are so so good with us and we're always talking about kids, marriage, moving in etc.. But lately I find myself somewhat crushing/lusting over another guy. He's in my program at school, and we have all our classes together, so i see him everyday. We sit next to each other in a couple classes. He has a couple of the same interests as me, like lifting and counting macros, which my boyfriend doesn't (i dont mind). The other night he was my dream and in the dream we ended up kissing and i think we had sex too.. at least there was talk of it. I woke up so guilty and I told my boyfriend about the dream and he laughed.
When we talk together alone, before class or something, i don't feel nervous, and i enjoy our talks. I find myself thinking about what it would be like experiencing somebody new. He and my boyfriend are completely different personality and looks wise. I dont think I would/could ever cheat on my boyfriend. Is this normal? Should I tell my boyfriend about all this? im so confused and feel so guilty.
I love my boyfriend so much. I'm so comfortable with him, everything is so easy, he is my only friend.

[oldlady]

You're lucky to be with a man who trusts you so much, but I encourage YOU to stop trusting you so much. This other guy sounds like great friend material - he fills needs that your boyfriend doesn't, which is one of the things your other friends are supposed to do for you - but you're not thinking of him purely as a friend. And many people who cheat say afterwards that they were sure they would never do such a thing - it just happened. It just happened because they put themselves in situations where it could happen. I suggest you stop sitting next to the attractive other man and otherwise just give him some space, let things cool off between you until you get to a place where you can honestly say you're only interested in his friendship. If you're worried that he'll feel ignored, you could tell him that you need to do this to protect your primary relationship, but consider how that will play out before you say it. Best case scenario, guy #2 respects your relationship and is just flattered that you need to be careful around him, and he backs off and you're in good shape to resume the friendship later. But he could also decide you're a skank for even being tempted to cheat or weird for telling him about it or the time you spend apart could just make him lose interest in your friendship. He could also realize that he actually has a chance with you when he was interested all along, and then he might choose to make it harder for you to impose that distance (in which case he is NOT your friend and never will be!)
Last thing I can't resist saying: if your first relationship does grow into a lifelong commitment, you will always have these questions about what it would have been like with someone else. Right now, you CAN (I'm not suggesting that you should) tell your boyfriend that you need some time to sort out your feelings and figure out if you're ready to commit for real, but once you're married, that same ask would be a pretty big betrayal. Do your best to peer into your future and figure out whether you will be able to live with not having "sown your wild oats" before settling down, and know that if you decide to take a break with your boyfriend, that break is very likely to become permanent.
Yes, being attracted to people other than your partner is normal. Your commitment shows up in how you behave in response.
Good luck!

[Becca0321]

I would comment but she said it all ^^^^

[Rosalie_]

It's okay to think of being with someone else; it's natural for anyone to be thinking of new experiences, and sometimes we all find ourselves romanticising sutiatuions just because they're new to us. Even if it involves a relationship we're happy being in, we cannot lock our minds to the unknown.

That being said, you need not feel bad or guilty about your thoughts and/or your dreams; you cannot control your uncosnious. I'm not saying that you should let yourself daydream and feeling flirty about that boy, since you say you love your boyfriend so much. Just think of the situation with a clear head: it's likely that you won't be spending your entire life with your boyfriend as much as you want to... if your feelings get stronge for this new boy, maybe you should should take your chances with him.

Take your time, don't be hasty and think this through.

~Rose

[Anonymous]

Normal
but now what?
Have regrets the rest of your life wondering what if.. just a few dates to figure things out? = goodbye hurt feeling BF!
How to have your cake & eat it too?
Easy enough
Since you don't want to risk your boyfriend
then sacrifice a girlfriend to double date with this guy.
Orchestrate more of these & even get him to befriend your boyfriend to see more of him.
Soon enough - w/o dating - you'll know who's who and no regrets to get in the way of either one you finally choose.

[Frost_Byt3]

I don't think its normal. If you truly loved someone then yes, you could find another person attractive, but you wouldn't lust over them and dream about them. If you tell your boyfriend about it, all it will do is hirt him-infact I'm surprised he laughed at your dream. If i was in his shoes, i would've been devastated. Maybe even consider breaking up.

But all these people that are telling you just to supress your feelings and do nothing about it are wrong. Because its only a matter of time before you slip up and act on your feelings. If you really want to make your relationship work, you must desperately avoid this other guy, cut him out of your life completely, until these feelings go away.

[Frost_Byt3]

Also, it might be in your best interest to try going on a romantic vacation with your boyfriend soon. It will allow you to get away from the other guy and focus on your boyfriend. And maybe with all the romance, it will relight the spark and make you forget all about the other guy.

