"More often than not, I usually advise against clients telling their partner if they've cheated, especially if this is something that will not be repeated" says psychotherapist Deborah Duley.
"If you're no longer cheating nor plan to ever cheat again and your mate is highly unlikely to ever find out, then take it to your grave! Make amends going forward by being the absolute best mate or spouse you possibly can be." - author Kevin Darné.
"If you cheated in a moment of weakness, feel guilty enough to swear off affairs for good, and feel happy in your current relationship, it could be best to keep your actions a secret and move on." - Dr. Ruth
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+1 y
*if you cheat*
Do you agree if cheat on your partner once and regret it then you shouldn't tell them?
These people are CRAZY! The person eventually feels sense and KNOWS the other cheat. WORSE when you pretend like your a saint and never cheated. That's why God made sex the way he did. When you become one, your literally one. So if you cheat, why expect your partner to never know? Guess what? Many can pretend to not know others and still hold resentments. These people are spreading toxic views about sex, relationships, etc and people are just eating it up.
If you don't say anything, it won't just be the end of your relationship, it will be the end of your life with that person. Granted, if you do say something, that person can still walkout, but may be willing to work together with you. They have to find out the root of the problem for the infidelity. As far as unmarried people, if they are having sex outside of marriage, they have to realize that it helps to perpetuate the toxic environment. When you get married to that same mentality, or baggage and or both, that makes it worse.
Most of the damage from cheating happens if the other person finds out. So I agree with those experts, on the condition that the cheating really was just a one-off type situation. Like if you just slept with someone you met at a bar during an extended business trip and your spouse hadn't been having sex with you in a while; I feel like it's probably better to just take that to the grave. A several months long affair with your coworker, who you still work with, on the other hand...
Cheating doesn't necessarily mean that you don't love your spouse/partner, and many times, the cheating is an honest attempt to find a way to stay. Maybe it's because my mom stepped out on my dad (and looking back on things, I can understand why she did it, even if I disagree with her choice to do so), but I have come to realize that most cheaters cheat after many years of feeling their needs disregarded and they are unsatisfied with life. It's not usually a question of "do I love my spouse," or "do I want to remain with my spouse, (although some people do ultimately end up running away with their side lover)" it's a question of "how do I continue to do what I've been doing, but in a way that satisfies my emotional needs?"
Look You seriously fucked up and You will have to live with the guilt but do You have to push it further and break Your mans heart? I'll just say in My own life when I found out My EX was cheating it destroyed every bit of self confidence I had as a man and that's going to take a long time to get back. I realize I was partially at fault because I changed over the years but the pain She caused Me I hope I never have to look at Her again. So unless You want to destroy Your man then keep quite or just break up with Him if You can't handle the guilt.
Sorry to say but those 3 people are nothing but morons. Now I said it :-(
"If you're no longer... planning to ever cheat again..."
What kind of silly (notice I don't say stupid) advice is that? Everyone will fall back into the vicious circle IF given sufficient incentive. Never say never. This does not happen in real life. An addict will fall back when the given offer overrules the willpower. Guaranteed!
Mainly nowadays, where porn is ruling the world and making it almost mandatory, to cheat at least once in a lifetime. Brainwashing is the key word. People have lost the link to reality and cheating has become more common than driving. It is a way of living, a motto and a step in life, a point to go through in human behavior.
Dr. Ruth may have been a visionary in her days but that was way before the internet and the availability of smut at the scale it is available nowadays.
I don't believe a single second that a cheater will not cheat again and not telling it to your partner is double cheating. Not only do you cheat physically but also emotionally and that is even worse.
I think he/she would have the right to know they are teamed up with a cheater, because once trust has been broken by either side it should be the one cheated on who should make the decision to go on or break up. I mean face it, lying and cheating is usually a deal breaker for most. "What they don't know won't hurt them" is a fucked way of looking at things. It makes it that much easier to cheat in the future. When a person cheats once , and wasn't caught, it is much more easier to make a habit of it. If a person eventually does find out, and they usually do, the fall out will be much worse than if they just fessed up to begin with.
Absolutely not, you owe it to your partner to tell them when you've cheated. It doesn't matter if you feel guilty, it's selfish as hell to cheat and not tell your partner than you did. People always want to try to have their cake and eat it too it seems.
Cheating shouldn't be tolerated at all, and at the very least have the respect to not tolerate hiding the fact that you did from your partner.
Harboring the fear that you know you may lose your partner if you tell them the truth because you know you fucked up, ridiculousness. People should make more of a habit to own up to their mistakes, if you don't then you'll never truly learn from them.
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Anonymous
(18-24)
+1 y
here's the thing , most cheaters confess to cheating because they feel guilt and they feel bad and they can't bear to keep secrets from the person they love.
in a one-time thing like mentioned above , if you tell your partner , it's for your own satisfaction and to ease your own conscience. By telling him/her about a thing you regret and never intend to make a lifestyle , you are making yourself happy and guilt free and making your partner sad and hurt.
