Should I give my mother this letter I wrote her or should I destroy it?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

It's a twenty something pages I have written last year and that it's addressed to her and how I think her behavior impacted me and my sisters. It gets quite strong-worded in some points and I do call her for what she is or at least used to be, but I also thank her for the few good things she did for me and her trying to reconciliate.
I had given it to her one evening she visited us but she didn't read it and left it there, so I did not talk about it anymore and kept it in my nightstand. I just photocopied it to have a copy to keep for myself in case I gave it to her.

Would it be worth to try giving it to her again?
We'll be moving in a little while and it will be months before I'll see her again.

Give it to her

Burn it

Updates

+1 y

Also, the pages are written back and front, so they are actually around forty.

Updates

+1 y

The letter itself, with all the corrections and scratches.
https://ibb.co/HB5M2Rd
https://ibb.co/HqFXMwN

The pics are intentionally blurred because even if it's not in English the contents are just for her. Not sure if I should give it to her like this or copy it on the computer and print it.

Updates

+1 y

She understood nothing of it and decided to not talk to me until ''I apologize''.
I proceeded to block her number and social media, told my fiancée to do the same.
From now on, she's free to stay alone.

Updates

+1 y

She even told me that she didn't think how much malice there could be in not even a meter and a half of a person (she was referring to my short height).
That'd be hurtful for a mother to say if I didn't laugh at how pathetic she's being in trying to get a reaction out of me.

Updates

+1 y

If I wasn't a coward, I'd have ended it all and she wouldn't care.
Still, I have to do something. I can't take it anymore, I really don't know what to do. I've had a nighrmarish night and yet she keeps sleeping and sleeping.

I used to be an interesting person and had everything going well, what went wrong for it to turn so bad?

None really cares. Not my mother, not my fiancée, nor any of you.
For you all I'm just an Internet nobody or a troll.
You don't care about what'll happen, nobody does.

Updates

+1 y

For you I can be dead or alive and nothing would change.
I'm too much of a coward to actually kill myself, but I can't go on living like this.
There is no way out.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

It's up to you, but if she's already left it behind once, it's likely she won't read it.

That said, what is the intent in giving it to her? What would the impacts be - for you and for her?

It's likely this won't really help either of you.

Yes, your mother has an impact in how you are today - but you're 23. You are old enough to have control over yourself and your own life. It's probably worth more to burn it - as a symbol of the ending of her influence over you.

My mother wrote me a letter the first Christmas after I went no contact, despite my request and instruction for her never to contact me. It was a passive-aggressive non-apology at the best, and a guilt-trip at the worst. The lashing out of a failing narcissist.

I lit a relaxing joint off it when I burned it. As a way of symbolizing that I'm done with her. And I've felt freer ever since.

Perhaps that's what's best - but I won't vote either way. Only you have the answer for this.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

You bring valid points.
I'm sorry you've had to grow up and deal with a narcissist mother, and I hope you are doing better now.

You are right that at my age I should just move on and stop letting her past behavior affect me, but I feel I can't move on without some explaining she owes me.
The aim of the letter is to carve at least some explanations out of her that she always refused to give me.
She has every right to get upset about it, but the letter ends in a conciliatory tone and with the proposal to work together to fix things.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Thanks - my life is much much better since going no contact.

I understand your aims, and your feeling like you can't move on without an explanation from her. But she's likely not going to give you one - and likely whatever you do get isn't going to be nearly as satisfying as you hope.

You are assuming the best behaviour from someone whom you've written twenty pages of (mostly) criticism about. This is unrealistic at best, but most likely impossible for her to do - if she had the capacity for respect and deference, you likely wouldn't have needed this letter in the first place.

You must move on without this explanation. Yes, it is very difficult. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it will throw you for a hell of a loop for a while as you attempt to explain this away for yourself.

Possibly the best explanation I ever got for why my mother is the way she is: she's human. And humans are capable of amazing good and fucked up levels of bad.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I understand your points.
A part of me hopes and believes she'd get upset but at also get willing to explain some things.
On the other I fear she'd pretend she didn't read it or refuse to talk about it, her more common behavior. I got a feeling she left it behind the first time because she felt what could be in it or took a glance between the pages and read some snippets.

I get your point that mothers are human too and so can be either amazing or horrible or more commonly in between like most people, but I'm not sure I could keep up a relationship with her with certain things unsaid or questions unanswered; even if our relationship has gradually improved.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Just don't pin your hopes or raise your expectations too high.

Try, as there's only good to happen from trying, but don't expect a favourable outcome.

