Long Distance/She needs space?

[Uptown-Boy]

.(This is the short version of the story)Ok, I must be desperate if I'm asking this on line. Anyway I'm in a long distance relationship for almost 17 months. For the last 6 months it has been rocky and recently with a lot of harsh and very mean words exchanged from the both of us. I should of already have moved to her location but things came up and would rather not leave any loose ends. So I told her that early next year would be better and with all that has been going on between us I thought it would be best because our true colors are coming thru. Well just before her birthday she decided that it was more important to hang with friends before she took off with some more friends to a concert for the weekend. I had planed a special moment with her by sending her a gift which also included a cake mix, party hat, candles, and I was going to bake a cake at the same time,etc,etc. Well that went to hell and I lost my temper and called her the c word. I know it is something I'll regret for the rest of my life but if you only knew how heartless she was being. Still no excuse for what I said. And for sometime I felt like she lacked that spark and always wanting to talk to me and so forth. Well she wanted to break up and says she needs space. In the mean time she said some pretty horrible things to me that ripped into me and I want to believe that she said it to hurt me back and she kind of said that, but I don't know. Anyway do I give her this space and hope for the best, or do I move on? Part of me wants to be vindictive and the other part wants to be the grown man about it. Oh and how much space do I give her?

Updates

+1 y

I forgot to mention there is a 10 year age gap between us, her being 26 and me going on 36. Also the physical part not being there has taken a toll, more so with her though. I guess that's where the age gap might come into play.

[rattrucker63]

well my friend I'm in a similar situation at my home I've been marred to my wife for four years and back in april she unloaded on me telling me she don't love like she should a husband I've been trying my hardest to give her the space she wants even moving in to a separate bed room now I'm only home on the week ends I'm a truck driver but some thing I'm learning is don't push back off I'm not good at backing off I keep bringing up our none relationship or the lack off intamace now she want space I'm not sure how long I'm one who is willing to go the distance I don't now if she will turn around or she will end up leaving all together but one thing I know is my hart is not ready to give up yet also she is depressed all the time and also has fibromyalga a cronic pian disorder witch I feel that I can not put her out I'm thinking that if you love her take things slow don't rush in not that I went slow by any means we got marred 5 months after we met now she says she rushed in and is now doing this for her self all she wants is for me to not talk about it all the time with no one and that's hard when words fly around that we don't mean to say if she has any feelings for you she will turn around I think she my just be seeing one last time if she wants to party with friends or be with you she realy wants you closer from what you say and that would make a diff with her who knows but give it some time you will know when its over after all we have to live some time

[Uptown-Boy]

You know I feel your pain brother. I was never good with rejection. Also she says she's not in love with me anymore and I think the distance hurt as well. I guess I became obsessed with the thought of starting a new life with a beautiful women I fell in love with. I never really had a lot of women so when I did fall in love I took it serious if that makes any sense. I'm pretty sure to much damage was done and also I think her being 26 and ambitious as hell still in her youth I suppose.

[rattrucker63]

man you sound a lot like me in the fact that I have not been with but only a hand full of women my self I fell hard for the woman I'm with and belive me I still do want to be with her and yes my friend rejection is the hardest thing for me to overcome right now even last night we had a big argument over our relationship I want to get things going and still three month in to this I am starting to fall apart being rejected over and over she left the house last night and stayed with her brother and his gal friend and all I could do was watch her go and its the samething I want to talk about this relationship and where it's going to she tells me that she will give it till end of summer to try and be with me but all she wants is for me not to talk about our lack of intamacie witch at some point has to eather start or I my have no choice but to end this long distance relationships I think are hard the frustrations and the longing the wanting it got to be takeing a toll on you in many ways we are not perfict we will make mistakes and that hurts but name calling I have learned will not help I would say also agian set your self a time limte and then if things just are not going your way well it my be time to move on I don't have that I'm still married to her and right now no one is asking for a seperation or divorce but that my come butr I realy do need to step back and not push her away any further

[hockeygirl]

Things don't sound too well. What is her definition of space, seeing other people? Or is it a step-away from breaking up? Ask her what she wants, and what she expects from you as well. Is she retaliating from you not moving closer to her? If that is the case see if you can work out a comprise. Space is never a really good indicator, some people take little breaks, but you two are long-distance how much more space do you need than that. The biggest thing you guys have going for you is communication, and right now its completely dysfunctional and destructive. You need to be able to talk productively without over-reacting. Or you guys are doomed. Let her say what she feels and needs, and respect it, you don't have to like or agree with it, but give her respect. You'll be taking a step in the right direction, but you alone can't fix it, she has to be willing to work on it too. If she's not willing to put in the work, chances are she doesn't care as much as you about preserving what's left of the two of you. Be a grown man about this one, you're learning how to solve you problems on a mature level, if it doesn't benefit you in this relationship, then its good practicing habits for future relationships to come. Good luck!

[Ginkr]

I think you should give her space. She may be having some turmoil of her own going on. It'll be hard, but you should "check" on her every once in a great while. If your friends with her friends as them how she is, or email her and talk casually. I'm sure she just needs a breather. Sometimes long distance relationships turn clingy. And its hard since they aren't physically there.

Ask her how much space she wants, or tell her to get back to you when she's had enough space. If she takes to long, or someone better comes along. Then go for it. Just let her know. From the looks of it you guys are on "break."

[Maybe_1day]

Hi bro. We have so much similarities and I'll try my best to explain from my perspective. Just to let you know the similarities, I'll briefly explain bits.

