Hello, My long distance best friend has a girlfriend who's toxic. She's his childhood friend so he's scared to leave her and never have a partner again so be alone for life. He's very sensitive and emotional.
He once told me she didn't want to make an effort to meet him after the pandemic, gave excuses to meet after he paid for a PCR test and got negative because she said she feared he might be infected so meeting wasn't possible, and recently, she asked for his opinion on a certain matter. He gave her his opinion. She got mad at him because his opinion didn't agree with hers. I told him it wasn't fair and he expressed how hurt he was from such things and stressed too. His chest hurts when he's stressed and lately he's in a lot of pain. I told him this was toxic and he needed to talk it out with her. He seemed hesitant and wanted to postpone the time he talked with her about how he feels in these matters. He said that since it would be their first reunion after a year and a few months from covid, he didn't want to "ruin the mood". I told him: ruin the mood by expressing your hurt feelings to your partner? Shouldn't that be no problem? by the way, he's going through therapy sessions to "fix their relationship" because she tells him it's his fault. No compromise. Then he said he's planning to marry her. I snapped. I don't want him to live an unhappy marriage, he's already insecure and she seems so controlling. His mother told him the same I did! He bought a ring but didn't ask yet because he wants to talk with her and judge from that.
I was so upset I told him I'd respect any decision he takes but if he chooses to stay with her, it would be best to cut contact which was a knife to my heart (and to his too). Yet, it's for the best. He will keep me updated but knowing him, I know it'll be her he chooses. Is there a way I can ensure he doesn't ruin his whole life with that woman? I'm so worried. I'm only behind a screen so... Any advice is highly appreciated.
Urgent: How can I inform a friend in denial that his relationship is toxic?
The problem is your approach. No one likes to be talked at. The key is to become a sounding board, facilitating the other person's exploration and discovery. Lectures go in one ear and out the other.
Let's say your sister just got dumped by her first major crush. You want her to move on, so you say things like "there are other fish in the sea," or "he didn't deserve you anyway," or "you're better off without him." Those attacks on him now cause her to feel a need to defend him, as how can she legitimize the feelings and pain if he was so worthless. Rather than helping her to move on, you'd just be encouraging her to focus more on what she has lost, leading her to fantasize about him and build him up into something he never was.
Things you can say to your friend might be: Tell me how her behavior or words appeared to you. How did it feel when she made those choices? Help me to see how her choices considered your feelings. Where do you feel this pattern might lead in the future? Describe what life would be like living with her?
In other words, rather than spoon feed the other person, implying you believe that person can't think for him/herself, show you trust the person's ability to see the bigger picture and make decisions that make sense to him/her. The more you talk, the less people hear. Help them discover the bigger picture rather than just give what you believe to be the answer.
The same holds true if you have kids in the future. Rather than doing their thinking for them, encourage them to process information and come up with workable solutions from an early age. You may feel you have a need to be needed, but reinforcing dependency on others is selfish and inconsiderate of others. Understand that their perspective makes just as much sense to them as yours does to you. Being critical of others who see things differently than you is being insensitive to others and comes across as you believing you are above everyone else.
I completely agree with you. I didn't lecture him though, at least not at first. I related her behaviors to what constitutes toxicity and said that in my opinion she should care about his feelings and respect his opinions. He keeps insisting she is his last chance of not living and dying alone. I tried telling him it's not true. But to no avail. So seeing how he's going through that ride of pain, I can't watch him do that so I told him to cut contact on good terms. I'm not happy with that but it's not up to me to make the final decision.
Listen more and talk less. You didn't need to point anything out to him. He is fully capable of seeing that himself. You can help him to explore, but it tends to backfire when we give unsolicited advice.
If he is insistent, it's probably because he doesn't feel you are hearing him (just like your insistence toward him). You could have asked him what leads him to believe she is his last chance. You could ask him what he could do if she wasn't in the picture and what's preventing him from doing that with her in the picture. Things tend to move forward more easily when we seek clarification than when we insist on being heard, no matter how much sense your words might make.
Some people are "blinded by love", which in reality means you're blinded by your fears, and there's nothing you can do about it. Cutting ties isn't necessary, because even if he chooses her, your contact will dwindle at her influence. But if you stay available and let him make all the contact, maybe he'll see it one day and you'll be there catch him when he falls.