[OlderAndWiser]

Your lack of experience will always make you wonder if you have made the right choice with your boyfriend. That is why it is almost always a mistake to settle down with your first boyfriend/girlfriend. . . but there are also many couples who have been married for 30-40 years to their first.

[DodgersGM]

I don't think you necessarily need to tell your boyfriend about your thoughts, no. If you begin to have very strong feelings and desires, though, then that's a different story.

I'm a little surprised that your boyfriend laughed about the dream. Personally, I'd be pretty upset about that one.

[Perf4her]

Damn upset

[kaylaS91]

I think that's pretty normal? At least I've felt like that occasionally too. I don't see any harm in it as long as you draw the line at lust, without acting on it. Having said that, in some cases it's best to just cease any interaction with the person if you think they're hot plus share some sexual chemistry. I know, I know, you say you'll never cheat. The thing is, I'm sure most cheaters never planned on it in advance. Most of those situations come up from a momentary lapses of judgement, so the best you can do is to minimize the risk in advance.

[hellionthesage]

Cut contract with this other guy. The problem is your around this guy all the time and are not making enough effort to separate from him. Being with this guy, it will be just like with your boyfriend only eventually you'll start drifting from him as well. The more partners a person has the greater instability in relationships and the higher the probability of divorce later on in life. What your feeling is no different then your boyfriend feels when he sees an attractive women the difference is he is self aware enough (women are not monogoumus by nature, monogamy takes work but the rewards are greater) to know that its not what he really wants which is why he remains with you.

[serious]

Well, I can understand this, I wouldn't say this is wrong or bad but it's a bit strange no doubt. However you must remember to keep this thoughts strictly to yourself and within your head only. The problem will only come if you start acting on your thoughts and since the guy you think about is in reality and that he is in the same class doesn't make things easier for you. However despite this you should keep control on your thoughts, if your feelings are getting out of control, if you feel the urge to act on your feelings then that can cause problems in your relationship, lots of problems, so I don't know how you will control but that's what you have to do and plus it seems like you are happy in your relationship, so don't let these thought about the other guy come in the way of your relationship. Only you can control that.

Hence as long as you don't act on your thoughts, your feelings and only keep it within your head, there should be no problems.

[JohnStamoist]

"I dont think I would/could ever cheat on my boyfriend."

You're already screwed by saying this right here, the fact that you don't think you ever would shows that you've entertained the thought and will eventually cheat. I WILL NEVER CHEAT, I know this to be fact because I am a loyal person. Questioning yourself shows you're undecided, and the only reason you would be undecided is because you've entertained the notion of cheating.

You sit next to the guy and keep talking to him, allowing your lust to build more and more. If you actually felt guilty you would stop all contact with the guy and tell him he comes off too strong by constantly sitting and talking with you. Of course though you love the attention and would never do this.

[Asker]

I sit next to him and talk to him because thats "my seat" in class, and i'm not going to ignore someone. Plus, my boyfriend is my only friend I have, so when people talk to me at school, it's nice and i'm not going to stop that.

[JohnStamoist]

Well then you're going to become cheating piece of shit. Enjoy

[DaddyRollingStone]

I'm sure your boyfriend would disaprove of it if he knew. Do you think what you are doing is right? Be honest with yourself, do you feel like your relationship with this man will become inappropiate if it continues?

If you really love your boyfriend you will cut this new man out of your life. Show your loyalty to him and show him what you will do for your relationship. Men and women are hardly ever just platonic friends, there will always be sexual tension and the spark for you is already there. My advise is to cut him off or severely limit your contact with him.

[bellaitalia]

Love is a fickle thing. Real love is more than an emotion. Crushing on someone else happens sometimes. But you need to be up front with yourself and fair to your boyfriend. Do you want your boyfriend for life? Or do you want to test the waters? Will you be happy with your boyfriend for the rest of your life? Or will you always wonder, what if? If you're down for your boyfriend and you're both happy and in love, why let this other guy into your happy home? I would say stop interacting with this guy in your class. Be true to your boyfriend not only in your mind and actions but also in your heart. How would you feel if your boyfriend was crushing on another girl and spending time with her and dreaming about her? Only you can tell how you feel and what you want out of your life. Good luck!

[Creative_Catbug]

Ah that is a pickle.
My advice... talk to your boyfriend about it.
Perhaps this new dude has made you a tad confused as he is another guy you can be friends with... where as until then it was just your boyfriend... so it could be sending your emotions and such in a tizzy

[Asker]

what should i tell my bf?

