Why does my ex boyfriend keep on coming back?

[MintyX]

So, I am 22 and Belgian and my ex boyfriend is 28, he is Italian and we had a relationship for almost 3 year (two years I think if you take off the time when we've had a break). I will begin with our start. In the beginning he was really sweet, funny and a gentlemen. But he was always super jealous because he thought I was too pretty for him and he said that he thinks al women are whores when the boyfriend is not around (yes I was blind). Anyway, so always if a guy looked at me he made fights and exaggerated so much. This became worse with the more time that passed in our relationship. He also didn't study, also didn't want to study, but always complained that he couldn't get a better job and so reacted his stress of at me by snapping, insulting me, screaming at me and treating me like garbage. This continued until 1 year in our relationship. I was sick of it and started to scream back at him and then fights got worse. I just wanted to be calm and communicate quietly and calmly if something was wrong, he promised me like 100 times to change, but he never does. He also broke off with me like 12 times, we've had 2 breaks but he keeps coming back and changing my mind with his smooth talks.
I have to be honest that I cheated on him 1 time after 1 year and I told him ( while he tried to fuck my best friend) and he keeps on telling me I am a slut and I am not worth nothing.
He also expects from me to shut up, stay quiet and respect him while he has one tantrum and screams for one small problem. But I don't do that ofc.
I don't know if I am the problem of toxic one or him, I would just like to know if this is normal behaviour and why he keeps coming back for me

Small note: he was my second boyfriend, so I don't have a lot of experience

[Apope16]

1. 3 years is a long enough relationship where there is a lifelong attraction and attachment even after a breakup.

2. A girl between ages 18 and 25 is at her peak years of fertility and sexual "prowess" aka attractiveness.

3. There is a lot of sexual fetish and fantasies related to having a sexual relationship with a younger woman. especially in her early 20s. You are his sexual dream fantasy regardless of the relationship.

4. Dating these days is a nightmare on these dating apps. Men encounter attention whores, bots, fake profiles, gold diggers. The grass is not always greener after a breakup.

5. Faded Affect Bias. Also known as FAB. Scientists says this term means over time we forget bad memories and remember more good ones. This is true after you leave a relationship. You look back with rose covered memories. The pain is less over time. You forget the fights you had.❤

[t-8900]

so what advise would you give the young lady in this dilemma?

[Apope16]

My advice would be relationship counseling with the intention of getting married. Because clearly there is a connection here. But she is 22 years old and girls that age are really interested in seeing a hot guy at college or at the beaching and having the experience of brand new dick. So she probably is the one who won't want a relationship. She just wants to ride the cock carousel. Thats how most women are between ages 18 to 28.

So the only other option here is to maintain a relationship as a friends with benefits to save the breakup heart ache. Or just continue dating like before. But there is a fundamental flaw in the relationship that needs therapy or counseling as a couple if they want to avoid breaking up over and over again.

But she is at a ripe age so most likely she can find a new hottie and move on from this older guy.

[t-8900]

well i certainly don't think it's the right guy for her. I think this is a relation continuing with both parties because its "safe". But I honestly don't see it going anywhere. Realistically speaking if you aren't married or engaged there's little point to even bother with couples counselling. Like I can respect that level of commitment with couples, for sure. But times are rapidly changing and I can't see it working out. Her options now and in the foreseeable future are limitless tbh. The earliest most girls seem to be ready to look for a serious partner is 25-26 and even then a lot of them aren't thinking about kids or anything. A lot of guys I dont think want to commit to being exclusive to a woman if kids are off the table. It's like the whole reason for marriage. The idea being the woman will be more tied to her husband emotionally and financially with kids involved. A childless marriage imho can be much more likely to fail.

[Apope16]

@t-8900 I went through the same experience. I was dating a girl recently and suggested couples counseling and she said the same thing. it isn't worth it unless you are married. then i realized something. marriage costs like what? $30,000? You spend like $2,000 just on a wedding dress? The cost of a car or a small house for only a 48% chance of things working out?