[AmandaYVR]

It sounds long and intense.
And you gave it to her once and she wasn't interested.
So this comes down to how much you really want/need her to hear it, regardless of her previous choice.
If you are ok with whatever outcome, and you need to cleanse yourself of these thoughts, then give it.
But I suspect, odds are, it won't be the turning point you need, based on your brief descriptions I've heard so far. If that's the case, what matters to you more - getting this off your chest, or the disappointment that she, yet again, did not rise up to meet you, be whom you needed her to be?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I understand what you mean.
I don't expect nor think it is realistic for her to do a 360' overhaul, but at least that she knows how her behavior in those years made me feel and the impact they had on me.
I admit some things I wrote are heavy and will probably upset her, especially my considerations on some incidents and the accusations I level against her about them.
But I also do thank her for the spare moments she did good things or at least tried, so it's not completely a tear down on her.

I know the probable outcomes are that she either gets upset at me for it or that again she'll try to turn the table, but at least she'll have seen my point of view.

[AmandaYVR]

Ok then. Sounds like you've decided what you need to do.
Good luck 💐

P. S. I am known to write a letter or two. Too long ones. Sometimes it ends a relationship. (Which I knew was a risk when I wrote it. And I accepted that. Though it took years before I stopped having nightmares about it.)
But on a brighter note, sometimes (not always, not necessarily) a letter can save a relationship. One letter I wrote, I shared not just with the 'to' person, but he passed it to another, and I passed it to about three others that were involved, and one of those relationships, for me, got much, much better. That person actually gained a newfound respect for me, and has treated me better ever since.
This is an indirect benefit, not the relationship with the primary person being improved, but just thought I'd mention it, as it was an unexpected yet positive side-effect.
For yourself, you may find it benefits you, to release it from your mind. That could carry great value.

[AmandaYVR]

P. S. Your handwriting has very pronounced spacing between words. That typically indicates a person who likes a lot of personal space from others, a wide berth.
Does that fit?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

That resonates as I tend to not like having people too close to me.
Especially in the last year I have been getting more asocial and isolated even with close people.
Also I have difficulties hand writing due to carpal tunnel.

I'm going to give her the letter tomorrow, she should take it this time.

[DexWest]

It depends on what the letter is about. If it is criticism of her in regards to parenting, then I say burn it. I was once told that criticism of your parent’s with how they raised you, it translates to they failed as a parent. That is in essence what you’re telling her. She failed as a parent. At 27, I have lost track of how many times that I have either texted or called my parents saying that they were right. Parenting does not come with a handbook. No one is prepared to be a parent, and they’re just taking it day by day. The same as you.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Okay, but to be honest she has failed as a mother, completely.
She didn't raise me, my aunt did. She abandoned me and my sisters when we were little and made clear she never stood me.

[DexWest]

Then talk to her woman to woman. There was a reason behind her actions. Not defending what your mother did, but there may be reasons that you’re unaware of. To say she failed as a mother, she could have done what she thought would give you the best chance at success.

[The_unknown_memer]

Well you did say she tried to reconcile right? I think that letter will allow to truly know how you feels , that way she may know what to do and how to get along better

But she trying to reconcile because she truly loves you and your sister or she is just trying to remove the guilt just to be free from it?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Could be both, also because I'm the only one of her children who talks to her.
My sisters ignore her completely.

[The_unknown_memer]

So why does your sister's hate her particularly? Did your mother treat them in a way you didn't notice before?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

She more or less treated them the same way she treated me.
One sister just hates her.
The other thinks she's too much of hassle to have around so she pretends she misses her calls by accident.

[The_unknown_memer]

Oh that seems harsh , I think you should talk to them , your mother at least trying to connect with them and I think they should give her a chance

Better to do it now or they might regret not giving her chance , no will never know before it's too late

I regreted not spending time with my dad after I lost him to cancer. I thought he would survive longer so just didn't visit much but one day it happened

I don't think that is something you want your sisters to go through

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

One sister doesn't talk to any of us so that'd be difficult.
The other is willing to talk with her but she made it clear her and her husband don't want to give her any money or financial help.

I'm sorry about your father, I can understand how it feels to suddenly lose someone even when you thought you could have more time with them.

[The_unknown_memer]

Oh she doesn't have to give financial support but I believe your mother value her talking to her at least

So anyway I hope things go well with you and your mother

[rxm_bxl]

Your emotions are always valid. Especially past emotions. Never apologise for how you feel.
Since you already gave it to her one, there is a reason that you did this. So the answer is quite simple here. Give it to her again. Tell her how important it is that she reads it. if still she does not read it, read it out loud to her. This may also lead to a well need conversation before you two can completely leave the past in the past. Then only will I advice you burn the paper.

I relate because I am also one to write done everything that hurt me or made me feel a strong way. I would have loved for the people addressed in my writings to have read them, however unfortunately my step mother threw away the book that contained these writings. I haven't forgiven her for it because she took away my right to express the feelings I had. So please express all the emotions that you felt when writing those papers to your mother, especially as she was the major reason for such feelings.