[Creative_Catbug]

Tell him about how you're feeling about the other chap

[Anonymous]

Wtff, if my girlfriend told me this I would be pissed... You think ur "lusting" over this dude" which you really shouldn't be, and yet you continue to talk to him , sit beside him and dream about screwing him? Are u sure ud never cheat.. Just think how you would feel if yes your boyfriend still loves you but he starts "lusting" over another girl that he sees every day then goes out of his way to sit beside them in class and talk and then he starts having dreams about having sex with said girl... I'm not saying your necessarily doing anything WRONG but think about how you would feel because it's different for everyone and for me I would not be happy

[Asker]

I don't go out of my way to sit beside him or talk to him.

[Opinion Owner]

In general I just mean that you should think about how you would feel... And you said you sit beside him in some classes which I'm sure you can change unless u go to school in prison, and you said u really like talking to him wh oh u shouldn't be because it's making you think of him more... Choose one u can't be sitting here wishing u had one and saying u love the other, if you were my girlfriend ad u told me u dreamt about having sex with another guy uve started crushing on if dump you on the spot... I'm not saying YOU are a bad person because I'm sure your not but what your doing is easily preventable and therefor shoul be

[Opinion Owner]

by the way I didn't mean any disrespect I'm just being honest which I'm sure is what you want

[Anonymous]

For a man LOYALTY is LOVE so dont tell him.

I lust over my boyfriends best friend as I have more in common with him but I keep at as a fun friendship. Its just a little exciting to joke around, but would never take it further.
I've cheated before (my first relationship not the current), but if you know what you have is good, then nothing is worth ruining that.
You will see in the future how hard it is to find a good relationship.

[Beaver19]

Cherish what you have, if your boyfriend is loyal and loves you you need to be with him, try to focus more in him rather than the other, and maybe confide in him some of what you say, but don't ever try to even let the other guy flirt with you even, tell him it makes you uncomfortable if he does, because when a third party enters it puts the seeds of doubt in everyone

[JaPin]

I think it's totally natural.. Since you've said that he's the first boyfriend that you've had, you're extremely happy with this one, but can't help thinking about what another one would be like.

Hmm... I think you should tell your boyfriend this. Tell him that since the dream you've been feeling weird and guilty because it's with another guy. I'm sure that he will understand.

[heywhisper]

It's perfectly normal to be attracted to others even in loving committed relationships. My boyfriend is so handsome/sexy and to me he's perfect. But that doesn't mean I don't notice other attractive men because I do. Keep your thoughts about this guy to yourself and think really long and hard about why you might be crushing on him.

[fearlessbanana]

Stop being a fcking unloyal girlfriend and let the man go. Honestly you are the reason why I hate so many girls. If I developed feelings for another girl in a relationship I would break up with her and end it. It's wrong what you are doing stringing him around. Obviously homeboy isn't doing it for you and that's why you are looking in other directions. End it.

[D1rk13]

Welcome to life in a relationship. Everyone gets this in one way or the other.

Your thing kinda reminds me of Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide shut. XD I would recommend not telling him the story like she did in the movie. Holy hell! would have left right then and there.

Just consider his emotions when talking of such things too please.

[atcnew]

nothings wrong if ur guilty dont want it and dont go for it. its just different so y dont u distance urself from this guy aand u and ur boyfriend do moreexcitiingthing together, not sex but things u like doing together, if u like joging go on a hike, go on a trip est

[Spotme]

There's nothing wrong with being curious and having an imagination, but that doesn't mean you have to share them with your boyfriend. I would get upset if my girlfriend told me about her fantasies with other men. I would also think that she was trying to make me jealous, which would piss me off. There is literally no reason for you to tell him about any of this.

[Blackjack_]

Well having crushes i guess i something normal even in relationships. But crushes will go away after a while. It always depends what you make of it. Dont question your feelings for your boyfriend. Just get some distance from that other guy

[slatyb]

Absolutely positively 100% normal, and you need not feel guilty. Your feelings are yours and not subject to anyone's judgment.

[Perf4her]

Feelings okay but continuing to sit beside him and talk to him daily because of these feelings while in a commuted relationship ain't cool

[slatyb]

by the way, I would not be so quick to marry the first boyfriend or first girlfriend. It can be great but like any major decision I think it's better to survey the market before buying.

[Curmudgeon]

If you were about to be married, I'd worry and discuss the matter with your guy and a counselor. Buyer's remorse and all that. But otherwise, just keep it to yourself. It will probably pass.