Why are we waiting until marriage to start counseling these days? There needs to be pre marital counseling so you don't waste all of this money and time and cost o a divorce. LIke why would you start counseling when things are in a marriage? it is too late. As a matter of fact. The best time to start relationship counseling is during the honeymoon stage before marriage. Then you are still in love, motivated, and willing to address issues that come up in a productive way.

[t-8900]

do you think we werent wired for long term relationships really? Like I think the avg marriage now lasts 8 years or something. Do you think because of the biology of women of fertile years, the fact that we didn't really live very long in the past, and the fact that her fertility peaks in the early 20's that maybe its like prehistoric men and women procreated, did their thing, and then just melted back into the tribe as individuals and allowed tribal elders to teach and raise the kids with said tribe's ethics? I was wondering if this was an actual possibility. Also the fact that women can easily move on to a another man while the man cannot move on easily. She can replace him with a strong guy to make more powerful offspring. And if the guy doesn't move on it could biologically motivate him to get better and overthrow the other male to take her back? I don't know what do you think about that?

[MintyX]

@t-8900 I decided to break up with him and block him after I texted a friend who talked bad about him and he became furious about me texting her. It’s really hard and I feel super weird being single but I know this is the best for me

[t-8900]

@MintyX nah I'm proud of you for doing right by yourself. It takes strength to do these things and it's not easy if you have an attachment. I promise you'll find the right one if you are selective about quality guys. A lot of good men out there are getting overlooked for being average looking or having low income. Screen the guys and choose on their character. Make them prove themselves without being demanding or assertive. The sweet one will come along and treat you good. I got faith in you girl.

[t-8900]

he's desperate, horny, and he deems you "safe" due to being familiar. I would just ghost him. He doesn't really care about you imho. he might have thought he'd have a lot more prospects and then reality hit him in the face. He didn't want you to improve yourself because he knew it was going to open up more options for you. So he tried to stop you from chasing your dreams and put all your focus on him. He lacks ambition and tried to hamper your's. If it wasn't good enough to stay then it's not good enough for you to play. ;)

[Anonymous]

Run, girl, run! Sounds like a narcissistic jerk to me. Stop letting him "come back". Cut him off and move on with your life. If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that staying tangled up with the wrong person is only preventing you from finding the right person.

[Siren777]

The thrill of runner and chaser may excite you. If you can work through your issues then it would be best to stay. As this often leads to an unhealthy dynamic but when you're done with someone make sure you don't go back, as emotional gymnastics is a dangerous game.

[MintyX]

Thing is that I already tried working it out many times. He just always talks about every thing that happened in our relationship whenever he feel down and this is one major issue which broke the relationship between us. I am a person that I move on after something happens, since staying in the past doesn’t resolve anything. To quit falling for his mindgames is hard because, even though I know it’s not right, because I feel emotionally attached to him.

[Siren777]

You going to have to make a decision if it is worth it or not. Only you know if this is worth the emotional turmoil.

[kingofthellamas]

This sounds like a high drama relationship. That can be exciting, but will become tiring. I doubt the drama is going to change from what you have written so the choice is really do you want a high drama relationship or not?
And a final note,. You have a 50% stake in the relationship. It is not that he keeps coming back to you, like that's happening to you because you will it to be or because it is willed upon you. ( unless you are still 15 years old and see life like a game of chess of who will make a first move, a defence move etc). You agree to reform your relationship together.

[whitehide]

Get as far away as you can as fast as you can, that fucker will make you hate yourself and ruim your self image. Hell, that emotional abuse might even turn into physical abuse, if that continues.

[zoobs94]

If he was good and you were happy will you still cheat?

[MintyX]

Never, I just felt too unhappy and really confused what decision to take. I don’t recognize myself with him.

[zoobs94]

Than you should definitely leave him cos it's Hurting you and him

[Iron_Man]

Because you’re a familiar face and he’s probably alone

[Luckycharms12]

Guess can't move on guess going have to block him

[Ilickvulvas]

Because you’re dumb enough to allow it