[hahahmm]

Pretend that your mom died yesterday. How will you fix yourself without her help? Do the things you come up with. You don’t need her to figure out how to change yourself.


And people (like your mom for example) can say 1 thing today, agreeing with you because they know it’s what you want to hear... then 6 months or a year later they do a 180 & claim they never said it and twist everything.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

More than her help, I want to some explanations that I think she owes me.

[hahahmm]

You seem to think that explanations will help you.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

More than help me, I see them as a debt she has with me.
I want to collect on this one.

[hahahmm]

She’s probably a special forces level manipulator & you’re not even a military recruit. Good luck

[lanadelrey25]

I'll speak from experience, I wrote an in depth letter once to my grandfather who sexually abused be as a child and teen. He hasn't responded and it's been months. I felt heartbroken and angry at first, but in the end glad that I got it out and glad that he knew how I felt. I would say try once more, but after that, it's up to her.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I understand, I'm really sorry you had to go through that and I hope you are recuperating and doing well now.
It's really difficult to endure and move on from something like sexual abuse, and I wholeheartedly respect you for enduring and moving on from that, and also from confronting the abuser that way. That takes real strenght and courage to do.

I agree with you that I should make another try with my mom, but no more after that. I got a feeling she left it behind the first time because she felt what could be in it or took a glance between the pages and read some snippets.

[lanadelrey25]

Thank you, and I can only imagine how hard it would be to have emotional issues like this with your own parent. Sometimes relationships take to much of our sanity and we have to let go and put ourselves first.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you, you are right.
I'm only trying to mend our relationship because to her credit she's trying too.

[lanadelrey25]

At least you tried and you know it isn't your fault :(

[Anonymous]

you should give it to her. i have a really toxic mom so i get your gist of this. even tho u probably might not get the explanations u demand/expect from her when u give her the book, at least she gets to know how you felt about her actions and how it affected u. it's like ur mom have been walking on earth her whole life just doing whatever she wanted and didn't care about how her actions affect u. even on other times u just tell her how it did, she would just brush it off i bet. now she's got a whole story of it that she could keep too. even though there are no promises of her to change, it is actually a weight off your shoulders when she acknowledges how you feel even if she doesn't regret doing what she did. that's the least she could do to ease your wandering mind if she's able to change or not.

[Opinion Owner]

hey girl. at least she had read ur letter. that is the exact reaction a toxic mother would give. but isn't it a weight off your chest when you gave it to her? u did it

[SexyAshh]

I think you should give it to her, but you need to make sure she takes it. You need to be stern with her and tell her you want her to read it. If you are confused on it, just another good question to bring up to her that she fan give her expert opinion on, and talk you through

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

That's a good way to bring out the topic with her and insist she takes the letter.
Thank you!

[SexyAshh]

i wrote this late and meant in the last statement if you are confused to bring it up to your therapist for further expert opinion. But of course, hope everything works out well☺️

[Ianto]

First work out what you want to achieve.
Then decide if the letter is a sensible way of achieving that.
Frankly it sounds quite likely that 40 sides of manuscript will contain a tirade of accusations and recriminations. If your aim is to discomfort your mother, then go ahead.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

She should get discomforted by it.
It's not all accusations and I do list and appreciate the (few) good things she did, but she has to understand the impact her behavior had on me and she owes me explanations on it.
That, if she wants to keep talking to me. There's always bidding her goodbye if she doesn't want to talk.
My sisters already did it, maybe I have been far too patient or stupid to do it already.

[Ianto]

Fair enough. I do suggest that if you want to achieve more than her discomfort then you consider the wording carefully. Just listing her faults and mistakes will only put her on the defensive. Much better to couch it in terms of "We have never understood some things that happened, and would like to know what caused..."
She may well be blameworthy, but it is equally possible that you and your sisters do not fully understand her side of things.

[wankiam]

if you can't say it to her face then yes i would give her the letter if you wish to have a future relationship with her... it will do two things. it will let her know how you felt growing up and it will be quite liberating for you to get it off your chest... the alternatives are to let it fester for years so you grow to really resent her or you cut ties now

[hellionthesagereborn]

Well if it was necessary for you to write out your grievences then it is probably necessary for you to give her the letter, what she does with it afterwards is up to her and out of your hands. After that you can hopefully let go of the issues and move forward (which is easier said then done. Having had two awful mothers (I'm adopted) I can say its quite difficult but doable).

[hellionthesagereborn]

If you are having problems, address them and fix them. Doing the same shit over and over again is never going to fix your life. If you have issues with your mother and she refuses to change, cut her out of your life. Just because she is your mother doesn't mean she isn't an asshole, just because some one is related to you doesn't mean they get to do what ever they please. You wouldn't tolerate this behavior in others why would you tolerate it in her?