It's your punishment for cheating once , that you live with that guilt for the rest of your life. You have no right to make your partner sad and hurt by telling them a truth that really doesn't matter now
Live with it till you die. Look at your partner everyday , see how much they love you and feel how you betrayed them but can't say it. Live a life full of guilt and shame
@DCooper it's not about an open relationship that's the point of the question
the person cheated once and realized it's not their cup of tea and they don't want it anymore ever again. It's not about an open relationship. The cheater messed up and regret it and don't wanna do it again
Tgat is to say they've only cheated once so far... in any case, their SO deserves to know about it. Keeping it from them is stealing their right to make informed decisions about their role in the relationship.
Cheating is so stupid. And it makes almost as mad as racism.
Why cheat. If you're not getting what you need sexually from your partner. LEAVE. or TALK to them. There are so many better ways then cheating...
Like oh my girl won't suck my dick so imma cheat..
What the fuck is wrong with cheaters.
And keeping it a secret? Yeah it causes pain. But if you don't wanna cause pain the. Why do it in the first place...
I will never understand the meaning behind it. I've been told by males. "Women drive us to cheat."
How? We don't force you. Maybe the women you're with doesn't provide what you jeedm maybe she pisses you off maybe he didn't do the dishes. Or maybe he didn't want to have sex that night..
That doesn't mean we forced your hand.
Period.
How upsetting.
This post is wild. The ones who say keep a secret probably have cheated. 🙄 Go figure.
When I was younger, I used to frequent this gay club, I met a guy & we started dating. I would meet him at the club every Friday night, he would meet me there when he got off from work, everyone who knew us knew we were dating but guys would still hit on me, some of them were our friends, I never cheated on him, I was his girl & his alone. Later on, after we broke up I found out why I was always hit on, my boyfriend at the time, was bragging to all of his friends about how good I was in bed & certain things I would do to him. You men are like old ladies.
If you want the relationship to succeed, then you keep quiet.
If you cheated because you subconsciously want the relationship to end, and you're too cowardly to do the dumping, then you'll tell all, secretly love the drama, cry, beg forgiveness, get dumped, and secretly be relieved.
Well first of all I don't cheat. If I did I think he could feel it on me in the time following. Would be impossible to hide. Otherwise I think there's something clever in not telling cuz like it's going to ruin your relationship but then again I can't help thinking if you cheated there is something wrong already I don't know
You must be pretty dumb if you cheat on your partner and tell them honestly... I don't see the point in doing so you're going to break their heart and make them feel miserable also if they decide to stay with you then the relationship will become toxic because of they jealousy and suspicions.
if a guy cheats on u, wouldn't u want to know? so u would prefer to not know he had fucked some random bimbo while on a relationship with u? his pleasure pole was used on another womans hole, and u putted that inside u a day after, or even on the same day, maybe even on ur mouth? what if the other person had stds?
@AFellowWeeb It's not dumb to want to be happy. Everything is hypocritical and illogical in this worlds, I spend years trying the logic of the world and everything just to get that everything is a lie so I can chose to believe and do what want no matter if it's right or not.
A person who is really sorry, will come. forward and apologize and take what's coming. A coward, won't. Always having a really bad secret that invloves the 2 of you will weigh on the deceivers shoulders and not only that but then the deceit is not what a relationship should be built on. A person who cheated should come forward and figure out why they did it in the first place
Why not just tell people to cheat all they want? It's 100% selfish. The whole point here is that you don't want your partner to leave you. So you keep it secret. If you cheat, regardless of whether or not you regret it, not telling them and not doing it again is the same thing as not telling them and doing it again. It makes no difference if it's 1 or 300 times of they don't know about it. You are robbing that person of their choice to leave you and of an honest life.
My first reaction was to say you should always be honest and open with each other but then I thought to myself that if I found out my partner did something wrong a long time ago and never told me I will be able to understand why she couldn't bring herself to say anything and I could forgive if it's already in the past. Living with this regret might be more of a punishment then releasing yourself from it by making your partner unhappy.
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
+1 y
Not surprised.
in these scenarios where the cheater tends to regret it, they actually want to confess. They feel guilty and are carrying a burden and want to dump it on their partner and get forgiven so they can feel fine.
it’s not clear that this is what’s best for their partner though.
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
Tell them, but during a moment of weakness. Like, a woman should only tell he man she cheated while sucking him off. He might be okay with it in that moment. A man should only reveal that he's a cheater after proposing and sliding a big old diamond on his lady's finger. In that moment she may be too excited to be mad. Good luck.
that is the dumbest thing ever and one of the reasons I have been hesitant to date in the first place. You are basically giving people a freebie at that point. Cheating is a form of betrayal. I feel like if you truly care about someone you should inform them of your betryal and BEG for forgiveness. Maybe they will look past it and maybe they will want to have their own freebie to get even. But in the end you should very much tell that person and take whatever comes next.
I'd say it's fair to wait and then tell them after some time has passed. It makes the news in some ways easier to take. To prove that you stopped and stopped it ever since.
I agree because people have amazing imaginations. It could torture a person to know that there was cheating even though it might have been something casual and without emotion.
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