She is 26 and I'm 38, we've met online around 2019 and became besties for like 1 year and 8 months. We knew we had high chemistry from the first couple months, we shared a lot, spoke a lot, and even created groups on language apps to chat and socialise with other people. We both live in a different country, me in UK and her in Middle East. So after the bestie period, we've started relationship in a romantic way. Although how much I attempted to go and see her in person, covid stopped us. But luckily had the chance to see her last May 2022. So till here, I do agree that being near that person in person adds more value to the relationship. Regardless how much you spend time talking or video calling, it's still not the same as seeing her in live. So lately after my trip, we started having minor arguments (which we did have before even meeting by the way). But it just went into a stage where I would just act so insecure and anxious. So I can't really blame her. But I believe when you have a lot of stuff on your plate, and you will some from her to (which could be feelings like neglected etc) it just triggers it even more. Long story short, it's been 5 days now that she asked for a space.. she said she needs space because she needs to heal from the wounds I've created, which started as a scratch but now has been deep and deep wounds. And she said I don't want it to get even deeper that I'm no longer here, and it won't really matter how much you miss or love after I'm dead. So I said ok. (Note, each time she asked for space, I was the one who always called or texted back within 3 days) so this time I decided to respect her space as she said you never allowed me to heal properly and never respected my space. Now she has family issues as well as abroad PhD applications which she is expected to go abroad by end of September. So she has her own issues, and I guess I added extra pressure on her with my issues. But regardless how much I wanted to respect her space this time... Just today I wrote (couldn't help my feelings as I've missed her a lot). She responded, it was OK but not superb of course and I believe that's quite normal. So I didn't really drag the conversation, kept it short and clean. So I feel relieved but (I ain't playing it's hers/my turn games but) I believe I should allow her to reach out next as I don't wanna be looking needy and clingy even though I don't believe in ego or pride in love.

So what to expect are these bro, as I am and you are aware, every relationship is different... But please do work on yourself because she won't be warm straight away. İt's like you're gonna have to work on yourself to earn her back and make her see with your behaviour that you've changed and became a better version of yourself. Like wise space is space, and it's still an opportunity for you to reflect, evolve and grow so you don't repeat same mistakes over and over. I'd say give her at least a week as your situation is different than mine. And then just test the water with a little clean message... But not I love you, let's get back etc.. just a simple one like l, hi just wondering how you are. Hope everythings fine. Take care and a maybe heart or kiss emoji. And that's it, carry on with your day and don't be obsessed for the reply. Because some may respond after many hours, in fact many days so be ready for the cold shoulder. You've said something which you admit that you regret, and I can totally understand that it wasn't intentional but it just happened. And now, sorry with words won't really work or fix it, so use this time alone to change yourself and after she's back and you're in a normal phase, try communicating well, and if you need, set some new boundaries which are healthier for your relationships. And pls do tell each other what you expect from this relationship. Because a true relationship is about compromising when needed.

Like I said "BE READY" for the cold shoulder and don't assume it will get normal straight away. You have to show her that you've learned and grown from these mistakes. Like wise she has to also work on herself if she truly loves you too.

Conclusion, be sure, get well together and speak about future plans as LDR never really lasts unless there is a solid plan for future. I'm waiting for my girl to get accepted to a uni so I can make plans if it's not UK, then which ever country she gets accepted, I'll make sure I'll try to move with her. Good luck

[AJtogo]

Guy, I'm not sure about anyone else, but this needing space thing reads to me as break-up. When a guy or girl says to their other that they need space, then it's a polite way of saying get out of my life.

Long distance relationships can last for predetermined periods of time. If, for whatever reason, you're extending that time, then it's going to cast doubt on plans made together. You need to be together for a relationship to grow. For the past 17 months you and she have been doing your own thing with a few hook-ups in between. Other things are becoming more important; your loose ends and her hanging with friends. You're growing apart and you have reached a point of termination. You either go and be with her or you break it off.

[silhouette]

Give her all the space possible. Don't talk to her for awhile. We as guys take what girls say to us usually literally.i.e "I need space." In many cases this means the same thing as "I need a break," which means I don't wish to date you anymore but I hope you catch the subtle hint. This may not be the case but leave her alone for awhile - communication etc. The distance may help both of you realize you were wrong and work harder to fix the problems between you. But the truth is she wants space give her all the space available.

[TheSunGod]

You have no choice but to give her the space. Doing so may eventually end things for good, but NOT doing so will only make the situation more hostile and lead to a horrible ending.

You have been doing a distance relationship for quite a length of time. That can be very frustrating. She is finding it difficult to live up to the pressure put on by all the nice things you do to keep the flame alive with her. Though I am uncertain what your outcome is going to be, you need to give her a bit of time to think about things and spend some time with her friends. Accept her terms. Wait a week or so and if she hasn't called you, consider giving her a call just so say hi and see what's new. If slowly resuming contact goes well, then there is hope. Tread carefully though. And remember to always to take care of what you need to for yourself before changing your life for a woman with which you have an uncertain future.

[homer]

Pretty much agree to what the gents said here. Make a decision about moving forward or not. and she should be a part of this decision as well. Long Distance Relationships have a slim chance of working out unless both parties are very well aware of what it takes and are dedicated to move forward after the distance. Don't force yourself to move out there if you don't like her true colors. It's better that you figured it out now than 6 months after you moved there. I say move on now.

[Jarett]

Well you need to figure out where you stand. Long distance relationships that stay long distance aren't going to work. So you either need to move forward or move on.

But talk to her, APOLOGIZE, and ask her if she wants to start completely over, from the very beginning. If she says she needs space, then it's over.

[Rafael151]

Being vindictive gets nowhere. there's no real satisfaction and it just ensures that things won't ever get straightened out.

[Goodefairy]

what is the long version?