As for your suicidal thoughts and behaviors, what are you going to do about it? I don't mean kill yourself, I mean what are you going to do to change your situation so you don't feel that way? Why do you feel the way you do, why do you feel that no one can understand? Is it because they can't understand or is it you can't communicate with them to get them to understand because your afraid to connect with them on that level?

If your not willing to sit down and address your problems with YOU, how are you going to address your problems with some one else? You don't even know what your problems are so your just going to keep having the same issues because you refuse to do what you need to do to address the issues at hand, and those issues are yours.

[hellionthesagereborn]

Why do you feel weak? Why do you feel your not good enough? Why are you afraid to be intimate emotionally and physically with others? Why are you afraid of being rejected (because that is the basis of fear of intimacy, the fear that if they really know you that they would just throw you away (probably got that from your mother)). If you are not at peace with yourself your never going to be at peace with others as cliche and unhelpful as that may sound its the truth.

So your options are seek help and truly be open and receptive to it, look inward and learn who you really are inside and from that learn how to change yourself for the better, or drown in your emotions never being happy or functional for the rest of your life. Which option you choose is up to you.

[Lov2PlezUgurl]

it sounds like the way you talking she abuse you and or let others abuse you also if that is true then yes by all means give it to her even if she has changed a mother should protect her children not hand them over to the wolves you know what you should do.. would you do your children the same way as you were I know you wouldn't if I am reading this wrong I'm sorry please forgive me but give her your thoughts she should know what she did to you

[DeeDeeDeVour]

I'll assume you love & respect your mom despite atrocities in the past. I'll assume you have consideration for her feelings. I'll assume you're also after your own peace of mind that you get to express what's in your heart & mind. Read your letter to yourself and determine if what you're saying is too hurtful even for yourself to absorb.

[DeeDeeDeVour]

Perhaps, you'd rather have a face-to-face discussion with her instead? That's just how I usually deal with issues I have with others.

[SongBird3]

If you don’t give her the letter you’ll regret it, you deserve some kind of closure.
I don't know your situation but it sounds similar to this comedian.

https://youtu.be/AQS0wwEZdg0

[pleasestopthis]

My advice would be yes, give it to her. If you can't say the words aloud then at least in paper. That way you'll relieve yourself and express your real thoughts and feelings about her.
I don't believe in a complete restoration without addressing the issues in an honest and raw way... sweeping the issues under the rag will never allow both of you to have something real. If she's mature enough to take it, great... and if not, well it's her loss, just move on. Life keeps going on.

[Prettysammie]

Why bother. I have a very strained relationship with my mother. The question is what do you want your relationship to be moving forward. How will this improve things or change things? Dwelling on the past just made me angry.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I just think she needs to know precisely what I think about her and that she owes me answers and explanations.

[CupcakeKiller]

Realistically, what will it accomplish to give to her?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Upsetting her (which I want on some measure), tell her how her selfish behavior impacted me, and demand for explanations from her.

[CupcakeKiller]

I think you should at least preface is with what it is. However, don't let yourself be too disappointed if it doesn't do anything but cause strife. This is really a cost benefit analysis that only you can do.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

You are right, I'll preface it contains some harsh things, but it's also about time she gets the bill for everything she did, good and bad. It's not all accusations and I do list and thank her for the (few) good things she did.

[CupcakeKiller]

Sounds good. As someone who has done something similar, for your own mental health, just don't have expectations about anything being fixed or any apologies. Good luck man.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you.
I don't expect her to do a full turn but at least some explanations would make me feel better.

[purplepoppy]

If reconciliation has already begun why ruining with a letter

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Because there could be the chances to carve some explaining out of her that she owes me but refuses to give me.

[AliciaJune]

I mean, you could tell her about it and ask her if she would like to read it? I definitely think you should talk to her about it and not just leave her with it. If not give it to her you could make some notes and tell her in person. Which I actually think will be more giving.

[AliciaJune]

I will tell you this also, I told my parents EVERYTHING I thought of them with no filter on because as a kid they owe me attention, appreciation, and love and I never owed them anything. I was raised by my father so when I told my mother that she had been self-absorbed and shit she reacted in a quite egoistic way but then a week later she admitted that I was right. We're still working and I feel like we have a lot left but every fight goes a little easier for every time and they don't happen as frequently

[420Rachel]

I think you should give it to her. Maybe she will realize some things and give y'all a chance to reconcile and reconnect and build a better relationship. You need to let her know how you feel.

[Marilynjuana]

Attacking her for her shortcomings will not give you closure. Be above it, let it go and leave it behind.

[Itsroxxie]

20 pages? That's an essay, not a letter. But somehow I guessed you had mommy issues...

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Back and front, so I guess it's actually forty.
And yes, I have issues with her.

[Itsroxxie]

Dude, get help. GET HELP.
Call someone. ANYONE. You have been raging all day, this is a terrifying meltdown even for your standards.

[Konabeana]

Give it to her and it is up to her if she wants to read it.