When do you say "I love you" for the first time?

Question

I have been dating a lady for 7 months. We are very happy together and are compatible in many ways. Because of the hurts from past relationships, she holds herself back emotionally, but her actions show that she has strong feelings for me. I, too, have been hurt by past betrayals but I refuse to let that affect me going forward, so I don't hold myself back. 

I have fallen in love with this lovely lady but I have never said that to her. If I say it to her, I don't think that she will say the same thing back to me. I don't want her to feel pressured to say it but I do want her to be reassured that my feelings for her are deep and I do not see any future for myself that does not include her.

Should I tell her that I love her, should I continue to tell her that I have very strong feelings for her, or should I "shut up" about my feelings?

Bethany-Louise · Accepted Answer

I'm not going to read all the other comments so I'm sorry if I'm just repeating what you've already heard haha.. But oh my god tell her ! :-)

Imagine if she got hit by a bus tomorrow, she would have died never knowing you love her. (Bit extreme and morbid - I apologise !) but you get the jist, and if she doesn't say it back.. Sure you'll be disappointed but it isn't the end of the world, and it doesn't mean the end of your relationship ! :-)

My mum told this guy she loved him about 6 months in to their relationship, he said 'I think I love you' and that's what he would reply for over a year.. But he eventually said it, and now they're so so happily married. I think it's nice when someone says it when they actually mean it :)

I'm sure she's had these exact thoughts go round her head, too.
I'm abit of a hypocrit because I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months, and I honestly have fallen in love with him. But I won't tell him yet, so be smarter then me haha.

I'm happy you've refound happiness ! :-)
Good luck lovely.

kaylaS91 · Accepted Answer

Say it when you feel it!
Don't second guess it. I stopped myself from telling my boyfriend that I loved him after we'd been together for a little over 4 months, figuring it was too soon. We've now been together for 2 years, I have yet to say it as now I feel like it's a bit too late. Like it'll carry 'too much' weight, whatever that even means, since we're at a pretty serious level by now.

Try saying it in a way that doesn't make her feel obliged to respond. To spare her from having to say it in case she genuinely isn't at that place just yet, as well as spare yourself the stress in case she doesn't respond at all. Maybe as you're saying goodbye or something. Say it as an afterthought?

(I don't know how good of advice that is. I know it should be taken very seriously when you bring out the 'l-word' but I also hate how many people make it overly dramatic. As if saying it is the equivalent to a marriage proposal and whatnot.)

HookingSwan · Accepted Answer

Honestly? You should let her know.

When you feel something as powerful as love, you should always let them know.

There is no right time

My boyfriend said it to me 1st. I wasn't ready to say it back, but he made me understan hed wait as long as nevessary for me to say it.

I should only say it when I felt it

He didn't pressure me at all

And im glad he told me even if i had some catching up to do still

I think she will like knowing it

Maybe will even make the relationship progress.

ekc8295 · Accepted Answer

Tell her you understand if she isn't ready yet but you wanted her to know how you feel and are don't expect anything back from her.

benthurber · Accepted Answer

I've been in a similar situation (though I hope your relationship fairs better!)

When no one else is around to hear you, start saying "I love you" out loud. It'll sound fake at first, but keep going. After a few weeks it should start to sound genuine. Somewhere in that time you'll get your opening. It'll just happen. It's the answer on the tip of your tongue and it will be beautiful.

As far as not hearing anything back? I can't help you with that, sir. In the situation I speak of, I waited over 50 gut-wrenching days to hear it back. And then I missed it when she first said it back because it was in-passing as she was explaining things on her end. Only to finally "hear" her say it over the phone cheerily the next day. I was so nonplussed, I couldn't decide if I should have been happy for hearing it or angry because I thought she told me over the phone after we were just together in-person.

Oi. Safe to say our relationship had many issues and failed. Now I'm older and wiser, too. ;)

TheSwedishGuy · Accepted Answer

I think you should tell her just how it is. Tell her something like "I've been meaning to say this for some time now but I have hesitated because I don't want you to feel pressured about how to response (just make sure that she knows that just being quiet is okay)." And then tell her that you love her.
To me it sounds like its better if you just say it, because even if she loves you or comes to love you she probably won't tell you about it if you haven't done it first. You said yourself that she holds herself back emotionally. If you make your feelings clear to her she will probably, at least eventually, feel like it's more okay and "risk-free" for her to be clear about her feelings too.

godfatherfan · Answer

You need to say it when you feel it. I have said it to 2 women in my life. My exwife, who I was with 25 years, was at about 30 days after we met. but it was an intense situation.
My last girlfriend was at about 3 months.
But I have a lot stricter definition of "love". Some people use it to mean they just really really like someone. I feel if you truly LOVE someone, you can never NOT love them. So you can never say "I don't love you anymore". The love might change to something else, but it is still love. (the exception is with physical abuse).
but there is no timeline for love..