You have a really good point. I was thinking of myself when I suggested cutting contact. I can't let him go when he's getting in polluted waters... I'd be a toxic friend. I'll stay, thank you so much! I didn't think of that.
You're welcome, but remember, you can't constantly hound him about how you disapprove even if you do get to see him. But what you can do is decline to be with the two of them, if by chance you actually get an invitation to be.
Honestly love, you have to take a step back and not be so invested. Trust me I absolutely understand where you’re coming from, I’ve been there with two of my longest friends, and it’s exhausting. At the end of the day, you can’t care more about his happiness/health/etc more than he does. From an outside perspective, you see their relationship for exactly what it is: toxic. But he isn’t interested in seeing how bad things are, so what else can you do? You’re stressing yourself to death over this situation that you can’t fix and he doesn’t want to try in the first place. So step away. Tell him that it’s too much for you hearing about this situation anymore and you’d rather not talk about it.
This is what I was fearing to get but you gave a good point. I think I did my part as a good friend who cares for him but the choice his, the life is his. I hope he learns from this and doesn't suffer too much. That woman clearly doesn't care about his feelings, it broke my heart. I could relate and feel myself in his shoes a few years back without anyone to guide me. That's why I insisted. But you're right, it's up to him now. Life can be so unbearable when one feels helpless.
First off, you have to convince him you give him this advice in his own interest and not yours. As next, you need some credible arguments based on logic why you consider that chick as toxic. Find and emphasize negative feelings of him towards that girl. Don't threat him the way "if you don't do what I say, I will cut off all ties to you". Such threats will always have the opposite effect.
I have related the behaviors he told me she does with the toxicity and even his own attitudes including the stress and sorrow to that too. I told him a relationship shouldn't feel like that. He told me he knows but insists on the idea that she is his last chance to not die alone. It breaks my heart. I told him we will cut ties because I can't watch him do this to himself. I did what I could do.
There's no convincing a girl or a guy who's convinced that they are living with the best man/woman of their lives. If anything, be close to her and give off subtle pieces of advice that will make them think. Being direct about it is going to get the opposite result and could lose you a friend. It's a very unstable situation, I've had buddies go through this, even ended up fighting one of them for this very reason.
As much as I'd love talking with both of them, I can't. I know him online and I don't know her at all online. So it's the only thing I can do (communicate with him). I'll just have to let him do as he pleases and watch over this craziness.
You just gotta let your friend handle it himself. You can talk to him and tell him that it's bad all you want, but he isn't gonna listen. He'll eventually realize what a cunt rag his girlfriend is and gain the courage to break up with her. Until then, just try to stay out of it. He's gonna have to learn the hard way, sadly.
Sadly, you are correct. I can't do anything but watch the dice roll and him getting a rain of bricks... I'll have to be there for him in case he needs my help someday.
"She's his childhood friend so he's scared to leave her and never have a partner again so be alone for life. He's very sensitive and emotional."
It's next to impossible to talk guys out of these kinds of things for this reason. This is precisely why certain men in particular stay with toxic women.
by talking to them about things you find bad and toxic in relationships in general as to make them see that their relationship is toxic, cause those things occur in their relationship. if you attack their relationship in particular, they might take it as a personal attack.
But isn't talking about the bad things in the relationship related to the whole relationship all together? I had to mention that it was a bad relationship when he said he wanted to marry her. I wish I could do more.
No, I started talking about the bad things in the relationship first but when he said he wanted to marry her, I told him the whole relationship was bad. It is actually the same. When there are this type of bad things in a relationship, it means it's a bad relationship.
ah ok. what i mean is that you talk about "general things which happen in some relationships that are bad in every relationship". and not so much particularly about their relationship.
Just be straight with him, but if you think he's gonna blow a gasket than it might be best to say on a text or email. And don't mention it again unless he brings it up.
How is he toxic exactly? He's the victim in this relationship. She is the one being controlling and putting guilt on him while she obviously knows he has low self esteem
I have no way to do that. He is an online friend. We haven't and can't meet irl because we're too far. I don't think I have a chance in getting her perspective.
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