Chief16 · Answer

You should tell her. It looks she needs to move on too. She needs it. An old fashioned letter would do well if you don't prefer a straight up confession. Let us know. We're all cheering for you.

AustinMan · Answer

It sounds to me like you may be over invested relative to her investment. Take a look at this and let me know what you think:

sjoes006 · Answer

I don't understand the people who said don't tell her. It has been seven months if you can't say it then what are you doing. She might not say it back at first but it doesn't mean she doesn't feel it from what you said. If you feel it and want to say it say it. ☺️

GoldenSunshine · Answer

If you feel it you should say it, don't wait for her to come around. Just say that you just want her to know that you love her and that it's fine if she's not ready to say the same thing back yet because you know that she really cares for you and that's what's important :)

Gooseman · Answer

If you know that you truly love her it doesn't matter if she will say it back or not. In my opinion it's better that she doesn't say it unless she means it.

You could also explain to her or say it in a way that you don't expect her to respond in the same way. Something like "I know that we have only been dating for seven months and we both have a past that has made us emotionally broken. It would be unrealistic to think that we would both feel the same way towards each other on the same timeline. So I am not saying this in order to have you pour your heart out to me but rather I am saying this because I know in my heart that I have fallen in love with you"
And leave it at that with no expectations and don't get all butt hurt if she doesn't respond the same way that you envision in your head and your dreams.

Remember that what you say it you can never take it back so you better mean it and not just be saying it as lip service to get something in return.

SparklingFirefly · Answer

Tell her exactly what you told us: You love her, and that she doesn't need to feel pressured to say it back. You just don't want her to have any doubts about how you feel about her.

vishna · Answer

You saying "I love you" is appreciated, no matter if she's ready or not.
My boyfriend concealed his feelings for a few months because I told him I take a while and would not say it back just to say it. But when he did, I was so emotionally connected to him, it made everything better.
Since you both care deeply for each other, I think it's ok to say it. You know she cares for you, it's been a while, go for it :) All she has to know is how you feel and that she isn't pressured.

TheHooptyMiata · Answer

I said it when it was truly how I felt. Then the bitch left me a month later and broke my heart. Never shall I love another low-down hoebag so long as I exist on this cursed rock.

musicgirl1998 · Answer

LOl just tell her you love her. I think if you really mean it then there's no harm on saying it :) Just make sure to say it at the right time.

redeyemindtricks · Answer

If you are the least bit concerned with what gets said (or doesn't get said) back to you, then, that ain't real love, friend.

Real love is, fuck it, I'm gna say this from the bottom of my heart, because I've already bet it all anyway, and I've got nothing to lose.

Let it rip boy.

MeghanL · Answer

You may have to tell her you love her several times before you get a response, but if that is how you feel then yes tell her.

Just try to not be pushy or overbearing about it or you might scare her away.

Alana- · Answer

When my ex and I were dating it was only after 5 months that he told me he loves me. It went like me asking if he would ever cheat and he said only if she wasn't worth it so I said would you tell her you love her and he said no, thats why Im gonna tell you this: I love you

MyMintFrappe · Answer

When I know I care about their life more than mine. I've only ever said it to one person.

Kester135 · Answer

I think making a big deal about "I love you" is an American thing, because in the UK we say "love ya" all the time at the end of conversations and stuff we use it with family, friends, partners, I think the only time it becomes significant is when "I love you" is the actual talking point, even then it's not about the fact you said "I love you" it's the amount of emotion you put into it.

bomba78 · Answer

never shut up about your feelings, especially when you feel that she is on the same page.
the best way to tell her is exactly how you told us. not just blurt out "i love you" that might in fact startle her and leave her on the spot to answer something. Just be honest and tell her what you feel, with fears and worries and all. I am sure she will fall all over again for you for trusting her and sharing those thoughts.
(I know I would :-))
good luck!

LoloWaye · Answer

I think you should say it when you're ready. It can be a scary thing. And when you do say it, let her know you aren't pressuring her, but you just want her to know how you truly feel about her. And continue to show her through your actions. <3

Anonymous · Answer

you're the GURU shouldn't you know the answer to this

FlutteringFeelings · Answer

The word love should come naturally.  Its not something you plan but something naturally that slips out your mouth while in that specific moment.

Darkfairie17 · Answer

I think you should say it to her if you feel it. Let her know that you see a future with her and that you don't want her to feel pressured.

When do you say "I love you" for the first time?

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